abandoned2018 Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 (edited) For the last 3 years,I am having an affair with a married man. it's on and off... he'll leave , be back...we all know the usual chain of events... no matter how i tried i could not stop loving him... now, he says he does want to marry me, but he can't because he wants to be with his child and watch the child grow.... What do i say to this? have you gone through this? how did you finally convince him/her to leave? He can divorce her but still spend quality time with his child right...? it's not like he has to be with the child 24/7 .... loads of people divorce and still raise kids... he says he is not like the others... I have gone through depression because of this affair... i really want to marry him and have a life together... i know the final decision is in his hands.... but please, is there anything i can say which will make him change his mind...? thank you.... Edited May 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing Link to post Share on other sites
TooBad Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 Uhm.. No, the final decision is in YOUR hands. I guess he thought it was time to come up with a (new) excuse why he isn't divorcing and marrying you. If you are the one that needs to change his mind there's a likely probability he will resent you for it at some point. Just cut the crap and let him go. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 The long and short of it is that being there with his children is more important to him than leaving the marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 Truth is he doesn't really want to marry you. If he did, he would get a divorce and marry you tomorrow, kid or no kid. Men are often in affairs for "extra", extra sex, extra affection, extra fun, extra love, extra excitement... the intention is not to get a new wife, they already have one of those. He is using his child as an excuse. "I would marry you, BUT..." is the usual ploy used to keep an OW on board. It engenders "hope", she feels important and loved. She sticks around and that is wonderful FOR HIM. FOR HER not so much, years wasted hoping for "more"... Yes you could try to force his hand, make a stink, cause mayhem, even tell his wife maybe, but he will end up hating you as the status quo is what he wants, a lovely wife and child at home and a besotted OW on the side waiting for him... ego boost +++ He has told you he is not leaving his child. Believe him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 This will end when you end it. He does not want to marry you & he's not going to. He's a liar. He lies to his wife every day he continues his affair with you. He promised to love honor & cherish her forever, forsaking all others. He made that promise publicly & he breaks it every day. Then he tells you he can't divorce her. B.S.! He doesn't want to divorce her, at least not to marry you. He tells you this lie because you need to hear it to keep having sex with him. When you wake up & figure out that he is using for sex & doesn't respect you, then you will walk. Have a little dignity. You are being used & lied to by a bad guy. Why do you continue to allow this? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 He already had the chance to leave when his wife found out but he chose her not you, and " ...on 24th Dec he told me he does not love me and loves his wife." Not sure why you are still hanging on... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 he can divorce her but still spend quality time with his child right...? it's not like he has to be with the child 24/7 .... loads of people divorce and still raise kids... Yes, they do. And pay a lot of child support and, if an affair was the reason for the marriage failure (and it would be; don't delude yourself with "but the marrage was alraedy over"), shame would follow him forever as well. What he probably means is "I don't want people to find out I'm the kind of person who would leave his wife for another woman and I also don't want to disrupt my life financially. At least not for you." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 i have gone through depression because of this affair... i really want to marry him and have a life together... i know the final decision is in his hands.... but please, is there anything i can say which will make him change his mind...? thank you.... It's time to work towards accepting that this is not going to happen, OP. Don't make the mistake of believing that if you just said the right thing, constructed the right argument, he would leave his wife and child. That's not how it works. This isn't a court case to be won. He is choosing to stay with them, and it won't matter what you say. It also certainly is not your place to try to persuade him to leave his family. You have two choices here: A) Walk away and be done with this for good, or B) Stick around for another several years, feeling depressed that he still won't leave her for you, and wind up single in the end anyway. There isn't another option. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 (edited) The final decision is in your hands... you can decide not to wait around another day longer for a man who has clearly chosen to stay with his family. ETA. A year ago, his wife found out about the affair and he recommitted to his family. This man has told you in no uncertain terms that he wants to stay with his family... and yet, a year later you post a similar story, telling us that you want him to leave his family and marry you. It’s not going to happen. Please don’t waste your life on this man... someday, you will look back and you will regret this time that you have wasted - when you could have found your own man and had your own family. Don’t waste more time... https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/656641-his-wife-found-out-he-suddenly-abandoned-me-i-am-heart-broken Edited May 19, 2019 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 “Can’t” is the cowards way of saying “won’t.” Mine used those words and his kids are grown! He has to set an example of marriage, he said. Once you try to talk to him about the kid issue, he will give you another reason he “can’t,” err, “won’t.” 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 The power over your life is all yours. You've choosing to give it to this married man who has proven he doesn't care enough to have you in his life as anything more than a secret. He's not leaving his marriage because he doesn't want to. There are no angles or logistics to figure out. He simply does not want to leave his marriage and be with you. Getting over someone takes a lot of time and conscious effort to redirect your fantasies and illusions back to reality. You haven't been able to stop loving him because you haven't taken the time and done that very hard work of accepting the truth. It's difficult to do, but it's the only alternative to wasting more years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 Getting over someone takes a lot of time and conscious effort to redirect your fantasies and illusions back to reality. And continuing with a man, expecting him to leave his family for you when he has clearly told you it is not going to happen, is pure fantasy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 Yes, they do. And pay a lot of child support and, if an affair was the reason for the marriage failure (and it would be; don't delude yourself with "but the marrage was alraedy over"), shame would follow him forever as well. Or, they leave and the kids leave with them, and any child support is paid by the BW. It depends on how old the kids are - older kids have a say in who they want to live with - and which parent the kids prefer as their primary home. When my H left his xBW, the kids chose to be with us. And there was certainly no shame In this case, though, it seems unlikely. He had his chance to leave, and bottled it. He could leave and take the kid, or at least fight for primary custody, if it was all about the kid - but he’s told you before that it’s not. I’d say there isn’t anything you can say or do to make him marry you and live happily ever after, however much you might want that. He doesn’t - or, he doesn’t *enough* to act on it. You have a choice. Continue the R as it is, knowing this is all you’ll get from it, if it’s better for you than not having him at all - but accept it for what it is, and stop hoping for something you’ll never have. Or, if that seems like settling, and you really want a FTR that leads to M, then accept it won’t be with him and look elsewhere. You can’t force someone to love you or want you the way you want them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 Or, they leave and the kids leave with them, and any child support is paid by the BW. It depends on how old the kids are - older kids have a say in who they want to live with - and which parent the kids prefer as their primary home. When my H left his xBW, the kids chose to be with us. And there was certainly no shame What a heartwarming story... this woman’s husband cheated on her, divorced her to be with the other woman, her children left her home and she is left paying support to he man who cheated... I would hope there is more to the story, but if this is what happened all I can say is - that poor woman. That would destroy me. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 What a heartwarming story... this woman’s husband cheated on her, divorced her to be with the other woman, her children left her home and she is left paying support to he man who cheated... I would hope there is more to the story, but if this is what happened all I can say is - that poor woman. That would destroy me. Depending on the person and circumstances, she may well see it as money well spent to be rid of him. Op, I know it's hard when you love someone to see them objectively, but I really suggest you try. Look at how he is treating his wife. That tells you everything you need to know. If eh's kept his affair going this long, then he's one successful liar. You can't change that about him. No one can but him, and it doesn't sound like he's trying. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 What a heartwarming story... this woman’s husband cheated on her, divorced her to be with the other woman, her children left her home and she is left paying support to he man who cheated... I would hope there is more to the story, but if this is what happened all I can say is - that poor woman. That would destroy me. It certainly takes a "special" kind of person to not feel shame about that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 Cheaters frequently just want an extra person to have sex with and have no desire to leave their spouses. He has a lot more with his wife and kids than with you and he's been blunt about it. You should find someone not already married. You can't possibly really love him unless you love lying cheats. You just love what you hoped he was, which was some unrealistic pipedream that you were the real love of his life. But you're not. He just wanted extra sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 (edited) In this case, though, it seems unlikely. He had his chance to leave, and bottled it. ... I’d say there isn’t anything you can say or do to make him marry you and live happily ever after, however much you might want that. He doesn’t - or, he doesn’t *enough* to act on it. You can’t force someone to love you or want you the way you want them. Nothing is truer than this. I am living proof. Mine went so far as to tell the wife and kids he wanted to leave. Then he didn't for a whole host of reasons. We broke up for a month end of February. He came back in tears because he realized in that time he didn't want to be without me. He again had the outline of a plan to leave. 2 weeks ago we broke up because he was waffling again. Does he love me? Quite possibly in his own selfish way. Will he leave? Not a chance. Read my thread, if you haven't for all the gory details. If they love you *enough* they may leave. If they make excuses you're just banging your head against a brick wall and it will hurt like the dickens. Oh yes, today is his 29th anniversary. A few weeks ago he vowed it would be his last with her. Funny joke ... Edited May 19, 2019 by LilKatKat 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 Moving on fully from the affair would create room in your life for a better, healthier, and more fulfilling relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BurnedAndLost Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 What a heartwarming story... this woman’s husband cheated on her, divorced her to be with the other woman, her children left her home and she is left paying support to he man who cheated... I would hope there is more to the story, but if this is what happened all I can say is - that poor woman. That would destroy me. They relish in it. All I can say is karma is real. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 op, it's hard to see the person we love objectively. I don;t think there's a person alive who hasn't engaged in some willful blindness, seeing what we want to see. it's been said by an awful lot of people who have lived through the experience that having you spouse cheat on you is one of the most painful experiences a husband or wife can go through. Your married man is doing that to his wife. What kind of a person knowingly does this? Really think about that. The man you want to be with is perfectly fine with lying and deception, seeing it as means to an end. If he wasn't okay with these, he wouldn't do them. What does that predict for your future? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 OP, I just read your previous thread and picked up a few words of encouragement for myself along the way. Consider this: my MM has never told me he loves his wife, he has never told me he doesn't love me. Quite the opposite. He has never told me that if he weren't married, he still wouldn't be with me. Again, quite the opposite. He has told me he wants to leave but hasn't. He has said he's having difficulty mustering up the courage. He has used kids, this that and the other as ways of deferring. After 7 months of this, I give up. The pain is not worth the pleasure. At least in words (and some deeds) mine has shown consistency that he cares on some level, though obviously not enough. I have come to realize that indecision is in itself a decision. Your guy isn't even indecisive. He has actually told you he loves his wife and not you and that he wouldn't be with you even if he were single. What are you holding on to? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted May 20, 2019 Author Share Posted May 20, 2019 I know i am an idiot... i just can't stop this... when i try to stop i go back to him quick... if i block him , after a day or two i feel a very strong longing to message him... i know it's a mess.... sometimes i hate myself for begging him to marry me... sometimes i wish that something happens and i die... like an accident... some of you read my other threads and saw that he told me he doesn't love me and loves her... he has said sorry about that, has said he loves me and not her... and has said he wants to leave her. i know whatever i say the decision to leave shall come from him.... is there anything i can tell him so that he will see he can leave and still maintain a good parent-child relationship with his child? i know this guy loves me.... so how can he just stay like this knowing i am sad ? why isn't he taking steps to be with me..... i wish there was some magical solution for this. but i know there isn't and i am suffering alone while he is spending time with her...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted May 20, 2019 Author Share Posted May 20, 2019 he tells me "try to understand. how can i see my child grow up if i leave" so... what about me? what about my pain? when will he understand that? how can he just be okay knowing that i am suffering? where is the so called "love" he has for me..... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 so... what about me? what about my pain? when will he understand that? how can he just be okay knowing that i am suffering? where is the so called "love" he has for me..... He understands it. He just doesn't care. There is a difference between the two. He's okay knowing you're suffering because your feelings are just not that important to him. You need to start realizing that love is not what this man has for you. He loves the attention and affection you give him, but not you as a person - despite what he says. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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