He is back but why

[Tilli]

Hi everyone,

 

i wonder if you'd have some opinions, ideas about what i'm about to write below. Sorry if it's too long!!

 

So, more or less 3 years ago i met a guy at my previous job (we worked together) and we used to get along, i'm cant say exactly how well we used to get along but it was nice, very nice. The experience was veryyyy good and nice . He was always very nice, during working hours and breaks as well! This last a couple of months, until one day i was going to get something to eat during lunch and he was outside in a corner. I saw him and asked if he was as well at his lunch break and he said yes. We went together and he seemed normal but at the same time i dont know, there was something else, his behavior was slightly different (i couldn't say exactly how different back then, though i realized after that) he kept saying he had to go back to the office, saying he had things to do. I told him yeah go, see you later!! It was raining (how stupid, but it was), he smiled and left. During that afternoon i didnt see him at the office anymore and on the next day he didnt show up to work and yeah he had left that job for good i was then told during that day. Of Course i was like, really, sorry, how?!? really?!? But we had lunch yesterday, he was on that corner, he seemed normal, i dont understand. Some colleagues told me why dont you get in touch with him (at that time i thought to myself, but why if i had nothing to do with that, i didnt know anything, that was very sudden). I didnt pay to much attention. Some days went by and yeah, he was really gone and i hadn't heard anything from him (i shouldnt, why should i, i thought at the same time, but he could have, it would had been nice of him!). I then followed my colleagues advice. Since i had no other option, i wrote him a message on fb. He never answered me.

Some months later i left that job as well and started working at another company. All that time though his fb profile was in my fb friends you might know list (oh yes we werent friends on fb, i just sent that message as an unknown user, i know that those kind of messages sometimes go to another folder and eventually he might not had seen my message). After a year or so and after his profile fb kept popping, i decided to write him another message (i saw he was in another company, i wrote him). He still never answered me back (this time though i know he read the message, because i received a notification from fb, saying something like your message was seen/received by the user). After these 2 messages of mine i couldnt do anything else or had anything else to say. I let it go. This was in 2017. 2018 came along and i was living my life. Suddenly at this new other job of mine last Oct 2018 i couldnt really believe what my eyes were seeing. It took me some time to really believe and interiorize we were working at the same workplace, under the same roof. These first couple of months were really difficult to me, he was really there, saw him everyday, but i had to get used to the idea, it's just work and it can happen, it's just a coincidence and dont get personal.

 

It would be fine but he doesnt help at all. He looks at me a lot, he doesnt miss an opportunity. I'm at my desk and from across the hall, somewhat from afar, it seems he is calling me with his eyes. I dont even know how he is doing this but it's like these sirens when are singing from the ocean and you have no other option/choice than to look/go/follow. If i look his way, then fine, he keeps his distance, all good, but if i dont look some days (usually because i dont want, because i dont understand it), then well i dont know how he does it but the thing is he crosses me by (on the hall) like face to face and when this happens i have no other choice than to look, even if it's just a very quick look and of course we cross paths (i dont like this particularly). It seems like by doing that he feels relieved, somewhat better, or i dont know for sure what i know is that between his looks from afar and this approach more personal/closer, i prefer a millions times the first one, because it is less difficult for me, so i most of the time prefer to look at him. We can be days, weeks and months like this, looking at each other, but then me or him break this cycle and that it's fine by me, i can handle it. What i cannot handle is when we cross paths on the hall and he does that, it's not me, but him because it usually happens right before when i go to lunch and in the evening when im leaving work. I dont like it, that is too close for me, so then tend to look at him again, but it gets tiring, it feels like a disease or a drug, i actually feel sick sometimes and i dont like that. He doent seem creepy, stalker or anything, but he doesnt say anything, he doesnt talk and i dont think i have to do anything, i've tried before. For me this is very tiring and i dont need difficult stuff in my life. It didnt have to be like this, i dont think i have done anything wrong. He simply left 2 or 3 years ago, i tried and it didnt work out. When i first saw him at my new job and now we are coworkers, omg what a coincidence and then i thought to myself, it can happen but eventually he'll leave like before, so no worries. Well 7 months, almost 8 went by now and he is still there and we see each other everyday, unless when he or i am on vacations and that is as well a thing everytime he goes on vacations or is not there one day i think to myself, he left, uh hoo, great, thank you, but then puff he is there again. Im not sure if you are getting my thing here, if anyone has had something similar, but well yeah it is not easy, emotionally it's very tiring and tough and i think i dont deserve it. The problem is that i dont think i have to talk to him and he is doing this, he looks everytime at me and if i dont he crosses me by on my way and i dont know how he does it, but if he does it, how come he doesnt talk, nothing? On the other hand i think that, if i try and talk to him, he'll be like oh sorry you might be crazy, me doing this or that, no sorry you are mistaking me for somebody else. (You see everything im writing here is my point of view, but it is what i see and since he isnt saying/telling anything, this might only a problem from my side, yeah and it can be ok, but he is the problem and i wouldnt have any problem if he wasnt there, because he was in the past, but the past is not anymore in the past and why?, that is the whole question why is the past not in the past when from my side it was left in the past?) I try to leave it behind, to leave everything behind but it's not easy, specially when from my point of view he is not letting me leaving it behind, he keeps bringing it all up, when we cross each other face to face, it seems he does it on purpose like see you cant avoid even if you want, or maybe it's just another coincidence, if so why then? He is now again crossing me on the hall because i havent looked at him. I dont wanna go back to look at each other, but i dont want to talk to him as well and i dont know if he is going to talk to me or is just keep doing this. Eventually this is kind of behavior is very easy for him, at least so it seems. I just wanted him to explain/tell me why is he doing this. What is his angle here? One thing im sure and i think i can say. He doesnt seem wiling to stop doing this, but at the same time im not sure how much longer will this behavior last? i keep saying to myself, we will leave again, just keep your cool. But then again if he is actually going to leave why hasnt already? He could simply leave, like he did before. Whatever happened was ages ago, why here now? suddenly? we could be working under the same roof but with no looks at all and no crossing by at all, it was fine by me. Why on earth is he doing this? He should be living his life in another place, not under the same roof. i respected him when he didnt answer none of my messages and disappeared for good. i let him go for good. Our paths should have never met again. We dont have the same friends, we dont live at the same area, we dont go to the same parties or gym, we are not fb friends or any other social media, nothing.

Since i dont see it stopping and i am inclining to ask to move to another depart on the firm and by doing so avoid seeing him so much and if it woulnt work then leave the firm which both situations are very irrational and stupid but i have to find any solutions for my sake and he isnt helping at all. i have thought, maybe he is like this, but no he only does that to me, im not being egocentric, because he only does that to me, i've seen it, he doesnt even talk much to other people, men or women).

 

Do you have any opinions, ideas? Is he an *******? Why this on my new workplace? Do you think he knew i was at this new firm (there are some people there from that previous job)? Am i being paranoid?

 

Thank you so much.

 

Tilli

[FMW]

You happened to work at the same place twice now - not unusual, especially if the type of work done at both places is similar. He left the first place for some unknown reason, he didn't respond to your attempt to reach out, so that was that.

 

His working at the same place with you now is just a coincidence, nothing more, nothing planned by anyone, nothing that has any higher significance. I don't think he has any angles, he's just interacting with you as a renewed co-worker.

 

Beyond that, I can't make much sense of what is bothering you so intensely.

[madjac74]

No way. Wall of text. He isn't back for your writing skills.

 

Try Paragraphs once in a while.

[d0nnivain]

This was really tough to follow. The wall of text didn't help but you also ramble.

 

I think you worked at a company with a guy. You had lunch with him on his last day but you didn't know it was his last day. He just left. Over the course of the next 2 years, you sent him 2 messages on FB but he didn't respond.

 

Now you found yourself at a new company & it turns out he works there too. You say he looks at you from across the hall but in the 7-8 months since you have worked together again he "calls you with his eyes." Apparently you still don't talk. Sometimes you are in closer physical proximity & this makes you uncomfortable.

 

The whole thing sounds ridiculous to me. You both have lousy social skills & neither of you knows the 1st thing about being polite.

 

I'd take his aloofness as a lack of interest. Treat him as any other co-worker you barely know. Acknowledge him the way you would a piece of furniture -- meaning don't walk into him. Smile or not if you pass in the hall but otherwise go about your business. There is nothing there between you two.

[d0nnivain]

Is this the same guy from your thread in 2016? https://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/566852-what-kind-person-does-really-insane-anyone

 

It seems your writing style has not improved nor has your ability to communicate with him.

 

Maybe try taking the bull by the horns. Walk over to his desk at the end of the day & ask him to have lunch with you the next day so you two can clear the air. Then ask him what's with all the staring but not talking.

 

I doubt you will do that but it will resolve the issue.

[Tilli]

Hi d0nnivain, finding my way and madjac74,

 

Thank you for your answers. I really appreciated them.

 

D0nnivain, yeah you see this was a long time ago. 2016 was a long time ago and it should had never happened again. The past should be in the past. It might have been something, it might have been nothing, but who cares, it doesnt matter. A lot of time has passed, 3 years, and as a coincidence or not bahmmm again, everything as it was before, again. The looks, the staring, the crossing by part and the no talking at all part too. This is something that is bothering me a lottt and the bigger problem is that it might be bothering just me, which is hilarioussss, because it's me here that is talking about it so much and this guy is doing this stupid stuff and i have to do something, again, like before, because it is bothering me. I don’t know what to do exactly or what he wants, but his reaction might exactly the one is was before, no answer, no talking nothing. I dont see any of this from other people, from other guys at this company. Only from his side, and im there long before he started there. This has never happened before there and with no one else there. My life was good and i was good and that was just a job, nothing else, very simple. Now im bothered and this guy bothers me but does not say anything, he is only always there, not far enough, not close enough, but always with an eye in my way. After trying to reach him back then and nothing, 3 years now and me and this guy are sharing the same workplace. What a coincidence!

 

 

In your last sentences you say "Maybe try taking the bull by the horns. Walk over to his desk at the end of the day & ask him to have lunch with you the next day so you two can clear the air. Then ask him what's with all the staring but not talking. I doubt you will do that but it will resolve the issue." To me that would be what normal people and adult people would do, but you see i tried that before and the reaction was simply no answer, why would it be any different now? Back then wasnt face to face, of that much you are right and that might be what it's needed here, but then again, why hasnt he done this already? Talked to me, say something? and why when i tried to say something to him he said nothing/i got nothing? It's not like he is deaf or dumb. He only looks and stares. (At this new workplace we’ve never talked like before at the old job we would, during breaks, sometimes during lunch time).

 

Many Thanks again.

 

Tilli

[stillafool]

Who knows why you two look at each other and don't talk. I'm sure he's saying the same thing about you. Why is she looking at me? Because you wouldn't know he's looking at you unless you are looking at him. He definitely isn't interested in anything romantic with you because he would have said something long ago if he was. I think you should look in the other direction when you see him or see him coming until looking his way doesn't bother you anymore. You can't control what he does only what you do.

[d0nnivain]

If you tried talking to him before in a normal adult way & you got no where, write him off. Your only acknowledgement of him should be that you don't walk into the way you would walk around a piece of furniture. If you have already concluded he's useless, simply treat him that way. . . ignore, ignore Ignore. He can stare all he wants you don't notice.

[The Outlaw]

You're giving something that really isn't worth it a lot of unnecessary thought. He was a coworker then, and he is once again now. You were friendly with him as he was you, but you weren't friends. You didn't date. But you don't wish to speak with him, nor cross his path, use another route to get to where you need to go. Should you see him, say hello or just nod. That's it. It's absolutely nothing to get worked up over, trust me on that.

[Mr. Lucky]

(At this new workplace we’ve never talked like before at the old job we would, during breaks, sometimes during lunch time).

 

Many Thanks again.

 

Tilli

 

Tilli, what would he have to do for you think he has no interest in a relationship, even a friendly one?

 

So far, he's left the previous job without telling you, ignored your messages for 3 years and , despite recognizing you, refused to interact with you now. Other than a restraining order, not sure what else he could do.

 

Right now it's just awkward, anymore outreach from you would be borderline stalking. Let it go...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Hi everyone,

 

i wonder if you'd have some opinions, ideas about what i'm about to write below. Sorry if it's too long!!

 

So, more or less 3 years ago i met a guy at my previous job (we worked together) and we used to get along, i'm cant say exactly how well we used to get along but it was nice, very nice. The experience was veryyyy good and nice . He was always very nice, during working hours and breaks as well! This last a couple of months, until one day i was going to get something to eat during lunch and he was outside in a corner. I saw him and asked if he was as well at his lunch break and he said yes. We went together and he seemed normal but at the same time i dont know, there was something else, his behavior was slightly different (i couldn't say exactly how different back then, though i realized after that) he kept saying he had to go back to the office, saying he had things to do. I told him yeah go, see you later!! It was raining (how stupid, but it was), he smiled and left. During that afternoon i didnt see him at the office anymore and on the next day he didnt show up to work and yeah he had left that job for good i was then told during that day. Of Course i was like, really, sorry, how?!? really?!? But we had lunch yesterday, he was on that corner, he seemed normal, i dont understand. Some colleagues told me why dont you get in touch with him (at that time i thought to myself, but why if i had nothing to do with that, i didnt know anything, that was very sudden). I didnt pay to much attention. Some days went by and yeah, he was really gone and i hadn't heard anything from him (i shouldnt, why should i, i thought at the same time, but he could have, it would had been nice of him!). I then followed my colleagues advice. Since i had no other option, i wrote him a message on fb. He never answered me.

Some months later i left that job as well and started working at another company. All that time though his fb profile was in my fb friends you might know list (oh yes we werent friends on fb, i just sent that message as an unknown user, i know that those kind of messages sometimes go to another folder and eventually he might not had seen my message). After a year or so and after his profile fb kept popping, i decided to write him another message (i saw he was in another company, i wrote him). He still never answered me back (this time though i know he read the message, because i received a notification from fb, saying something like your message was seen/received by the user). After these 2 messages of mine i couldnt do anything else or had anything else to say. I let it go. This was in 2017. 2018 came along and i was living my life. Suddenly at this new other job of mine last Oct 2018 i couldnt really believe what my eyes were seeing. It took me some time to really believe and interiorize we were working at the same workplace, under the same roof. These first couple of months were really difficult to me, he was really there, saw him everyday, but i had to get used to the idea, it's just work and it can happen, it's just a coincidence and dont get personal.

 

It would be fine but he doesnt help at all. He looks at me a lot, he doesnt miss an opportunity. I'm at my desk and from across the hall, somewhat from afar, it seems he is calling me with his eyes. I dont even know how he is doing this but it's like these sirens when are singing from the ocean and you have no other option/choice than to look/go/follow. If i look his way, then fine, he keeps his distance, all good, but if i dont look some days (usually because i dont want, because i dont understand it), then well i dont know how he does it but the thing is he crosses me by (on the hall) like face to face and when this happens i have no other choice than to look, even if it's just a very quick look and of course we cross paths (i dont like this particularly). It seems like by doing that he feels relieved, somewhat better, or i dont know for sure what i know is that between his looks from afar and this approach more personal/closer, i prefer a millions times the first one, because it is less difficult for me, so i most of the time prefer to look at him. We can be days, weeks and months like this, looking at each other, but then me or him break this cycle and that it's fine by me, i can handle it. What i cannot handle is when we cross paths on the hall and he does that, it's not me, but him because it usually happens right before when i go to lunch and in the evening when im leaving work. I dont like it, that is too close for me, so then tend to look at him again, but it gets tiring, it feels like a disease or a drug, i actually feel sick sometimes and i dont like that. He doent seem creepy, stalker or anything, but he doesnt say anything, he doesnt talk and i dont think i have to do anything, i've tried before. For me this is very tiring and i dont need difficult stuff in my life. It didnt have to be like this, i dont think i have done anything wrong. He simply left 2 or 3 years ago, i tried and it didnt work out. When i first saw him at my new job and now we are coworkers, omg what a coincidence and then i thought to myself, it can happen but eventually he'll leave like before, so no worries. Well 7 months, almost 8 went by now and he is still there and we see each other everyday, unless when he or i am on vacations and that is as well a thing everytime he goes on vacations or is not there one day i think to myself, he left, uh hoo, great, thank you, but then puff he is there again. Im not sure if you are getting my thing here, if anyone has had something similar, but well yeah it is not easy, emotionally it's very tiring and tough and i think i dont deserve it. The problem is that i dont think i have to talk to him and he is doing this, he looks everytime at me and if i dont he crosses me by on my way and i dont know how he does it, but if he does it, how come he doesnt talk, nothing? On the other hand i think that, if i try and talk to him, he'll be like oh sorry you might be crazy, me doing this or that, no sorry you are mistaking me for somebody else. (You see everything im writing here is my point of view, but it is what i see and since he isnt saying/telling anything, this might only a problem from my side, yeah and it can be ok, but he is the problem and i wouldnt have any problem if he wasnt there, because he was in the past, but the past is not anymore in the past and why?, that is the whole question why is the past not in the past when from my side it was left in the past?) I try to leave it behind, to leave everything behind but it's not easy, specially when from my point of view he is not letting me leaving it behind, he keeps bringing it all up, when we cross each other face to face, it seems he does it on purpose like see you cant avoid even if you want, or maybe it's just another coincidence, if so why then? He is now again crossing me on the hall because i havent looked at him. I dont wanna go back to look at each other, but i dont want to talk to him as well and i dont know if he is going to talk to me or is just keep doing this. Eventually this is kind of behavior is very easy for him, at least so it seems. I just wanted him to explain/tell me why is he doing this. What is his angle here? One thing im sure and i think i can say. He doesnt seem wiling to stop doing this, but at the same time im not sure how much longer will this behavior last? i keep saying to myself, we will leave again, just keep your cool. But then again if he is actually going to leave why hasnt already? He could simply leave, like he did before. Whatever happened was ages ago, why here now? suddenly? we could be working under the same roof but with no looks at all and no crossing by at all, it was fine by me. Why on earth is he doing this? He should be living his life in another place, not under the same roof. i respected him when he didnt answer none of my messages and disappeared for good. i let him go for good. Our paths should have never met again. We dont have the same friends, we dont live at the same area, we dont go to the same parties or gym, we are not fb friends or any other social media, nothing.

Since i dont see it stopping and i am inclining to ask to move to another depart on the firm and by doing so avoid seeing him so much and if it woulnt work then leave the firm which both situations are very irrational and stupid but i have to find any solutions for my sake and he isnt helping at all. i have thought, maybe he is like this, but no he only does that to me, im not being egocentric, because he only does that to me, i've seen it, he doesnt even talk much to other people, men or women).

 

Do you have any opinions, ideas? Is he an *******? Why this on my new workplace? Do you think he knew i was at this new firm (there are some people there from that previous job)? Am i being paranoid?

 

Thank you so much.

 

Tilli

 

Ask the dude out on a date. If he declines, you have your answer. Just don't make it weird or be petty about it if he declines...