Notconvinced Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 I’m not sure where to begin ... We moved a few years ago away from family and friends and a job I loved. It was a mutual decision. We decided that it would be best for me to stay home and make sure our children were settled in their new environment. Fast forward a few years later and my husband has become more and more distant and created a life without us. I found myself withdrawing and felt like I had completely disappeared in his eyes. I felt like his mother rather than his partner, and our love life dwindled to duty sex twice a week. I confronted him at the beginning of the year because he was constantly on his phone and completely uncommunicative. He assured me that there was nothing going on and offered me his phone to check. Which I refused. He said that he was unsatisfied with our love life and that it was to vanilla and that I had changed and maybe we weren’t meant to be. I was completely devastated but said that was fine and that he should move into the spare room. He came back to me after he had left our room in tears telling me he had made a mistake and that he wanted to work through our problems and never wanted a divorce. My only request was that he make an effort to see me as more than just the maid and his chef and personal play thing when he wanted me. To keep communication open I have been doing my own research on my own sexuality and being comfortable in my own skin, and I’m loving it! I feel like I’m finding me again. But over the last month he has stopped trying again. He gets defensive when I try to communicate with him. It’s always about him and I don’t want my heart broken again. What shall I do? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dandelioness Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 I have been doing my own research on my own sexuality and being comfortable in my own skin, and I’m loving it! This ^^ Keep it up. Focus on yourself. Have you tried counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 Get a counselor & get him to open up about what's wrong. Then work together to find a way back to when things were good. As a plan B start looking for a job. You do not want to be caught unemployed if he walks. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 I guess another woman. Unsatisfied with sex life, withdrawing sex, distant, defensive about phone = other woman/women. He probably felt guilty and stopped it for a while but now she is back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 My only request was that he make an effort to see me as more than just the maid and his chef and personal play thing when he wanted me. Well then, that’s what you need to be. How old are your children? Can you go back to work? Hire a housecleaner? Do more things together as a family? Go out on dates or cook more meals together? Make some new friends/take a class/join an exercise group... if you want him to see you as more than a mother, a maid, a chef, etc... then you need to become that. It’s also a very good idea to get a job so that you can save some money and have a way to support yourself in case he does leave - or perhaps, you will decide to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
PhillyLibertyBelle Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 I’m so sorry to hear about this latest turn of events. The best things really you can do to protect yourself and see if the marriage can be saved are: couples counselling and you finding a job soonest so you have your own money in case of an emergency AND so you become more of an equal to him (in his eyes) and not just the chief cook and bottle washer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Notconvinced Posted May 19, 2019 Author Share Posted May 19, 2019 Unfortunately because of the visas we have I can’t work. I hate being financially dependent on anyone. My kids are 15 and 12 and I cycle to and from the gym 5 days a week just to do something for myself. Thank you for all your kind words. I truly appreciate it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhillyLibertyBelle Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 Unfortunately because of the visas we have I can’t work. I hate being financially dependent on anyone. My kids are 15 and 12 and I cycle to and from the gym 5 days a week just to do something for myself. Thank you for all your kind words. I truly appreciate it How about an eBay venture selling your maternity clothes or things you make? Maybe babysitting another child? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 It sure doesn't sound like he's trying very hard. I like how you reacted to him whining about sex after totally taking you for granted and being absent emotionally. Man, the nerve. So now you know what his priority is. Who knows if he's cheating or just toying with people online, but his head is elsewhere and his focus is on sex, so that says a lot. Check the laws there where you moved to and just see if in case it blows up, you are even allowed to move away because of the kids. In the US, you would be required to stay within a small perimeter. But if you can't work there, does that mean you're illegal there? I don't see how you can be married to someone who is allowed to be there and not be legal and able to work when needed. Any chance both of you could move back to where you have family? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Notconvinced Posted May 19, 2019 Author Share Posted May 19, 2019 (edited) Because his company brought him over here to start up a new branch they handled everything, unfortunately that meant that I came on the back his visa but couldn’t work. The first thing I did when this all blew up at the beginning of the year was to research what rights I have and everything I have come across hints at me having no leg legal right to be here so I would have to go back to the U.K. thank you for your support. I don’t feel like I can speak to friends and family. I don’t want them to have to worry about me Edited May 19, 2019 by Notconvinced Spelling 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhillyLibertyBelle Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 thank you for your support. I don’t feel like I can speak to friends and family. I don’t want them to have to worry about me I’m sure your family wants to know what’s going on and would immediately step in to help. If you were my sister I’d be on the next flight to where you are and if things were crap getting you and the babies on a flight back to blighy with me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 Unfortunately because of the visas we have I can’t work. I hate being financially dependent on anyone. My kids are 15 and 12 and I cycle to and from the gym 5 days a week just to do something for myself. Thank you for all your kind words. I truly appreciate it What about volunteering somewhere? No, you might not make any money but it will give you a purpose beyond the home and you might make some friends too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 I guess another woman. Unsatisfied with sex life, withdrawing sex, distant, defensive about phone = other woman/women. Yup. And here you are OP, doing the "pick me" dance as fast as you can, trying to jump around like a trained seal and perform sexually for him so he'll come back to you. All you're doing is rewarding a lying cheater with better sex at home. So now, he's got a girlfriend on the side he's playing with AND a wife whose willing to give him what he wants at home. It's win/win - for HIM. I'd be shutting this **** show down so quick he'd get whiplash from the severity of it. Open your eyes, OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 Unfortunately because of the visas we have I can’t work. I hate being financially dependent on anyone. My kids are 15 and 12 and I cycle to and from the gym 5 days a week just to do something for myself. Thank you for all your kind words. I truly appreciate it You can babysit for cash. There are probably a lot of working women who would love to have a decent, trusting woman watch their kid(s) while they go to work or after school, etc. LOTS of women make extra under the table cash doing this. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 Because his company brought him over here to start up a new branch they handled everything, unfortunately that meant that I came on the back his visa but couldn’t work. The first thing I did when this all blew up at the beginning of the year was to research what rights I have and everything I have come across hints at me having no leg legal right to be here so I would have to go back to the U.K. thank you for your support. I don’t feel like I can speak to friends and family. I don’t want them to have to worry about me Well at least speak to an immigration lawyer. If you can volunteer, perhaps that will be a way to feed your soul while keeping you inside the limits of your visa. What about taking on line courses to feed your mind? While you may not be able to work, you can still grow as a person Link to post Share on other sites
Author Notconvinced Posted May 20, 2019 Author Share Posted May 20, 2019 Actually, I started an online course 5 weeks ago which I am completely loving. Thank you for your support 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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