when he/she says "i can't divorce because of the kids"?

[d0nnivain]

... what about me? what about my pain? when will he understand that?

 

how can he just be okay knowing that i am suffering? where is the so called "love" he has for me.....

 

He loves his kids & himself more. You come in a distance 4th, after his wife. He doesn't love you. He doesn't respect you. He doesn't care.

 

By asking these painful Qs you are waking up to the ugly reality that by his actions he is repeatedly showing you that you can't trust his words. Get good & angry because you need the fire to break free once & for all. He's using you. He's humiliating you. He does not care about you. He just wants to F*** you because you stroke his ego. This is all about him.

[elaine567]

...sometimes i hate myself for begging him to marry me...

 

You are begging a married man to marry you...

[stillafool]

 

i know this guy loves me.... so how can he just stay like this knowing i am sad ? why isn't he taking steps to be with me..... i wish there was some magical solution for this. but i know there isn't and i am suffering alone while he is spending time with her......

 

What has he done to show you he's in love with you? Why do you think he loves you?

[heartwhole2]

You can't force another person to want to be with you. If you want to be married, then your option is to date men for whom marriage is on the table. He's telling you that it isn't; in fact, it's currently impossible because he's married to someone else. You cannot turn him into someone for whom it is on the table, and truly, why would you want someone you had to convince to be with you?

 

When my husband had his affair, our kids were very young. I read an email that he sent the OW in early days telling her that he would never ever leave because his brother was divorced and he'd seen what it had done to him. My husband is super attached to the children and wants to be with them all the time. So yes, it is possible that a father really doesn't want to have less time with his children. I know I wouldn't. He was basically saying, look, we can have fun and dream about what life would be like together but you have to know what you're signing up for here. So nice of him, huh?

 

Certainly two healthy people who are no longer compatible can divorce and have a strong co-parenting relationship. The fact that he's having an affair rather than sorting out his marriage and either making it stronger or divorcing and building a strong post-divorce family shows you that he's not a healthy person. Are the two of you going to build something healthy and strong in the aftermath of a divorce while he's dealing with major upheaval in his life and everyone hates him? You are driven by a primal urge to secure a mate, but "landing him" is not going to improve his communication skills, make him less selfish, or improve your self-esteem. Same problems, different circumstances. And because those circumstances are stressful, they will exacerbate the problems you already have.

 

On DDay I had everything to lose. I am a SAHM and I can't work due to health issues. But no way in hell was I going to convince some dope who didn't want me that he should change his mind. No way. I love myself too much for that. If he doesn't see how wonderful I am, then it's his loss. I had never read a thing about affairs, but I knew I would never consent for one day of my life to be in a stupid love triangle. So I exited the triangle. Meanwhile OW was posting "Never give up on something you really want!" Whose philosophy was the healthy one here? Hers certainly didn't end with her getting what she thought she wanted.

 

You've spent a year making the same kind of posts, asking how you can make another human being do what you want. You cannot. You can only have boundaries and expectations. Your work is to build up your self-esteem so that when someone doesn't treat you as you deserve, you take your fabulous self and stride away. Build up your coping skills so that when you feel stressed, you react in healthy ways.

[mark clemson]

What a heartwarming story... this woman’s husband cheated on her, divorced her to be with the other woman, her children left her home and she is left paying support to he man who cheated...

 

I would hope there is more to the story, but if this is what happened all I can say is - that poor woman. That would destroy me.

 

It certainly takes a "special" kind of person to not feel shame about that.

 

Guys, I think it important to remember that not all BS are wonderful loving people who were callously betrayed. Many ARE and we see that a lot and it's awful. But in a world of billions of people there are going to be corner cases as well. Maybe this BS was a true NPD or abusive or horrible in other ways. I think it's telling if children decide to leave their mother (unless THEY were the horrible brats??)

 

 

They relish in it. All I can say is karma is real.

 

If karma was truly real it would imply that this BS (and, actually, ALL BSs) deserve what happened to them. Don't see that as a viable position unless you truly believe in past lives as well.

 

Leona Helmsley famously left millions that could have gone to helping people to her cat. Wonder what that cat did in a past life to earn millions that it didn't even know or care it received?

 

That said, I suppose it's not wrong to hope for poetic justice to occur to those who truly deserve it. And that does happen sometimes.

[BaileyB]

some of you read my other threads and saw that he told me he doesn't love me and loves her... he has said sorry about that, has said he loves me and not her... and has said he wants to leave her.

 

Words are cheap. He knows what he needs to say to keep you happy, to keep you on board. His actions tell you where his priorities lay, with his family.

 

 

i know whatever i say the decision to leave shall come from him.... is there anything i can tell him so that he will see he can leave and still maintain a good parent-child relationship with his child?

 

Sure, people who want to divorce so it everyday and they maintain a good partner-child relationship. But, they want to divorce and your guy doesn’t. And, they don’t have the complication of an affair partner to damage their relationship with their ex spouse/child.

 

Besides - why would you want this man - who is capable to engaging in an affair with another woman and stringing her along for years when it is clearly not in her best interest. He has shown ZERO regard for your emotional health and well-being. And if he truly loved you, he would not want to keep you from finding what you really want - a partner who is able to love you and build a life and a family with you. True love is selfless. This guy is being selfish, holding you back from pursuing what is in your own best interest while selfishly pursuing his own...

 

Seriously, love yourself enough to let this go.

Edited May 20, 2019 by BaileyB

[LIRR88]

Nothing is truer than this. I am living proof. Mine went so far as to tell the wife and kids he wanted to leave. Then he didn't for a whole host of reasons. We broke up for a month end of February. He came back in tears because he realized in that time he didn't want to be without me. He again had the outline of a plan to leave. 2 weeks ago we broke up because he was waffling again. Does he love me? Quite possibly in his own selfish way. Will he leave? Not a chance. Read my thread, if you haven't for all the gory details. If they love you *enough* they may leave. If they make excuses you're just banging your head against a brick wall and it will hurt like the dickens.

 

Oh yes, today is his 29th anniversary. A few weeks ago he vowed it would be his last with her. Funny joke ...

 

Oh man, today is my MM’s 7th year anniversary, fun times... NOT. OP believe him when he tells you he can’t leave the kid, he won’t. That’s what my MM told me when we broke up, although he’s miserable his wife is a spiteful person who if she were to discover his infidelity will take him to the cleaners and make sure he gets as little time possible with their daughter. He might love you, but never forget that his love for his child outweighs everything else. Believe me, when people are that unhappy they leave. There are plenty of divorced men with kids, he’s just giving you an excuse. Put yourself first and move on with your life.

[pepperbird]

 

 

so... what about me? what about my pain? when will he understand that?

 

 

 

Madam,

the truth is your mm simply doesn't care about anyone else's feelings. His own are too important.

[Dandelioness]

What he probably means is "I don't want people to find out I'm the kind of person who would leave his wife for another woman and I also don't want to disrupt my life financially. At least not for you."

 

"At least, not for you."

 

Three years is a long time to be in an affair with someone. If he hasn't left his wife for "you" yet, chances are, you are just his escape when he's in need of a boost of some kind.

 

Are you dating anyone else in the mean time?

[jkf1523]

For the last 3 years,I am having an affair with a married man. it's on and off... he'll leave , be back...we all know the usual chain of events... no matter how i tried i could not stop loving him... now, he says he does want to marry me, but he can't because he wants to be with his child and watch the child grow....

 

What do i say to this? have you gone through this? how did you finally convince him/her to leave? He can divorce her but still spend quality time with his child right...? it's not like he has to be with the child 24/7 .... loads of people divorce and still raise kids... he says he is not like the others...

 

I have gone through depression because of this affair... i really want to marry him and have a life together... i know the final decision is in his hands.... but please, is there anything i can say which will make him change his mind...? thank you....

When you said on and off, how long is the off before he come back? Did he said he end it and come back? Maybe the next time you guys off... try your best to move on? I understand life is short and we should just be happy. But I feel sad that this affair has cause you stress.

 

I think if you cant move on, then you will need to accept the fact that he cannot leave his children but he still want to be with you. Maybe that's little selfish, but I believe, he probably doesnt like to handle big chance in divorcing, so he hope he can keep status quo but that does not mean he no longer love you. So the choice is yours, if you cannot accept that, walk away. If you want him, then probably you need to accept it and also the on and off.

 

It's hard to tell you what to do coz only you are involve with him so you should be able to feel the love. It's tough...I am also in some kind of situation that I could not move on.

[FoundMyStrength]

For the last 3 years,I am having an affair with a married man. it's on and off... he'll leave , be back...we all know the usual chain of events... no matter how i tried i could not stop loving him... now, he says he does want to marry me, but he can't because he wants to be with his child and watch the child grow....

 

What do i say to this?.

 

 

I don't know, after my experience as an OW, I think the lingering lesson was that you have to listen to their actions, not their words.

 

 

He can say the words "I want to marry you, but I can't" until the cows come home. His actions are saying "I don't love you enough to give up this other part of my life, so I won't." It sounds like he is prioritizing being a dad. I wish my dad had prioritized being a dad. As much as you're hurting, his actions are telling you he's made his choice. You should make yours. Do you want to be in pain for another 3 years? Or do you want a chance at a normal life with a man who actually can marry you. You won't get that if you're still pining over a married man who has told you there's no future.

[Amethyst68]

For once he's telling you the truth, his kids do come first and they always should! I don't know if you have kids of your own but people would be screaming here if you were picking a man over your kids but somehow they seem to think it's perfectly acceptable to ask a man to do it. Hypocrisy at it's finest, and no, custody is not 50/50 everywhere, in someplaces it's still every other weekend for fathers.

[LIRR88]

For once he's telling you the truth, his kids do come first and they always should! I don't know if you have kids of your own but people would be screaming here if you were picking a man over your kids but somehow they seem to think it's perfectly acceptable to ask a man to do it. Hypocrisy at it's finest, and no, custody is not 50/50 everywhere, in someplaces it's still every other weekend for fathers.

 

THIS. Everyone is different, some guys can handle the distance but most can’t. When you go from seeing your kid everyday and being able to tuck them in at night to every other weekend, it’s a completely different ballgame. My MM told me straight up he’d be miserable if he only got to see his daughter twice a week. I’m a mom, I can’t imagine only seeing my kids twice a week so I do understand. It doesn’t make it any less painful, but at least he’s being honest with you OP.

[pepperbird]

I don't believe for one minute this is really about his kids.

 

It's about making life cushy for him. After all, what kind of a heel would an ow be if she didn't kowtow to the "I can't leave for my kids" line?

 

If he REALLY cared about his kids, he would never, ever risk upsetting their home. If he wasn't happy being married to their mom, he would end it in a way that caused his kids the least possible upheaval...but what does he do? Have an affair that could well result in his marriage imploding in a very painful way for his children. With a parent like that, who needs enemies?

 

He's putting his kids first? Sure...and I have a lovely piece of swampland in Florida I can sell you.

[somanymistakes]

If he REALLY cared about his kids, he would never, ever risk upsetting their home. If he wasn't happy being married to their mom, he would end it in a way that caused his kids the least possible upheaval...but what does he do? Have an affair that could well result in his marriage imploding in a very painful way for his children. With a parent like that, who needs enemies?

 

Playing this sort of "well if he really cared he would definitely do X" game doesn't work out well, as it tends to be more about starting from the assumption that he's bad and then making up justifications for it, than it is about truths or what real people do.

 

Lots of men having affairs care about their kids. They've just worked out their own personal calculations of what they think maximises their personal benefit while maintaining at least a chance that the kids will be okay.

 

It's all juggling. "Well, if I have an affair, I'll be happier, and the kids will be fine as long as I don't get caught, and I probably won't get caught. If I get a divorce, the kids will definitely be less happy, and I'll lose a lot of money and lose access to my kids. If I stay married and don't have an affair, the kids will probably be fine as long as the fighting doesn't get too bad, but I'll be miserable." So on that sort of balance, as long as you have no morals and you don't care about the OW's feelings, the affair sounds like the best bet!

 

Having an affair shows that he cares about himself more than he cares about doing the right thing. Maintaining the marriage 'for the kids' shows that he cares about the kids (and himself) more than he cares about the OW.

[BaileyB]

Men who truly care about their relationship with their children and want to keep full custody of their children (by way of staying in the marriage) don’t engage in risky behaviour that could actually destroy the thing they “say” they want most...

 

And yet, they do it everyday because they are arrogant and entitled enough to think they will never be caught.

[amaysngrace]

He’s a liar. Isn’t every cheater?

 

Don’t believe anything he says.

 

But if you still think he’s being honest about staying for his child and he’d marry you if not for the kid then get pregnant since being with his kid’s mom for the kid’s sake means oh so much to him.

[BaileyB]

Do NOT get pregnant. Those are the saddest stories on this board... Do not think that he will not leave his wife if he gets you pregnant. Best case scenario, you will raise your child as a single mother with/without his financial support. Or, he will expect shared custody and want your child to spend time in his home, with his wife and children. Worst case scenario, he will walk away and disown his child... or worse still, your child will be ostracized by his wife and children. Those stories are absolutely heartbreaking when you read them...

[abandoned2018]

i want to ask him "if you do love me, you would want me to be happy, you know I'm in pain because we can't marry, so why don't you leave her and marry me if you love me and don't want to hurt me?" but he is not even letting me talk about marriage saying "please don't pressure me"

 

i wish i could say "oh f*** it, if you don't want to marry me, you don't love me.you don't care if i am suffering, so i am gone"

 

but i can't... i have tried many times to just say that and stop. but i can't ... i just circle back to him every time...

 

i can't stop dreaming that if i hold on long enough, one day he will say "i can't see you suffering, i know you want to marry me and that will make you happy, i want to leave her and marry you"

 

on the other hand, i keep saying to myself --- hey, he knows you love him and that you want to marry him, he knows you are sad because you are not with him... and he is okay with it, he doesn't care about your feelings so let go.

 

i hope one day the courage to leave will become larger than my love for him... i know i am a mess and i keep saying the same things. but when it gets unbearable typing a message like this and expressing the pain keeps me sane...

 

i just want to thank every one of you for the support..

Edited June 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed spacing

[BaileyB]

I hope one day you find the strength and the courage to walk away too. It breaks my heart that you don’t think that you have this now - that you give your power over to this man.

 

Like Dorothy said in the Wizard of Oz - “Everything you thought you needed was with you all along. You have always had the power, my dear. You just had to learn how to use it...”

 

What you are doing right now is a waste of a life. And, that is very sad.

Edited May 25, 2019 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

abandoned2018 wrote;

"...i can't stop dreaming that if i hold on long enough, one day he will say "i can't see you suffering, i know you want to marry me and that will make you happy, i want to leave her and marry you"

 

That is nonsense, if he left her tomorrow, the last thing he may want to do is get married again and why would he want to marry the kind of a woman who was quite content seeing him behind his wife's back...

It is hypocritical yes, but it can be how some men think.

 

As for you "suffering" somehow gaining you brownie points, it doesn't.

Most want to be in actual relationships with people who are happy and fun and make them feel good and add to their lives.

A woman constantly "suffering" and unhappy, begging for attention and trying to guilt trip him into leaving his wife, will be last on the list for a potential partner.

You can't make people love you and want to be with you, they do their own thing and he is staying with his wife and child.

Accept it. Put up and shut up or get out.

Hoping and dreaming has got you nowhere.

Positive action. Sort your own life out.

Hankering after married men is a loser's game.

[Naivewomen]

Hi OW, please understand that there is absolutely nothing that you can do to make this MM want to marry you. Do you not feel worthy enough to let him see your value, why do u feel the need to force his upper hand by wanting or even demanding him to walk away from his family?? Believe me, I am not judging you, I was the OW too. These were all questions I had to ask myself. By him abandoning his family for you, he would eventually resent you! He will look at you with disdain when he sees his family suffering. We have no rights here, they belong elsewhere and we are to blame. Only you can get yourself out of this mess. You have the power to walk away, please dont waste anymore years on him. I waited until I was the weakest before I ended it. It was the worst feeling and most debilitating experience of my life. Sorry but no man is worth that pain. You can do this!!

[FMW]

Abandoned, his "can't" is just like all of your can'ts. They are won'ts.

 

He COULD, but he WON'T leave his marriage.

 

You CAN let him go and start working on getting over him, but right now you WON'T.

 

I was there, also for a three year + period of involvement. Yes, it's hard to let it go and move on. But you CAN, if you push through it and stop surrendering to the hopeless feeling. I've been at it for about 10 months now, it's not a quick process, but it CAN be done. Right now you're just still stuck on the WON'T.

[pepperbird]

op,

when you get right down to the brass tacks of the situation, you are too good for him. His wife is too good for him. He's got two women who he is hurting, and he doesn't seem to care one bit.

[abandoned2018]

he says he feels my pain of not having a relationship like other girls... a "normal" relationship where the couple can talk hug kiss and do whatever they like when they like...... but, if he feels it, why is he doing nothing to change the situation?

 

 

 

he can have a good relationship with his kid after divorce right...? how do i convince him about it...?