jospêh Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 I was in a relationship with a girl for a bit over 2 years. At the end we almost didn't have any sex with each other anymore. Now she broke up with me saying the relationship has burned out from her side. I've found out that she already slept with someone else while we weren't even broken up for a week. I'm shaking and don't know what to do. I still love her, but another part of me just wants to yell at her and call her a skank. She does not know that I've found out... Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 I'm sorry you're hurting, but people often more right on after a breakup. It sounds like things haven't been good for awhile and that she moved on emotionally before the breakup. It's over, so you have to make it a goal to just stop caring what she does. She's not any more of a skank than she was when you met her. This is just normal dating life. Always sucks when you get dumped, but you have no right to her at all anymore and need to not act like you're still invested and stop following what she's doing, and just make it easier for yourself to move on. Don't keep looking to see what she's doing. And block her and stay off her social media. Let it go. It didn't work out. She's not the right one for you. You can't find the right one until you accept that this one wasn't it and that it's over. Sorry you're hurting. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 SHE broke up with you, she is the dumper. She no doubt had been disengaging from you for a while hence the no sex. The day she broke up with you she was already done and being done she was ready to move on, which she did. Dumpees tend to think the heart ache is split right down the middle, that both parties need to grieve equally, but truth is the dumper does their grieving during the end of the relationship and on leaving they are not grieving, they may even be happy or relieved it is finished. Your relationship is finished, you no longer have any right to tell her what to do, it is none of your business what she does with her life from now on.... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jospêh Posted May 19, 2019 Author Share Posted May 19, 2019 (edited) During our relationship we went through a lot together. I helped her with so much stuff and we had a ton of the same intrests. We did everything together. It even came to a point where she wanted to cut herself and was not in the right headspace, and I helped here talk to her parents and go to a psycologist. She cried when she was breaking up with me, so I'm even more confused why she would do this already that quick. I'm really not proud of it but found out that she slept with someone else because I still have access to her messages and she was talking to someone about this. I'm not sure what to do Edited May 19, 2019 by jospêh Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 She cried when she was breaking up with me, so I'm even more confused why she would do this already that quick Breaking up is hard to do especially when done face to face, and there are feelings involved, few want to see a person they shared many times with hurt and sad. But it doesn't mean she wants you back... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 I'm really not proud of it but found out that she slept with someone else because I still have access to her messages and she was talking to someone about this. I'm not sure what to do Stop accessing her messages and go no contact for your own sake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 I know you're angry and hurt, but she isn't a skank. Since you also didn't hear it from her, you don't have any right to talk to her about her sex life either. I can understand why it stings, to be clear. Nobody wants to hear that their very recent ex is having sex with someone else. How did you discover this, anyway? It is likely that she checked out of your relationship a while ago. So when she actually broke up with you, she was already emotionally ahead of you in terms of feeling ready to move on. Maybe the guy is someone she met on her first night out as a single gal. Maybe he's been on her radar since before she ended it. Either way, it's not your business now. Wherever you got this information, put a stop to it. There is no reason for you to know the intimate details of her life any longer. EDIT: Just saw you snooped and read her messages and that's how you found out. There is nothing for you to do now, especially since you are behaving badly by even breaching her privacy like that. Stop doing this, immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 During our relationship we went through a lot together. I helped her with so much stuff and we had a ton of the same intrests. We did everything together. [/Quote] None of that matters now It even came to a point where she wanted to cut herself and was not in the right headspace, and I helped here talk to her parents and go to a psychologist. [/Quote] Doesn't matter She cried when she was breaking up with me, so I'm even more confused why she would do this already that quick. [/Quote] Just emotions but it doesn't change the facts. She's gone I'm really not proud of it but found out that she slept with someone else because I still have access to her messages and she was talking to someone about this. I'm not sure what to do Eliminate all contact. Let this go. She's moved on and you should too. Snooping will just keep you in this 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 I'm not sure what to do You're not entitled to do a damn thing, sorry to say. You are not her boyfriend anymore. What you SHOULD do is stop reading her private messages! It's none of your business. I'm sorry for your heartbreak, but you are invading her privacy. She moved on quickly because she was already emotionally checked out. She may have already met this person and that's what spurred her on to break up with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 You don't do anything. It's no longer your business. You grieve and then move on. No contact or anything. Anything else you do will just make you look pathetic and take your dignity. I'm sure she's grateful for the times you had, but it didn't work out, and she was done and is done. I'm sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 Hey there, She met this guy while you two were together and lined him up while slowly detaching from you. That's how she was able to do it. 100%. The thing with breakups are they don't happen over night. It starts months in advance. They start weighing out the pros and the cons of doing it. They start wondering if they're able to end it. They go into denial. They feel scared to. A whole mix of emotions occur during this period of time. At some point, they realize it's over for them and then it becomes about mentally preparing for it. That may take more time. At this point, a lot of people out there begin to open up to other potential partners and line them up for the role (A really weak thing to do in my books). The reason they do this and likely don't tell you is because they're unsure about what they want, are afraid it might be a mistake and they're regret it and are afraid to be alone. This occurs with largely insecure people. Being with someone whether they love them or not makes them feel safe and attractive. They validate their worth by their relationship status. As time goes on in this stage, the relationship begins to feel more and more like a rope around their neck and they feel more and more consumed by guilt knowing that they're going to hurt you. By the time they do end it, it feels like a relief. They're about 90% over the whole situation while you are in shock and likely unsuspected. For you..you're starting at 0% but they've evaluated the whole thing, they know why they're ending it, and it's really just done for them. They want to be out and away from it as soon as possible. That's why a lot of exes are cold right after a breakup. Your tears and your feelings make them feel like sh*t about themselves and they don't want any part of it. The remaining part of getting over you (10%) is more about learning how to live without you (Someone who is comfortable and familiar to them) in their life which they may struggle with. This is where you end up receiving those late night "I miss you" messages or those slip ups. This is also where they may say "Lets be friends" to keep that comfort and familiarity around as a training wheels to help them ween themselves off of you until they are completely done. Then they disconnect the wheels and ride off into the sunset on their own. Because you're vulnerable and carrying hope in the beginning that things can work out, you're liable to accept "friendship." When they break it off, wish them well and walk away. Leave a channel open for them to reach you but take them off of social media. Box all their gifts and posessions an keep it out of sight. Delete their number and the pictures off of your phone. If it's too hard to do that, then just write the number down somewhere and stow it some place where you can't see it and transfer those pics to a external hardrive or a cloud. Out of sight, out of mind...not to win them back..but to help you clear your head and return back to who you used to be so that you can be in emotional shape to live your life and meet someone new. - Beach 6 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 Some excellent advice above IMO. Sometimes the best thing to do is fully resolve to be over her, take some time to heal emotionally, and then move on to something equally good or hopefully even better and with more potential to last. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 I break up suddenly and without much forethought when things just get uncomfortable. But I'm usually on the other end of getting dumped..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jospêh Posted May 19, 2019 Author Share Posted May 19, 2019 I don't think she cheated. I know she was faithfull but we broke up 2 months ago already for a week, but then got back together. I'm starting to think that was the beginning of the end and she might have been detaching herself from me from then. The strange thing is that there were not really signs of this. She kept telling me she loved me and even last week we spend the whole afternoon telling each other what we all liked about each other. This is all just a shock to me and I don't know what to do. She was my first real relationship and I really thought we were soulmates. I know she is someone who sleeps quickly with someone because that's how we got together. After breaking up with her ex before me she slept with someone else a week later as well. After that we started talking to each other and only a month after that we slept together as well. 2 Months after that we made our relationship official. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 You don't actually know that 100%. That is just your spin on it. Some women monkey branch but not ALL women monkey branch. Yes, I agree. Maybe she had him lined up, yes, but we also can't rule out the possibility that it was a one-nighter with someone new, either. It is not that difficult for a single young woman to go out on the town and meet a guy who wants to take her home for a night, for example. Some are especially carefree after ending a longer-term relationship and don't shy away from the possibility of a spontaneous hookup. It doesn't necessarily mean she'd lined up this particular guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 Personally, I'm abrupt and don't have someone lined up the rare occasion I'm the dumper. Once I felt enormous relief. The other I felt guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 I'm sure she does love you as a person, but there will be many people in a person's life they can love but not make a life with or live with. So you move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 Just let it go, focus on you and move on. That's the best you can do. And sometimes the people that we help the most hurt us the most. It's sad but it's life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 I was in a relationship with a girl for a bit over 2 years. At the end we almost didn't have any sex with each other anymore. Now she broke up with me saying the relationship has burned out from her side. The reason she had sex so quickly sounds like she was starved for it in your relationship. She broke up with you so was ready to move on. It was going to happen sooner or later but sorry you're hurt. That is why it's best not to snoop on what if going on in her new life. Also if you have friends who tell you about her tell them to stop it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 (edited) .......This is all just a shock to me and I don't know what to do. She was my first real relationship and I really thought we were soulmates. So this is normal behaviour then. She's technically free to do as she pleases..though in my books, sleeping with someone a week after a long relationship, is insensitive. No one can blame you for feeling as you do. I can imagine many others feeling the same way in your shoes. Hell, the last girl I was with left me and bounced back to her ex-boyfriend of 4 years 3 days after we broke up. Makes you feel like worthless pile of crap. What you do is you let it be. Whether you want to be with her or not, it doesn't really matter. She doesn't want to be with you. So, you have no choice but to now look on into a future without her...and it's a horrible feeling. You have to do what you need to do to help, make dealing with the grief as easy as possible..ergo my previous advice on NC. You have to get her out of sight and out of mind. I tell you to take her off of social media (If you have her on it) so that you don't have to see her updates which only trigger pain and anxiety and tempt you to reach out to her again which only cause you more to dwell on. As well as this, box her possessions/gifts and keep it out of sight. write her number on a piece of paper and put it in the box as well. Move all her photos out of your computer and phone or whatever devices you use regularly that contain them. Worst thing you can do, is chase after her and push. Sometimes person wants out but after seeing what's out there, they may come to realize that you might have been the person for them. And that's why I tell you to leave one open channel of communication. Maybe your number or an email. This way she contacts you, you'll know. If you love her, don't yell at her. Believe me when I say, you want that ending to go smoothly. This will leave the door open should she ever choose to come back. I remember arguing a lot with an ex during a breakup and I always regretted my behaviour after. You dwell on that regret and it keeps you stuck. But if you leave smoothly, your future self, will thank you for it. There's really nothing to say to her. She made her choice. That action is a clear message. So, you respect it and walk and cry it out to anyone else but her. The NC will allow you to grieve and gain clarity about your situation and you'll find yourself in several months looking back at this moment with a different pair of eyes. For now, this is the first step. - Beach Edited May 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 (edited) Pretty offensive actually to women in general and the poor OP probably now thinks his gf cheated on him... Super helpful. Well done. I wasn't saying 100% of women do this. I was saying I was 100% sure she did. The fact that this woman can end a 2 year relationship and jump into bed with someone new a week later without a problem begs the question that either someone was hovering around in the picture while she was detaching (Though they may not have had sex), or like ExpatinItaly's good point, she could have likely met someone new inside of the week and had a quickie. This isn't a cheat at all so we are in agreement there. It happened after the breakup so she is technically justified. But having said that, I'd say it's still a pretty insensitive thing to do to the other person, given conversations, memories..the history..and I would feel and address this the same way if a guy did it to a woman. You mentioned that I mislead the OP..it seems he understood just fine, so that's that. - Beach Edited May 19, 2019 by Beachead Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 I don't think someone sleeping with another person soon after a breakup is insensitive to the ex. The relationship is over. Unless that person is telling the ex about the hookup, then I don't see how it's insensitive. Maybe not a great way to cope, sure, but not insensitive. I say these things as someone who had something similar happen to me, though it was a few weeks rather than a week. OP has learned a tough lesson that when you go snooping for information, you might not like what you find. I've learned this the hard way again and again. Ignorance can be bliss, especially once the relationship is over and there's nothing to repair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 (edited) I'm so sorry man. I know that we guys tend to think once she's had sex with someone after us, there's no chance for reconciliation. Prior to that, we think...maybe there's a chance. Like beachhead said, the break up has gone on for months. You can read into dating coaches which can show you the signs of a break up. For guys, we tend to think our love is cumulative. Like we did x, y, and z for all this time and we have a reserve bank of love. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Those years together and helping her through the tough times, don't matter in the end. Women are guided by emotion and emotions are in the moment. Women can be reckless when they are getting over heart break. Even though she broke up and didn't feel love from you anymore, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt her. She still misses your presence and is trying to fill it in by seeking attention from other men. The guy may have been someone she's lined up, or she could just be out there looking for male validation. At this point, it doesn't matter. Please stop trying to find out more. The context doesn't matter. The fact is, she did it and the bridge to reconciliation has been burned. No looking back. In some ways, this is better. I know it doesn't feel that way, but now you know you can never go back with her and you are forced to move on. She is now dead to you. Don't ever talk to her again, not even to tell her you know. Take a week to mourn the break up and contemplate what you learned from the relationship. What you did right and what you could have done better. Then just like someone that passed away, get back out there and find someone better. Edited May 19, 2019 by TheFinalWord Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 You only have one option: Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jospêh Posted May 20, 2019 Author Share Posted May 20, 2019 So the thing right now is: I haven't slept the whole night. I can't get any control over my heartbeat and my thoughts. I'm constantly thinking about her, and her getting together with the other guy. When we broke up I told everyone in my family I didn't wrote her of for the future, meaning that I could still see a future with her, if she would be able to go 100% for me. I've read a lot since yesterday and am feeling like she is just doing this as a rebound because she is afraid to face the feelings this break up brought with it. The thought that she will regret this and will start to miss me is taking over in my head, but if this will ever happen in uncertain ofcourse. We're in NC at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
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