Timshel Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 Of course you need to see a therapist abandoned, your disposition is not healthy. Have you received a diagnosis in the past? You are remarkably detached and self focused. See a licensed psychologist, have a full physical as well as a full diagnostic evaluation. It is better to know what you need to live a full and healthy life than suffer for years on end. Make an appointment asap, your life will improve when you receive proper support. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted August 18, 2019 Author Share Posted August 18, 2019 OP, may I ask how old you are? You seem extremely immature. "If he loved me, he would marry me, and visit the kid......" so now it is immature to expect the man who says he loves me , to marry me? i shall always be the mistress and be silent? is that the mature thing to do....? Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted August 18, 2019 Author Share Posted August 18, 2019 Of course you need to see a therapist abandoned, your disposition is not healthy. Have you received a diagnosis in the past? You are remarkably detached and self focused. See a licensed psychologist, have a full physical as well as a full diagnostic evaluation. It is better to know what you need to live a full and healthy life than suffer for years on end. Make an appointment asap, your life will improve when you receive proper support. no. i havent receiced a diagnosis. if i am detached i would not feel this pain. i would just forget and move on. and if im self focused i would not wait 3 years for him to divorce. i know she wont be sad if he leaves her. he is the one who told me that. and please do not try to make me feel guilty for wanting him to leave her. ...because it is him who told me he wants to marry me and gave me hope.... i am in pain for the love i lost, for the dreams and hopes that are now shattered. i am not a robot to forget all that in 3 days and be normal... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 so now it is immature to expect the man who says he loves me , to marry me? i shall always be the mistress and be silent? is that the mature thing to do....? It absolutely is immature - you have completely ignored the fact that he is already married and has a wife and child because it’s not convenient for you. The mature thing to do would be to respect the fact that he has a wife and child, accept the fact that he is unavailable to you, and move on with your life. Again, you insistence that he marry you - if he really loves you - is akin to a child’s tantrum. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 i shall always be the mistress and be silent? is that the mature thing to do....? NO but it is the mature thing to think. He is a married man, did it never cross your mind that married men already have wives. They have "mistresses" as the last thing they want to do is get a divorce... The mistress stays a secret, they don't tend to marry the mistress, do they?... What made you think your situation was any different? He told you where you stood, yet you refused to believe him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 and please do not try to make me feel guilty for wanting him to leave her. ...because it is him who told me he wants to marry me and gave me hope.... He was very wrong to do that. However, and I’m sorry to say this, you were rather foolish to believe him and to waste three years of your life waiting for him... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted August 18, 2019 Author Share Posted August 18, 2019 It absolutely is immature - you have completely ignored the fact that he is already married and has a wife and child because it’s not convenient for you. The mature thing to do would be to respect the fact that he has a wife and child, accept the fact that he is unavailable to you, and move on with your life. Again, you insistence that he marry you - if he really loves you - is akin to a child’s tantrum. married men do leave their wives for other women... people get divorced everyday, all over the world... so i thought he will too.... Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 How else would you stay with him for three years (though I don't get what an affair this is if there is no sex, what were you doing when you were together?) if he wasn't feeding you lies? Would you stay if he was telling you he loved his wife, he was happy in the marriage, you were only just for fun and she would be unhappy if he left her? What he did was what salespeople do: they give the facts THEY want so the customer thinks this purchase is good for them and their wallet and they have nothing to lose. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted August 18, 2019 Author Share Posted August 18, 2019 He was very wrong to do that. However, and I’m sorry to say this, you were rather foolish to believe him and to waste three years of your life waiting for him... yes. i see that now. the hope was so sweet that i kept waiting.... hoping... Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted August 18, 2019 Author Share Posted August 18, 2019 How else would you stay with him for three years (though I don't get what an affair this is if there is no sex, what were you doing when you were together?) if he wasn't feeding you lies? Would you stay if he was telling you he loved his wife, he was happy in the marriage, you were only just for fun and she would be unhappy if he left her? What he did was what salespeople do: they give the facts THEY want so the customer thinks this purchase is good for them and their wallet and they have nothing to lose. hmmm... yes.... i would not have stayed... it was an EA. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 so now it is immature to expect the man who says he loves me , to marry me? i shall always be the mistress and be silent? is that the mature thing to do....? Yes it's immature and unrealistic. He is already married to someone. You chose to be his mistress but don't know your place. He wasn't holding a gun to your head to make you his mistress. If you can't act like a mistress and be happy with it seek professional help to get over it and move on. He is never going to leave his wife for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 Yes, it is very immature thinking. Also very immature thinking the way you speak about his child. It is very immature to only think of your own feelings. Yes, men get divorced all the time. Yes, fathers divorce the mothers of their children. But he specifically told you he will not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted August 18, 2019 Author Share Posted August 18, 2019 when a woman is the OW people post here asking dont you know your worth? you deserve someone who will marry you not someone who can only be with you part time. and when a woman is tired of being the OW and decides to speak for herself and request the man to marry her people post here saying "you are the OW. know your place" oh well.. .. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted August 18, 2019 Author Share Posted August 18, 2019 Yes, it is very immature thinking. Also very immature thinking the way you speak about his child. It is very immature to only think of your own feelings. Yes, men get divorced all the time. Yes, fathers divorce the mothers of their children. But he specifically told you he will not. i am not thinking only about my own feelings.i know she won't be sad if he leaves. he told me this. and he gave me proof too. he told me he won't later. at 1st he was ready to leave.without me in the picture. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 Yes, OW should know their worth. Meaning... dont be anyone's 2nd fiddle. Go find someone else. Not demand he marry you (because he wont, he has a wife already). Find a man worthy of you... a single man. He showed you what he wants you to see. You believed a proven liar. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 Make an appointment, ok? Psychologist, full psychical with diagnostics. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 when a woman is the OW people post here asking dont you know your worth? you deserve someone who will marry you not someone who can only be with you part time. and when a woman is tired of being the OW and decides to speak for herself and request the man to marry her people post here saying "you are the OW. know your place" oh well.. .. It’s completely unreasonable for an OW, who’s affair partner has clearly told her he is not leaving his marriage, to expect that he will leave his marriage. The comment “know your place” is said because you, as the OW, have absolutely no right to ask for that. He has told you - it’s not going to happen. Also, the comment “know your place” is said in relation to the fact that he has now ended the relationship. You became too demanding, asking him to leave his family. As the OW, you are not supposed to do that. Your job is to make him feel good, not to ask him to leave his family and marry you. The fact is, you became delusional in your thinking and your expectations were unrealistic. You seem to have significant difficulty accepting the reality of the situation. Preferring instead, to live in a rather delusional fairytale land... The reality is, he as was married and he never intended to leave (despite what he may have told you early on). This was no great love story, your role as the other woman was to feed his ego, nothing more and nothing less. You absolutely need to make an appointment with a counsellor. Tomorrow. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 Of course an OW should know her own worth and not hang around waiting for a MM to leave his wife - that is a fool's errand. But if she chooses to stay, then she had better know her place... else she will be history... You chose to stay, to stick around, but you didn't know your place, so he unsurprisingly ended it. He built you up to think you were great, his wife was nothing compared to you, but he overdid it. You then thought he would marry you, but that wasn't his intention, he just wanted you to give him your sole attention... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 I think if the OP has not received the message yet then more piling on will do no good. I suspect that her needs are beyond the scope of LS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 You can't just will yourself to get over somebody over night. It takes time. It also doesn't happen while you're still in contact with the person. You say you've tried everything to get over him, but you've stayed in contact. Only cutting off contact completely will let the feelings subside. It's also very normal in the beginning to feel like you will never get over somebody. But feelings do change with lack of contact and time. Now that he has broken up with you, maybe you will be given that gift of time away from him. If he comes back, I would strongly urge you to speak to a counselor because it seems you have an addiction to him that you are unable to break on your own. If it's not treated, you will continue to cry and suffer for who knows how many more years. Also, "I'm only staying because of the kids," is one of the oldest lines in the cheater's handbooks. Many people have fallen for it, but it is never a good reason to stay with anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 when a woman is the OW people post here asking dont you know your worth? you deserve someone who will marry you not someone who can only be with you part time. and when a woman is tired of being the OW and decides to speak for herself and request the man to marry her people post here saying "you are the OW. know your place" oh well.. .. Obviously people mean know your worth and get your own husband, not someone elses. Taking the high road is the way to self respect. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 i am not thinking only about my own feelings.i know she won't be sad if he leaves. he told me this. and he gave me proof too. he told me he won't later. at 1st he was ready to leave.without me in the picture. Well if it's true that his wife wouldn't be sad if he left then that should tell you how bad he wants to keep her. If he wanted you he could leave with no problem whatsoever yet he begs her to stay. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 i know she won't be sad if he leaves. he told me this. Well, if he said it then it must be true. I mean, why would you have reason to doubt a man who lied to you and lied to his wife for three years... I suspect that her needs are beyond the scope of LS. I agree. I hope you get some good counselling OP, you really need the support. Link to post Share on other sites
gettinoverit Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 I think if the OP has not received the message yet then more piling on will do no good. I suspect that her needs are beyond the scope of LS. I agree. The denial here seems almost pathological. OP - no one expects you to "get over it in 3 days". But everyone is screaming - and you seem to refuse to listen - at you that you NEED TO START MOVING FORWARDS with this over the next few days. It is over. Whether you like it or not. Now, a bunch of complete strangers have been kind enough to give you their time, energy, support and advice. All I see is you throwing it back in their faces because they are not telling you what you want to hear. Get yourself professional help. You desperately need it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettinoverit Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 i am not thinking only about my own feelings.i know she won't be sad if he leaves. he told me this. and he gave me proof too. he told me he won't later. at 1st he was ready to leave.without me in the picture. He lied to you. Period. Lies lies lies. Link to post Share on other sites
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