Cheated for 8 months

[vectortt]

Hello I am in deep need of help. I have read dozens of stories and finally took my heart and decided to post and I will try present the facts as non biased as i can.

 

TWO IMPORTANT FACTS

She is silly and can be very easily influenced

 

Most of out friends left the country and last year she made some very disfunctional friends. Girls that cheat or are being cheated on. One of them when she fount out her future husband was cheating on her with her friend not only that she kinda accepted, but when he ask her brother, he old her to take a hobby as cooking and get used with it (Sounds like joke but its not). This is how disfunctional the whole group is. Most of the girls from that group are being cheated and they put up with it or they cheat back.

 

 

 

Me and my wife met in first year of medicine and i can say it wasn't love at the first sight. We were together for few months but then I broke up with her because i found her, spoiled, selfish dull/boring. After one year we got back (somehow she changed) together and we rode together for 9 year (got married two years ago). Everything was perfect, we were living in a small rented house, we didnt fought for months and there was no tension, we were HAPPY as you can be for years. After we bought our own house, for some reason I knew things will change and ask her not to change in any way.Right when we moved, she found she had blood coagulation problems and she had to stop taking birth control pits which messed her but i was there 100% for her. 3,4 month after we moved/ she stoped taking birth control pills, she started to become MORE selfish, and she was dealing with a acne rash on her face just like a teenager Also, hitting 30 years, she started to panic because she was getting old, she was keep telling me that she wants to try sports, travel, she is scared of her wrinkles, she is scared of death, getting old because she wont be pretty anymore. I told her that my dream is getting old with her, both with wrinkles, both roughed by the time but still together and happy as we used to be.

 

She started to hang more and more with her new friends, in the mornings she will leave in hurry, she started to hang out with them in weekends as well until she became them.

 

I might not be that devastated because somehow deep down inside i expected this and I have seen it coming.. I knew that my wife wasnt the same, i was not expected her to cheat me but out of curiosity ONE MONTH ago i logged intro her faceebook in the same moment she texted a guy(who lives in another country):

 

"Hi!

Ups i was driving and texted you by mistake... Maybe its a sign"

Cheap flirting if you ask me ) The guy didnt answered and she deleted the message.

 

I have confronted her, she cried she told me that she was keep hearing flirting stories and she just tried to flirt to remember how it was. It was hard for me to trust her but somehow i got over it.

 

Yesterday I was wondering why is she keep deleting her messages with their friends and spied her whatsapp. Short story, right after she was hugging me kissing me she would text the guy things like can't wait to bone" I will tie you and c*m on your d***..... and then would hug me again with 0 remorse. Now that I am writing this i feel like I talk about a mental person (which is the reason i am 98% ready to give up on her instead 100%) .

 

Asked her, and she told me there was no excuse, I think I did nothing wrong by her except not washing the dishes and not picking socks and stupid stuff like that. And in bed the only thing that she could argue is that sometimes i might be to big for her. Had to mention because some of the relationships are goring down because of the sexlife (which i find it stupid) and this is not the case

 

When I caught her he told me that this was going for 8,7 months, she didn't remember how often she slept with him, but last time was 2 moth ago. Since yesterday, she is crying begging telling me that there is no life without me and blah blah blah. You know, I was expected to be more devastated but somehow as I said, I have seen it coming. I tend to say I still love her but actually I love the old her, the one I got married with, not the person she became. She wanted to come clean and tell me everything but i couldn't hear. She keep saying the se doesn't see herself with anybody else, that I am everything and she asks for forgiveness.

Edited May 18, 2019 by vectortt

[Dandelioness]

Sorry you're having to go through that. I'm not sure her new group of friends are to blame though. I suspect it would have happened eventually anyway.

 

I wouldn't give her another chance - period. She's not afraid of losing you. She's afraid of change, the unknowns, the potential financial strains, and being alone (with wrinkles). She's comfortable with you but isn't satisfied with this marriage. Something is missing.

 

If she was willing to come clean, did she mention why she let this happen? No reason will justify her actions but it may teach you a little something to bring with you to your next relationship. Use this truth to your advantage.

[Mr. Lucky]

You know, I was expected to be more devastated but somehow as I said, I have seen it coming. I tend to say I still love her but actually I love the old her, the one I got married with, not the person she became. She wanted to come clean and tell me everything but i couldn't hear. She keep saying the se doesn't see herself with anybody else, that I am everything and she asks for forgiveness.

 

Since trust and vulnerability are such strong components of love, not sure how you can love someone you expect to cheat on you?

 

Regardless, you're young with no kids - get a STD test, see a lawyer, cut your losses and run. This isn't something that will get better...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

If you stay in this expect more later.

 

The smart move is to get rid of her.

[Beachead]

Honestly, I'm disgusted by this and I'm truly sorry your marriage turned out this way.

 

There's no fixing this. The trust is gone. You have to leave her.

 

If you stay in this marriage, she won't respect you anyway because she knows what she did was a deal breaker. Furthermore, you disrespect yourself and you only teach her that even if she cheats, you'll still be there. You devalue yourself. So you have no choice but to divorce and leave. She broke this marriage.

 

- Beach

Edited May 18, 2019 by Beachead

[Blind-Sided]

When I got married... I told my STBxW that the only thing I couldn't recover from was cheating. Regardless if you love her, and don't want to be without her... the truth is... when someone has that mind set, all you are doing is extending the hurt. So cut your losses now. (sorry)

 

 

FYI... my brother tried to fix things with his wife who cheated on him while he was away. (Airforce) He was discharged, and they moved to another state. He found that she cheated again, with a new guy. At that point, he got a lawyer, and she basically got nothing.

[vla1120]

I'm sorry you find yourself here. It's best to get out now, before you have kids. She has already shown her propensity for being selfish. She's not going to change. I spent more than half of my life in a marriage with a cheater and a liar "for the kids." I would not suggest it to anyone. It's demoralizing. Let her go ruin someone else's life, not yours.

[Endnote]

I ain't got much to add, but in my experience if you see messages getting deleted that's usually a sign of something fishy. I don't delete my messages, and more importantly, I don't write messages that would put me in a position where my integrity could be in question in the first place. Clearly your (hopefully soon to be ex) wife doesn't seem to see it my way, and she doesn't have much integrity at this point in time. The begging and pleading on her part? I imagine if you were doing the same thing I think we know how things would end up. Very unattractive, very low quality. Get angry, get to healing (and hell, be glad it happened when you're still on the young side and not in your late 60s or 70s, where starting over would be really tough), and most importantly get this toxic trash out of your life. Trust me, I'm a doctor. Or I drink Doctor Pepper or something. Also, feel free to vent on it here at anytime. And always be prepared to get a real thrashing if you start acting a fool. I always surround myself with friends and family that have high self-value and a drive for success that makes life meaningful across all spectrums, while your wife seems like the kind of person that chose to surround herself with losers. Don't be like your wife, get her gone and get good. My 2 cents.

[vectortt]

Well, I dont even know how to start but I tried to understand what she did it, why she did, why i did not and what i could have done.

 

First of all, financial speaking we are both ok and I can say that we earn more than we need to be happy. Both, me and her.

Most of her good friends knew and tried to stop her, told her to stop but she didn't.

Somehow I got over my ego and tried to see things as cold as you can see and I can tell you that I can not be 100% that I could hold myself if I would be in the wrong place or the wrong time. The question is how prone are you to cheat, how easy you can jump in another bed. In my opinion everything starts with a simple flirting and without realising you are there, you are doing it, you know its wrong but you cant stop it. Its like heroin. But same as heroin, you have a choice. To take it or say a big "NO, leave me alone"!!! In her case, she accepted the flirt got in to it, and she insisted to continue knowing its wrong. Been in same situation few years ago but after flirting and stuff i knew it got me and the difference was that I was able to say STOP at the right time. I don't know what would have been if the girl was more on my tastes, with same passions, better looking but I knew how much I loved my soon to be wife I know that I would have given my life for her

 

She is a good looking girl, i was never jelous on her, I have seen guys that tried to flirt but she wasn't interested... until she found this guy at the 10 years highschool meeting

 

Now she regrets it to the bone, I don't know if I will be able to 100% forgive her but I know I want to try and work things out. Our relationship was never threaten by this and we didn't knew the taste. I tasted with the girl I talked about and i was shocked how easy I could have slipped away. Since then, I knew how to protect my relationship from intruders, some girls maybe found me rude, defensive but I don't care.

 

Might sound stupid but I knew she meant it when she told me that she cannot be 100% that she wont do it again. And i understood she is not just saying word because no one can. But she told me that she would do anything to try and make things better. But knowing the taste, the risk, you can protect yourself from this.

 

I wont blame it on age, pills, hormonal changes.. She did it, she hurt me, I tried to understand and I risked giving her another chance. We still have 40k in our joint account. Nobody touched them, nobody cared, no reason for lawyers and stuff this is how much we respect, I know it sounds funny but as I said, i know how much I loved her, respected her and I was a second away to fk it. And Knowing, accepting the risk is the way to protect yourself from the outcome.

[Mr. Lucky]

Now she regrets it to the bone, I don't know if I will be able to 100% forgive her but I know I want to try and work things out.

 

Work it out with someone who won't promise it won't happen again? Did your wedding vows mention "unless something better comes along"?

 

Regardless, sounds like you've talked yourself into it. Hope for your sake it works out, even though your best option seems to be potentially forgiving more infidelity...

 

Mr. Lucky

[vectortt]

Work it out with someone who won't promise it won't happen again? Did your wedding vows mention "unless something better comes along"?

 

Regardless, sounds like you've talked yourself into it. Hope for your sake it works out, even though your best option seems to be potentially forgiving more infidelity...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

As cold as it might sound, she already promised once at our wedding and she couldnt keep that promise and she knows which means she is aware, i'm aware . And because you aware, you can fight it when the time comes. Everyone on this earth has a better match then the current one. THere is no, "you are the best". There is always batter than you, me and her but as soon as you acknowledge it, you accept it and accept the fact that you dont want it, then you are on good path BUT you must be happy, and grateful with what you have. I think infidelity must be forgiven once/life only if you are sure that the person loves you no matter what.As I said, its really easy to get "drunk" by flirting and slip down a dark path. There are no excuses for the second time. NO EXCUSES.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think infidelity must be forgiven once/life only if you are sure that the person loves you no matter what.As I said, its really easy to get "drunk" by flirting and slip down a dark path. There are no excuses for the second time. NO EXCUSES.

 

Couldn't disagree more. Every capable adult understands what's at stake when you cheat on your marriage, and there's no more boundaries in place the second time than there were the first. If anything, by allowing the one occurrence, you're enabling the second...and third...

 

You've simply proven to her she can cheat and you'll easily forgive. Get ready to spend the rest of your life waiting for the next shoe to fall...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

You're pulling the wool over your own eyes.

 

Expect repeated behavior. Since you've accepted it now you get to live with it.

[marky00]

Couldn't disagree more. Every capable adult understands what's at stake when you cheat on your marriage, and there's no more boundaries in place the second time than there were the first. If anything, by allowing the one occurrence, you're enabling the second...and third...

 

 

Actually, I get where the OP is coming from.

 

Not all cheaters are serial offenders. I cheated on an ex who I still loved. Was in an LDR and was feeling quite neglected (which she did somewhat admit to).

 

Anyway, after admitting it, I did get back with her and never thought about cheating again for the remaining 7 years.

 

Some people just need to feel that awful pain once to fully understand the consequences.

[somanymistakes]

Actually, I get where the OP is coming from.

 

Not all cheaters are serial offenders. I cheated on an ex who I still loved. Was in an LDR and was feeling quite neglected (which she did somewhat admit to).

 

Anyway, after admitting it, I did get back with her and never thought about cheating again for the remaining 7 years.

 

Some people just need to feel that awful pain once to fully understand the consequences.

 

This is me as well, though we weren't married - I like to think I wouldn't have done it at all if we had been.

 

If someone is young and cheats once, they might just be idiots who will learn after they realise how much pain they've caused.

 

But 8 months? That's not an "oops", that's a choice.

[DKT3]

Sometimes once someone cheats they develop a F--k it attitude, they feel they've already messed everything up so why stop now, at least they have some enjoyment

 

My wife told me the only time she didn't feel worthless was when she was being reinforced by OM. So she hung in there long past wanting to be there

 

At the end of the day it doesn't make the betrayed feel any better, nor is it an indication of future fidelity or infidelity

[vectortt]

In 8 months they fked 7 times, texted all the fantesies and sent to each other tens of nudes. Yeah... No dinners, no shared songs, nothing emotinal. Our sex life was dying, she was secretly smoking (I told her that I will break up with her if she starts smoking), she had that hormonal issue, heath issues.... No excuses and she accepted full guilt!

 

It was like she was another person. As I know her, even if it wasn't for me she shouldn't have done this because of her reputation, because everybody would know, all friends would know, family... More than this, the guy started to spread **** in order to come clean with his future wife.The thing is that the dude didn't came clear and he is not being honest 100% he plays the victim. She came clean with everything.. maybe more than I wanted to hear but I a way i appreciated the stupid honesty

 

I would have never taught she would cheat on me and that might be a problem in a long term relationship. In 8 years lots of guys approached her and every time she showed me, told me, some of the guys were very insistent and still I didn't care and I was like whateverrr.... We used to go alone to some weddings, we didn't go to out honeymoon because we were too "busy", Never gave her reasons to be jealous. We were in loved and we were best buddies. Played world of warcraft, airsoft, teached her snowboarding, teached her riding a bicycle, a dirtbike, went to bouldering, got beter at table tennis... We used to have a lot of fun and somehow we were unaware of what could happen. I started to be aware only when I almost cheated her and that changed me a lot

 

Its been 10 days and we slept together . Yesterdays, We washed our dirtbikes, went to vote, bought an Xbox one,played some diablo and talked about some treatments for our patients, went to the gym together (she worked out for 5 years and I am a seasonal guy that works out only 6/12 months to get in shape and to improve my sportive performances) and we will book a trip on Spain for some surfing. Ah and showed her some luxury escorts from our city and asked her about a threesome... For some reason she started crying and told me if I think it will help me heal faster she will put up with anything:)) I wont doing it but I also never said that I will make it easy for her...

 

ONE lie and we will brake up, she knows it, I know it. I hope it will turn out ok.If not.. eh, I know I tried and she might be broken and there is nothing left for me.

Edited May 27, 2019 by vectortt

[Buffer]

In 8 months they fked 7 times, texted all the fantesies and sent to each other tens of nudes. Yeah... No dinners, no shared songs, nothing emotinal. Our sex life was dying, she was secretly smoking (I told her that I will break up with her if she starts smoking), she had that hormonal issue, heath issues.... No excuses and she accepted full guilt!

 

I would have never taught she would cheat on me and that might be a problem in a long term relationship.

 

ONE lie and we will brake up, she knows it, I know it. I hope it will turn out ok.If not.. eh, I know I tried and she might be broken and there is nothing left for me.

 

Hope it all is going good. Can I ask how she allowed it to continue and the way it went on?

With moving forward, how will she address any future flirting events so to stop it going to a EA/PA?

 

R is hard enough with both parties fully committed, I have a concern regarding her statement that she cannot promise it won’t happen again.

Did she rug sweep her actions so not to address and to work on them?

 

I wish you both luck, but please stand by your convictions one lie and it is Out the door. Just pack her a bag and not even tell her what lie it was that triggered you to do it.

[Turning point]

She is silly and can be very easily influenced..

 

Be very careful about that assumption, and the notion that "she seemed like a different person.." while in the affair.

 

I used to think that about my ex, until I learned she really was that person and the marriage, family, et. al. was just a public facade - more like a kind of clothing she wanted to wear in public.

 

Cheating is hard work, especially for 8 months or longer. So too, is keeping up appearances. It's literally a game of Mission Impossible and over-time cheaters may blame their spouse for all the hard work of lying that becomes their life. What remains is just contempt.

[schlumpy]

It was like she was another person.

 

I have to disagree. Everything she did with other man - that's the real person. The woman you think you married is the other person. It's opposite of how you are stating it.

 

When she was with you she tried to be who you wanted her to be. When she was with the OM she could be herself.

 

Best Wishes

[Just a Guy]

Hi Vector, your thread makes for a sad read. One can almost predict that that you are setting yourself up for heart break. Actually, it is up to you to set clear cut boundaries about what is acceptable to you and what is not. Having set those boundaries you must diligently abide by them. If you yourself are not clear about what you can accept and what you cannot then you cannot expect your wife or anyone one else, for that matter, to know what these boundaries are and therefore respect them.

 

Currently you are living with infidelity. What you have done is sweep your wife's infidelity under the rug and so the problem has not been addressed. It has been postponed and it will continue to fester in the background , releasing toxins in your marriage till it boils over. You can only ignore this at your peril. However, it is your life and only you can choose to live it the way you want. Best wishes.