when he/she says "i can't divorce because of the kids"?

[Amethyst68]

Why are you so entitled to a happily ever after? You're having an affair with a man who's already exchanged vows with someone else, you are no victim, the only person to feel sorry for here is the wife.

 

You are in a situation entirely of your own making and your own choosing now. You've been told plainly I don't know how many times by this man that he has no intention of leaving. You are not a priority in any way. I also doubt he is only staying for the child, if there was ever a DDay I'm almost 100% certain you wouldn't see him for dust.

[elaine567]

DDay

Thread posted May 2018

His wife found out and he suddenly abandoned me.I am heart broken.... ....

[Amethyst68]

Sorry, I had read your backstory but forgot.

 

I would be prepared though, if there is a second DDay the consequences are often harsher, although that may be what you are hoping for and that you will end up with him by default.

 

I will ask you though why do you deserve more of his time than his child? What happens when he had more children with his wife?

[BaileyB]

We could also say of you, "If you really loved him, you would respect that he wants to stay married.”

 

Exactly.

 

OP. If you are not in counselling, you need to be.

[Beendaredonedat]

I'm new to this forum and all I can say is that reading this sub forum makes me shake my head. It's the same story over and over again.

 

When you get with a married man or woman then in the majority of the time, you are going to be left pining away as you spend birthdays, major holidays, most weekends alone. Your AP will be at home enjoying his/her family.

 

For those who are single and hook their star to someone who is not free to be with you:

Do yourselves a favor and get into counselling to find out why you are so afraid of commitment. You must be if you are letting yourself become vulnerable to a MM/MW. Because they are already taken, they are safe to you and your subconscious fear of being attached.

 

For those who are married: Do yourselves a favor and get into counselling to help you get over your addiction to your AP and to help you learn how to reconnect with your marriage partner... that, or get out so you are free to date those that are free to be with you.

[mark clemson]

I believe it was a different Marc - marc678 (apologies if I got that wrong!) who said "It goes on and on like a broken record". Something to that effect.

 

7.5 billion people in the world. A certain percentage of cheaters (maybe 20+ %). So when one does the math...

[Beentheretoooften]

I posted this in the wrong thread earlier, so actually it’s not my first post, but it is. Lol. Thanks.

 

Hi. My first post, very nervous. I’ve been lurking around for a few months and have wanted to register but just haven’t. I don’t know if I could ever post my story, but it is similar to a lot on here that I read. In this situation, the MM is taking too unfair of a beating. I understand how it all works, but does anyone think for one second that he could actually love her? At the same time love his wife and at the same time love his children? Obviously any form of cheating is wrong, I get that, but it’s possible that things just happen, even though you don’t want it to. There are so many circumstances that go into an affair, just to blame the MM, is not the answer. It’s incredibly hard for both parties. Guilt, grief etc. she needs to move on, everyone agrees, but it’s just so so hard. The comfort is so nice. I hope as a first post this was ok. I’m not taking sides, but wanted to just point out that it is almost just as difficult for MM As well.

[heartwhole2]

I posted this in the wrong thread earlier, so actually it’s not my first post, but it is. Lol. Thanks.

 

Hi. My first post, very nervous. I’ve been lurking around for a few months and have wanted to register but just haven’t. I don’t know if I could ever post my story, but it is similar to a lot on here that I read. In this situation, the MM is taking too unfair of a beating. I understand how it all works, but does anyone think for one second that he could actually love her? At the same time love his wife and at the same time love his children? Obviously any form of cheating is wrong, I get that, but it’s possible that things just happen, even though you don’t want it to. There are so many circumstances that go into an affair, just to blame the MM, is not the answer. It’s incredibly hard for both parties. Guilt, grief etc. she needs to move on, everyone agrees, but it’s just so so hard. The comfort is so nice. I hope as a first post this was ok. I’m not taking sides, but wanted to just point out that it is almost just as difficult for MM As well.

 

I don't know about this particular situation, but I do think in general that many MM have loving feelings towards the OW. The problem is that there's a difference between loving feelings and loving actions. When you pair harmful actions and loving feelings, you get a big old mess.

 

Most OW are deeply attached to the MM, and they can't detach until they get angry about the harmful actions. Later, after healing, they should be able to view the MM as a person with both good and bad traits who was just as confused and misguided as she was. But while trying to extricate herself from the affair, she needs anger to give her a kick in the butt.

[Beentheretoooften]

I don't know about this particular situation, but I do think in general that many MM have loving feelings towards the OW. The problem is that there's a difference between loving feelings and loving actions. When you pair harmful actions and loving feelings, you get a big old mess.

 

Most OW are deeply attached to the MM, and they can't detach until they get angry about the harmful actions. Later, after healing, they should be able to view the MM as a person with both good and bad traits who was just as confused and misguided as she was. But while trying to extricate herself from the affair, she needs anger to give her a kick in the butt.

 

In my case, I am the MM. I was with a much younger AP. we sort of knew what we were getting Into, but as it turned out we didn’t really know. The love was fantasy love, but it was still love no matter how you sliced it. It went on for a decade. Entire time, we both knew I wasn’t leaving, and I always encouraged her to find somebody, but if/when she did, we have to be completely through. We are now at that point, while I miss her and I know it has to be probably harder for her, part of me wishes it never happened. Not only the guilt, but the loss has been difficult. Thank goodness for close family and friends I have. Ahhh, also, nobody ever knew.

The anger that abandoned needs to rid herself of the A, could be the hardest thing ever.

My AP and I never broke up during, it was what everyone here has talked about but less Any fights etc. still so wrong, but you just don’t know what you’re getting into until it’s too late. A decade. I can’t believe it. I wish I could help abandoned more, try and make it so clear. Sometimes you need to just find out on your own, which sucks.

[heartwhole2]

still so wrong, but you just don’t know what you’re getting into until it’s too late. A decade. I can’t believe it. I wish I could help abandoned more, try and make it so clear. Sometimes you need to just find out on your own, which sucks.

 

A decade is a long time and heartbreak is hard to bear when it's a secret.

 

Is it universally true that people don't know what they're getting into with affairs until it's too late, or was it true for you because of your self-awareness (or lack there-of), your boundaries (or lack there-of), etc.?

 

while I miss her and I know it has to be probably harder for her, part of me wishes it never happened. Not only the guilt, but the loss has been difficult.

 

One thing that makes it easier for people to cheat on their spouses is a lack of empathy and a tendency towards self-absorption. Here you are, acknowledging that it's probably harder for her, but really wishing *you* didn't have to deal with guilt and loss now. Even the fact that you came here to make sure that people don't just feel bad for OW but feel bad for the MM too . . . you are seeking to soothe yourself, but is soothing yourself at the expense of hurting OW the best way to do that? Does knowing that feelings were real erase the hurt of the actions that never aligned with those feelings?

 

It sounds like you have a desire to share your story; perhaps you could start one (I believe Infidelity would be the correct board).

 

The good news is that when we see an area for growth, we humans are amazingly adaptable. You can take those parts of you that self-absorbed and immature and turn them into a better you. IC can help.

[Amethyst68]

Beentheretoooften, you may want to open your own thread to discuss your own situation. A decade long affair is a very damaging thing to get over.

 

I can't help but notice you say you have been supported by close family and friends, does this man they know about your affair? Does your wife know and if so does she know everything including the length? That's a huge betrayal to get over.

 

As for the AP I would give some thought that after 10 years how much was actually just habit? Your easy break from routine.

 

But to answer your question, no I don't believe that anyone who cheats on their spouse loves them, they may care for them some kind of offhanded fashion, like a discarded possession. Let me ask you something, how can you say you love someone when you have lied straight to their face and deceived them for a decade, stolen time from your family to spend time with her, spent family funds on dinners, gifts, hotels maybe even travel. To add to this you would still be doing this if your AP didn't want to be monogamous with her new partner. Is that how you would describe love? Note imagine you find out your wife had found a new man, would you be willing to forgive?

[S2B]

When someone really wants to get divorced - they do.

 

Anything less is nonsense and excuses to not get divorced.

 

Plenty of complicated and wealthy people divorce every day.

 

If a MM isn’t divorcing it’s because that’s his choice to stay with his wife.

[Beentheretoooften]

A decade is a long time and heartbreak is hard to bear when it's a secret.

 

Is it universally true that people don't know what they're getting into with affairs until it's too late, or was it true for you because of your self-awareness (or lack there-of), your boundaries (or lack there-of), etc.?

 

 

 

One thing that makes it easier for people to cheat on their spouses is a lack of empathy and a tendency towards self-absorption. Here you are, acknowledging that it's probably harder for her, but really wishing *you* didn't have to deal with guilt and loss now. Even the fact that you came here to make sure that people don't just feel bad for OW but feel bad for the MM too . . . you are seeking to soothe yourself, but is soothing yourself at the expense of hurting OW the best way to do that? Does knowing that feelings were real erase the hurt of the actions that never aligned with those feelings?

 

It sounds like you have a desire to share your story; perhaps you could start one (I believe Infidelity would be the correct board).

 

The good news is that when we see an area for growth, we humans are amazingly adaptable. You can take those parts of you that self-absorbed and immature and turn them into a better you. IC can help.

 

Hi heartwhole2. I didn’t mean for this thread to turn to me. I apologize if it looked that way. The one thing I love about this newly found website by me, is the genuine care of the people like you. You seem very intelligent with what you say. But I would like to answer you, and the post after you. I’ve thought about sharing my story since it happened. I don’t Think i am, but that’s just where I am right now. I wouldn’t even know where to start. Perhaps someday. I am going to see if you have started any threads to learn a little more about you. I appreciate what you have said to me.

[Beentheretoooften]

Beentheretoooften, you may want to open your own thread to discuss your own situation. A decade long affair is a very damaging thing to get over.

 

I can't help but notice you say you have been supported by close family and friends, does this man they know about your affair? Does your wife know and if so does she know everything including the length? That's a huge betrayal to get over.

 

As for the AP I would give some thought that after 10 years how much was actually just habit? Your easy break from routine.

 

But to answer your question, no I don't believe that anyone who cheats on their spouse loves them, they may care for them some kind of offhanded fashion, like a discarded possession. Let me ask you something, how can you say you love someone when you have lied straight to their face and deceived them for a decade, stolen time from your family to spend time with her, spent family funds on dinners, gifts, hotels maybe even travel. To add to this you would still be doing this if your AP didn't want to be monogamous with her new partner. Is that how you would describe love? Note imagine you find out your wife had found a new man, would you be willing to forgive?

 

Hi amethyst. I appreciate your words as well. To also state, this thread was not about me, I feel like my original response started this change. To answer a few of your questions. Nobody knows but 1 key person. I needed 1 to have. I have been in IC for a bit now, and feel like from a personal standpoint, I’m doing very well. All your points are valid, except the part about loving my family. According to many posts here, if mm didn’t love their families, they would leave. I just was caught up, it felt too good. I know how wrong it was, I e been reading threads and threads about it. It just feels different when it’s actyally happening. I know that’s a poor excuse, not even poor, below that. To answer your last question, I wouldn’t be able to forgive if roles were reversed. But you knew that answer already. IC has recommended, and I concurred to not say anything. I know you dont agree. But each situation is a little different. I want you to know I value your honesty. She would have continued with me, with new partner, but I had no interest in sharing. I know. I know.

[PhoenixRising8]

. She would have continued with me, with new partner, but I had no interest in sharing. I know. I know.

 

My xMM didn't want me to look for someone else or date while with him. I said that was hypocritical given he goes home to his wife every night. He said he believed in monogamy and since he wasn't sleeping with her I wasn't really sharing. Yeah ... OK. Men really do have a different way of looking at things.

[Beentheretoooften]

My xMM didn't want me to look for someone else or date while with him. I said that was hypocritical given he goes home to his wife every night. He said he believed in monogamy and since he wasn't sleeping with her I wasn't really sharing. Yeah ... OK. Men really do have a different way of looking at things.

 

Obviously what I did was awful. I didn’t want AP to date, she didn’t. She knew that when she did, we were over. I never said a word about my spouse to her, ever. These were our terms. Wrong, I know, but in that respect we were honest and adults and both agreed to those terms. I suppose she was willing to share, I wasn’t. Doesn’t make it any better.

[PhoenixRising8]

All I can do is shake my head. What's good for the goose isn't good for the gander. To each his own.

[Amethyst68]

All I can say again is that's not love, you do not betray someone you vowed to love and protect for a decade, for 10 years and then just dismiss it with I just got caught up in it, not to mention it would still be going on if you didn't want to 'share'your AP. I recommend changing you're IC, you need one that's going to make you actually do the hard work.

 

Oh and you're right I do think you should tell your wife, don't you think after 10yrs she should have a say in her own life? You say you wouldn't be able to forgive why shouldn't she have that choice? At the very least your wife needs to know she had to book a full STI test.

[Capris]

@beentheretoooften ofc he might love her, but even you said that you would love for your affair to have not happened and that it's harder for the AP.

 

So, OP, ditch the guy. It's a win win situation. If you leave he might finally realise what he wants and go after you or you may find happiness elsewhere and way more fulfilling. I think the latter will happen, but doesn't matter.

 

Take control of your life. All the best!

[somanymistakes]

When someone really wants to get divorced - they do.

 

Anything less is nonsense and excuses to not get divorced.

 

Plenty of complicated and wealthy people divorce every day.

 

If a MM isn’t divorcing it’s because that’s his choice to stay with his wife.

 

Some people do take a little while to get around to it, and it's harder in some jurisdictions than others. In some places, you can just DO it, go file the papers yourself, start the wheels turning. In other places you may have to wait FIVE YEARS before you're allowed to divorce. Sucks.

 

But if someone's making endless excuses and not trying to find any way to deal with those problems? Yeah. They don't really want to do it.

[BaileyB]

Obviously what I did was awful. I didn’t want AP to date, she didn’t. She knew that when she did, we were over. I never said a word about my spouse to her, ever. These were our terms. Wrong, I know, but in that respect we were honest and adults and both agreed to those terms. I suppose she was willing to share, I wasn’t. Doesn’t make it any better.

 

That this young woman wasted ten of the best years of her life on a dead end relationship makes me really sad for her... And, how you could ask someone to do that is beyond me...

 

Consenting adults, I know. Still, really sad.

[Amethyst68]

It can take up to 5 years where I live if the divorce is contested but it doesn't take 5 years to get separated. By that I mean fully separate residences, finances, custody orders and supports set up through lawyers or meditation. There are ways to leave and set the ball in motion legally. People do it all the time unfortunately, look at the marriage stats.

 

In the OP's case the MM just doesn't want to and has made it plain. It's her choice to stay in a relationship with a married man, the clue was there that already had commitments. I suppose she could always try forcing another DDay but she may not get the results she wants.

[BaileyB]

In the OP's case the MM just doesn't want to and has made it plain. I suppose she could always try forcing another DDay but she may not get the results she wants.

 

Sure, there is another DDay and let’s say the “best” happens and the wife kicks him out. Do you really want a man who didn’t “chose” you? And, what if the wife changes her mind and decides to take him back? Or maybe, he will look at you OP with resentment because you caused the loss of his marriage - highly unlikely that he would chose to be with you in that case.

 

Forcing a DDay and “getting your man” won’t be a “win” in any way...

[Amethyst68]

Then there's the high number of MM who eventually leave or are kicked out but also leave the OW because they're now free to see whoever they choose and don't want do date a 'cheater'. Hypocrisy at it's finest I know but it does go on.

[heartwhole2]

Then there's the high number of MM who eventually leave or are kicked out but also leave the OW because they're now free to see whoever they choose and don't want do date a 'cheater'. Hypocrisy at it's finest I know but it does go on.

 

When they're married, their options for a secret girlfriend are limited. When they're single, there's a whole world of women to date out there. It may not be so much "Ick, I reject you because you're a cheater!" but "Wow, look at the choices!" Plus a newly divorced person may have the urge to sow some wild oats.