Ex girlfriend had sex with another guy after less than a week

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

She broke your heart and it hurts and as much as you try to not feel that hurt, you feel it, because it was crappy situation. On top of that, it was your first heartbreak so that does kick up the pain a little bit more. But, let that pain be and embrace it. It's not going anywhere so stop fighting it and stop being ashamed of it. There is nothing wrong with it.

 

And at the same time, you carry forward.

 

As Blanco said, you don't have any other experience to compare it so ofcourse you would feel like she was the one..and also like he stated, there really is no "The One." I once thought my childhood crush was the one. After years, I finally had the nerve to ask her out and when I did, she turned me down. I didn't know what to do with myself after that having pursued her for so long, and making it my mind that we'd end up together. It certainly felt like the end of the world. Well, time went, I continued to live my life. Went onto get my mind back on track and met tons of other women from school, work, social events, travels, weddings etc. over the years. Got into 3 relationships afterwards. All of whom I ended up discovering I could care for, after the previous relationship, just as much and if not, more. Now, when I think about that original girl, it feels like a different time. Another life. I just don't feel that passion or fire anymore, nor the hurt. Not just that, but I realized life keeps going and the time and the life you live after her, will make you move passed it, whether you want to or not.

 

You're going to see that happen for yourself as well.

Edited June 22, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

I went to a BBQ of a friend yesterday and she was there as well. I didn’t know she was comming over there, because if I had I would have stayed away.

 

Seeing her makes it actually so much worse. She looked really sexy, and at those events I can’t stop remembering I went home with her on previous events like that.

 

We didn’t really talk to each other about everything that happened but there was a little bit of interaction concerning a drinking game, but nothing more.

 

I know I’m hurt, and I know for a fact it will take me a very long time to get over this. I just hate that I’m sitting here in pain and she seems to have no problem with the break up at all. Ofcourse there is no way of knowing if she misses me yes or no, but it seems like she doesn’t.

 

I still want to be with her and feel stupid for this.

 

I’m the guy who believen in the one, and in staying with one person for the rest of your life. I don’t see myself or want to be in another 5 Relationships to be honest, I feel like when I meet someone and I start a relationship it’s with the thought of it being forever. I’m also not a player or something like that so I probably won’t be going on a lot of dates either when I’m ready for it. I hate having to go out and find girls to hit on, I love the thought of someone being in your life already... When I’m writing this I feel like I haven’t embraced the single life for one little bit.

Edited June 23, 2019 by jospêh

[ExpatInItaly]

It's normal that you still want her, OP. The break-up wasn't that long ago; it will take much more time to reach the point of relative indifference about her.

 

The truth is that when a dumper is done with a relationship - truly done - they generally don't miss their exes in a romantic way. They might miss the companionship but that's about as far as it goes when someone really wanted out. I'm sorry man, but I think that's where her head is at. She'd been ready to move on for a long time.

Edited June 23, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[preraph]

You have got to get more realistic. All this business about the one is nonsense. The truth is if you can find one you get along with long-term then you can find another one. There's no one who was predestined to be together. It's all about how compatible they are to how many different people.

[Highndry]

I just hate that I’m sitting here in pain and she seems to have no problem with the break up at all. Of course there is no way of knowing if she misses me yes or no, but it seems like she doesn’t.

 

 

She broke up with you. She did not want to be with you anymore. She tried you out and you were not the guy she was looking for. She slept with another guy immediately. She doesn't miss you, she wants somebody else. Stay away from her, and try to stop thinking of her.

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

I still want to be with her and feel stupid for this.

 

Part of this because you cared about her and you're brokenhearted.

 

The other part is about self-deception.

 

You believe in the one. You believe she was the one. How could "the one" leave you? More importantly, how could you not see this happening?

 

Makes you question your ability to suss out a lifetime partner and also question your belief system right to the core because it forces you to think about life in a different way (AKA rude awakenings). And sometimes, because that's so difficult and painful to deal with, we deceive ourself by fixating on an idea that supports our personal biases about life, relationships, people or whatever it is. It's easier to comfort ourselves with that than to face this miserable truth and press on forward. In this case, to you, she's "The one that got away" rather than "the wrong person, amongst the MANY people you will meet over your lifetime.." because in this way, it still means she was the one, and in some way, still allows you to remain connected to them AND retain what you believe in.

Edited June 23, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

I know it probably doesn't mean anything but still want your opinion about something.

 

When we were at that BBQ and were playing the drinking game I had to drink quite a lot because of her, so I told her you're getting me drunk! And she replied with 'yeah it's fun when your drunk'. I immediately thought back at a moment we had a bit before we broke where she said to me that I could be quite annoying when I'm drunk, which is actually the complete opposite of what she told me at the BBQ.

 

Another thing I'm wondering about is that, when we were together she often would ask me what to wear, and so that I could help her choose. I most of the times chose a skirt or a dress, but she never really liked wearing any of that, but now at the BBQ she was wearing a skirt, but this probably won't mean anything.

 

The last thing is that a very good friend of mine is her cousin. They went for a walk together with the family on sunday, and he told me she talked about things we did together or remembered things we did together at least 3 times during the day.

 

Let me know what you think. I actually feel like I shouldn't look in to it as much as this since actually the only clear message would be 'I miss you and want you back' but still can't stop from thinking about the rest as well.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're grasping at straws, man.

[5x5]

@jospêh surely you have something better to do, than continuing to waste your life carrying on like this to no end?

[Beachead]

@ospêh

 

What you're doing here is why people on here continue to advise you cut off the connections. It doesn't have to be a permanent thing but it does have to happen for awhile until you get your bearings right, because your compass is all over the place.

 

Her recalling good memories but doesn't translate into what you're hoping for. Just because a person broke up with you, didn't mean it was all bad to them. After all, they did laugh and have good times at one point as well, but they break up knowing what we bring to the table isn't what they're ultimately looking for, knowing they don't see a future with us. They know it, when we don't know it, even if they're not ready to admit it or accept it.

 

Let me remind you, the only reason you've found this new material to dwell on, is because you have way too many indirect/direct connections to her, that you stubbornly cling to, that are feeding into your weaknesses. (Ex. Going to these mutual events, having a mutual friend that's HER family. Having her on IG. Being on that online soccer thread with the current guy she's with) And within all that, you're looking for some kind of hope that'll allow you to fantasize on the idea she'll come back.

 

I'll remind you she had 3 opportunities, granted by you, to work on this relationship. Three chances. Instead, she left each and every time. So unless her stroll down memory lane manifests itself into something palpable, such as her physically returning, with a proper explanation as to why she continues to break your heart (And even then..), there's nothing you should take seriously here.

 

You still think of her decision to leave you as spontaneous and unplanned. If you don't take her seriously or get serious with yourself, you will continue fishing for hope and everyday you could have thought about something (or someone) different, you'll spend holding your mind hostage to the past. That may not seem like a big deal in the course of a day, but over time, each day and the compounding effect it has on you and your life, will add up and you will find yourself taking considerably longer to heal, than you need to.

 

- Beach

Edited June 25, 2019 by Beachead

[Highndry]

You're fantasizing, Jospeh. If she wanted to be with you she'd never have broken up with you. Women will never risk losing a guy they love and are determined to be with.

[nolanola]

OP, please listen to those of us here telling you to go full NC. Meaning NO COMMUNICATION OF ANY KIND. Don't ask about them, don't be in places where they will be, don't look at their social media, etc. Be honest with yourself. You are still trying to keep tabs on her. And I understand, because you're hurting and you miss her. But you are NEVER going to let her go if you keep this up. You need to be real with yourself. You are looking for any signs that she might regret that she broke up. But why would she regret it? You haven't left her alone at all.

 

My Dad always says "never judge someone's insides by their outsides". Meaning that we don't know what someone is thinking just because they seem happy or content. You will drive yourself crazy worrying about every tiny thing that she does or says. Or what she's wearing. Do you want to be sitting here a year from now talking about what she might have meant when she wore a skirt? While she's moving on and dating other people? Please stop. If nothing else, no woman wants to date a man she doesn't respect. And she won't respect you if you keep acting like this. Let her go and disappear. Let her wonder where you went. Are you dating someone new? Have you gotten over her? Let her wonder about this. Take some power back.

[jospêh]

You are still trying to keep tabs on her. And I understand, because you're hurting and you miss her. But you are NEVER going to let her go if you keep this up. You need to be real with yourself. You are looking for any signs that she might regret that she broke up. But why would she regret it? You haven't left her alone at all.

 

You might be right that I'm trying to keep tabs on her. All this overthinking is making me completely crazy and I don't know how long I'll be able to do it, but I don't know how to stop it either.

 

I'm trying to do NC as good as I can. I never initiated contact with her at all since the break up, and even though I'm probably doing quite some things wrong, I'm still proud of it that I haven't initiated contact even once.

 

It's very hard to not see her at some points, I'm doing my very best but we live very close to each other and have the same group of friends. It's like with the BBQ last weekend, I didn't know she going there, because if I had known I wouldn't have went there.

 

I'm trying to avoid her as much as possible.

 

I do feel better already in comparison to the first 3 weeks of the break up, and have made some personal improvements as well. I started writing down everything I'm feeling in letter at the end of the day. It's like a letter to myself/to her, but I'm never going to send it. At this point I'm living with a constant stress and don't know how to shake it. Even working out and exercising is not helping.

[TheFinalWord]

You can go NC if you really wanted, just like she could be with you if she really wanted.

 

You don't really want NC and she really doesn't want to be with you.

 

For at least 6 months, block her number and all social media. Don't interact with common social groups unless you can confirm she won't be there first.

 

If you keep doing this, you'll never get past it.

 

Dude she HAD SEX with a player less than a week after you broke up, and probably during the relationship. Sure she might be say thing things like "you're fun when you're drunk"...some women like keeping men in their back pocket. It's sick, but she isn't the best person in the world so it wouldn't surprise me. Bottom line, she isn't with you and it was her choice. Even if she regrets it at some point, she'll never tell you. Women know how to hide their emotions. They're way more in tune than men are. The way you are 10x stronger physically, women are 10x more empathic, emotionally. The way they'll never know what it feels like to have the power to tear things apart with your bare hands, you'll never know what it's like to feel emotions on 10 different levels.

 

You need to go NC, or keep suffering. Your choice...

 

 

Do you have any hobbies? Can all these friends you have take you out for a guy's night? You need to do something to distract your mind. Not drinking either. Something constructive and fun.

Edited June 27, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[nolanola]

OP, I do understand. I still twist myself in knots sometimes thinking about my ex and why he did or said something. Trying to understand is our brain's way of trying to cope. When we feel hurt and abandoned I think it's natural to expect that. But you have to keep reminding yourself of WHAT IS. Not what you think something might be or what it could be or what she might mean. WHAT IS. What is: you guys are broken up and she is moving on. That is all you know for sure. And I totally agree with @TheFInalWord: she could get back together if she really wanted to. This is the only thing we can know with certainty.

 

I also agree that it is imperative for you to break off all contact. You've been doing well in not reaching out to her. You've got to put yourself first and avoid seeing her or hearing about her. I think 6 months is a great goal and I will bet once you get to 6 months you will realize you have to keep going.

 

I know some people might disapprove of this thought process, but I think anything that keeps you in NC is fine. Think of it this way: women often don't think they want a guy until some other woman wants him. That happened to me with a high school boyfriend. I was a lot more immature at that time, but judging by what you've said about this woman, I'd say it's a good guess. Go silent and let her wonder if you're interested in someone else. As @TheFinalWord said, she likes knowing she has you in her back pocket. Imagine how she will feel when she thinks she's lost you and you've disappeared. Let that motivate you to be NC, if nothing else will work.

 

I also think that one thing that is important in break ups is to regain your self respect. Being dumped is such a blow to the ego and self worth. You've got to do something to take some power back. Let NC be it. Show her with your actions that you aren't willing to be her fallback guy and that you will walk if she doesn't treat you well. Stick to what you say: she won't like it but she will respect it.

[jospêh]

I try to keep my free time as filled up as possible and try to hang out with my friends as much as possible to keep my mind of things. When I’m not with my friends I read on LoveShack, watch YouTube video’s about breakups and watch a serie.

 

This all helps, but the moments I’m alone I’m still overthinking everything. This week I feel stressed out all the time without any reason, I can feel this in my body and I can’t seem to calm down.

 

I’m going to try meditating to get my stress level down and need to find a way to stop thinking about her and stop overthinking about the situation.

[crispytoast]

A piece of advice I received about breakups was don't obsessively listen to sad music about breakups or watch TV/movies about breakups because it keeps you focused on your breakup. I think watching YouTube videos about breakups in your spare alone time isn't helping you get over your breakup either. You might even want to cut back on your exposure to LoveShack. You have many pages of advice and we keep on returning to the same loop. You know what you have to do and you are in denial about doing it, trying to find any reason that maybe just maybe you can logically think yourself into a way to get your ex back. You say that you want to start meditation. Another piece of advice that I will give you: you can meditate anytime and anywhere. When you find yourself thinking about your ex, focus on your breathing and clear your mind. Take a deep full breath in, give a deep full breath out. Do this every time you think of her. Those thoughts are not needed, they are not productive.

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

Meditation is good idea.

 

Also, as I mentioned before, writing is powerful and as certainly helped me not just get my pain out, but refocus my thoughts towards the direction they need to be. Focusing on 2 things you are grateful for in life and writing them out on paper everyday. Also, focusing your thoughts onto your life plan, by setting up short-term, mid-term and long-term goals to achieve what you hope to accomplish. With focus and direction, you'll shift your mind from your rearview mirror to the road ahead.

 

Another thing I'd highly recommend is exercise. Go for a swim, try yoga, running or a bike ride. Start going to gym and hit the weights (Don't listen to music when doing this though). You want to focus on your workout..focus on the burn you feel in your muscles, focus on each stride, each repetition you do. It too acts as a form of meditation because you're training your mind to focus on one thing.

 

You can also join a club level sport or an activity that allows you to correct some of your weak points. For instances, if you're shy but want to meet more people, sign up for activities that force you to work as part of a team with a group of people. You'll naturally develop a bond. If you want to improve a skill or learn one from scratch, you can take up activities that target that.

 

Done all of these things, hence why I preach it, and it's helped. I clarify, it does not cure you but it does help get you focused on and working towards where you need to be.

 

The rest is just about letting your pain be while using it to ignite you and get you working on yourself.

 

- Beach

Edited June 27, 2019 by Beachead

[Limiya]

The first time I had a bad breakup, I did exactly this.

I joined a choir in a theatre, so I had to be at rehearsals 3X a week after work. Then I would go and do a dance class other nights of the week.

Not only that but I also started looking after a horse for a friend on weekends, and that was very therapeutic, cleaning out the stables, grooming, riding etc. Looking after an animal was very calming.

 

 

I made myself so exhausted I would just pass out at the end of the day.

I would still cry myself to sleep, but at least it wasn't constant crying all day every day like I was doing before.

 

 

This is what i'm aiming for now. I'm starting to make plans to keep me occupied and focussed.

[Beachead]

@Limiya

 

Yep, that's good.

 

Only thing I caution regarding this, is not to make yourself so busy that you running from one thing to the next. It's just as important to allow some breathing room and alone time to sit back and let yourself feel what's going on inside, which is crucial to getting passed things. Otherwise, taking up a new schedule can end up functioning as a means to escape the pain, rather than a way to assist healing. Similar to starting a new relationship or excessively dating immediately after a breakup or turning to alcohol or drugs.

Edited June 27, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

I have quite the update and really need your opinions. I don't know if I did something stupid or not.

 

So I went to a festival this weekend where I normally would have went to with my ex. She was there as well with a friend on the first day and alone on the second day. The first day I saw her a few times, and I'm pretty sure she saw me as well because it seemed as she was always trying to come and stand in my sight for each concert I was looking at. I didn't initiate any contact though.

 

On the second day I was walking around in a tent before a concert, and I saw her laying against the side of a tent, and it seemed as she was sleeping or drugged or something like that, so to be sure I just checked in with her. We talked for bit but just kept it casual.

 

We saw each other a few times during the day, and spent some time alone as well. She texted me during the day as well. I challenged her for a race home (just for fun but not to do anything crazy), and the winner would get a price. She suggested that the loser had to take the winner to the movies and had to pay for them. So I agreed.

 

I came home at around 3 AM, and she was still texting me, and she told me she was eating something good, so I told her I wanted that as well. She invited me to come over at 3.30 AM to come over while she had to go to work at 6:45 AM.

 

I went over there and we just talked and hung out together outside of her house, but I could sense she didn't wanted to go to sleep and wanted to stay there with me. Eventually at 4:50 AM she was going to go to bed, but before I felt I kissed her. I figured like 'If a girl contacts you to come over that late, it's not without any intentions'.

 

So I kissed her before leaving, and she didn't push me away or anything, she went along with it.

 

Ever since then she has been texting me until early in the morning.

 

I feel like in the sense of moving on this was a bad move for me to do, and I don't know what she wants out of this. I might just have to talk to her about everything and ask what her intentions are.

 

I don't want to take her back this second either, to much has happened for that and I feel if she really wants to start something again, she will have to prove a lot to me.

[ExpatInItaly]

You’re setting yourself to be the filler until she starts dating someone, OP.

[jospêh]

You’re setting yourself to be the filler until she starts dating someone, OP.

 

That's why I feel like I need to talk to her, because I don't want to be in that place. If this is the case it's better for me to shut it down right now.

 

But I don't want to scare her away by talking to her either...

[fly_again]

She's probably lonely and uses you to feel better. She slept with someone else 1 week after the BU, it says everything.

 

Let me tell you a short story. When my ex broke up with me for another guy, things didn't go well for her and a few weeks later she got rejected. She started to text me things like she misses the fact that someone thinks about her all the day, she misses the morning messages, to feel loved, etc. It's obvious she has already moved on weeks ago but still, she came back to tell me she misses to be in a relationship and wanted my attention.

 

I think this is a very similar situation. There are women who don't like to be alone, because they always need validation. Once they found the new toy, she'll throw you away again. And you don't need to think about if it's a normal relationship or not, because she'll do whatever she wants, considering that she has zero respect for you. We feel the vulnerability through your messages, pretty obvious she perfectly knows it as well. I like to use the Toy Story analogy: you're Woody, the cowboy who entertains her until Buzz, the new hero comes.

 

Anyway, the fact that you're scared to talk to her about this is also shows huge problems. There's no question you're broken and extremely vulnerable. You need time to build yourself up again. If there's only one reason why it won't work with her, it's because you're afraid of losing her, thanks to your emotional state (I don't blame you; she uses you, I'm just saying that this one reason would be enough to realize that it's not gonna work). Don't let her play with you, you're stronger than that.

Edited July 1, 2019 by fly_again

[jospêh]

@fly_again

 

You make a lot of sense. I'm not being vulnerable when talking to her. I don't show her anything I feel about doubts, I keep my remarks and thoughts about everything on LS.

 

I don't want to be strung along so I will have to talk to her to see what her intentions are, but I think it might be just a little to soon, so I probably will wait it out for a bit to see where it goes and then have to talk to her.