Ex girlfriend had sex with another guy after less than a week

[Beachead]

Yea, I agree. I wouldn't rely on friends for this. If you have to, choose just one, that you can trust for support but do it sparingly. The thing is at the end of the day they may get it, but then they'll start expecting you to do the one thing you won't be able to at the moment which is to get over it and move on. When you can't, they'll get sick of you and avoid talking to you. It'll put strain on those friendships. Better to avoid that.

 

Parents are fine though I'm not sure how great their advice might be.

 

When it comes to friends and family, it'll be better to let their company heal you, rather than vent to them about these kinds of problems.

 

Leave the brunt of your venting to loveshack, your personal journals and a therapist if you want to get one (Though I don't think you need one yet)

 

- Beach

Edited May 31, 2019 by Beachead

[nolanola]

OP, I just found your thread. I know it feels like no one else understands your pain and how you feel, but believe me SO MANY of us do. I know I do. I'm at 7 months NC and it has been really, really tough at times. The first month was brutal - I could not think about anything else but him, his new girlfriend, and why he didn't want to be with me. Several other people have said that going NC is like kicking a drug habit and I totally agree (although I have never been an addict of drugs). You'll do anything for your fix even though you WILL feel worse after.

 

One thing that helped me a lot in the first few weeks was to think of just getting through small chunks of time: I would think that I would not call him today. Don't think of "I will never talk to her again". Think of "I will not talk to her today" or "I will not talk to her this afternoon" if you have to. Write out things to look forward to. I would find something every few days to be excited about (seeing a friend, a new movie coming out, etc) - that helps. Find things to keep your mind occupied that don't involve her - read a good book, start binge watching a tv show, listen to podcasts, etc. Make some changes to your life - change your habits, even if they are really small changes at first.

 

Another thing that helped me a lot with an older breakup was that I knew my ex had issues. Big ones. We were a lot like you guys. We had broken up a bunch of times. I didn't respect myself as I should and by taking him back so many times, I taught him that I had no boundaries and would just let him treat me like crap. After our last breakup, when it was so hard and I wanted him back so badly, I would remind myself of the reasons why we broke up and that he had issues he had to work on. Those issues won't change in a week or a month. In many cases, they won't change in a year even. Your ex is young and playing the field. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. This isn't an issue exactly, but it's not something that is going to change in 8 days. If she were to come back, you guys would break up again and she would ditch you for another guy. Do you want to be the pathetic guy that she uses in between other dudes? Teach her you won't be that guy by going NC and moving on with your life. She might acquire some respect for you that way and might be more willing to be in a relationship with you that works - but it won't be this week or this month and probably not this year. She has to work out her own stuff first and you can't control when that will happen. When I realized this about my ex, it made it somewhat easier. And you know what? He did come back after 5 years but by then I didn't want him anymore.

 

Write in here as much as you need to. It's helped me a lot to get the insight of people that can see things I couldn't. And it is really true - it gets better with time. It really does. It's way too slow for most of us, but after a while you'll start to feel just a tiny bit better and it will grow from there.

[jospêh]

I just really have to get her out of my head some way so that I can start to heal...

 

I've got a motorcycle since last year, and we always went for a drive together. I really love that bike and feel like I'm living when I'm driving it, but ever since the break up I haven't even touched it.

I can't even get on it because it was something we would always do together.

 

When the weather is nice I don't feel like riding it, and I don't feel like going outside for a walk or to get some exercise either because we would always do that together.

Edited June 1, 2019 by jospêh

[Blanco]

Again, that's normal. I know this feels unique to you because it's your first real relationship heartbreak, but it's totally common in the immediate aftermath for virtually everything to remind you of them. It's common to want to shy away from certain songs, activities, routines that you enjoy because it's connected to them in some way.

 

The wounds are fresh, so own these feelings and remember that they won't last forever. Some day, you're going to enjoy that motorcycle again. You're going to like evening walks. You just have to accept that it'll take time to detox from her.

[Beachead]

I just really have to get her out of my head some way so that I can start to heal...

 

I've got a motorcycle since last year, and we always went for a drive together. I really love that bike and feel like I'm living when I'm driving it, but ever since the break up I haven't even touched it.

I can't even get on it because it was something we would always do together.

 

When the weather is nice I don't feel like riding it, and I don't feel like going outside for a walk or to get some exercise either because we would always do that together.

 

That's normal OP. Many people feel that way after a breakup, believe it or not.

 

My ex lived close to me. Everywhere in the city reminded me of her. Restaurants, a pharmacy, malls, certain road routes, parks etc. Sometimes I have to drive by her old place and I can still feel a pinch in my heart even though it's been nearly 2 years. But..that pinch is nothing compared to the way it affected me back then. It used to trigger chest pain and tears and make me want to jump into bed and sleep.

 

It's going to cut you for awhile everytime you pass by any of it but after your emotions take a hard enough beating, you won't be able to cry anymore than you have over it. You then deal with it and even though it still hurts, it begins to hurt less and less because you start having new experiences at those same places with yourself or other people. Over time, those new experiences dilute the affect she her memories have on you. Again, I will stress this is a slow process and you will have to just let it be. It will hurt less with time. Be patient.

 

- Beach

Edited June 2, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

So I just found out my parents ran into her yesterday and talked a little bit about us. My mom told me that my ex asked how everything was going with me and apparantly my Mother told her I lost 9kg of weight and that I am going to a psychologist to get everything sorted.

 

I feel angry at my mother for telling her this. I don’t mind them talking but I do find it irritating that my ex now Knows what is going on in my life after the breakup and that she knows how I’m struggling with everything.

 

I don’t know what to feel right now...

[ExpatInItaly]

Mom needs to be more mindful in the future. I too would be upset if I were in your shoes. I hope you asked her to please not share personal details with your ex in the future, should she run into her again.

 

There really isn’t much else you can do but wait for this sting to pass.

[jospêh]

I told her I didn't like it that she told her. I told her if my ex wants to know how everything is going with me she should be the one contacting me. I don't want her to know anything about me anymore since she chose to break up.

 

Even though she might still want to know how I am doing and whats going on in my life, I still don't want her to know. She only gets that perk if we are friends in the distant future or would get back together at some point.

 

I don't feel like it's good that she knows how much I'm suffering. I don't want her to feel sorry for me.

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

That would annoy me too. It's good you told your mom not to say anything like that going forward.

 

And yes, it's none of your ex's business what you're going through. Continue with your NC and keep trucking along.

 

- Beach

[jospêh]

I'm kinda annoyed by it as well because I did see NC as a way for her to start missing me as well. Mostly NC is for me but I would lie if I didn't hope for a bit that NC would get her to start missing me, to feel the loss, to absolutely feel like I'm not in her life anymore.

 

Now I feel like she already knows everything right now and there is no mystery anymore. I don't have any nice things to show for because I actually didn't do anything yet exept for losing weight.

 

I'm not enjoying life right now, but I don't want her to know that.

[ExpatInItaly]

Now I feel like she already knows everything right now and there is no mystery anymore. I don't have any nice things to show for because I actually didn't do anything yet exept for losing weight.

 

OP, she knows you. She knows you didn't want to break up. I can promise you that she didn't imagine you were going to be just fine; the mystery you were trying to create through No Contact is a figment of your own imagination, an attempt to hang on.

 

Knowing how you are taking the break-up was never going to be the element that made or broke a reconciliation prospect. You're assigning too much importance to something that just never mattered much.

[preraph]

I would be very mad at my mother if she did that too. Just telling her not to do it again isn't going to get the job done. What you're going to have to do if you don't want stuff to get back to the ex is you're going to have to stop telling anybody anything. Your mother should have known better than that but most people are just going to talk. So you better save your outpourings of emotion for Loveshack and your therapist. Stop the rumor mill. what you need to do is move on and date other people because I know you wouldn't mind if that got back to her.

[crispytoast]

That's what mom's do. I would go further than that to tell your mom not to talk to anyone about your life without permission first. Your life is your story to tell, not her Tuesday afternoon gossip. This has taken my mother a lot of time to grasp. I won't go into details but she has crossed a lot of my boundaries for attention and to have something interesting to talk about.

[Beachead]

I'm kinda annoyed by it as well because I did see NC as a way for her to start missing me as well. Mostly NC is for me but I would lie if I didn't hope for a bit that NC would get her to start missing me, to feel the loss, to absolutely feel like I'm not in her life anymore.

 

Now I feel like she already knows everything right now and there is no mystery anymore. I don't have any nice things to show for because I actually didn't do anything yet exept for losing weight.

 

I'm not enjoying life right now, but I don't want her to know that.

 

That's fine as long as you're not hoping she'll change her mind if you remain silent.

 

Having said that, I'd take Preraph's advice and refrain from talking to your mom about your pain for the future. Rely on LS and a Therapist to avoid risking a situation like that again.

Edited June 2, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

Actually a part of me is still hoping she will start to miss me because of NC. I know that's not the correct goal for NC, but still there is a part of me that after everything can't let go of her yet and still hopes for reconciliation.

 

On another note, my mother actually doesn't know the full story. I didn't tell any of my relatives or anyone who knows my ex that I know she slept with someone else already. My psychologist told me it seems like I'm still protecting her. And actually I kind of am. Because me not telling this to anyone else that knows her, is actually me protecting her for what other think if me might ever get back together...

 

I'm currently in the phase were I just don't know where to go. I am constantly doubting myself and thinking about the things that I might have done wrong. I'm constantly thinking I'm not good enough. I always told her I wanted to be the best boyfriend she ever had up until now, and even the best boyfriend she will ever have in her entire life. I know this is crazy but I just wanted to be 'the one' for her. Maybe I still am, no one knows.

 

I'm also having a lot of trouble with keeping up NC. Because she now knows how I feel already. I want her to miss me. To be completely honest I saw her as the one I was going to mary live with for the rest of my life.

 

I started thinking about our relationship yesterday and actually found some things that I did wrong in the past, and also know that I need to work on those things a bit, not for her, but for me and for any future partner I will have. But I'm also doubting if these things would be the reason since I'm thinking the break up might have been due to loss of attraction. A part of me still wants to rekindle this level of attraction...

Edited June 3, 2019 by jospêh

[TheFinalWord]

There's nothing you can do man. There's nothing you can fix.

 

 

She ended things and that's all there is to it.

 

 

 

Your mom shouldn't have said those things, especially about the psychologist. Geez, what was she thinking?

 

 

 

But there's no way to salvage this. What about the things SHE did wrong? Do you hold her accountable for nothing?

 

 

This relationship is so toxic for you and you are still protecting her. She is not the one you're going to marry. You have to keep doing NC no matter what. Even if your have an ulterior motive, it doesn't matter.

 

 

 

You really have a lot of issues to work on that go beyond your ex. You seem to think very little of yourself and I'm telling you neither this woman, nor any other woman going forward is going to find that attractive. Not trying to be mean, but you really need to do whatever your psychologist says.

 

 

 

Are you lifting weights or doing any type of strenuous activity? I would highly recommend it as it will help you out a lot. It will help you push those negative feelings into something physical, instead of just holding them in.

[ExpatInItaly]

Everything you're feeling is normal, OP. Many dumpees feel the way you do right now - the constant analysis, thinking they know how to fix it, feeling like their ex was the only person for them, believing that time apart will make them realize what they have lost, working on "themselves" when really they're making changes in the hopes their ex sees the new and improved version.

 

It's going to take a while before you accept the fact that she is gone. Do some exes come back? Yes, some do. Do they stay back, and is it happily ever after? Not so often, especially when they are as young as she is.

 

Keep talking here. Don't reveal to your friends and family that she has had sex with someone else. It wasn't your business to begin with, and it's certainly none of theirs. It isn't a matter of protecting her, but of learning to implement appropriate boundaries and being mature.

[jospêh]

I won't tell anyone that would know her that I know what she did. I'm just not wired like that.

 

I'm still putting her on a pedestal and this is not good. I'm still thinking of her as the love of my life even though she left me 3 times.

I can't let go of the memories and think almost all the time of how she took care of me.

 

Another thing that I'm feeling is that my mom told me my ex was wearing a shirt of mine. I gave her quite some clothes when we were dating because I outgrew them and she liked it. So I'm wondering why she would still wear it, and now I'm even wondering if she would still sleep in the shirt she was always sleeping in (which was also mine).

 

My mother told me my ex didn't look that good actually, and it kind of puts me in a bit of a better mood. I can't let go of the thought that she might be bothered with the break up as well now. This probably isn't the correct thing to think but I can't stop it.

[elaine567]

Your mom shouldn't have said those things, especially about the psychologist. Geez, what was she thinking?

She was thinking

"My little boy is hurting here, you have done him some serious damage, maybe you could talk to him, patch things up with him, get back together and make him feel all better again..."

[ExpatInItaly]

I have some clothing and jewelry given to me by exes over the years, and I still wear some of it. I have zero emotional attachment to any of them but I simply like the pieces. There’s nothing more to it.

 

I think your Mom is trying to protect you by telling you that your ex didn’t look well. Maybe she didn’t, but you can’t assume it’s because she’s grieving. Maybe she was hungover, or tired, or PMSing. Or maybe she was looking just fine but mom doesn’t have the heart to tell you that.

 

Again, you are going to need time to knock your ex off the pedestal. It won’t happen for a while. You will continue to experience these feelings for at least a couple months. You need to keep reminding yourself that this process is normal.

[nolanola]

OP, everything you're feeling is totally normal in the first phase after a breakup. It WILL get better if you stay NC. Don't worry that you have those thoughts, just let them be there. It's uncomfortable to sit with those thoughts (I wasn't good enough, will she come back, does she miss me, etc, etc) but if you can just accept that they are there, they will start to come and go after a while. Unfortunately, there is no short cut to getting through the worst part of a breakup, which is the immediate aftermath (at least for dumpees, for dumpers it's probably not so bad). The thing you need to focus on though, is that you will set yourself back if you break NC.

 

I can promise you 100% that if you reach out to her, she is not going to get back together with you and you're not going to rekindle anything. She's only going to think you're pathetic and sad. I hope you don't think I'm being harsh - I actually think you are doing really well with all this because you have kept going for a while (what has it been, about 10 days or so?). She hasn't had time to miss you yet. Have you ever heard that expression "how can I miss you if you won't go away?". You have to give her time to realize you aren't there anymore.

 

Keep going. I think you will find that you will start to have better days in a few weeks (or maybe even sooner). If you contact her, you're going to feel like a pile of poo after she rejects you again or is blah with you AND you'll have to start from day 0 again. DON"T DO IT. Come on here and write instead of texting her.

[jospêh]

 

I can promise you 100% that if you reach out to her, she is not going to get back together with you and you're not going to rekindle anything. She's only going to think you're pathetic and sad. I hope you don't think I'm being harsh - I actually think you are doing really well with all this because you have kept going for a while (what has it been, about 10 days or so?). She hasn't had time to miss you yet. Have you ever heard that expression "how can I miss you if you won't go away?". You have to give her time to realize you aren't there anymore.

 

Well I see that a lot of people have different opinions about the NC rule, so I don't know how long I'm going right now. In the first 2 weeks she contacted me 3 times, and I just replied but we never started a conversation. I think the max amount is about 3 messages back and forward.

 

I haven't heard from her in 12 days now, and I never initiated contact. So I don't know if it's 12 days or 23 (since the break up).

 

I don't know if this is enough for her to miss me, and I most certainly don't know if this is enough for her to miss me since she probably replaced me with someone else to fill the void.

 

I'm getting more sure about myself because I know no one will be the same as me and no one will be able to take my place, and I am confident that I didn't do much wrong in our relationship (meaning I wasn't a jerk to her and I didn't abuse her or anything, I was just a kind and loving boyfriend), but I'm still trying to figure out what went wrong then.

 

I'm still thinking it was probably a loss of attraction, but I'm still wondering if it is something I can rekindle as well.

 

I am 100% sure I'm going to see her on an event next saturday, and I don't really look forward to it, but I'm not going to initiate any contact there either. If she passes me I'll probably say hi and leave it at that.

 

As you probably know our situation is kind of a weird one, but I'm still having my hopes up, and I'm not sure if this is a good thing.

Edited June 4, 2019 by jospêh

[ExpatInItaly]

As you probably know our situation is kind of a weird one, but I'm still having my hopes up, and I'm not sure if this is a good thing.

 

Eh, not really.

 

A lot of folks have had on-off relationships that go around in circles, OP. More often than not, that merry-go-round stops when the one pressing "stop" all the time finds a new partner and shuts down the ride altogether.

 

Whether you've now been No Contact for 12 days or 23 days doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. The only one counting those days is you, because you assign a lot more meaning to them than she does. This is normal for the dumpee who struggles each day without hearing from their ex. But over time, you will start to lose count and No Contact will just become the default state with her, as it does with most exes eventually.

 

When you see her at this event, just say hello and keep moving. No need to engage further.

[nolanola]

Co sign everything ExpatInItaly said - everyone thinks their breakup is unique but most people have really similar patterns. There's nothing wrong with that, but it does mean that yours will probably go the same way a lot of other people's have.

 

I think you sound a little bit more confident and that is great!! I don't think I have a different view of NC, although my philosophy on maintaining it might be a little different. In my opinion, maintaining NC is the most important thing in the beginning and I think whatever you need to think or tell yourself in that time is fine. If you want to think of it as a way to make her miss you, then I think that is fine - As long as you do not contact her under any circumstances. Usually what happens is that you start out doing NC for the other person (trying to make them miss you, getting them back, etc) but after a while, it starts to work on helping you move on as well. In my experience, that's been the case. And also, with a few major breakups, by the time they did come back (years later) I was over them and not interested.

 

12 days is not enough to make her miss you, especially as you note, she has someone new. It's more likely that she will date this guy for a while and when that doesn't work out or she gets bored she'll start fishing around again. I would strongly suggest to you that you not be that guy that is there waiting for her. Attraction has a lot to do with respect and if you're just at her beck and call, she will not respect you. I would suggest also that you stop replying to her messages now - if she tries to contact you again, I would suggest that you kindly tell her that you're trying to move on and would like to not be in touch for a while. Otherwise, you are not going to start moving on, you'll just be sitting around hoping for something from her.

 

I think you're doing great from the sounds of it!! Keep going. And you might consider not going to the event coming up - what if she shows up with the new guy? Are you going to want to watch them being affectionate with each other? That sounds terrible to me.

[jospêh]

I think you're doing great from the sounds of it!! Keep going. And you might consider not going to the event coming up - what if she shows up with the new guy? Are you going to want to watch them being affectionate with each other? That sounds terrible to me.

 

Thanks for believing in me!

I don't think she will be showing up with that guy since I don't think anyone knows about him so why would they be affectionate in public then.

 

You never know of course, but I have to be there because I have to help at that event.

 

I'm just trying to prepare myself to see her again for the first time and keep my cool without being a jerk.