Ex girlfriend had sex with another guy after less than a week

[preraph]

Most women aren't going to go back to a guy just because their family likes him. Glad you maintained well through the event and didn't crack and were able to politely smile. That's good. Well done.

[Beachead]

 

This mostly hurts as well because I feel replaced right now and that she actually told me she had a lot of trouble being alone, and that she had to work on herself and learn to be alone. But that’s absolutely not what she is doing at this point.

 

Yes, and now you can see how full of sh*t she is.

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

Also, her stating she wanted to be alone to work on herself and yet, bounced into something new is why I am almost certain she knew this guy while she was with you. It's unlikely for someone who's afraid to be alone to risk leaving a stable thing with you, to find some random guy she's never met nor has any connection with. This is exactly why I think she must have somehow met this guy while with you, and ended up having conversations with him, without your knowing. That's why you shouldn't be with her. Relationships to her aren't a bond between two people. It's a means to validate herself and escape her fears. If you two got back together again, do you really think it'll be because she loves you or would be because she's just afraid to be alone? And how long would that 4th go at it last, before she meets someone else and leaves you for them.

Edited June 9, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

@jospêh

 

Also, her being afraid to be alone is exactly why shouldn't be with her. She uses relationships as a means to escape her fears. If you two got back together again, do you really think it'll be because she loves you or would be because she's just afraid to be alone?

 

If she would come back right now or within a few week I'm most certainly sure it would be because she is afraid of being alone. I wouldn't be able to take her back right now either because of what I know, and I feel like not a single thing would have changed.

 

If she would come back after a serious amount of time, then I'm not sure and would like to find out through a serious coversation (If I'm stilling willing to at that point in time).

 

So I only see a reconsiliation possible in a far future where she has actually worked on herself. I'm trying to work on myself as well but a lot of friends and family I talked to always told me I never did anything wrong and treated her like a princess, and that I shouldn't change because I'm a great guy.

[ExpatInItaly]

So I only see a reconsiliation possible in a far future where she has actually worked on herself. I'm trying to work on myself as well but a lot of friends and family I talked to always told me I never did anything wrong and treated her like a princess, and that I shouldn't change because I'm a great guy.

 

I would say the only thing you should work on, from what you have posted here, is identifying and asserting your own boundaries more. If you let someone back into your life after they have broken up with you a couple times, you need to be asking yourself why you aren't confident enough to walk away.

 

This will help you weed out the girls who aren't serious about you so you don't have to go through this lather-rinse-repeat cycle again.

[DKT3]

If you work on yourself and improve your boundaries and/or what you're will to accept, I guarantee you she will no longer be appealing to you.

[Blanco]

If you work on yourself and improve your boundaries and/or what you're will to accept, I guarantee you she will no longer be appealing to you.

 

Short and to the point.

 

This goes for anyone who's hung up on an ex who fell well short of being a good partner during the relationship.

[Beachead]

If she would come back right now or within a few week I'm most certainly sure it would be because she is afraid of being alone. I wouldn't be able to take her back right now either because of what I know, and I feel like not a single thing would have changed.

 

If she would come back after a serious amount of time, then I'm not sure and would like to find out through a serious coversation (If I'm stilling willing to at that point in time).

 

So I only see a reconsiliation possible in a far future where she has actually worked on herself. I'm trying to work on myself as well but a lot of friends and family I talked to always told me I never did anything wrong and treated her like a princess, and that I shouldn't change because I'm a great guy.

 

That's alright.

 

Life is an interesting thing. If you are a self-aware person, you'll likely grow and change with hardships and experiences. The new people you meet and your accomplishments. All of it shape you little by little and those little changes add up over time. You may look back a few years from now and realize you've changed when realize you no longer really care all that much to have her around anymore because she just doesn't match who you are or fit into your way of life.

 

It's happened to me with old flames. At one point, when they broke up with me, it felt like the end of the world. I was forced to move forward, reluctantly. Like you, for a long time, I wanted them back. But eventually, I moved on. I don't mean meeting someone new though that was a part of it. I mean I got to some point where I was just genuinely able to laugh and appreciate what was in my life again, at which point I was surprised to realize I didn't really want them back anymore. They reflected a past life and an old version of me that was long gone.

 

Time does a lot of good work.

Edited June 10, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

This all makes a lot of sense.

 

I can’t wait to reach the point where I don’t want her back anymore. At this point I’m still in a struggle, but you probably can see that from my posts. There is still a part of me that sees a reconciliation possible, but only when she has changed.

 

I’m still keeping no contact since I don’t actually feel like I should be the one to initiate it, and I pull myself through by thinking that I’m just a lot better than the guy she is seeing right now, and that eventually she will find that out as well.

 

As far as events go, if everything goes well I won’t have to see her for another 2 months, and by then I might be in a very different headspace already.

[elaine567]

There is still a part of me that sees a reconciliation possible, but only when she has changed.

 

Few really change, but those that do change because THEY want to, why would this girl change?

Why should she change?

[jospêh]

I’m not sure why.

I’m still guessing that I think this because she told me she had to work on herself and needs to learn to be happy on her own, so maybe at some point she will be happy by herself and at a point where she doesn’t need the attention of other guys anymore.

[ItsMeYo]

You're in pain and going through withdrawal right now and this distorts the way you look back on your relationship.

 

I'd advise you to focus more on that. Buy a notebook or use your computer and journal out your thoughts, everyday. Focus the writing more on the behaviours she displayed that upset you during the relationship. Think about the fights and the series of events that led to all breakups + the fact that she screwed a guy not a week after that last breakup.

 

OMG this works. This TOTALLY works.

[jospêh]

Just wanted to let you guys know she contacted me a 4th time right now. This time she initiated contact to ask for my bank details so she could pay me back the money she owed me.

 

I friendly replied my bank details, but don’t know what to think now. I don’t think it means much or something like that but still, it’s the fourth time already...

[nolanola]

It doesn't mean anything. This is why most people advise NC after a breakup, otherwise you get sucked into the game of "what did they mean by this" and can drive yourself insane.

 

The only thing that matters when an ex contacts you is that its something of substance. Here's what that looks like: "I'm sorry" "I want to get back together". Other things are just pokes to see if you'll bite.

 

Try to think of it this way: when she contacts you, instead of asking what it means or trying to figure out what she's thinking, ask yourself if its good enough. For me, good enough would be one of the above statements after a person has hurt me. "Hi" or "What's up" or "How have you been" are NOT good enough - that's just BS.

 

I know how hard it is to let go of hope. I still hope one day to reconnect with a couple of my exes. But I know that they have to want that too - me sitting here wishing while they move on with their lives doesn't make it happen.

 

I would also strongly advise you to let her know that you need space after she pays you back. In other words, tell her not to contact you. Or you can just stop replying. She is certainly not going to change her mind while you're jumping every time she throws out any kind of message. Why would she?

[ExpatInItaly]

Just wanted to let you guys know she contacted me a 4th time right now. This time she initiated contact to ask for my bank details so she could pay me back the money she owed me.

 

I friendly replied my bank details, but don’t know what to think now. I don’t think it means much or something like that but still, it’s the fourth time already...

 

It means nothing other than she wants to do the right thing and pay you money she owes you.

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

Like the others mentioned, interpret it as nothing because it is nothing. She just wants to pay the money back and is tying up loose ends from her past. The only acceptable message that warrants real concern is "I'm sorry, I made a mistake. (Insert explanation) and I want to give it another try."

 

But keep in mind two things about that. It is far more common for dumpers to return for self-serving, selfish reasons than those that return for genuine reasons AND of the few dumpers who may genuine will not typically be direct like that because they know they've hurt you and are afraid of what your reaction may if they reach out. They are basically afraid to be rejected by you so they may test the waters with you and use bait.

 

You might see "Hi" or "How are you?" or "What's up" or "I was thinking about you.." or "I miss you" for example.

 

The problem with these openers are there's no clear intention stated in these messages. They could mean anything. For a vulnerable person who's wounds are fresh and carries hope, this is a poison.

 

Therefore, be real careful when an ex contacts you. Unless they directly tell you, do not interpret it as, they want you back. If she ever contacts you again and it resembles the above of I wrote, I'll tell you how to handle it.

 

- Beach

Edited June 12, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

Yeah I didn't think it meant something either. But I find it kind of double. I'm not seeing this message as an 'I want you back' message at all.

 

But I do feel like it was again not completely necessary to ask for my bank details since when we were together we would pay each other back with our phones all the time, so she must have my details in her payment history.

 

She might have been thinking about me just for a minute, who knows, but I don't feel like it's something to worry about.

 

Anyway thanks for the answers again guys, going back into NC with her now.

Edited June 12, 2019 by jospêh

[jospêh]

@Beachead

 

Is it possible that you explain how to handle that message anyways? I don't think it will happen in my case (probably not), but nevertheless I would like to be prepared for when it does happen.

 

I'm trying to learn as much as possible on the subject of breaking up and moving on to help other people as well, so your insights would be nice for now, but for in the future as well.

[Blanco]

I would keep responses short and dull. Your inclination will be to jump right back into conversation with her if she reaches out, but you must remember that this woman has left you three times already. If she's reaching out again, it will be for her own selfish reasons. You'll automatically be more emotionally invested in the conversation than her because you will want it to mean something more than it does.

 

So it's best to, if you're going to respond at all, to be brief and not say anything that can give her something to build off of.

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

Is it possible that you explain how to handle that message anyways? I don't think it will happen in my case (probably not), but nevertheless I would like to be prepared for when it does happen.

 

Well, my advice is more specific to you and your situation. I'd tweak it for others. But I can give you an idea of how I'd handle it in a general sense. There's two ways you can go about this.

 

1. Don't respond at all. Delete the text or the record of her phone call off of your phone and carry on. She shouldn't be on your social media by now so there shouldn't be any incoming contact from there either. It won't be easy because of your hope but this is where the information in this thread, or the journals that are focused on the negatives of the relationship and her, really help you stay strong with the decision. Trust that she had the best of you and she left it multiple times and now your moving on. The drama ends there and then.

 

Having said that, if for some reason you feel like you may regret not responding, then you'll have to expend more energy and be willing to break your heart again, using the second route:

 

2. Respond back and keep all your replies shorter than hers. Don't bring up the breakup or the past just yet. Have a couple of back and forth exchanges, see what she has to say. If she doesn't bring the past up herself, suggest meeting up for a coffee or lunch or something to that effect. If she doesn't respond back to you after that, there's your answer. If she declines or makes excuses, don't speak to her again. If she accepts. Set a time and date. If she bails on the outing, don't speak to her again. If she accepts and actually shows up, keep it civil and talk about anything else but the breakup and past for awhile. See what she has to say. If she says nothing about the breakup or the past, you yourself are justified to bring it up. After all, she did end it with you. It wasn't the first time and it's been rough road trying move passed this. You are not looking to get hurt again or jeopardize your future for her for someone who does not want to be with you. You want to know what's up. Don't blame her or point out things she's done wrong. Just explain it like this. It's reasonable. If she gets angry, defensive, plays stupid, or tries to twist things around to make you feel bad for feeling like this..let her run her mouth, say nothing, leave and never speak to her again.

 

Now, if she apologizes and explains her situation and tells you she wants to try again..the call to get back together is yours. But then you have to remember, this is a girl that has had a history of ending with you a few times in the past. If you get back together with her, you will have to be okay putting that behind you and treating this 4th time as a fresh start. You will still also have to be okay with your decision of giving her another chance, if she breaks up with you for a 4th time.

 

The whole idea during this process is to pay attention to how she makes use of the love you extended her..because you did extend her some love, despite the fact she broke your heart. She should have the sense to not disrespect that. If she does, she couldn't care less about you or your life. It's all about her. So screw her.

 

The first method I mentioned will avoid you all the drama and time but it can leave you with regret in the future if you have any lingering doubts about your decision. Sometimes, we may need to burn ourself another time by that person just so our heart can confirm what our mind already knows and this is why the second route can also help.

 

- Beach

Edited June 13, 2019 by Beachead

[Beachead]

OMG this works. This TOTALLY works.

 

It most certainly helps

Edited June 13, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

I feel more like taking the second option. I don't want to live with any regrets in the future.

 

I won't initiate any contact at this point though. I'm starting to feel better and have some moments where I think a bit less about her, so that's good for me.

 

I feel like if she would start to miss me, I will hear about it. I'm just going to do my thing now. I've started reading a book, exercising a bit more and watching a series to pass time.

 

Up untill this point I've had so much help on this forum, this really helped a lot already! I feel like she will be in my system for yet a lot of time, but I don't feel that depressed as in the beginning anymore.

 

At this point I can't recall any unfinished business anymore like tickets that had to be send of money to be paid, so I'm guessing if she will contact me again in the future it will be just to reach out, but only time will tell.

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

I feel more like taking the second option. I don't want to live with any regrets in the future.

 

Ofcourse you do loll. You have hope and it's an excuse to stay connected to her. When dumped, we become functioning addicts in withdrawal, desperately craving another fix of our ex. So we'll reason and justify anyway to get that fix, even if they're not good for us. Your mind is going to try to trick you everyday so you are going to have to watch yourself.

 

I present the second option to you because I know what it's like to be in it, inexperienced and unaware of what being mishandled by an ex, can actually feel like. To finally feel that reality of seeing that person for who they are, rather than who we wanted them to be or who they pretended to be. It teaches you a lot. So, although we can all see this girl isn't worth the time or a reply if she comes back, you may just need to see it for yourself.

 

In any case remind yourself of the risks to keep yourself grounded.

 

She left you 3 times already and if she comes back and you let her back in, it's likely she'll leave you a 4th time. It's pretty bad if someone ended it once. If a person can arrive to an emotional point where they were done with you..it'll be possible and easier to there again the next time. Also, taking her back each time she comes back will reflect poorly on your worth and self-respect and will devalue you in her eyes. Why would she need to respect you or worry she could lose you, when she knows she can come and go as she pleases?

 

Furthermore, if we entertain the idea that she comes back and you two give it a 4th run, think about what it might be like for you in the relationship again. Given the past, it's likely you may worry if or when this girl might leave you again. You may wonder if she's into that guy at work she talks about? Is it him she's texting when she's on her phone? It's not like you're there all the time to watch her after all. She did slide into a new thing right after breaking up with you once before. Can you trust her like before? Will you resent her for the pain she's put you through and all the times you forgave her or can you get passed it? All of these issues will be factors.

 

All in all, if she burns you again, that's more time subtracted off of your life. More emotion, energy, resources given to her, which she took and left with, just like she did to you this time. All of which you could haven't invested in someone new.

 

The question you want to ask yourself is will you be able to work through these things and make peace with yourself, in the event it doesn't work out again? Is the regret you think you may feel for not trying one more time if wanted something again outweighs the regret you think you may feel for trying again and having it fail again, then it would be worth it for you to incur the risk of trying again. If it's the other way around, don't. Whatever decision you make, it has to be one that you have to be good with in the future no matter what because ultimately, it's you who'll have to live with that decision.

 

Things to think about.

 

- Beach

Edited June 14, 2019 by Beachead

[Blanco]

Beachead speaks words of wisdom and experience. I suspect you'll learn the hard way like most of us because we tend to think that our situations are so unique.

 

You think you want her back, but if she ever is back with you, trust me that it will not be what you imagine it would be like.

[jospêh]

At this point I actually don't know if she will ever come back and if I would like to give her another chance.

 

I don't think the odds are in my favor for her to come back to me even though I did nothing wrong and treated her like a princess.

 

It's like it was said in this thread before, even after all my effort she still left.

 

Right now we don't really have anything tying us to each other anymore where she would need to message me for, so now it's time to wait and see what happens and if she will still contact me.

 

Assuming she would ever return, she will have to show to me what changed. I won't take her back in a heartbeat. She will have to show me she wants to go 100% for me and really sees a future with me. It might be true that if we get together again I won't be able to resolve all the issues I have and will keep mistrusting her, but that's again something only time will tell I think since none of us even knows if she will try to rekindle with me.