when he/she says "i can't divorce because of the kids"?

[Babs22]

I’m an MOW who has an affair with a MM for 6.5 years. Initially I thought we’d both leave our spouses and ride off into the sunset together. Lol. Well, that never happened. He doesn’t even have kids. But he never plans on leaving his wife, and at least he was honest about this. I was ready to leave my husband but figured why upset every one in my life including my kids?

He will not leave her. It is time to move on. Get on a dating site. Date some single people. What do you have to lose? He’s used you long enough. You deserve a life too. A life with your own kids. Do not disturb this family to meet your needs. I promise you your guy, a single guy is still out there. Good luck.

[anika99]

so now it is immature to expect the man who says he loves me , to marry me? i shall always be the mistress and be silent? is that the mature thing to do....?

 

Why do you keep posting as if your only options are to marry the MM or be his mistress forever? The most obvious and best option is to leave him in the dust and go get a man who really does love you and want to marry you.

 

Yes some MM do leave their wives for the OW but having an affair with the intent of winding up married to the cheater is a big crap shoot. It's like going to Vegas to win big at playing a slot machine. Hey it happens! Some people have won 20, 30, or 50 thousand dollars on those things. Some have won even more, but most people leave with less than they had when they arrived.

 

Actually your MM was a lot like a slot machine. He gave you little payoffs along the way to keep you playing. When there were no payoffs you remained hooked and desperately kept putting your quarters in the machine as you were so sure if you kept playing and investing you were going to get that big prize. Everytime you were about to give up hope and walk away for good the machine would suddenly spit out 10 or 20 bucks at you and eventhough those little rewards were far less than what you had already spent they were enough to renew your faith in your plan to get rich off that machine.

 

At some point you noticed a sign on the machine that you didn't see before. It said "this slot machine has no jackpot, small winnings only" but you refused to believe it. You won a whole 50 bucks just last night so it's getting better, it's about to payout big, you can feel it so there's no way to give up now. So you stayed and kept on playing quarters and becoming more broke by the day.

 

Meanwhile the friends that came to Vegas with you left a long time ago. They tried their luck at their own slot machines too but they didn't want to spend more than they could afford to lose so rather than desperately clinging to a fantasy of getting rich by playing the slots they went home and lived their lives. Some got married, some had babies, some got great jobs. All things you could do too if you had just accepted that you weren't going to win big at your slot machine. You let the world pass you by rather than accept the fact that you were playing a loser's game. Sometimes your old friends mention you in passing. They say "hey whatever to abandoned? It's been ages since I've seen or heard from her" and another person says "I heard that she's still sitting at that slot machine that we left her at years ago. She's lost everything she has to that machine but she still won't stop playing. Isn't that sad?"

 

And to take this ridiculous analogy even further, where you are at now is that your favorite slot machine (your exMM) is broken. It's been unplugged from the wall, it's dead and the casino is planning to have it removed from the premises but they need you to let go off it first. You are refusing to accept that the machine is not and never was going to make your dreams come true. The casino staff (that would be us posters, lol ) are begging you to face reality. You are insisting that the machine OWES YOU and wailing about how unfair it all is. We are saying " look lady, everyone knows that most people don't get rich at the slots, we even told you a long time ago that this machine had no jackpot. It's nobody's fault but your own that you chose to keep playing it year after year. Now please accept the facts and go home"

 

Abandoned, you have to accept that you willingly took a gamble and you lost. Most affairs don't turn into happily ever after marriages and everyone knows that. We tell our kids that the way to financial success is to get an education, study hard, work hard, stay focused and meet their goals. Nobody tells their kids that they should drop out of school and go to Vegas to get rich. Just like nobody tells their children having an illicit secret deceitful affair with a married father is the way to get a husband.. Some people do get husbands that way, some people get rich in Vegas but the majority don't. Most walk away with less than they had to start with. Accept it.

[basil67]

so now it is immature to expect the man who says he loves me , to marry me? i shall always be the mistress and be silent? is that the mature thing to do....?

 

Well yes. The role of the mistress is to be discreet in the background, accept what she's given and not make waves. You can't change your end of the deal and expect a positive outcome.

[basil67]

i am not thinking only about my own feelings.i know she won't be sad if he leaves. he told me this. and he gave me proof too.

 

You keep forgetting the rest of his family. Do you not understand the bonds of fatherhood?

[abandoned2018]

Why do you keep posting as if your only options are to marry the MM or be his mistress forever? The most obvious and best option is to leave him in the dust and go get a man who really does love you and want to marry you.

.

 

thank you.

 

 

yes , i have already accepted that it's not to be. i love him but it's only giving me pain. so i am crying and trying to forget. i am coming here to vent...

[abandoned2018]

I’m an MOW who has an affair with a MM for 6.5 years. Initially I thought we’d both leave our spouses and ride off into the sunset together. Lol. Well, that never happened. He doesn’t even have kids. But he never plans on leaving his wife, and at least he was honest about this. I was ready to leave my husband but figured why upset every one in my life including my kids?

He will not leave her. It is time to move on. Get on a dating site. Date some single people. What do you have to lose? He’s used you long enough. You deserve a life too. A life with your own kids. Do not disturb this family to meet your needs. I promise you your guy, a single guy is still out there. Good luck.

 

 

yes.. i am trying to move on. thank you for telling me about your experience..

[Timshel]

Straight line.

[abandoned2018]

just a quick post to say that i am doing okay.... but i still hurt everyday..

[Starswillshine]

just a quick post to say that i am doing okay.... but i still hurt everyday..

 

I'm so sorry you are still hurting. You will get there. It just takes some time.

[anika99]

Sorry but I can't remember if you ended this affair or not.

 

If you ended it then it's not surprising that you still hurt as it's still early in the recovery. Don't despair, it will slowly get better and the pain will fade. Rejoice in knowing that in the near future this will all be behind you and you will go on to find happiness and fulfillment without this cheating MM dragging you down and stealing the joy from your life.

 

If you are still having the affair, well you are only prolonging your pain. It's not going to get better. The pain of ending sucks but it gets better. Kind of like keeping an abscessed tooth vs getting it removed. Getting a tooth extracted is no fun. It's scary, there are needles involved and it leaves your mouth sore and bruised, but once it's done the healing begins and in a little time there is total recovery. Keeping an abscessed tooth can seem less scary but it's just an ongoing source of pain and illness that will never get better, it only gets worse.

[BaileyB]

You have been extraordinarily invested in this relationship for a very long time. It’s not unexpected that you will still be very sad. It will get better.

 

What are you doing to pass the time and take care of yourself?

[stillafool]

i am not thinking only about my own feelings.i know she won't be sad if he leaves. he told me this. and he gave me proof too.

 

.

 

Well if this is really the case then he loves her too much to go. Maybe that is the only reason he's having an affair with you is because he can't get the love he needs from the woman he wants. I remember when my brother was having affairs and when his wife finally divorced him he told me that all the things he did with OW he always wished it was with sister-in-law. Go figure.

[Confused48]

I have not read your entire thread but enough to see the tons of people advising you that an MM saying he will not leave, bc of his children, is just another excuse. I won't argue either side of that.

 

I will say that as BS, the victim of infidelity, I am often upbraided for saying that I am, in part, still with my WS bc of the children.

 

I hate to think of my children being raised by whatever next partner my WS, with proven bad judgement, will choose. I also do not want to lose my children 50% of the time. I also know that, other than the bad judgment with respect to fidelity and the lack of care of our children's best interest that shows, in most other respects my WS is a good parent.

 

I appreciate that my WS is committed to repairing the damage caused to our children by the affair and to continue to be my partner parent, 100% of the time. Rather than running off with the old AP or the next AP opportunity that comes along.

[Starswillshine]

I have not read your entire thread but enough to see the tons of people advising you that an MM saying he will not leave, bc of his children, is just another excuse. I won't argue either side of that.

 

I will say that as BS, the victim of infidelity, I am often upbraided for saying that I am, in part, still with my WS bc of the children.

 

I hate to think of my children being raised by whatever next partner my WS, with proven bad judgement, will choose. I also do not want to lose my children 50% of the time. I also know that, other than the bad judgment with respect to fidelity and the lack of care of our children's best interest that shows, in most other respects my WS is a good parent. .

 

The difference here is that you are trying to save your marriage and your WS is putting in the effort to save it.

 

OP's MM is making an excuse as to why he will not leave. If it is because of the kids, he would stop doing what would get in the way of being with his children..

 

I understand what you are saying. I tried because of my kids. Ultimately, our marriage was not salvageable, but without my kids, I would not have even attempted to save it after such disrespect to me AND to our children. Those kids lives completely have been turned upside down.