Ex girlfriend had sex with another guy after less than a week

[elaine567]

TheFinalWord wrote;

Every time she breaks up with you, she has sex with someone else. This guy is just a fling and since you are broken up she can justify it in her own mind. Don't think this is the first time, that's why she can go from you to someone else so easy. This is just the first time you found out about it. She gets to have her cake and eat it too because once she gets the hoe out of her system, she can contact you and you take her right back."

 

You don't know that, that is a bit of a stretch...

[TheFinalWord]

You don't know that, that is a bit of a stretch...

 

I respectfully disagree. I've dated this type of woman, and this is what they do. What's more likely: She's done this before? Or this is the first time she's ever behaved this way? Acting like this in less than a week, tells me this isn't her first rodeo.

 

If I did this, I would feel guilty to contact my ex. She seems to have no problems continuing to contact him, trying to keep him emotionally engaged by picking an argument "I'm not cancelling for you again"...knowing she was with another guy in less than a week. She feels no shame. A person's conscience doesn't turn off like that if it's their first time behaving this way. It takes time to seer one's conscience.

Edited May 25, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[jospêh]

She did this before, but not with me. Or as far as I know of not with me.

I know she did this before after her breakup before we got together.

I thought that was different because she was in a really toxic relationship.

 

Ours wasn’t a toxic one.

 

I even keep dreaming about reconciliation at this point. There is just not a single way to get my mind to stop thinking about it

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

There is just not a single way to get my mind to stop thinking about it

 

Those thoughts are involuntary. It has do with what's going on in your brain chemically. Your brain is still programmed to be with her. To talk to her, think about her. To fulfill the routines of the relationship. Now, it's over and that program doesn't apply to your life anymore but your mind is still carrying it out. This is why you can't stop thinking about her or why you may feel a void in your life. You'll have to live your days out in this new routine for some time and as the months pass, your mind will begin to slowly reprogram. With that, you'll notice that feeling of being locked into endless thoughts fading. The emotions will become less intense. Etc. All you can do for now is let it be and let yourself feel. That's the only way you're going to begin to work through the pain and move passed it. The only way those thoughts will subside. Also, keep living your life but be gentle with yourself. Don't take on too much but also don't stay bedridden.

Edited May 25, 2019 by Beachead

[5x5]

jospêh Have you considered, being with another woman or other women to help get your mind off her?

 

So perhaps you might follow her example. In my experience, enjoying fun with others is a great way to move on.

[Beachead]

@5x5

 

I'd say that's good advice after 6 months minimum. Not right now.

 

He just broke up with his ex and doesn't understand his emotions nor is he sure of what's coming next. Introducing new feelings and new variables while confused like this, is a disaster waiting to happen. He's going to end up grieving his ex, while with someone new. He won't be able to make sense of his feelings nor process is grief properly. That'll complicate life. People will get hurt including him and that'll end up being more for him to dwell on.

 

He needs to simplify his life for awhile to sort out his head.

Edited May 25, 2019 by Beachead

[5x5]

@Beachead

 

That may be the case. Yet that being so is an extraordinary reaction, that ought to be discouraged and or addressed by some sort of counselling or psychiatric help.

 

By choosing to move on and have fun with others, one will be less inclined to spend their time dwelling on the past or superfluously pondering what might have been.

 

At the end of the day when romantic/sexual relationship end, exes don't owe any fidelity to their previous partners. And are free to move on and enjoy themselves, even within minutes of breaking up with someone.

 

Acceptance that reality, and moving on with ones own life. Is a more healthy approach than choosing to wallow in self pity, while nursing ones wounds interminably into the future.

 

jospêh's ex has moved on, he would do well to try and do the same.

 

Of which it also comes to confidence. Whenever someone fails to overcome an obstacle, it is far better for them to face that obstacle and get over it. Than to avoid it for fear of failure, which makes it harder to address the longer one avoids overcoming their fears.

[jospêh]

I just don’t feel like being with someone else right now.

 

When I was in my relationship I always looked at other girls but never even for a second the intention to be with someone else except for my girlfriend.

 

I’m also just not the playboy type that has the opportunity to sleep around and have another girl each weekend. The past has showen this to me. I was actually really glad that I was in a relationship and didn’t have to try and make moves on girls at party’s because I knew I had a good one at home.

 

Before I got into a relationship with this girl I was single for 7 years. I enjoyed my time alone because I could do whatever I wanten but I always knew that being in a relationship would be so much nicer. And this had proeven itself to me. I almost only have positive memories about our relationship, only the break up now is really crap.

[elaine567]

I respectfully disagree. I've dated this type of woman, and this is what they do. What's more likely: She's done this before? Or this is the first time she's ever behaved this way? Acting like this in less than a week, tells me this isn't her first rodeo.

As I said before you don't KNOW that.

Just because you have messed with this "type of woman" before means nothing as regards the OP's gf.

 

Plenty guys go out the night of the break up and sleep with the first women they meet, are all men like that or just a "type of man" or does it depend on the circumstances? It usually just depends on the circumstances...

Like here we do not know this girl, we know little about why she went off with some guy she met, suggesting she is a loose woman who is sleeping around with Tom Dick and Harry because your girl did that, is not logical, nor based on fact.

[TheFinalWord]

As I said before you don't KNOW that.

Just because you have messed with this "type of woman" before means nothing as regards the OP's gf..

 

I never said I knew that 100%. If all we can make comments are on is 100% pure scientific facts, we should all log off. This is a opinion based website and that's my opinion and I'm allowed to have it. I'm not breaking the forum rules. That's my hunch and I'm sticking to it.

 

I'm not attacking women in general. This woman had no problem sleeping with a guy a week after they broke up and they've broken up 3 times before. She keeps contacting him even after doing that and apparently feels no guilt. She's either narcissistic, or this isn't her first rodeo. My hunch is she's done this to him before, he just now found out about it. That's my opinion.

Edited May 25, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[preraph]

I just don’t feel like being with someone else right now.

 

When I was in my relationship I always looked at other girls but never even for a second the intention to be with someone else except for my girlfriend.

 

I’m also just not the playboy type that has the opportunity to sleep around and have another girl each weekend. The past has showen this to me. I was actually really glad that I was in a relationship and didn’t have to try and make moves on girls at party’s because I knew I had a good one at home.

 

Before I got into a relationship with this girl I was single for 7 years. I enjoyed my time alone because I could do whatever I wanten but I always knew that being in a relationship would be so much nicer. And this had proeven itself to me. I almost only have positive memories about our relationship, only the break up now is really crap.

 

You're choosing to stay mired in the emotions of this failed relationship rather than move forward. You have to accept reality. The reality is this woman doesn't care nearly as much about you as you do about her. You are not her ideal man. She is enjoying being single. She is not who you hoped she was, which is someone whose ideal man is you. Even if she came back, you'd have to live knowing that she doesn't care nearly as much as you do and that that isn't going to change.

[Caauug]

You're choosing to stay mired in the emotions of this failed relationship rather than move forward. You have to accept reality. The reality is this woman doesn't care nearly as much about you as you do about her. You are not her ideal man. QUOTE]

 

 

 

OP this is so true.

 

 

Most/all of us here have been in your shoes, people handle there problems differently what works for some may not work for others. We are all trying to help.....

 

 

What worked for me when my STBXW dropped the bomb about the affair, well a few months after when the weather dried up.... DRUGS, the self made ones the body makes with exercise..... I am not a gym person but my brother had a bicycle so after work I use to take it for a ride around town at night, when I needed a breather I would stop into the local pub for a beer then back for more of a ride for an other hour or so. Doing this took my mind away from my worries, was good for me and most important made me feel good about myself. It was good to put the stress on hold. 3 or 4 times a week but not every night. It was great for the body and the sole....

[Beachead]

@Beachead

 

That may be the case. Yet that being so is an extraordinary reaction, that ought to be discouraged and or addressed by some sort of counselling or psychiatric help.

 

By choosing to move on and have fun with others, one will be less inclined to spend their time dwelling on the past or superfluously pondering what might have been.

 

At the end of the day when romantic/sexual relationship end, exes don't owe any fidelity to their previous partners. And are free to move on and enjoy themselves, even within minutes of breaking up with someone.

 

Acceptance that reality, and moving on with ones own life. Is a more healthy approach than choosing to wallow in self pity, while nursing ones wounds interminably into the future.

 

jospêh's ex has moved on, he would do well to try and do the same.

 

Of which it also comes to confidence. Whenever someone fails to overcome an obstacle, it is far better for them to face that obstacle and get over it. Than to avoid it for fear of failure, which makes it harder to address the longer one avoids overcoming their fears.

 

That's not how people grieve.

 

If you've been dumped by someone you love, it hurts and it hurts for a long time. Even though you might understand your situation, it's unlikely you've accepted it. The reason being is there is always trace hope and it takes time to break that apart. There is a cycle of ups and downs one goes through for some time. Over that time, you slowly put together the big picture and come to realize your situation. Acceptance arrives from THAT. By process, healing is slow by nature.

 

Your suggestion to jump into dating, casual sex , relationships whilst in this process only works temporarily. It is just a means to distract or bury pain. Unsorted pain will resurface again, down the road IN the relationship. I know this because people did to me, what you're advising OP to do. It was torturous journey to get back and I'm very aware of others who've been through it as well.

 

As a partner, potential partner and/or just a human being in general, you should recognize that you hold a degree of accountability and responsibility to the other person's state of mind and even well-being because this person has chosen to invest in you. They have a life too. Goals. Responsibilities. People they could have given a chance to. By jumping into a relationship unsorted, just to get over some past flame, you not only spit on the trust they gave you and the risk they took on you, you can damage that person for life.

 

There are better ways to heal. Despite 3 breakups, I was able to move passed the pain without resorting to using or hurting anyone, each and everytime. It can be done.

 

- Beach

Edited May 25, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

After all this I’m still wondering if she misses me. I can’t shake the thought of it. Up until now I’ve read a thousand articles about break up and no contact rule and all those things.

 

I still want her to miss me, I want her to miss me like hell. I want her to know what she lost, what I did for her and how happy I made her at some point in the relationship. I’m guessing this feeling is not wrong, but it’s hard that it’s unanswered and probably will be for a very long time to come.

[5x5]

Since she has moved on, it is highly likely she isn't missing you at all.

 

So do feel free to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start moving forward one foot in front of the other.

[elaine567]

After all this I’m still wondering if she misses me.

I still want her to miss me, I want her to miss me like hell. I want her to know what she lost, what I did for her and how happy I made her at some point in the relationship.

That is because your ego doesn't like being rejected. You want her to tell your ego, that you she sees you as a valued person, that you mean a lot to her and that she is wrong for dumping you.

Trouble is, she deliberately took herself out of your life, she didn't feel the same as you do, and she has moved on to pastures new.

She no doubt feels she did the right thing.

I am not saying she may not sometimes feel a bit of nostalgia for "times gone by" with you, but she is young, the world is her oyster, life is too short...

 

Dating is about finding someone you gel with, exploring options, having fun, she didn't gel with you so she moved on, as you will do too.

[ExpatInItaly]

I still want her to miss me, I want her to miss me like hell. I want her to know what she lost, what I did for her and how happy I made her at some point in the relationship. I’m guessing this feeling is not wrong, but it’s hard that it’s unanswered and probably will be for a very long time to come.

 

It's normal to feel this way after a break-up. I would say that most dumpees experience the above thoughts when the relationship ends before they're ready to let go.

 

One thing to keep in mind, though, is how good of a match she really was for you. You say you did many things for her, supported her - which is great. But did you get the same level of investment from her too? If she's left three times now, I would venture to say that she just wasn't committed the same way you were and the relationship was off-balance as a result. I just don't think you've lost the best partner you will ever have.

[jospêh]

It's normal to feel this way after a break-up. I would say that most dumpees experience the above thoughts when the relationship ends before they're ready to let go.

 

One thing to keep in mind, though, is how good of a match she really was for you. You say you did many things for her, supported her - which is great. But did you get the same level of investment from her too? If she's left three times now, I would venture to say that she just wasn't committed the same way you were and the relationship was off-balance as a result. I just don't think you've lost the best partner you will ever have.

 

Actually she did a lot of things for me as well. I feel like the effort was almost split equally. When we were together she was actually a really nice and loving person, the one who takes care of you when you’re sick and does other BS all the time for you.

 

So that makes it even harder to let go.

[ExpatInItaly]

Actually she did a lot of things for me as well. I feel like the effort was almost split equally. When we were together she was actually a really nice and loving person, the one who takes care of you when you’re sick and does other BS all the time for you.

 

So that makes it even harder to let go.

 

And yet, she has broken up with you three times. What I meant in my previous post is that the emotional investment was off-balance, with you evidently being more seriously invested than she was.

 

I am sure she is generally a caring person and once felt the same way about you that you did her, but for whatever reason, her feelings just didn't run as deeply as yours did any longer.

[Blanco]

It's difficult to process in the moment, but someone who has left you three times is definitely not right for you.

[Highndry]

You're ruminating, obsessing and fantasizing, Jospeh. Try to do things to take your mind off the situation. The more you hang on, think about her and maintain contact with her, the worse you're making it for yourself.

[Beachead]

Actually she did a lot of things for me as well. I feel like the effort was almost split equally. When we were together she was actually a really nice and loving person, the one who takes care of you when you’re sick and does other BS all the time for you.

 

So that makes it even harder to let go.

 

You're in pain and going through withdrawal right now and this distorts the way you look back on your relationship.

 

I'd advise you to focus more on that. Buy a notebook or use your computer and journal out your thoughts, everyday. Focus the writing more on the behaviours she displayed that upset you during the relationship. Think about the fights and the series of events that led to all breakups + the fact that she screwed a guy not a week after that last breakup.

 

This is going to help you counter that rose coloured distorted view you have of your relationship where she was queen that could do no wrong. Read these journals everyday to keep you grounded.

 

I've used this technique to help me in the past and it's worked.

Edited May 26, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

You're in pain and going through withdrawal right now and this distorts the way you look back on your relationship.

 

I'd advise you to focus more on that. Buy a notebook or use your computer and journal out your thoughts, everyday. Focus the writing more on the behaviours she displayed that upset you during the relationship. Think about the fights and the series of events that led to all breakups + the fact that she screwed a guy not a week after that last breakup.

 

This is going to help you counter that rose coloured distorted view you have of your relationship where she was queen that could do no wrong. Read these journals everyday to keep you grounded.

 

I've used this technique to help me in the past and it's worked.

 

We actually never really had a fight. We had some disaggreements but always were able to work a solution out for the both of us.

 

There wasn’t a single event that was a clear marker to leading to any of the breakups. That’s why it came as a surprise every time over and over again.

 

I really thought we had almost the perfect relationship, but only were really bad in the sexual part. We cuddled a lot, so it’s not that she didn’t want any physical contact, but when it came to sex we didn’t really have an interesting story to tell from the last 6 months...

[ExpatInItaly]

I really thought we had almost the perfect relationship, but only were really bad in the sexual part. We cuddled a lot, so it’s not that she didn’t want any physical contact, but when it came to sex we didn’t really have an interesting story to tell from the last 6 months...

 

That's a big part, OP. Sexual intimacy is what distinguishes a good friendship from a romantic relationship. Sexual desire ebbs and flows, but if it's consistently not great, and disappears almost completely for months, then you have a significant problem. A good relationship needs sexual compatibility.

 

It is going to be hard to swallow, but I think she started to see you more as a friend. Sometimes there is no logical explanation for it either. I know when I was checking out of a long-term relationship (years ago now) I didn't want to sleep with my then-boyfriend either. I wasn't totally ready to admit I wasn't in love with him anymore, but I just couldn't bring myself to get intimate when I no longer felt that way about him. I am guessing that's a big part of what happened with your ex, too.

[jospêh]

That's a big part, OP. Sexual intimacy is what distinguishes a good friendship from a romantic relationship. Sexual desire ebbs and flows, but if it's consistently not great, and disappears almost completely for months, then you have a significant problem. A good relationship needs sexual compatibility.

 

It is going to be hard to swallow, but I think she started to see you more as a friend. Sometimes there is no logical explanation for it either. I know when I was checking out of a long-term relationship (years ago now) I didn't want to sleep with my then-boyfriend either. I wasn't totally ready to admit I wasn't in love with him anymore, but I just couldn't bring myself to get intimate when I no longer felt that way about him. I am guessing that's a big part of what happened with your ex, too.

 

I can understand that. I'm still hoping this might come back in the future but this probably won't. I feel like when this would come back, we still would make a chance.

 

It was frustrating for me as well because in general I knew that that was a problem, but I was always ready to go and wanted to make a real effort to get her there as well.

 

I know this was probably a big part since we talked about it a lot. I've lost 8 kg over the past two weeks and maybe when she sees me again in some time she might feel different, I don't know...