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when he/she says "i can't divorce because of the kids"?


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abandoned2018

he is normally very mild spoken through texts. but that day when i called him after waiting till 11.30pm for him to come online and explain about this text message, he was so worried that he'll get caught. he texted me "don't you try to call or text my phone, what the hell did you do" etc....

 

 

 

 

 

that really opened my eyes.

 

 

 

he only cares about himself.

 

 

 

 

this saying that he can't divorce because of the kid is just an excuse. people with kids get divorced everyday, all over the world. i am just sorry that i fell for these excuses....

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that's what i thought too. the text was meant for someone else..he sent it to me by mistake..

 

All the more reason to kick this cheating man to the curb...

 

Seriously, dry your eyes and find something to do today. He is not worth this much emotional energy.

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mark clemson

@abandoned -

 

Some personality disordered folks (or those with tendencies) frequently "turn" emotionally on others. They really like them, then suddenly the really strongly don't. These hot/cold and being suddenly shut out completely turns to the relationship can really wreak emotional havoc on people who are close to them or have formed bonds.

 

They don't experience/process/act on emotional attachments the way most folks do. For some of them arbitrary things trigger the sudden turnarounds. For others its more deliberate. In either case it can be quite painful.

 

Not saying I know anything for certain (and really it's impossible to diagnose anyone via posts, nor would I be qualified to in any event), but you do say he had broken it off several times. And this was quite abrupt.

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It was an abrupt ending as she strayed into his "home territory". He didn't like that one bit. She rang his number and no doubt his wife (or maybe his new OW) was around and he had to do some quick explaining..

 

At that point he went, "This is too much, it is not really worth the hassle..."

 

It is not uncommon, as long as the OW stays in her place all is well, as soon as she starts demanding or thinking for herself, she is in danger of being cut off. He has too much too lose, he cannot have a "loose cannon" OW ruining his life.

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And this OW was becoming more and more of an unpredictable loose cannon... especially when she started to demand that he leave his wife and child for her. How preposterous... he needed to nip that in the bud right away lest she do something crazy like tell his wife.

 

No offence OP, but you soundEd pretty desperate and unreasonable when you start to made those kinds of statements. Little wonder he decided to end it, that would bring fear to any married man.

 

It’s risk-reward, and the risk was simply not worth the reward anymore.

 

It doesn’t mean that he won’t circle around some day though, to see how grateful she is that he has come back into her life and whether she is willing to assume her role again... with a little time, once things have settled down.

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abandoned2018
@abandoned -

 

 

 

They don't experience/process/act on emotional attachments the way most folks do. For some of them arbitrary things trigger the sudden turnarounds. For others its more deliberate. In either case it can be quite painful.

 

Not saying I know anything for certain (and really it's impossible to diagnose anyone via posts, nor would I be qualified to in any event), but you do say he had broken it off several times. And this was quite abrupt.

 

 

thank you for coming back and explaining it. it does seem that every time i ask questions/ raise issues he breaks it off.. it could be triggered by a simple issue... a

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abandoned2018
It was an abrupt ending as she strayed into his "home territory". He didn't like that one bit. She rang his number and no doubt his wife (or maybe his new OW) was around and he had to do some quick explaining..

 

At that point he went, "This is too much, it is not really worth the hassle..."

 

It is not uncommon, as long as the OW stays in her place all is well, as soon as she starts demanding or thinking for herself, she is in danger of being cut off. He has too much too lose, he cannot have a "loose cannon" OW ruining his life.

 

you are spot on... yes he told me he had to explain to his wife.

 

yes, i guess in his mind i was supposed to be silent and sit in the corner.... when i wanted my pain to be heard and understood and expected him to do something to make it better it became too much for him. because he wasnt thinking about me or my feelings he was thinking about himself.

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I don't think it's really too hard to explain, I think his actions are fairly text book for the average MM with someone on the side. He says what he needs to keep you holding on, but the harsh truth comes out when you get outside the boundaries he requires of you as the OW.

 

Does it matter why? Stop holding on so tightly to things he's said to you in the past that indicated he loved you, wanted you, etc. Do his actions support any of that?

 

You are keeping yourself stuck in this mess, waiting around for any scrap of attention he might toss you. Of course he'll keep coming back as long as you keep making yourself available to him.

 

I hope that soon you accept the reality of the situation and remove him from your life.

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abandoned2018

 

It’s risk-reward, and the risk was simply not worth the reward anymore.

 

.

 

interesting point..... so... if the reward of marrying me was worth than the risk of losing connections with his family and friends, he would have married me....

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PhoenixRising8

You seem to be stuck on him marrying you if he loved you. He married his WIFE. Marriage isn't the end all and be all as many who have married have come to realize.

 

Please get some help for yourself to understand why you aren't enough for YOURSELF. If you care enough about yourself and have self respect and self esteem, people recognize that and gravitate towards it. Ask me how I know? Three months ago I ended it with xMM. I wallowed for 4-6 weeks. Then I slowly started venturing out. The more I did, the more I had fun, the more people started to gravitate towards me.

 

3 months ago I lost my job and my MM. today, I have a new job and am having fun. If xMM called or wanted back into my life,that would be a huge no thank you. I don't doubt he had feelings for me but he isn't available. Even if he were, I deserve someone a whole lot better than a selfish liar and cheater. I really do. He served a purpose at the time we were together but he's past his before date. You have given MM huge power and control over your emotional welfare. Take it back for your own good. It's easier than you think. Just compare the positives he brought to your life compared to the negatives. Do/can you really love someone who makes you feel so awful virtually every day. Do you really think so little of yourself that you will grovel to a man to love you enough? If you do, you need more help than a forum will provide. It really is about coming to terms with yourself and deciding how you want to life your life. If I can do it, it can be done. I've spent my life trying to make everyone happy, even if it meant I wasn't. I always bent over backwards to achieve that happy ending. The experience with xMM finally opened my eyes to the fact that my happy ending depends on me and no one else.

 

But you have to love and value yourself. I do and that helped me to finally put myself first. And you know what? I'm single and happy to be single. I can do what I want, what I enjoy. I like me. I enjoy me. I know my value and I value me. Therapy helps. Please try it.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but that is the reality.

Edited by LilKatKat
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SummerDreams

I will only say this: be careful what you wish for. I bet that if he married you today, you would not be happy. You are so stuck to the purpose "how do I make him marry me?" that you don't see the actual next steps. You don't have love for him, you have an obsession. Maybe it's time to see a therapist and find out why you think so little for yourself.

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interesting point..... so... if the reward of marrying me was worth than the risk of losing connections with his family and friends, he would have married me....

 

No, I’m sorry to say this but - the reward of having sex with you was no longer worth the risk that his wife would discover the truth and he would lose his marriage.

Edited by BaileyB
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you are spot on... yes he told me he had to explain to his wife.

 

That will have rammed it home to him.

He can't possibly live with the thought that at any moment you could call and blow up his world

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abandoned2018
that's what i thought too. the text was meant for someone else..he sent it to me by mistake..

 

You seem to be stuck on him marrying you if he loved you. He married his WIFE. Marriage isn't the end all and be all as many who have married have come to realize.

 

Please get some help for yourself to understand why you aren't enough for YOURSELF. If you care enough about yourself and have self respect and self esteem, people recognize that and gravitate towards it. Do you really think so little of yourself that you will grovel to a man to love you enough? If you do, you need more help than a forum will provide. It really is about coming to terms with yourself and deciding how you want to life your life.

 

But you have to love and value yourself. I know my value and I value me. Therapy helps. Please try it.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but that is the reality.

 

 

it is not unusual for a woman in love to want marriage.

 

 

 

yes, i finally understood my worth and that i deserve a man who will hold my hand in front of the world and not someone who will hide me from the world, and that's why i made myself heard to him.

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abandoned2018
I will only say this: be careful what you wish for. I bet that if he married you today, you would not be happy. You are so stuck to the purpose "how do I make him marry me?" that you don't see the actual next steps. You don't have love for him, you have an obsession. Maybe it's time to see a therapist and find out why you think so little for yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

if he loved me enough to leave her and marry me i would be very happy.

 

 

what actual next steps are you talking about please...?

 

 

i don't want to make him marry me. i just wish he did it of his own accord.

 

 

yes, i love him.

 

 

 

no, i don't think little for myself i actually think i am worth and i deserve a man who will make me his wife.. not his secret.

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abandoned2018
No, I’m sorry to say this but - the reward of having sex with you was no longer worth the risk that his wife would discover the truth and he would lose his marriage.

 

 

 

 

we have never had sex.we live in an Asian country and things are a bit different here...

 

 

 

yes, the reward of me being his girl friend/ mistress was no longer worth the risk that she would discover the truth and he will lose his family/friends/kid/marriage.

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SummerDreams

The actual next steps are that you will have to be a stepmother for kids who hate you because you made their parents divorce. If you have a kid, this kid will be the black sheep of the family cause it will be the product of an illegal affair. You will not be accepted by his family, friends and social circle in general, you will always be the OW for them. The ex wife will always ask for money and other things and thus you will not be able to plan financially or just leave for prolonged vacation before asking permission from her. Eventually, after this man will have seen the situation, he will gradually start to resent you for ruining his and his kids' lives.

 

 

 

Do you see any happiness in all this?

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abandoned2018
The actual next steps are that you will have to be a stepmother for kids who hate you because you made their parents divorce. If you have a kid, this kid will be the black sheep of the family cause it will be the product of an illegal affair. You will not be accepted by his family, friends and social circle in general, you will always be the OW for them. The ex wife will always ask for money and other things and thus you will not be able to plan financially or just leave for prolonged vacation before asking permission from her. Eventually, after this man will have seen the situation, he will gradually start to resent you for ruining his and his kids' lives.

 

 

 

Do you see any happiness in all this?

 

 

when he and i were talking about his divorce, we agreed that he will not tell anyone that he is divorcing to be with me. he would just let everyone concerned know that he can't be with her because of reasons x y and z. even with me not being in the picture he was thinking about divorce at some point before deciding that "he needs to be there for his kid"

 

 

 

the ex would not be asking for money she is set up for life...

 

 

 

 

if he got the divorce it would have been smooth sailing for us. the only issue would have been that she will get the kid and he will have to visit. (as opposed to having the kid with him all the time)

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abandoned2018

i am not sure i can go on like this. it's just too painful. but he is fine without me right? so i am trying my best to forget and move on. the tears keep coming without no warning... he does not want me so i shall not be going after him begging.

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abandoned2018

I AM AFRAID i ll be single forever.....

 

 

 

I love him so much and i can't forget him. i have tried a lot in the last 3 years and i failed.

 

 

 

there is no chance that i will be able to love another man because i am in love with him and can't fall out of love with him

 

 

so since i can't love anyone else and he is not leaving his wife, i ll have to live alone forever and that is making me worried ...

 

 

what do i do...? how do i fall out of love? i tried everything.. i wrote a list of his bad qualities, i tried pinching myself every time i think about him... nothing works...i feel like he is my soul mate and i am so sad that i can't be with him..

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abandoned2018
You need to see a therapist.

 

 

 

 

i think so too. because i can't control my feelings or tears...

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SummerDreams
i think so too. because i can't control my feelings or tears...

 

 

There's no need to go through this by yourself. Please seek for help by a professional. It will do wonders, trust me. :)

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because he wasnt thinking about me or my feelings he was thinking about himself.

 

No, he was thinking about his children and his wife.

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Starswillshine

OP, may I ask how old you are?

 

You seem extremely immature. "If he loved me, he would marry me, and visit the kid......"

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