heartwhole2 Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 i did not get in to this situation willingly... i fell in love and i would love a life with him... We aren't just passive bystanders to whom falling in love "happens." If you have proper boundaries, then the stone will never start rolling down the hill. I met my husband in college, so my only ex is my high school sweetheart. He got in touch with me last summer about a situation we were involved with as teenagers, but he quickly turned it very personal. He said things like, "I don't think there are many people who understand each other like you and I do" and "there are plenty of rabbit holes I could fall down when I think about you." I could have said it was harmless. I could have said, well, I won't cross the line (whatever that is) so it's OK. I didn't. I'm a grown woman, and just because a person to whom I am attracted and feel affection for starts blurring lines with me doesn't mean I am going to sneeze and accidentally fall in love with him. I sat next to my husband while we were messaging. I told him the questionable things ex-BF said. (Because of his guilt over actually cheating on me, my husband was like, "Hmmm, I don't know, it's probably harmless" and I was like, well I'm not an idiot, anyone could cheat if they don't have proper boundaries.) I ended the chat quickly. You don't "just" fall in love. You know the difference between treating someone like a colleague or a friend and a potential lover. If you wouldn't say it to your girlfriend, and you're saying it to some guy you're "just friends" with, there's your answer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 As others have said, I am absolutely astonished to think that you would EVER think that he would put your feelings ahead of his child. Or his wife - the woman with whom he has chosen to build a life with and the mother of his child - for that matter. How exactly is it astonishing to think that a married man would put his feelings, or someone else's feelings, ahead of the feelings of his wife... who he's already cheated on? Most of the time you'd be busy chanting that the married man is CLEARLY a heartless monster who DID put his feelings ahead of his child or he wouldn't be risking ruining that child's life by cheating. But now somehow it's unconscionable, astonishing, unimaginable that she might ever think he would put feelings ahead of his child. Why wouldn't he? He's done it before. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 You don't "just" fall in love. You know the difference between treating someone like a colleague or a friend and a potential lover. If you wouldn't say it to your girlfriend, and you're saying it to some guy you're "just friends" with, there's your answer. On the one hand, I think people do tend to get some warning signals of "oo, this is moving into dangerous waters" which they tend to either choose to pull back or choose to decide "I'm sure it's okay" and keep going. (Though not everyone picks up on these things as quickly as others do. Sometimes people honestly don't realise their feelings for someone until something shocking happens.) On the other hand, you say "if you wouldn't say it to your girlfriend" - quite a lot of these affairs start precisely BECAUSE a heterosexual woman is saying to a guy the same kind of secrets she would say to her girlfriends. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Most of the time you'd be busy chanting that the married man is CLEARLY a heartless monster who DID put his feelings ahead of his child or he wouldn't be risking ruining that child's life by cheating. But now somehow it's unconscionable, astonishing, unimaginable that she might ever think he would put feelings ahead of his child. Why wouldn't he? He's done it before. Exactly. That’s the problem, he’s done it before... his priorities have been out of line for a long time... which is what fosters this self-important belief that his needs and the OW needs are somehow more important than those of his child and his wife. Misguided, to say the least... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 i did not get in to this situation willingly... i fell in love and i would love a life with him... You most certainly did go willingly into this situation. No one was holding a gun to your head making you have a sleazy affair with a MM. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fekenaws Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Why do you want to be in a committed relationship with someone who openly doesn't commit to relationships? Cheaters arent husband/wife material. He liked the sex, move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 How exactly is it astonishing to think that a married man would put his feelings, or someone else's feelings, ahead of the feelings of his wife... who he's already cheated on? . The “astonishing” part is not that he has done it, but that she thinks this is appropriate and normal... that she sees nothing wrong with suggesting that her needs should come before those of his child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 On the one hand, I think people do tend to get some warning signals of "oo, this is moving into dangerous waters" which they tend to either choose to pull back or choose to decide "I'm sure it's okay" and keep going. (Though not everyone picks up on these things as quickly as others do. Sometimes people honestly don't realise their feelings for someone until something shocking happens.) On the other hand, you say "if you wouldn't say it to your girlfriend" - quite a lot of these affairs start precisely BECAUSE a heterosexual woman is saying to a guy the same kind of secrets she would say to her girlfriends. Yes, true. You share a lot of things with your girlfriends that you shouldn't share with possible sexual partners. I was thinking of my ex-BF's comments like, "I could go down a lot of rabbit holes thinking about you." That's not something I would ever say to a normal friend, even if on its surface it's not really saying much. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 I believe some OWs get so deep into the "relationship", the "love story" that his wife and kids cease to exist. The future envisioned is that of the MM and the OW, alone against the world. It doesn't contain stray kids or an ex wife, they are somehow erased and the future going forward is the "new life". They spent so long denying the existence of his other life, that they forget that even if he left tomorrow, there would always be the baggage of an angry ex and potentially stroppy unhappy kids... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 i did not get in to this situation willingly... i fell in love and i would love a life with him... How is it you’re making yourself an innocent party? Not willingly? What does that look like? The ONLY way you could explain that would be that he raped you. And it’s hard to believe you would love that. You are a willing participant. Own how you participated. You (anyone) CAN control themself when the make effort! Why would you love a life with a KNOWN cheater and liar? I’d like to know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 The irony of someone trying to excuse their behavior by saying" it just happened" is that this attitude, which is meant to protect them, will do them more harm than good. Saying "it just happened" means one has no control over it. What you can't control, you can't change. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 it is easy to say to leave... i tried it several times... but i always end up missing him and going back to him.... That’s because you haven’t learned the lesson that you need to learn yet... This is not about him. It’s all about you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TheRainbow Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 He isn't divorcing his wife because he doesn't want too. Simple as that. He is giving you enough hope, excuses, lies or whatever in order to keep you around. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 If he’s not leaving his wife - does that mean you plan to stay indefinitely? What’s your limit? Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 i have typed the following on a A4 paper and i read it everyday. despite that i continue wanting whatever scrapes he gives me.sometimes i feel like i have gone mad.... 1) If he wanted to divorce her, he would divorce her 2)If he wanted to marry me, he would marry me 3) He knows im not happy about the situation and i am suffering because i can't have a life with him, and he doesn't care that i am in pain. 4) if he cared about my feelings he would take actions . 5) he doesn't love me enough to care about my pain or to give me respect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 If he’s not leaving his wife - does that mean you plan to stay indefinitely? What’s your limit? i don't know... unlike in the beginning , now staying is very hard due to the following reasons 1 i want to marry him and not being able to love freely is making me sad 2 i can't tolerate him being with her... it makes me very sad,i don't want to share anymore.... 3 the fact that he doesnt care about my feelings is giving me a sinking feeling.... so tolerating these and staying is becoming hard everyday Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 yesterday he told me "you knew i am married when we started the affair. so i am not doing anything wrong to you" yes... yes.... i knew... but now my bond with him has increased and i can't just be the other woman anymore... and how is that he is not doing anything wrong to me? yes.. he is doing something wrong to me.. he fully well knows that he can make me happy by making me his wife and instead of doing it he is giving me pain... yes, i know it's all my fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 well, if he loves me why can't he just decide and say " i love you, i am going to divorce her and marry you" his excuse is the kid.and his parents... it's not like he will never see the kid after the divorce... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 "you knew i am married when we started the affair. so i am not doing anything wrong to you" ^^^That is the situation you are in. You either accept it or you walk away. There is no happy ever after where he divorces and marries you. That option is NOT on the table, it was likely NEVER on the table. Three years in, he is exactly where he wants to be, he has a wife at home caring for his children and you on the side. It makes perfect sense to him. You think monogamously, he doesn't. He, like so many men in affairs, is happy with two women. That is the deal, take it or leave it. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 well, if he loves me why can't he just decide and say " i love you, i am going to divorce her and marry you" his excuse is the kid.and his parents... it's not like he will never see the kid after the divorce... It’s not an excuse. He is married - he has a wife, and a child who relies on him, and a life with his family... that’s not an “excuse” - it’s reality. You are living in a fantasy land if you believe that he will leave his family for you. He may love you, but he also loves his wife and child. He loves his family. And he loves his life. You can ignore this if you like, it doesn’t change the reality of the situation. He will not leave his wife and child for you. It is WRONG and so very ENTITlED for you to ever consider that he would. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 (edited) yesterday he told me "you knew i am married when we started the affair. so i am not doing anything wrong to you" yes... yes.... i knew... but now my bond with him has increased and i can't just be the other woman anymore... Too bad, so sad. That’s the only option you have with this guy. he fully well knows that he can make me happy by making me his wife and instead of doing it he is giving me pain... HE is not giving you pain. YOU are the source of your own pain, at this point. YOU are CHOSING to stay with a man who YOU KNOW, can’t give you what you want. That’s all on you... Edited June 23, 2019 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 i have typed the following on a A4 paper and i read it everyday. despite that i continue wanting whatever scrapes he gives me.sometimes i feel like i have gone mad.... 1) If he wanted to divorce her, he would divorce her 2)If he wanted to marry me, he would marry me 3) He knows im not happy about the situation and i am suffering because i can't have a life with him, and he doesn't care that i am in pain. 4) if he cared about my feelings he would take actions . 5) he doesn't love me enough to care about my pain or to give me respect. Keep reading this. It will sink in a little more each day. Once when you were explaining why they have a bad marriage, you said that he will tell his wife his preferences but everything is always done her way. You want him to stand up for himself and leave the marriage. You understand that he's responsible for what he will accept and what he won't accept. You are in the same position in your affair, but you're in his shoes. You tell him what you want, but everything is always done his way. Now is time for you to focus on being responsible for your own choices. He's not leaving. He never said he was leaving. He gave you excuses that made you feel better (and gave you hope that if you could fix the problem for him, he would leave) but he did not really mean them. All you can do is accept this. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 The problem with your list below is that it's focused on him and what he is doing or not doing when you should be focusing on your own behaviour i have typed the following on a A4 paper and i read it everyday. despite that i continue wanting whatever scrapes he gives me.sometimes i feel like i have gone mad.... 1) If he wanted to divorce her, he would divorce her if you want to stop being with a married man, you would stop 2)If he wanted to marry me, he would marry me if you want to get married you would stop dating an already married man 3) He knows im not happy about the situation and i am suffering because i can't have a life with him, and he doesn't care that i am in pain. you know are not happy about the situation and you are suffering but you don't care enough about yourself to walk away 4) if he cared about my feelings he would take actions . if you cared about your feelings you would take actions 5) he doesn't love me enough to care about my pain or to give me respect. you don't love yourself enough to care about your pain or treat yourself with respect OP I don't understand why you are not getting that you are the only one who controls your life and happiness. You are choosing this pain and you are the only one who can choose something different. Do you approach everything in life from this stance of victimhood and helplessness? If you're outside and it starts pouring rain and you know the water is going to ruin your new suede jacket what would you do? Would you just keep standing in the rain going "whhyyyy is it raining on me? Why is the universe ruining my new jacket? How long do I have to stand here and wait for the rain to stop?" Is that what you would do? Or would you help yourself by going inside or opening an umbrella? I know that analogy sounds silly but your affair is truly no different. You can change this situation but you choose not to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 Ah, but if the universe really cared about her new suede jacket, it wouldn’t rain on it. Seriously OP, your argument about your MM - “If he loves me, he will leave his wife and child to be with me” makes about as much sense as saying “If the universe cared about me, it wouldn’t rain on my new suede jacket.” Both sound utterly ridiculous. And neither are going to happen... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 We could also say of you, "If you really loved him, you would respect that he wants to stay married, and you wouldn't help him ruin his chances of staying married by having an affair with him." Are you in IC? Are you and MM still not having sex? I have two theories about this . . . one is that he is not interested in sex with women in general, and the other is that your strict cultural background that keeps him from having sex with you would also never allow him to get a divorce. He's the only one who would know he's having sex with you, but the whole world would know if he got a divorce. Either way, there's a huge obstacle in your way that is not going to be removed. Do you want to get married and have kids? I hope you will get yourself out of this limbo and find someone available. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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