Ex girlfriend had sex with another guy after less than a week

[jospêh]

I'm still searching for goals to achieve in the short term.

 

I'm doing really well financially because I'm still living at home and working for about 2 years now, so I can save a lot of money, but this was already happening while I was in the relationship as well.

 

I know which direction I want to go with my job but it's a slow process, and I know I will get there someday, but it's not something I can do a lot for right now.

 

Furthermore physically I feel quite good since I lost 10 kg from the break up, but I still want to maintain this now and stay in shape, I'm doing exercises at home to stay busy.

 

I'm trying to grow mentally as well as I'm trying to move forward from all this and started reading books even though I actually never did this in my whole life.

 

I'm actually trying to learn as much as possible about breaking up as well so that I can help people around me in the future when they might experience the same thing as me.

 

I'm really stubborn about contacting her, since I haven't initiated contact even once since we broke up about a month and a half ago. It's true that I reply to her messages, but I think from this point NC is really begun since I don't think we have anything to contact each other for anymore. You never know if she will initiate contact again, but I'm really trying to put my foot down and keep myself from sending her a text or something, and for the first one and a half month this has worked, and I'm trying to stay strong.

 

I know this doesn't mean anything, but she is still looking at my stories on Instagram and liking my pictures that I post. I actually rarely post something but when I do, she does like it, but that won't mean anything.

 

Anyway thanks for the support again, I'm trying to stay as strong as possible!

[Highndry]

I don't know anything about Instagram or how it works, but why is she able to even view your stories? You should BLOCK HER. That's the message you need to be sending.

[preraph]

Oh, my God, you should have blocked her from looking weeks ago! Look what it's doing to you. All she has to do is send you one text if she wants you back. You don't need her to see your social media and you don't need to see hers. She may only be using it to avoid ending up in places you'll be anyway.

[Beachead]

I know this doesn't mean anything, but she is still looking at my stories on Instagram and liking my pictures that I post. I actually rarely post something but when I do, she does like it, but that won't mean anything.

 

The only reason you'd bring this is up is if you were hoping for it to mean something. The answer is, no.

 

There are people on my IG I haven't seen in years nor speak to anymore, who still occasionally like my posts. Does it mean they want to get with me? Hardly. Does it mean they care about my well-being? Not likely. It means nothing apart from exactly what it is..they liked something I posted. Simple as that. And more often than not, because 100's of these stories and posts are constantly incoming ..here isn't a lot of emotional investment there in it. Most people just tap the like button and carry on scrolling downward. If they use "liking" your posts as a way to communicate how they feel without really telling you..then they got some growing up to do.

 

In general, these kinds of social media apps are a poor indicator for what a person is really thinking or feeling.

 

But besides the point..why haven't you blocked her or the very least, unfollowed her yet OP?

Edited June 18, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

Because I’m not really active on it. I don’t really know.

Maybe I see it as way that she might start feeling regret when she sees pictures of me. She doesn’t really post anything so I almost never have to see thing she posts.

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

You could keep her on it but honestly..out of sight/out of mind. She may end up posting an update that might end up hurting you..such as a picture with that guy. As long as you're okay not doing it, that's fine but if you find yourself starting to creep her profile more and more or you find yourself analyzing her social media presence..I strongly suggest you remove her from it.

 

She has your number. If she wants to get in touch with you, she could. She doesn't need to have access to your social media apps.

[CantTakeMySmile]

A short term goal could be to block her on social media.

 

 

Another one could be to not be in group chats that she is in, and also not call around to find out her whereabouts.

 

 

When I am hurting, I find that short term goals that can be measured are easier than longer goals.

 

 

Just block her. Goal complete. Power taken back.

 

 

Small things.

[nolanola]

Please listen to @Beachead and @CantTakeMySmile...they are dead on. Have you ever heard the expression "how can I miss you if you won't go away"? Right now, she can't even regret anything because you're in her face (I mean that figuratively obviously). Go dark, let her wonder where you went. If you really want to make her wonder, then disappear. That's the only way to make her realize you're not in her life anymore. Right now she knows she just needs to snap her fingers and you'll reply. Don't be that guy.

 

I LOVE the suggestion of making this a short term goal for yourself.

 

Tell yourself to go TRULY NC for one week (you can start with less if you need to) and reward yourself at the end. I know you think you're NC now, but you are not. You are still looking at her social media, seeing if she checked yours, and answering when and if she reaches out. That is not NC. NC means you completely cut them out of your life. That sounds super harsh, but it's about self preservation. Once you've made a week (or whatever your goal is), buy something for yourself that you've been eyeing or get your favorite meal (no matter how bad for you).

[Blanco]

OP won't block because he wants to leave the door open. I get it. I think most of us who have been in his position have been similarly resistant. We can have all the insights about what to do, but for most of us, we have to learn these lessons personally and the hard way.

 

Right now, permitting the OP's ex to remain in touch with him via social media keeps some semblance of connection alive. And even though he wants to say he's not reading anything into it or it's no big deal, every "like" or viewed IG story is probably a little hit of dopamine because on some level, it indicates that she still cares.

 

Continue as you will, OP, but do so knowing that eventually, you're going to see something that really hits you hard.

[jospêh]

I actually really don't know what to think anymore. My head and feelings are all over the place.

 

I do can tell you that I'm feeling better already. When I say this I mean that I'm not feeling that depressed anymore and can have a laugh with things again, I'm also eating a bit more already and don't use any medication anymore to sleep or something like that. I don't sleep that well but don't need anything to fall asleep anymore.

 

I went on a weekend with some friends the past weekend and had a great time and thanked them for letting me join because it was really good for me.

 

But even though all of this I still can't get her out of my head and think I will need a lot more time. I seem to have partly accepted she isn't in my life anymore and that I have to move forward, but still want her back as well.

 

I'm working on myself and trying to make the best of it even though I feel like I didn't do something wrong in the relationship and was always there for her. I do think I might have been to jealous at some points, and at other points not jealous enough. I'm trying to figure out what I want in my next relationship, regardless of if it would be with her again or with anyone else.

 

I'm still in the mindset of not contacting her and haven't heard from her in 10 days now and don't intend to send any message.

 

It might be selfish but I want her to stat missing me and feel the loss even though this probably won't happen.

 

I also keep telling me I did my best and do feel like a left quite the legacy someone else will have to live up to if she finds someone else for real.

 

Well there is no way of knowing what she is feeling and thinking unless she tells me and I don't see that happening any time soon.

[ExpatInItaly]

.It might be selfish but I want her to stat missing me and feel the loss even though this probably won't happen.

 

I also keep telling me I did my best and do feel like a left quite the legacy someone else will have to live up to if she finds someone else for real.

 

I would say that most dumpees struggle with the same thoughts. It's not selfish; it's you processing the end of a relationship.

 

Those thoughts will diminish as more time passes.

[5x5]

On missing you, it would help for you to appreciate that, she probably doesn't miss you much at all if at all. Whenever I dropped someone I didn't waste my time pining after them, since I moved on and got on with other women. Likewise on the two occasions I was dropped I didn't wallow pining after what was lost either, since that was an exercise in futility so I also moved on and got on with other women.

 

Once you appreciate that we are all replaceable, no one is the one and that soul mates are as real as tooth fairies. A lot of this kind of thing should get easier for you.

 

Seriously relationships come to an end, that's life. So there's no point wasting your time pining for what was, when you can spend your time getting on with your life moving forward.

 

Surely you have better things to do, than wasting your time pining after an ex. Who doesn't care for you and doesn't want to be with you.

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

It's good that you know your mind and heart are all over the place. Honestly man, you'll need about a year or so for your mind to get back to a reliable state. Right now, all these things you're feeling and describing are just the daily ups and downs of your pain. Some days will be good. Some will be bad. Over time, those ups and downs will become less extreme in nature, will become less frequent, and will begin to level out, giving you more emotional consistency. You'll gain clarity about your situation, and hopefully she won't breadcrumb you and send you back to misery months from now. You might be hoping for that but not hearing from her again will be the best result for your future. Her presence in your life will stop you from considering a better partner who may come your way in the future, and you may miss out on something that could have been fulfilling and longterm.

 

You don't want this girl coming back, to play on your vulnerabilities, get your hopes up, use you as a bus stop for her emotional release, and then leave again, once she finds a more suitable partner. It'll hurt you worse, and then you'll have to go through all this work again..sending you back to Day 1, with no one to blame but yourself.

Edited June 21, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

I don’t want her comming back so we could just start again as we were before because I see now that there were some things that needed improvements, and not only from my side.

 

I would like her to miss me and come back, but if this would ever happen she would have to work for it very hard because I don’t want to get hurt like this ever again to be honest. Not only by her but not by anyone else either.

 

I would just like to find a solution right now to stop thinking about her because it’s driving me crazy thinking about her and wondering what she is doing and who she is doing it with.

[5x5]

The solution is simple, start having fun with others, move on, stop hanging onto her in your mind and stop wallowing in self pity.

 

Try to remember that life is short, so don't let this cripple you by spending a year or more getting over it.

 

For example my ex-wife cheated on me, while I was away on a training course. On finding out I was hurt by her revelation, yet I didn't wallow in self pity interminably. I separated from her pending divorce, then quickly started having sex with and darting other women.

 

As the old saying goes, if you fall off a horse it is best for you to get back on it. So if a relationship ends, you would do well to get on with your life and play with others.

 

This really isn't the end of the world, so try to do yourself a favour and let this wallowing go.

[nolanola]

OP, it's ok that you're still upset. Some people are able to move on really quickly and I admire that, but if you're like me, then it is going to take you a while. It really is a process of accepting everything. Even though acceptance is the final step in the grieving process, I find that every time I accept something (or become open to it), it sets me back some in the process. For example, recently I have been seeing my ex in a different light. Although I still have him somewhat on a pedestal, I have been able to appreciate things that he did that sucked. It hurts to think of him as something other than the great guy I thought he was for so long. I am doing some renewed grieving over that.

 

Don't beat yourself up for feeling sad. It is what it is. Sometimes you just have to feel it for a while. I do find that the longer the time passes for me, the easier it gets in some ways. The really sad days are much more rare than they were in the first few months. I am really grateful for that. But they are still there.

 

When you feel ready, you might find that it helps to do some new things, with the goal of meeting some new people. Doesn't have to be with the intention of dating, but I do find that doing new things has helped me.

[Blanco]

The solution is simple, start having fun with others, move on, stop hanging onto her in your mind and stop wallowing in self pity.

 

Try to remember that life is short, so don't let this cripple you by spending a year or more getting over it.

 

For example my ex-wife cheated on me, while I was away on a training course. On finding out I was hurt by her revelation, yet I didn't wallow in self pity interminably. I separated from her pending divorce, then quickly started having sex with and darting other women.

 

As the old saying goes, if you fall off a horse it is best for you to get back on it. So if a relationship ends, you would do well to get on with your life and play with others.

 

This really isn't the end of the world, so try to do yourself a favour and let this wallowing go.

 

I agree and disagree. Spending some time to mourn the end of the relationship is fine, and I think helpful to gain perspective on your own role in the relationship's demise. It's a lot harder to gain that insight when you're jumping right into something new right away.

 

That said, there does come a point where you have to put yourself out there and try dating again. I've made the mistake of waiting far too long, thinking that I had to be totally over the last one before I could really consider dating someone new. What I found for me was that I could be mostly past the ex, but it wasn't until that next potential partner came along that I felt completely over them.

[5x5]

The longest I waited before I played with others, was around 5 months into my separation with my ex-wife while she waited a few days. While the shortest I have waited has been under 24 hours between sexual partners.

 

I was comfortable waiting a few months, just as I was comfortable waiting less than 24 hours. That said there's no merit in pain shopping and wallowing in misery.

[jospêh]

I've been looking on the internet for a bit again and found out about the GIGS syndrome. Do you guys think this might be what is happening in my case. With this I mean my ex having the GIGS?

[ExpatInItaly]

I've been looking on the internet for a bit again and found out about the GIGS syndrome. Do you guys think this might be what is happening in my case. With this I mean my ex having the GIGS?

 

I don't believe in "GIGS" as such. I think it's a construct meant to soothe the dumpees' hurt feelings, because it's hard to confront the fact that the dumper just doesn't feel the same way anymore.

 

I do get why people want to frame break-ups as "GIGS", because it seems like a more tangible (and thus solvable) issue, but in my experience, it's usually just young folks naturally growing up and moving on and not wanting to commit to their younger loves anymore. Somewhere along the way, someone came up with a handy title for this, slapped some "symptoms", "stages", and an acronym on it, and voila - a more palatable explanation for a break-up. However, it tends to give dumpees false hope and lead them down a rabbit hole of pointless rumination and speculation about the ex returning.

 

My advice? Don't bother entertaining the thought. It's not a syndrome. It was just her not being that into you anymore and thus wanting to explore other options.

[preraph]

All GIGS really means is that the person isn't satisfied with you and wants a better relationship. I don't see why it would be of any comfort to you. It's essentially just a person saying I want someone I like more.

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

No. I wouldn't say so in your case.

 

I will say having said that, I do think GIGS does exist. Living is life and sometimes just need to live life, make mistakes, and learn, so that they can gain wisdom and perspective and appreciate what it is they have or had. It does happen. It's just not very common in regards to reconciliation because for that appreciation to come, takes complete disconnection from an ex and a lot of time and by the time it does come..if it does.. the other may have moved on.

 

As a dumpee, we want hope and GIGS gives us that hope, which makes it dangerous for us.

Edited June 22, 2019 by Beachead

[Blanco]

I doubt that's why she left you, but you both are so young that I think it's healthy for most people that age to "get" GIGS. I know people love stories of couples that have been together for 60 years, but the reality is that our first loves rarely should be our last loves.

[jospêh]

Yeah might be true.

 

I don’t really know anymore. I feel like although I’m only 23 years old, in our 2 year relationship I never had a doubt that she was not the one. This might be wrong but I never experienced any type of GIGS with that girl.

 

I do partly understand if that would be the case for her but it still hurts.

 

I still want to be with her, and I feel stupid for wanting this TBH.

[Blanco]

What you need to do is stop beating up yourself for still feeling conflicted about wanting her. Accept your feelings while telling yourself that realistically, this is over. She isn't coming back, and even if she does, it's almost certain she is not the future mother of your children.

 

Don't get caught up on the "The One" stuff. It's not real. We all have people out there that we will really gel with if given the opportunity. You have nothing to compare her or your relationship with her to, so of course you can't shake the feeling that she's the one for you. I went through the same thing. More than a decade later and I realize how wrong I was and how unhappy I'd be now if I'd gotten what I was so sure I wanted back then.