gettinoverit Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 My God Abandoned, I feel like I want to reach through the computer screen and shake you, or stage an intervention or something!!! Your pain is palpable. I know it and I get it. But you MUST start getting a grip on yourself. You have absolutely zero control over this guy. You only have control over yourself. And you are destroying yourself over this! You are wasting your life! Do you really want to live like this another day, let alone another week, month or year??! HE HAS MADE HIS CHOICE. AND IT ISN'T YOU. No matter how much you want it to be different, it isn't. NOW you need to take that and run with it. You have a chance to create a whole new life for yourself based on what you want to do. PLEASE make today Day 1. Cut him off. He is NOT an option for you. Sit down with a pen and paper and start mapping out how you want the rest of your life to be. Start with WHO you want to be. I bet your dream person isn't this lost, low, grovelling mess, right? WHO are you? How do you want to see yourself? Strong, proud, attractive? Figure out how to become her. What does she do for work? how about her hobbies and interests? What is she passionate about? Start getting excited about her, her new life, and where it's going to take her, all the possiiblities and options open to her. CUT THIS MAN OFF. No, it's not that easy, but it IS that necessary. Otherwise another year from now you will be exactly where you still are. You will be so proud of yourself when you finally lift up out of this on your own strength. You will know what self love really feels like. Stop looking for it from external sources that can't give it to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 op, You can get over him! I know that sounds impossible, but it's true. You don't have to do it all at once. If you feel overwhelmed, set a small goal for the day. For example, if you check his social media accounts every day, set a goal for yourself for the day that you won't check them. If a day is too much, start with even a few hours. Show yourself, even with baby steps at first, that you can and will survive without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted August 16, 2019 Author Share Posted August 16, 2019 It's Over he sent me a chat message on 13th aug saying "uhhh you are so bad" and then he deleted it but i saw it before it was deleted.... i asked him what is the meaning of that message as it was sent out of the blue 7-10 minutes after our conversation was finished... 14th all day he didn't reply saying "it's not a big deal, i ll tell you later" i waited till 11.30pm on 14th and then i rang his phone (via a chat service) he came online and started blaming me saying "what the hell did you do? now i have to face problems here. dont ring or text me" i said i wanted to know the meaning of that text. he said no i wont tell you. i said i am sick (i was ill, having fever and cough and feeling very unwell) i don't want to fight, please tell me. for my message saying "i am sick" he replied saying "i don't care" all the anger because i was asking questions and rang his phone without acting like the "always happy, no questions" woman he expects... the moment i did something which is a threat to his home life , he became angry... saying "i don't care" when i said i am sick hurt me real bad because i have been there for him when he was sick... then on 15th i called him and asked about that text. he said "trust me if you want to trust me, i am not going to prove things to you. i am tired of you asking questions, i have to think about myself first. i want to end this relationship. i don't want you anymore" here i was thinking why he is not divorcing her and marrying me and the answer is he is thinking about himself 1st. a divorce will be a very hard process and friends and family will think bad about him and he is only concerned about that...... he only wanted some "side fun" i guess.. just chatting and receiving all the love and attention... but he does not want to think about my happiness or do things for me.... he is the one who sent the text and failed to explain it but at the end he was talking like it's my fault... the moment he said he is finishing it, i cried. i am being completely honest here.... i was crying and saying how much i love him and please don't end over a matter like this....and he said he shall focus on himself and his family... i have no dignity left. after crying i felt ashamed... and from yesterday i have not contacted him... it hurts so much. it's only been more than a day.. i mourn for the 1000 dreams that died.... i was hoping that as time goes by, he would come closer to me like i was coming closer to him and he would feel "i love her i want to marry her" but it turned out that only i was ready to give him the status of "husband" and he was never ready to give me the status of "wife" i am hurting so much... i don't know what to do or where to turn to.. i am just so grateful that this forum is here.... at least i can vent here.... no family or friends knows about this so this is my private hell.... today i took the phone 100 times to ask "hi did you have lunch" etc like we do everyday... to tell him to go home safely.... to ask what he is doing.... but every time i stopped myself... i kept telling myself "he doesn't want me so don't go begging after him" Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted August 16, 2019 Author Share Posted August 16, 2019 yes.... i knew he was married... i knew.... but i hoped that as we fell deeper in love he would want to leave her and marry me... was i so naive? people do get divorced all the time.... was i stupid in believing love will conquer all... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 I’m so sorry you are hurting... But, it’s true. He has made his choice and it’s not you. His priorities are himself, and his family. You finally see that - having heard it straight from the horses mouth. I’m sorry, how he said it was cruel but at least you have the truth. Now, you can focus on moving on and NEVER put yourself in this position again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 yes.... i knew he was married... i knew.... but i hoped that as we fell deeper in love he would want to leave her and marry me... was i so naive? people do get divorced all the time.... was i stupid in believing love will conquer all... Yes, you were incredibly naive. Love does conquer all - he loves himself and his wife. You were naive to think that he would leave his family for you. Next time, date someone who is single and you may have a different outcome... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted August 16, 2019 Author Share Posted August 16, 2019 I’m so sorry you are hurting... But, it’s true. He has made his choice and it’s not you. His priorities are himself, and his family. You finally see that - having heard it straight from the horses mouth. I’m sorry, how he said it was cruel but at least you have the truth. Now, you can focus on moving on and NEVER put yourself in this position again. thank you.. i am a mess right now... your words are a comfort.. Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 was i stupid in believing love will conquer all... Love doesn’t conquer all, courage does. ((Hugs)) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted August 16, 2019 Author Share Posted August 16, 2019 Love doesn’t conquer all, courage does. ((Hugs)) sitting in front of the laptop, crying.. the man i thought will be there for me said " i don't care" when i told him i am sick and yet, kind strangers on the internet are providing care at the crucial moment i need caring. life is a strange thing.. sometimes the ones you count on to stay and catch you when you fall are the ones who makes you fall.. Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 Hmmm, the way he did it is cruel. I'm so sorry. When you finally have a chance to breathe, dust yourself off and start thinking, I know his true colors now. Now I can move on. It's going to take time (and lots of it), but you can do it. You know you can do it. And never get yourself into this situation ever again. ((((HUGS))))) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 Op, I know you're hurting right now, but it;s also okay to be angry. Be angry at how he's treated you, and odd as it may sound, be angry at how he's treating his wife and family. Kick that pedestal you've got him on out from under him and see who he really is. he is a man who puts his own needs before everyone else. what you ave seen in how he treats his wife and family is who he is at his core. just like you didn't make him cheat on them, they didn't make him hurt them. He did it because he wanted to, and when you strip away all the excuses and rationalizations for his behavior, you can see who and what he really is. Want to get started? Make a list, in your own mind or here if you want, of all his negatives. Think of all the rotten things he's done to you, and again it might sound weird, but also the negatives about how he's treated his wife and family. THAT is who he is. Not a prince charming, not some poor schmuck stuck in a bad relationship, not a martyr doing his best. He's a sneak and an emoti9onal abuser. Nothing more. You are damned lucky he;s out of your life, and I know it may not feel like it now, but one day, you will look up at the night time sky and thank your lucky stars he's out of your life. Don't allow him to wiggle his way back in. Also, don't fall into the trap of being envious of his wife. Look at the disrespect he's shown to her. Why would you ever want to sign up for that sort of treatment? Not long from now, you'll be feeling so much better and he'll still be stuck right where he is because he refuses to see any of the negatives in his life as being due to his actions. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 For the last 3 years,I am having an affair with a married man. it's on and off... he'll leave , be back...we all know the usual chain of events... Is this not the usual "off" again? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 sitting in front of the laptop, crying.. the man i thought will be there for me said " i don't care" when i told him I am sick. life is a strange thing.. . Life isn’t all that strange. You placed your trust unwisely. We have all told you this - he has told you this in as many words - for so long now... You just failed to listen or heed the many warning signs. It’s entirely possible that he will be back, given your past history. The only question that remains - will you finally develop the self respect to tell him to leave you alone? Or, will you fall back into this fantasy life you have created and take him back... Stay tuned, I suppose... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 he is the one who sent the text and failed to explain it but at the end he was talking like it's my fault... the moment he said he is finishing it, i cried. i am being completely honest here.... i was crying and saying how much i love him and please don't end over a matter like this....and he said he shall focus on himself and his family... Apologies if this is harsh right now, but I think you know what that text and the sudden reversal mean. "Focusing on his family" is just misdirection, a way to make him appear like, after all this, he's now suddenly taking the moral upper hand. Keep that in mind if/when he ever suddenly shows up trying to make amends... Side note, just my opinion but this guy sounds Personality Disordered-ish to me... Link to post Share on other sites
gettinoverit Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 Oh Abandoned, I am SO sorry this has happened. I can literally feel your pain right now. Please please PLEASE think about what he has just done to you. He was cruel and pushed you aside like a piece of used trash. What an unbelievable jerk! I agree with Elaine that this is likely one of his "off" times. I would put money on him coming back to you at some point. And I KNOW what you have just done reading that line - your heart has leapt with hope! DON'T YOU DARE! NOW is your opportunity to pick yourself up from the ruins of all this and reinvent yourself. Are you seriously ever going to give this loser the time of day ever again after the way he has treated you?! You want to feel whole again? It HAS to come from within you. So here's your homework for the weekend: 1) Get it into your head that this is done, over, finished with, this guy is OUT of your life for good, you will NEVER see or speak to him again. He has absolutely no right to your time or energy. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. 2) BLOCK HIM. Yes, you read that. The ONLY way you are going to start healing from this is to cut him out completely. No, it's not easy. But you MUST if you are ever going to start on the road to recovery here. 3) I will allow you tonight and tomorrow morning to cry about this, and then you are finished. I want you to spend Saturday sitting with a pen and paper, figuring out what you want to do for the rest of your life - set your goals for 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 3 years and 5 years from now. Give yourself something to look forward to. 4) Once you have done that, go out and reward yourself with whatever will make you feel you've treated yourself. Coffee and Sees Candy works for me, but it can be a new top, new jeans, a beer, whatever. 5) On Sunday I want you to keep busy busy busy - clean the house top to bottom, go for a long hike, meet friends - but do not sit still for a minute. While doing that I want you to practice something: Think of something about your new life that you listed that makes you happy and excited. Anything at all. Then the moment he pops into your head (as he will do 500 times a day) I want you to IMMEDIATELY shout "STOP!" to yourself and replace that thought with the thought of the new life thing. Just keep doing that. Over and over. Next week I want you to repeat #5 over and over. And find yourself a therapist for some IC. You are badly broken, I can feel it. And you need rebuilding from the ground up. The exciting thing is: you get to rebuild yourself from the ground up! No more of this nonsense. You CAN do this. In fact, you MUST do this. You're at ground zero right now. Day 1 starts NOW. Go find yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted August 17, 2019 Author Share Posted August 17, 2019 Op, I know you're hurting right now, but it;s also okay to be angry. Be angry at how he's treated you, i guess the anger will come later. right now i am hurting so much... Kick that pedestal you've got him on out from under him and see who he really is. strange thing is i never had him on a pedestal. i saw his weaknesses... and yet loved him. he is a man who puts his own needs before everyone else. when you strip away all the excuses and rationalizations for his behavior, you can see who and what he really is. yes... i thought as he sees my pain which is caused because i can't be with him, he will start doing something and taking actions to make it better even though it might get him on the bad side of the book in his parents and friend's minds.. but no, he only thinks about himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted August 17, 2019 Author Share Posted August 17, 2019 Is this not the usual "off" again? i guess not... Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 yes.... i knew he was married... i knew.... but i hoped that as we fell deeper in love he would want to leave her and marry me... was i so naive? people do get divorced all the time.... was i stupid in believing love will conquer all... That he would WANT to leave? No, he already said he can’t. You know he can. He won’t! That’s what it’s really about - he won’t leave her. He’s a selfish man. I’m sorry it hurts now - but I hope n time you see the real him = only worried about HIS feelings. I hope you block him!!!! Will you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted August 17, 2019 Author Share Posted August 17, 2019 Apologies if this is harsh right now, but I think you know what that text and the sudden reversal mean. "Focusing on his family" is just misdirection, a way to make him appear like, after all this, he's now suddenly taking the moral upper hand. Keep that in mind if/when he ever suddenly shows up trying to make amends... Side note, just my opinion but this guy sounds Personality Disordered-ish to me... i am confused about the text.. could you please explain a bit about the Personality Disordered-ish thing....? Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted August 17, 2019 Author Share Posted August 17, 2019 (edited) Oh Abandoned, I am SO sorry this has happened. I can literally feel your pain right now. Please please PLEASE think about what he has just done to you. He was cruel and pushed you aside like a piece of used trash. What an unbelievable jerk! still crying... i need a bit of time to cry my eyes out and be done with it..... Edited August 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted August 17, 2019 Author Share Posted August 17, 2019 (edited) That he would WANT to leave? No, he already said he can’t. You know he can. He won’t! That’s what it’s really about - he won’t leave her. He’s a selfish man. I’m sorry it hurts now - but I hope n time you see the real him = only worried about HIS feelings. I hope you block him!!!! Will you? yes, only worries about himself. as long as i am not asking question and not making requests and be fun for him he had me with him.. and when i wanted something (marriage) he let me go. i am not going online again... Edited August 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed spacing Link to post Share on other sites
gettinoverit Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 still crying... i need a bit of time to cry my eyes out and be done with it..... I suspect you've done more than enough crying these last few years. Wallow in it tonight and tomorrow. It's ok to regress from time to time over the next few weeks. But you're going to start moving forwards now. From tomorrow you are going to put yourself on an upwards trajectory out of this. We're all here to coach you through this, but you have to do the hard work yourself. Take care. Whoever and wherever you are, my heart goes out to you. This is totally sucky. But the good news? This is as bad as it gets. The only way is up from here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 (edited) i am confused about the text.. I know you're upset but honestly my first thought was the text was not meant for you, he's having fun texting sometime new. It also explains the anger because to him, you're interrupting his fun, his new flirtation. I hope you stay strong and keep NC. I know it sounds so easy from the outside but you'll get through it bit by bit. Edited August 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator rude Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted August 17, 2019 Author Share Posted August 17, 2019 I suspect you've done more than enough crying these last few years. Wallow in it tonight and tomorrow. It's ok to regress from time to time over the next few weeks. But you're going to start moving forwards now. From tomorrow you are going to put yourself on an upwards trajectory out of this. We're all here to coach you through this, but you have to do the hard work yourself. Take care. Whoever and wherever you are, my heart goes out to you. This is totally sucky. But the good news? This is as bad as it gets. The only way is up from here. yes.. yes.. i have cried so much in the last 2 years... every time i thought about him kissing her, going places with her, cooking for her, buying stuff for her etc (you get the drift) i have cried... and every time i wanted to kiss him, hug him, talk with him and i couldn't , i have cried..... last night i cried myself to sleep.this morning i woke up and cried... but i guess he was never meant to understand that pain because he only thinks about what is convenient for him... no matter how much that choice hurts me... Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted August 17, 2019 Author Share Posted August 17, 2019 I know you're upset but honestly my first thought was the text was not meant for you, he's having fun texting sometime new. It also explains the anger because to him, you're interrupting his fun, his new flirtation. I hope you stay strong and keep NC. I know it sounds so easy from the outside but you'll get through it bit by bit. that's what i thought too. the text was meant for someone else..he sent it to me by mistake.. Link to post Share on other sites
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