when he/she says "i can't divorce because of the kids"?

[BaileyB]

and please do not try to make me feel guilty for wanting him to leave her. ...because it is him who told me he wants to marry me and gave me hope....

 

He was very wrong to do that.

 

However, and I’m sorry to say this, you were rather foolish to believe him and to waste three years of your life waiting for him...

[abandoned2018]

It absolutely is immature - you have completely ignored the fact that he is already married and has a wife and child because it’s not convenient for you.

 

The mature thing to do would be to respect the fact that he has a wife and child, accept the fact that he is unavailable to you, and move on with your life.

 

Again, you insistence that he marry you - if he really loves you - is akin to a child’s tantrum.

 

married men do leave their wives for other women... people get divorced everyday, all over the world... so i thought he will too....

[SummerDreams]

How else would you stay with him for three years (though I don't get what an affair this is if there is no sex, what were you doing when you were together?) if he wasn't feeding you lies? Would you stay if he was telling you he loved his wife, he was happy in the marriage, you were only just for fun and she would be unhappy if he left her? What he did was what salespeople do: they give the facts THEY want so the customer thinks this purchase is good for them and their wallet and they have nothing to lose.

[abandoned2018]

He was very wrong to do that.

 

However, and I’m sorry to say this, you were rather foolish to believe him and to waste three years of your life waiting for him...

 

yes. i see that now. the hope was so sweet that i kept waiting.... hoping...

[abandoned2018]

How else would you stay with him for three years (though I don't get what an affair this is if there is no sex, what were you doing when you were together?) if he wasn't feeding you lies? Would you stay if he was telling you he loved his wife, he was happy in the marriage, you were only just for fun and she would be unhappy if he left her? What he did was what salespeople do: they give the facts THEY want so the customer thinks this purchase is good for them and their wallet and they have nothing to lose.

 

hmmm... yes.... i would not have stayed...

 

it was an EA.

[stillafool]

so now it is immature to expect the man who says he loves me , to marry me? i shall always be the mistress and be silent? is that the mature thing to do....?

 

Yes it's immature and unrealistic. He is already married to someone. You chose to be his mistress but don't know your place. He wasn't holding a gun to your head to make you his mistress. If you can't act like a mistress and be happy with it seek professional help to get over it and move on. He is never going to leave his wife for you.

[Starswillshine]

Yes, it is very immature thinking.

 

Also very immature thinking the way you speak about his child.

 

It is very immature to only think of your own feelings.

 

Yes, men get divorced all the time. Yes, fathers divorce the mothers of their children. But he specifically told you he will not.

[abandoned2018]

when a woman is the OW people post here asking dont you know your worth? you deserve someone who will marry you not someone who can only be with you part time.

 

and when a woman is tired of being the OW and decides to speak for herself and request the man to marry her people post here saying "you are the OW. know your place"

 

oh well.. ..

[abandoned2018]

Yes, it is very immature thinking.

 

Also very immature thinking the way you speak about his child.

 

It is very immature to only think of your own feelings.

 

Yes, men get divorced all the time. Yes, fathers divorce the mothers of their children. But he specifically told you he will not.

 

i am not thinking only about my own feelings.i know she won't be sad if he leaves. he told me this. and he gave me proof too.

 

he told me he won't later. at 1st he was ready to leave.without me in the picture.

[Starswillshine]

Yes, OW should know their worth. Meaning... dont be anyone's 2nd fiddle. Go find someone else. Not demand he marry you (because he wont, he has a wife already). Find a man worthy of you... a single man.

 

He showed you what he wants you to see. You believed a proven liar.

[Timshel]

Make an appointment, ok? Psychologist, full psychical with diagnostics.

[BaileyB]

when a woman is the OW people post here asking dont you know your worth? you deserve someone who will marry you not someone who can only be with you part time.

 

and when a woman is tired of being the OW and decides to speak for herself and request the man to marry her people post here saying "you are the OW. know your place"

 

oh well.. ..

 

It’s completely unreasonable for an OW, who’s affair partner has clearly told her he is not leaving his marriage, to expect that he will leave his marriage.

 

The comment “know your place” is said because you, as the OW, have absolutely no right to ask for that. He has told you - it’s not going to happen.

 

Also, the comment “know your place” is said in relation to the fact that he has now ended the relationship. You became too demanding, asking him to leave his family. As the OW, you are not supposed to do that. Your job is to make him feel good, not to ask him to leave his family and marry you.

 

The fact is, you became delusional in your thinking and your expectations were unrealistic. You seem to have significant difficulty accepting the reality of the situation. Preferring instead, to live in a rather delusional fairytale land... The reality is, he as was married and he never intended to leave (despite what he may have told you early on). This was no great love story, your role as the other woman was to feed his ego, nothing more and nothing less.

 

You absolutely need to make an appointment with a counsellor. Tomorrow.

[elaine567]

Of course an OW should know her own worth and not hang around waiting for a MM to leave his wife - that is a fool's errand.

 

But if she chooses to stay, then she had better know her place... else she will be history...

 

You chose to stay, to stick around, but you didn't know your place, so he unsurprisingly ended it.

 

He built you up to think you were great, his wife was nothing compared to you, but he overdid it. You then thought he would marry you, but that wasn't his intention, he just wanted you to give him your sole attention...

[Timshel]

I think if the OP has not received the message yet then more piling on will do no good. I suspect that her needs are beyond the scope of LS.

[devilish innocent]

You can't just will yourself to get over somebody over night. It takes time. It also doesn't happen while you're still in contact with the person. You say you've tried everything to get over him, but you've stayed in contact. Only cutting off contact completely will let the feelings subside. It's also very normal in the beginning to feel like you will never get over somebody. But feelings do change with lack of contact and time. Now that he has broken up with you, maybe you will be given that gift of time away from him. If he comes back, I would strongly urge you to speak to a counselor because it seems you have an addiction to him that you are unable to break on your own. If it's not treated, you will continue to cry and suffer for who knows how many more years.

 

Also, "I'm only staying because of the kids," is one of the oldest lines in the cheater's handbooks. Many people have fallen for it, but it is never a good reason to stay with anyone.

[stillafool]

when a woman is the OW people post here asking dont you know your worth? you deserve someone who will marry you not someone who can only be with you part time.

 

and when a woman is tired of being the OW and decides to speak for herself and request the man to marry her people post here saying "you are the OW. know your place"

 

oh well.. ..

 

Obviously people mean know your worth and get your own husband, not someone elses. Taking the high road is the way to self respect.

[stillafool]

i am not thinking only about my own feelings.i know she won't be sad if he leaves. he told me this. and he gave me proof too.

 

he told me he won't later. at 1st he was ready to leave.without me in the picture.

 

Well if it's true that his wife wouldn't be sad if he left then that should tell you how bad he wants to keep her. If he wanted you he could leave with no problem whatsoever yet he begs her to stay.

[BaileyB]

i know she won't be sad if he leaves. he told me this.

 

Well, if he said it then it must be true.

 

I mean, why would you have reason to doubt a man who lied to you and lied to his wife for three years...

 

I suspect that her needs are beyond the scope of LS.

 

I agree. I hope you get some good counselling OP, you really need the support.

[gettinoverit]

I think if the OP has not received the message yet then more piling on will do no good. I suspect that her needs are beyond the scope of LS.

 

I agree. The denial here seems almost pathological.

 

OP - no one expects you to "get over it in 3 days". But everyone is screaming - and you seem to refuse to listen - at you that you NEED TO START MOVING FORWARDS with this over the next few days. It is over. Whether you like it or not.

 

Now, a bunch of complete strangers have been kind enough to give you their time, energy, support and advice. All I see is you throwing it back in their faces because they are not telling you what you want to hear.

 

Get yourself professional help. You desperately need it.

[gettinoverit]

i am not thinking only about my own feelings.i know she won't be sad if he leaves. he told me this. and he gave me proof too.

 

he told me he won't later. at 1st he was ready to leave.without me in the picture.

 

He lied to you. Period. Lies lies lies.

[Babs22]

I’m an MOW who has an affair with a MM for 6.5 years. Initially I thought we’d both leave our spouses and ride off into the sunset together. Lol. Well, that never happened. He doesn’t even have kids. But he never plans on leaving his wife, and at least he was honest about this. I was ready to leave my husband but figured why upset every one in my life including my kids?

He will not leave her. It is time to move on. Get on a dating site. Date some single people. What do you have to lose? He’s used you long enough. You deserve a life too. A life with your own kids. Do not disturb this family to meet your needs. I promise you your guy, a single guy is still out there. Good luck.

[anika99]

so now it is immature to expect the man who says he loves me , to marry me? i shall always be the mistress and be silent? is that the mature thing to do....?

 

Why do you keep posting as if your only options are to marry the MM or be his mistress forever? The most obvious and best option is to leave him in the dust and go get a man who really does love you and want to marry you.

 

Yes some MM do leave their wives for the OW but having an affair with the intent of winding up married to the cheater is a big crap shoot. It's like going to Vegas to win big at playing a slot machine. Hey it happens! Some people have won 20, 30, or 50 thousand dollars on those things. Some have won even more, but most people leave with less than they had when they arrived.

 

Actually your MM was a lot like a slot machine. He gave you little payoffs along the way to keep you playing. When there were no payoffs you remained hooked and desperately kept putting your quarters in the machine as you were so sure if you kept playing and investing you were going to get that big prize. Everytime you were about to give up hope and walk away for good the machine would suddenly spit out 10 or 20 bucks at you and eventhough those little rewards were far less than what you had already spent they were enough to renew your faith in your plan to get rich off that machine.

 

At some point you noticed a sign on the machine that you didn't see before. It said "this slot machine has no jackpot, small winnings only" but you refused to believe it. You won a whole 50 bucks just last night so it's getting better, it's about to payout big, you can feel it so there's no way to give up now. So you stayed and kept on playing quarters and becoming more broke by the day.

 

Meanwhile the friends that came to Vegas with you left a long time ago. They tried their luck at their own slot machines too but they didn't want to spend more than they could afford to lose so rather than desperately clinging to a fantasy of getting rich by playing the slots they went home and lived their lives. Some got married, some had babies, some got great jobs. All things you could do too if you had just accepted that you weren't going to win big at your slot machine. You let the world pass you by rather than accept the fact that you were playing a loser's game. Sometimes your old friends mention you in passing. They say "hey whatever to abandoned? It's been ages since I've seen or heard from her" and another person says "I heard that she's still sitting at that slot machine that we left her at years ago. She's lost everything she has to that machine but she still won't stop playing. Isn't that sad?"

 

And to take this ridiculous analogy even further, where you are at now is that your favorite slot machine (your exMM) is broken. It's been unplugged from the wall, it's dead and the casino is planning to have it removed from the premises but they need you to let go off it first. You are refusing to accept that the machine is not and never was going to make your dreams come true. The casino staff (that would be us posters, lol ) are begging you to face reality. You are insisting that the machine OWES YOU and wailing about how unfair it all is. We are saying " look lady, everyone knows that most people don't get rich at the slots, we even told you a long time ago that this machine had no jackpot. It's nobody's fault but your own that you chose to keep playing it year after year. Now please accept the facts and go home"

 

Abandoned, you have to accept that you willingly took a gamble and you lost. Most affairs don't turn into happily ever after marriages and everyone knows that. We tell our kids that the way to financial success is to get an education, study hard, work hard, stay focused and meet their goals. Nobody tells their kids that they should drop out of school and go to Vegas to get rich. Just like nobody tells their children having an illicit secret deceitful affair with a married father is the way to get a husband.. Some people do get husbands that way, some people get rich in Vegas but the majority don't. Most walk away with less than they had to start with. Accept it.

[basil67]

so now it is immature to expect the man who says he loves me , to marry me? i shall always be the mistress and be silent? is that the mature thing to do....?

 

Well yes. The role of the mistress is to be discreet in the background, accept what she's given and not make waves. You can't change your end of the deal and expect a positive outcome.

[basil67]

i am not thinking only about my own feelings.i know she won't be sad if he leaves. he told me this. and he gave me proof too.

 

You keep forgetting the rest of his family. Do you not understand the bonds of fatherhood?

[abandoned2018]

Why do you keep posting as if your only options are to marry the MM or be his mistress forever? The most obvious and best option is to leave him in the dust and go get a man who really does love you and want to marry you.

.

 

thank you.

 

 

yes , i have already accepted that it's not to be. i love him but it's only giving me pain. so i am crying and trying to forget. i am coming here to vent...