In Laws

[SparklingandBroken]

How often do you see your in laws? Is it equal to how often you and your spouse spend time with your own family?

[d0nnivain]

When my parents were alive DH & I saw them at least once per week for dinner at their club on Fridays. They were older & before I met DH I had organized my life to accommodate this obligation. I probably saw my parents 2-3 times per week in addition because I was involved in their health care.

 

DH's parents are divorce but they both live more then 2,000 miles away from us. So we maybe see them once per year. At this point we haven't seen his dad for 2 years. We are slated to see him & stepMIL in November.

[Mr. Lucky]

How often do you see your in laws?

 

Why do you ask?

 

Mr. Lucky

[mrs rubble]

I see my parents more than my in laws as they live closer and often call by to see me, but we regularly get together with both sets of parents for lunch or dinner somewhere, usually every couple of months or so. Last Christmas we all celebrated together.

[SJS]

As a family, we normally see his mom & step dad at EVERY holiday and several other times over the year. His dad & stepmom you can count on one hand the amount of times we've seen over the last 20 years (they don't live close). My family maybe 2-3 times a year.

 

But, about once a week my mom visits during the day while my husband is at work so we can catch up, and she's here when the school bus drops off but makes sure to be long gone by the time he gets home. However, I suspect we will be seeing a lot more of both sets just due to their ages, one's failing health, downsizing to a smaller home, and just needing more help.

[Woggle]

Not everybody but often. They are great and in their words they have adopted me so we get along very well. They are flower children from the 60s who never sold out in the 80s and when I look at them I see why my wife is the woman she is. They also have the kind of marriage that should serve as an example to others.

[Dandelioness]

I can't really comment, personally speaking.

 

It often depends on existing factors:

1) Geographical issues

2) Attachments styles we have with our own parents

3) Health matters

4) Financial barriers

5) Job scheduling

6) Lifestyle

7) Attachment styles we have with our in-laws .. etc

 

Why do you ask?

[SparklingandBroken]

 

Why do you ask?

 

We live equal distance from our parents, both family oriented. But I feel that all of my time is dominated by HIS family and HIS friends. He will miss important gatherings but expects me to be at all of his family stuff. I have had MY friends and our mutual friends tell me how much we see his family is excessive. I know that my mom in particular gets her feelings hurt because it has come to the point that they know not to expect him at gatherings unless it's a major holiday or if he has nothing better to do. If something is planned on the same day, and his family procrastinated it's not even a compromise. He'll be doing whatever his family wants.

[d0nnivain]

You know this. You know he will always pick them. He's not going to change. So there you have it. Is this the hill on which you want your marriage to die?

[preraph]

You have the choice not to go along with it. That's what you need to do if it's building up resentment. It's not really fair or equal, so I'd put my foot down. Personally, I would not be anxious to have frequent visits with in-laws or parents, myself. I think a phone call will usually do.

[SparklingandBroken]

You know this. You know he will always pick them. He's not going to change. So there you have it. Is this the hill on which you want your marriage to die?

 

No, this is one facet of our issues. But it is a constant struggle. What bothers me the most is that his expectations of me are more than what he is willing to do for me.

 

As an adult, I realize there are things that I will have to do that I don't always "feel" like doing because that's what you do for someone you say you love, but he is not much interested in things he doesn't want to do.

[SparklingandBroken]

You have the choice not to go along with it. That's what you need to do if it's building up resentment. It's not really fair or equal, so I'd put my foot down. Personally, I would not be anxious to have frequent visits with in-laws or parents, myself. I think a phone call will usually do.

 

It really is incessant. There are 3 siblings, one doesn't attend much because she is younger. But I think a lot of the constant get togethers is because his siblings don't have friends of their own.

[d0nnivain]

Have you phrased your concerns to him that way: that it's unfair for him to expect things of you that he wouldn't be willing to do for you? That may help him either ease up what he expects you to do or show up more at your stuff so you don't stop doing his stuff.

[SparklingandBroken]

Have you phrased your concerns to him that way: that it's unfair for him to expect things of you that he wouldn't be willing to do for you? That may help him either ease up what he expects you to do or show up more at your stuff so you don't stop doing his stuff.

 

One particular time that we were at his parents house late on a Friday night even though I had to work the next morning, on the way home he said he was proud of me that I stayed so late but that he would not be returning the favor on Sunday (my Grandpa's bday). I told him I was sick of my efforts not being reciprocated.

 

Another example would be that his aunt's husband's 92 y/o mother died and he expected me to go to that service, but he will not be attending MY grandpa's memorial. Because his family decided to plan something last minute that same day.

 

These aren't just situations of random dinners or game nights he's missing, but big milestone events in my life.

[d0nnivain]

I get it. I had a BF like that. When his mother died I did everything. At the close of that year on New Year's Eve we were talking & he said he was so glad that year was over. I agreed but then later said something about how glad I was that we were a team & that I was grateful knowing he'd be there for me when my parents died. He point blank said he would never do that. My heart died a little that night. It still took me a while to finally come to the realization that he was never going to change.

 

I wasn't married to my BF & I eventually walked away. Only you know how much more you are willing to tolerate but you have to realize he won't change.

[Mr. Lucky]

It really is incessant. There are 3 siblings, one doesn't attend much because she is younger. But I think a lot of the constant get togethers is because his siblings don't have friends of their own.

 

Are these get-togethers monthly? Weekly?

 

This speaks to a lack of your own separate life together. Do the two of you have activities away from family?

 

Mr. Lucky

[SparklingandBroken]

Are these get-togethers monthly? Weekly?

 

This speaks to a lack of your own separate life together. Do the two of you have activities away from family?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

More often than not, we see his family multiple times a month. We very rarely go on dates just the two of us.

[Blanco]

Is this the same guy from your other threads three and four years ago?

[Mr. Lucky]

We very rarely go on dates just the two of us.

 

Thant's really the issue, the interfering activity is secondary. If he was dragging you to watch him play soccer every weekend, you'd be just as dissatisfied.

 

Have you calmly discussed your desire to build a life separate from EITHER of your families?

 

Mr. Lucky

[TheRainbow]

Before July 2018 About once or twice a year because my husband and I lived 12 hours a way. After July 2018 since we moved back to the same city, state, not often. They hate me for good reason, and I spent maybe a few hours, a couple times. They do see my children often.

[Dandelioness]

More often than not, we see his family multiple times a month. We very rarely go on dates just the two of us.

 

What's multiple times per month? 2-3.. 6-7?

 

His family is important to him so if they plan a function at the last minute that interferes with your family gathering, go without him. Your family is important to you.

 

What's his beef against your grandpa?..or your family?

[SparklingandBroken]

What's multiple times per month? 2-3.. 6-7?

 

His family is important to him so if they plan a function at the last minute that interferes with your family gathering, go without him. Your family is important to you.

 

What's his beef against your grandpa?..or your family?

 

Nothing, those are 2 different grandpas I referenced. And it varies some months it might be 5 times.

[Dandelioness]

My partner's parents live a few doors away. He sees them every day, multiple times per day, with and without the girls. If they're babysitting for us, I sometimes drop in to help with the pick up and for a bit of chit-chat. If there's a family event, I'm expected to attend unless there's a reason that prevents me from going (which rarely happens). I don't see my family so it's a non-issue from my side. My point being, you can't put a limit on family time. It doesn't sound like he's seeing his family too excessively.

 

I think we have familial obligations with our partners. If you feel he's not meeting your needs and he couldn't care less about your family, you're probably right. By that, I'd wonder if he could care less about you, too.

 

I see his bad attitude about your family time as a red flag.