The Ex and the current BF = who to choose?

[klandes]

I can't organize my head to actually make the right choice between two guys. My ex of 2yrs and this new amazing guy of only 3 months.

My ex has done so much damage to me and to our relationship (see previous posts) that my often vindictive self won't let go of. I'm currently staying at my ex's because i had no luck finding a place, however i am looking desperately to move out i just cannot live this way, it still feels like we are together, and some of it is my fault for letting old feelings creep back up. We are the point where it is now a habit to be together and it's hard to let go and move on. He's still deeply in love with me and i told him that i wasn't sure about the having the same feelings. One day we felt totally comfortable back again and we ended up sleeping together. I never cheated on anyone before, but now i can fully understand when in certain situations you just can't control it. And i have no excuses for it. However, after this i have come to the conclusion that i love my ex, but i'm not in love as i used to.

 

My ex is aware of my relationship with this "new guy" who is also aware of my new living arrangements with the "ex". They both know the current situation. They both hate it. I asked the BF about my moving to my ex's and he was willing to accept it, as long as he doesn't "lose" me.

This reaction is beyond me.

 

I cannot tell my current boyfriend what has happened, please don't ask me to do so. I'll accept the slut remarks but i don't have the heart to tell him the details. There are some things better left unsaid. I know this will hurt him. I am falling for this guy, and i believe the feeling is mutual, i wanted to give it a chance. But after what happened with the ex I considered the option of breaking up with him, and believe me i have tried... I brought up the long distance and how it's impossible to make it work, and he came back saying that he's decided to move to the city and wants to find a place together. I freaked out.

 

I need advice asap, i'm moving out at the end of the month, but if i decide to continue with my current BF, how can i? if i do end up moving in with him, my ex will go insane, he will do crazy things and i'm just lost at this point, maybe i should just dissapear for a while and let them be.

[sleeplessincnd]

Exes are exes for a reason. Cut contact with him and move on with the new guy. You needn't tell him about what happened but you better make damn sure that you don't do it again!

 

Everytime you start to think about your ex force yourself to remember the bad things he has done to you - the new guy deserves a chance and will likely treat you better - people don't change - stay away from the ex!

[Grinning Maniac]

You are not a slut. You were just a bit nieve in thinking that its possible to live with an ex who still has feelings for you. A lot of people don't even remain in social contact when feelings are involved...you tried living in the same house. Very, very foolish.

 

I don't know what you're asking from people here. You don't ask for advice and then try to filter what *kinds* of advice people should give you. Do you want people to tell you what you would like to hear, or what they think is the correct thing to do?

 

My ex is aware of my relationship with this "new guy" who is also aware of my new living arrangements with the "ex". They both know the current situation. They both hate it.

 

...Yet you agreed to live with the ex? Why? I understand you were having trouble finding a place to live, but to live with someone who you know has romantic feelings for you? Bad idea. Even worse since obviously you feel something for the ex as well.

 

I asked the BF about my moving to my ex's and he was willing to accept it, as long as he doesn't "lose" me. This reaction is beyond me.

 

That makes two of us. This is the saddest part of this whole post. Most men would tell you that you were out of your mind, and some would even end the relationship over you staying with your ex. But this guy, he actually bit the bullet and decided to trust you, despite feeling something was wrong...and you actually managed to prove him right.

 

The last line is what you need to think about...because he has lost you, in a way. He trusted you in this insane situation and his fears came true. If you're foolish enough to try and keep it from him, you have a nearly 100% chance of losing him. You say yourself that your ex is unpredictable. What do you plan on doing if in a fit of jealousy, he decides to leak what happened that night to your BF?

 

Secrets in a relationship NEVER make the relationship better. It never happens. Please believe me. I'm sorry if you don't like what I'm telling you, but even you have to know in your heart that it's true. Emotional constipation and outright lying will ****-your-relationship-up, plain and simple. For example, when people don't voice their concerns about little things in a relationship that upset them(habits, sex life, etc), for fear of "hurting feelings", it always builds up inside that person, and eventually blows up into a fight or an angry breakup. What in the world do you think will happen in your case? Are you so arrogant that you believe you can carry around this secret inside of you for your entire relationship? He will find out eventually. It may even be years from now, but things like this almost always get outed.

 

Your BF is going to be hurt no matter what. You can't stop him from being hurt by this. Please stop trying to believe that you can "protect" him. It's a born-to-lose deal. You've already hurt him, and your relationship. He just hasn't gotten the bill yet.

 

I am not your BF, but let me tell you, from a male perspective, I would be much more willing to forgive you if you told me right away, rather than if I found out years later by running across something by accident or encountering someone with a loose tongue. If you came to me a.s.a.p. and admitted what had happened, yeah I'd be hurting really badly, but I could at least consider you to be honest and in the long run, that would weigh *heavily* on whether or not I stuck around, I assure you.

 

But if I happened to find out what happened YEARS after the fact, I would drop you and never look back. Not only would I have to deal with all of the feelings of anger, betrayal, and inadequacy that normally come with being cheated on, I would honestly be unable to see your character in any sort of positive light. Do you not realize how much more it would hurt your BF to know that he has not only been betrayed by someone he loved, but that you were sneaky and dishonest enough to hide it for so long? You will have justified his concerns about the situation, and even worse, you will cause him to wonder about every other remotely unsettling situation that has occured since then. How would he ever really be able to believe you about anything; past, present or future? That's a cliche phrase, but think about it. What reasons could you give him to trust you? He had his suspicions, despite your insistance, life went on and you cheated on him just as he predicted. If you tell him the truth now, you will be seen as a person who has made a terrible mistake, deeply regrets it, and has realized that they couldn't see the situation for what it really was. The efforts you will inevitably extend to make it up to him, will be seen as you trying to make a situation right and win back his affections. They will be taken sincerely.

 

But if you try to hide this and he ends up finding out, you will be seen as a deceptive person who didnt want to admit that they misjudged the situation or maybe didn't even think what they did was wrong. It's harsh, but I'd like to see how many people disagree with me. I'm telling you, if you hide this and he finds out, it won't matter what you do. All of the tears and explainations and assurances of your love, will be seen as nothing more than the desparation of someone who's only sorry they got caught. If you try to shower him with affection in an attempt to make things right, it will be seen as entirely fake and insincere. No matter what you do, he will see you in the worst light you can possibly imagine. It won't matter if you're more humble than Mother Theresa and love him more than your heart can bear. Your words and actions will fall on the deaf and blind.

 

I believe that loving someone means wanting to protect them from any harm, but the meaning of that virtue gets perverted far too often in self-interest. You wouldn't try to put a bullet-proof vest on someone AFTER they've been shot in the stomach. You wouldn't change the batteries in the smoke detector AFTER your house has burned up. You wouldn't grab a radiation suit for someone AFTER they've wandered into the core of a nuclear reactor. So why are you trying to protect your boyfriend from the pain of being cheated on AFTER you've cheated on him?

 

Loving someone does not mean attempting to decieve them in order to "protect" them. You can't take back what has happened. In my book, loving someone means that when you screw up, you apologize and try your best to make things better from that point on. You don't try to act like the problem doesn't exist. It exists. You need to fix it, not ignore it. Please don't make the terrible choice that I keep seeing people in your situation lean towards. I really fear that you're going to regret it... :/

[lindya]

He trusted you in this insane situation and his fears came true. If you're foolish enough to try and keep it from him, you have a nearly 100% chance of losing him.

 

Agreed. Can the situation be salvaged? It's debatable...but the sooner you own up to what's happened, the better your chances, I'd say. As it is, every day that goes by that you DON'T tell him is another day spent cheating on him. Lying to him. "Protecting" him from the truth (and yourself from the outcome).

 

Right now, the cheating is a secret shared between you and your ex. A further bond that's between created between two people who already had a history together. This secret that you and your ex are now sharing involves but simultaneously excludes your new boyfriend. It's difficult to see that there's any way of remedying that undesirable situation other than to 'fess up.

 

Physical infidelity creates a major problem in a relationship, but one that can sometimes be worked through if the bond and communication between you is strong enough. The longer you leave it before owning up, however, the more likely it is that long term - possibly unrepairable - damage will be done to your new relationship.

[glittergurl]

You need to take a step back and look at it in an objective way, and think: "What is the best for me? What do **I** really want?"

 

Ex boyfriends are just the wrong option. Trust me, I've been there, and even though you may feel stuck with your feelings and like you'll never be able to let go; you have to force yourself to stay away from him, because exes are exes for a reason. As soon as your feelings fade for them, you realize how stupid it would have been to stay. Plus, you don't seem comfortable about living with him anyway, so what's the point?

 

Now, about your new guy; I feel like this relationship is way too recent for you to really feel bound to him. You refer to him as "the boyfriend", but you call the other one "**My** ex" ...

 

I think it's too soon for you to move in with your new boyfriend. It seems like the whole situation is confusing you too much at this point, and you should probably find a place of your own. If you can't afford it, then maybe try to arrange something with a girl friend? That way, you can still date your new guy, without being stuck in a situation or relationship.

 

And yes, I agree, I wouldn't tell him about that night with your ex. You're probably not even sure yet whether your relationship with your new guy will last or not (and honestly, since you've cheated on him, this relationship has just been seriously jeopardized, and I am a bit pessimistic about its possible future...); so no need to put yourself into even more trouble.

 

You need time for yourself, girl.