Ex girlfriend had sex with another guy after less than a week

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

That event, is going to set you back.

Edited June 4, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

@jospêh

 

That event, is going to set you back.

 

It might, I’m not sure about it.

She lives only 3 km from me, we go out to the same places and have a lot of mutual friends. I’m going to walk into her sooner or later. Our lives will always be connected for a bit unless someone would move far away within a few years.

 

I don’t really want see her because it will hurt me, but a part of me hopes she will be set back really far as well by seeing me.

 

I don’t feel like hiding from her because I don’t want her to “win” this. I don’t want to stop having fun and going to places where she will be as well. I just don’t feel like she deserves to go and have fun over there while I stay at home.

 

It’s just for this event though, I’m not planning to go to any other event in the near future where she will be.

[crispytoast]

14 pages in and we're still on page one. Well OP you're going to do what you want to do. Most people here are going to tell you to not think that way because it's not healthy for you or your ex. You aren't being considerate of what she has chosen or respecting yourself.

 

If you truly love someone, you want them to be happy. She has chosen to seek happiness without you. It would do you well to stop creating all of these scenarios in your head where you want to affect her own healing process. You really have to let this go.

[Fekenaws]

The relationship has been over for a while, you just missed the red flags. When a girl/guy stops having sex with you, starts acting distant, becomes different over text messages, etc, she/he is already in the process of emotionally removing you from their life. The day the breakup happens, while it may have been shocking to you, they had been expecting and planning it for a long time. Don't put too much stock into her crying during the breakup, it's not confusing whatsoever and it doesn't mean anything. My ex cried during the breakup, and when I asked her why she said it was because she didn't want to hurt me or see me upset, but at the end of the day she still pulled the trigger because for whatever reason she wasn't happy in the relationship. 8 months later, my ex is moved on completely. I met her just the other day and she was already forgetting events in our relationship, she showed no interest whatsoever in terms of flirting, and I didn't even get a goodbye hug from her. It was soul-crushingly awful, I have no intention of seeing her again and furthermore, I FINALLY used the "Taking a break" feature on FaceBook to stop myself from stalking her online. It's been rough, but I'm far further ahead than you and I'm telling you that the best thing you can do is cut her off, grieve, and start pulling your life back together.

[preraph]

You are not in no contact at all. You are seeing her every chance you get and communicating with her. No contact means block her and stop seeing and talking to her at all. You are just hanging on to this for as long as you have any excuse to see her and you may as well face it. You're wasting a precious amount of your time and energy and five years from now, you'll look back and regret it.

 

 

She isn't going to regain attraction for you. She isn't going to morph into someone who's all into you and faithful. You're going to end up just being her orbiter (you are now) and watching her date other men and maybe throwing you a friend breadcrumb every now and then because her feelings do not take you into consideration and also because you won't stop.

[nolanola]

Totally agree with preraph!! You're looking at this event as a way to get something from her and you're hoping that she is going to react a certain way. YOU ARE GOING TO BE DISAPPOINTED. Have you ever heard the saying "expectations are future resentments?". So true here. You have an expectation that things are going to go one way (she won't be with her new guy, she's going to get set back by seeing you, etc) and when those things don't happen it's going to cause you a lot of pain. You don't HAVE to be there. You're choosing to be there. Let's be honest. We've all been there. We know.

 

Everyone has a rock bottom they have to get to before they can pull the trigger and start moving on. You haven't gotten there yet. Maybe this event will get you there. I think it's going to hurt you a lot, but maybe it will convince you that you deserve better than this.

[jospêh]

I actually didn't contact her at all. I only answered a question when she asked one and sent her a ticket for a festival that she paid for already so she could sell it to someone else.

 

I don't have any expectations for this event. I will be there working and she will probably be there enjoying herself.

 

I'm not going to initiate contact at all, but I probably won't be rude when she initiates it and will just say hi.

 

I don't see this event as a 'rekindling and winning her back' event because that's not what is going to happen there.

 

She won't tell me she misses me and she won't tell me she wants me back, I don't expect that.

[jospêh]

I probably might sound delusional to you guys, but I just want to make clear that I have hopes it might do something with her, seeing me there, but that I don't have expectations.

 

I'm realistic that it probably won't do anything to her.

[Blanco]

I probably might sound delusional to you guys, but I just want to make clear that I have hopes it might do something with her, seeing me there, but that I don't have expectations.

 

Dude, hope is an expectation. Let's not split hairs here.

[Blanco]

14 pages in and we're still on page one. Well OP you're going to do what you want to do. Most people here are going to tell you to not think that way because it's not healthy for you or your ex. You aren't being considerate of what she has chosen or respecting yourself.

 

If you truly love someone, you want them to be happy. She has chosen to seek happiness without you. It would do you well to stop creating all of these scenarios in your head where you want to affect her own healing process. You really have to let this go.

 

Yes, this is one of the hardest, yet most mature ways to view a parting of ways. It's not wrong to want something, but if it involves someone else, that person's wants should be considered too.

 

I've learned that part of the healing process should be wishing that person well in their pursuit of what they believe will add to their happiness, even if that means I won't be part of it.

[ExpatInItaly]

I probably might sound delusional to you guys, but I just want to make clear that I have hopes it might do something with her, seeing me there, but that I don't have expectations.

 

I'm realistic that it probably won't do anything to her.

 

It's normal to have these hopes as a recent dumpee, but brace yourself for the very real possibility that it won't turn out the way you want.

 

I would mentally prepare for any of the following scenarios:

1) She shows up with the guy she's been sleeping with

2) She shows up without a guy but you see her chatting someone else up or flirting

3) She says hi to you and tries to chat a bit, and then turns on her heel and heads off

4) She doesn't say anything at all to you

5) She gets in touch after the event, says you look great, blah, blah, she wants some attention from you and you mistakenly think this means she wants you back

 

This isn't going to be the great moment that suddenly turns on feelings she hasn't had for a long time, dude. Reconciliation is about so much more than a fleeting moment; if she were to return after just one night of seeing you, then I'm afraid you don't have much basis to reconcile and it will fall apart all over again.

[Beachead]

I probably might sound delusional to you guys, but I just want to make clear that I have hopes it might do something with her, seeing me there, but that I don't have expectations.

 

I'm realistic that it probably won't do anything to her.

 

We don't hope without expecting OP. They go hand in hand. ..and you my friend have tons of hopes/expectations. Don't bs yourself.

 

You should try to think about not going/going to events as what you need rather than winning or losing. Sure, you can choose to interpret it as her winning over you, if you choose not to go or you can interpret it like this; you are being kind to yourself and the taking the time you need, to grieve quietly over a girl you loved that broke your heart. Consider if you broke your arm, would you be going to the gym the very next day to start lifting weights? No. You're going to give yourself time to recuperate. You're going to focus on sleep. You're going to eat well. You're going to do the necessary rehabilitation exercises for it. And you're going to sit there and be patient because you know if you use that arm before it's fully healed, you'll likely damage it further and end up having to be in a cast for far longer. Similarly, if you rush back into events that she's at just to show you're okay, you're going to damage and delay your emotional healing.

 

I know where you are in your mind. I was there once upon a time. You won't listen until it hurts far more to hold onto her than it does to let go, at which point you'll naturally slide into proper NC because it'll make sense to. Right now, you're not using it correctly. Until then, you're going to have to burn yourself a couple more times because it still hasn't clicked that this girl had 2 years with you to decide what she wanted. All that you built and shared together, all those memories and experiences as whole, wasn't enough to convince her to stick this out and work on it. That decision carries weight and meaning which you are currently dismissing because you're not ready to accept your reality yet.

 

All in good time

Edited June 4, 2019 by Beachead

[TheFinalWord]

She was thinking

"My little boy is hurting here, you have done him some serious damage, maybe you could talk to him, patch things up with him, get back together and make him feel all better again..."

 

It was a rhetorical question...

 

I probably might sound delusional to you guys, but I just want to make clear that I have hopes it might do something with her, seeing me there, but that I don't have expectations.

 

I'm realistic that it probably won't do anything to her.

 

Yes, it does sound delusional, because it is. If this was salvageable, we would tell you. I'd love to be able to tell you that. And I don't buy that you are being realistic about anything here.

 

It's obvious you are going to do what you want here and ignore advice about NC (there's no time limit, it's about a specific set of actions and stages, which have not occurred here at all).

 

At this point, I say go for it. I think you need to hit rock bottom before you are going to start thinking differently.

 

Maybe you'll see her with her new man, and that will do it for you. Maybe you'll reach out and she'll have to tell you off or file a restraining order. I don't know. I do know she isn't coming back, and even if she does, she isn't coming back in a way that is going to lead to her becoming your future wife. You've broken up so many times, it's clear to all of us, this relationship is unhealthy and not working.

 

Add on top of that, she slept with someone right away, your ego is bruised and it's hurting that she doesn't value you, the way you value her. That she moved on so easily. I've told you, that she hasn't. This guy is just a band aid and I 99% don't think this is the first time she's done this during the other break ups you've gone through.

 

I do think that even if she comes back, you need to move on from her. I'm trying to get you to do NC so that you can experience life without her so that if she does come back you can reject HER. She's not relationship material. This whole situation is a blessing in disguise and NC is so you can heal and find someone 10000x better than her. But I think you need to go through some more heartbreak before that becomes clear to you.

 

Good luck with your current course of action.

Edited June 5, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Beachead]

@TheFinalWord

 

At this point, I say go for it. I think you need to hit rock bottom before you are going to start thinking differently.

 

It'll be good for him if it happens. He needs it.

Edited June 5, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

I do believe you guys, and I value all your opinions, that's why I came onto this site to vent and to get other peoples insights.

 

To be honest I thought, and still hope I hit rock bottom when I found out she already slept with someone else. That was also the main reason why I went to see a therapist to talk to. You guys might absolutely be right that seeing her this weekend will make it even worse, but that's why I'm still doubting if I'll go.

 

The rational part of me is telling me she won't come back either, or if she comes back to me, it won't be within a month or even 3 months. If she would come back it would probably be when I already moved on. And that's something I would really want, to move on.

 

Only the emotional part of me still has some hope she will rethink her decision and come back soon. I know the rational part should take over but I just don't seem to be there yet.

 

I know I'm a hard guy to talk to and work with, so I would like to thank you all for your honest and valuable answers.

[TheFinalWord]

Friend,

 

 

 

I'm not saying this to be cruel. My response is to hopefully allow you to see how off balance your decision making is. In those situations, you're better off doing nothing.

 

 

 

There's an old saying "better to be silent and thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt"....that's kind of true with NC. If you know you aren't thinking rationally, NC is better so you don't say something dumb and you don't allow yourself to be emotionally manipulated. I don't know if you're in shock, or just hurt badly from her sleeping with someone else. It's a massive blow to the ego because you've been, in your mind, deeply betrayed. The dating world is a harsh place, and when you're dealing with someone with questionable morals, they are going to do things that shock you and that you won't believe. That's why you have to start cutting people off if there are red flags early on. But you aren't even close to being ready to date again.

 

 

 

You're not in a place to think rationally. You haven't hit rock bottom because you keep thinking she is going to come back She isn't going to come back to you in 3 months, 3 years, or when you've moved on.

 

 

 

But more importantly, even if she does, you need to be at a place where you can reject her because she's not LTR material. If you aren't honestly at a place where you can reject her, you aren't ready for any type of interaction; passive or otherwise.

 

 

 

Until you are at that place, you need to stay far away from her.

[jospêh]

I am indeed still hoping a bit she will come back, but I know this probably won't be the case.

 

I don't think I would be able to take her back right now either.

I can't just move past the fact of what she did with someone else so quickly after breaking up with me. If she would want me back right now already it's time for a very serious chat, and after that I would probably reject her as well.

 

At this point actually the only way I see a reconciliation possible is when quite some time has passed and I have moved on from all the things that happened, and when I would be able to start with a completely clean slate.

 

I know it's not right from me to hope for it, but at this point I just want her to feel regret and loss. I want her to miss me, even though this probably won't change anything. I want to feel like I mattered to her.

 

I don't want to talk to her at this point because I don't want to start feeling worse again, so even if I walk into her at the event tomorrow I would say hi and that's it.

[Morello]

You will never start again with a completely clean slate with this woman. You know that but you are in denial. You know that even if she came back things wouldn't work because you'd always bit a bit insecure that she'd leave you again which she most likely would. It's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

The only reason you want her to contact you and ask to reconcile is because of your ego. You want to feel validated, that you actually meant something to her. You probably did but you certainly don't matter much now. Sad but true.

 

If she comes back it will basically be because she didn't find better out there. Based on experience and anecdotes we read here and talk to other people, if a couple breaks up, the chance they will successfuly reconcile in a long-term relationship later on is VERY small. It only happens under very special circumstances and usually just because the break up was more of a necessity than what both wanted. Or when many years have passed.

 

You're not important to her anymore so the best thing you can do now is demote her to YOUR list of non-important people.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know it's not right from me to hope for it, but at this point I just want her to feel regret and loss. I want her to miss me, even though this probably won't change anything. I want to feel like I mattered to her.

 

You can matter to someone without them feeling regret for breaking up, though, OP.

 

A long-ago ex of mine was a good guy. I ended it with him after 5 years together, for several different reasons. It was not a mutual break-up and I felt horrible for hurting him. We spent 5 years together, so he did matter - in the sense that he was once an important person in my life and I cared about him and shared fond memories with him. However, I didn't miss him as a romantic partner and didn't regret my decision. A couple of months post break-up, I met the guy who would become my next (and longer-term) boyfriend. My ex was not happy when he learned about it, was convinced it was just a rebound, but it wasn't. He too asked if he'd ever meant anything to me, which of course he had. But I had moved on.

 

It's not as though your ex is going to forget all about you. I promise you that. But it is safe to say her romantic connection to you has been gone for a while, even since before she broke up with you this most recent time. This is why she was able to have sex with someone else so soon afterwards, because she was already emotionally detached. It doesn't mean that you meant nothing to her, but it does mean that you unfortunately don't hold the same romantic and sentimental importance to her any longer.

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

What ExpatInItaly, Morello and TheFinalWord all stated above is exactly why I'd rather stay in NC than stay in contact.

 

If everything you were and everything you two shared together wasn't enough to convince them that you are the person they want a future with, there is nothing else at that point for you to do. If there's anything more to be done, it would be in your absence.

Edited June 7, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

So I wanted to give you guys an update since I went to the event yesterday.

 

She was there for the whole day and I kept seeing her everywhere I looked.

They guy she slept with was there as well and it was really obvious to other people as well that they were in some way involved.

 

I hurt quite a bit and I actually wanted to go home. I ran into her a few times and just smiled but didn’t say anything. She smiled as well but didn’t say anything either. I didn’t feel like initiating contact since she wanted the break up.

 

I talked with a lot of people on that event and there was actually quite some family of hers that came to talk to me as well. They all said this was all really sad and that they liked me as a part of the family and will miss me.

 

Even her mother came to dance with me, and after that she thanked me for the dance. After that I thanked her as well and told her it was not only for the dance but for everything they did for me as well. She was getting tears in her eyes as I told her this. Apparantly my ex her sisters and her mother had been crying at home as well for me. This all makes me feel a bit better that I was really approciated by her family and that they all really appreciate me, but in the end it doesn’t change anything concerning the situation.

 

I do still keep thinking that if all those people feel like this and see how good I was for my ex, that she might come to that conclusion as well but don’t see that happening any time soon.

 

Anyway just wanted to give you guys an update.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like it went as well as it could have, OP.

 

It was best not to engage in any conversation with your ex. She was there with a date and it would've been painful for you, and awkward for you both. You handled it well.

 

And yes, families often feel sad when there's a break-up. They know you're a good guy and they will miss you, but their reaction is not a reflection of anything but their own feelings.

 

Perhaps this will bring you some closure that will help you really move on.

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

You handled it as well as you could have man. The fact that the family was in your corner and expressed their feelings was a good thing but keep in mind, they are her family. Regardless of how they feel, they will ultimately have her back. You have to proceed on the assumption that once they get to know this new guy, they'll also love him as well.

 

The good news is this. You're no longer unknowingly in a relationship with a girl whom was in actuality was half-committed, using you as a safety, and looking for a way out. A girl whom you believed was the one. Had this not happened, you would have been spinning your tires in mud for much longer, dedicating your life to someone who wouldn't have deserved it. Imagine how more horrible you would have felt having given 5 years or 10 years to this girl. Imagine if you had married her. You might look at this in sadness, but only because you're not able to see yet, that you would been far more damaged...maybe irreparably.

 

What you do now is keep your eyes forward on the horizon and don't look back.

 

As crappy as this reality feels right now, atleast it's real. And now your efforts can go to something new that may bring you actual results and not some illusion of it.

 

Stay strong.

Edited June 9, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

I’m not sure that they have a relationship together though, at this point I think more of it as a rebound, but you never know ofcourse.

 

This mostly hurts as well because I feel replaced right now and that she actually told me she had a lot of trouble being alone, and that she had to work on herself and learn to be alone. But that’s absolutely not what she is doing at this point.

 

I don’t think her family knows about the fact that she is with spending her time with someone else already and when they would get to know it that they won’t approve of it because of the way they think about me and that she needs to work on herself as well, but you never now.

 

A friend of mine broke up with hield girlfriend as well yesterday, but it was kinda the same situation that she needed to be alone for a while and figure herself out. I gave her the advice to actually do this and not fall into the arms of another guy to ease the pain, but to work on herself. I told her this would be a much better image to show her ex that the break up didn’t happen for nothing.

[ExpatInItaly]

A friend of mine broke up with hield girlfriend as well yesterday, but it was kinda the same situation that she needed to be alone for a while and figure herself out. I gave her the advice to actually do this and not fall into the arms of another guy to ease the pain, but to work on herself. I told her this would be a much better image to show her ex that the break up didn’t happen for nothing.

 

I hate to break it to you, but most dumpers don't really care that much what image they present to their exes. In their minds, the break-up didn't happen for nothing, either. It happened for reasons they felt were justified, and they don't need their ex's endorsement. I don't mean to be harsh, really, but the reality of a break-up is usually totally different for a dumper than a dumpee.

 

Sure, most dumpers don't want to look like the bad guy, but at the end of the day, most are still going to live their lives as they choose without stopping to think how their ex will see it. That level of consideration usually fades once the relationship officially ends. Some will say they want to be alone, I realize, but often those are just words meant to soften the blow rather than genuine intent to stay single.