Yet another success for the awkward chap

[guest569]

Women DO experience tons of rejection, most of them. It's just not the same scenario, rejection right up front. Instead they get guys playing them long enough to get sex who then ghost them. So women actually give up something in the process and are humiliated by that sometimes because they were fooled. It's a different type of rejection than just being told no or being ignored by someone you barely know. It's worse, really.

 

Well, I've been rejected up front, ignored, ghosted. Tonnes of guys on online dating don't respond, or give one word boring texts, or are flat out rude, or just drift away. My many crushes during school wanted nothing to do with me. My dad left. The love of my life left. So...the idea that it's only men who get rejected is false - I'm not sure why everyone just accepts that as factual around here.

 

But being rejected after a few dates, a relationship etc. that is much harder to take. Those with limited experience might not have yet felt that horrible feeling of their heart being stomped all over. Definitely better to be rejected cause some guy doesn't wanna bang me, than the love of my life saying 'soz, don't love ya back, Happy New Year!'

[basil67]

It's a difficult balance to follow, with the man's duty being to push as much as the woman is comfortable with, while simultaneously projecting an attitude of "I don't care what she thinks". You have to care somewhat if you want to be reasonably well received?

 

I don't want either of these. I like a guy who's enthusiasm matches my own. And I am obvious when enthusiastic. A guy who doesn't care what I think....I won't care about. He's probably a conceited twat.

[chillii]

Well, I've been rejected up front, ignored, ghosted. Tonnes of guys on online dating don't respond, or give one word boring texts, or are flat out rude, or just drift away. My many crushes during school wanted nothing to do with me. My dad left. The love of my life left. So...the idea that it's only men who get rejected is false - I'm not sure why everyone just accepts that as factual around here.

 

But being rejected after a few dates, a relationship etc. that is much harder to take. Those with limited experience might not have yet felt that horrible feeling of their heart being stomped all over. Definitely better to be rejected cause some guy doesn't wanna bang me, than the love of my life saying 'soz, don't love ya back, Happy New Year!'

 

 

 

 

l'm sorry about the run you've had , but things you and others have said does just reinforce what l'm always telling guys allllllll the time.

They all think women are calling all the shots and have it made on date sites and in the real world and ra ra ra.

But l never found that at all with anyone l ever met because at the end of the day there is soooo much more to it.

But again l am surry about your run.

[Garcon1986]

I honestly don't know what to make of you sometimes Garcon. You seem to be intellectually curious about all these subjects that the majority of people have no interest in but when it comes to human and romantic communication, it's almost like your curiosity ceases.

 

Gaius please teach me what you know.

 

All of your criticisms about me are true. I usually try to start a conversation by figuring out what she is interested in. I've tried brainstorming what went wrong with that rejection and it was probably looking at her the wrong way. I don't know the difference between "expressing that primal urge" and staring at her in the wrong way, I have no clue on how to express it in a socially acceptable way other than trying to look her in the eye and seeing if she looks back. My conclusion after brainstorming is that I have one set of thoughts, and my body language displays another set of intentions, which women dislike. I have had across the board great feedback from my coworkers and patient care so I know I have that part down.

 

I have tried to be more open-minded about those who don't like intellectual pursuits but I can't honestly bring myself to talk about things like Game of Thrones or the latest reality TV show. I've tried and it feels quite fake.

 

A few years back I have tried to tone down my urge to talk about my hobbies and interests, and it is working reasonably well, I learned a long time ago that what interests me does not interest the women around me. I've still tried to honestly try to start a conversation about football, beer/ craft beer, and hunting, and these conversations fall flat because I can't be honest in my adoration of these things. I feel fake and the women can feel it immediately.

Edited May 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

The fact you need to think up topics of conversation with women will always give the impression that you are fake.

Good conversations flow naturally, they can take you places you never thought of in advance.

This is not an exam situation, you don't need to get top marks and "impress" them.

In hospital you are dealing with an educated population, they are not going to want to be "impressed" by you. "Who do you think you are anyway?"

No-one really likes a know it all, with all the answers. Women like honest decent two way conversations, no-one wants to be lectured to.

 

Too obsequious, too wimpy - reject.

Too arrogant, too over confident - reject.

You need to be somewhere in the middle.

[Garcon1986]

I see online profiles where women give two sentences, and I am supposed to magically come up with an exciting conversation. No clue on how to do that?

 

I've met women who give me no hints on what they like to talk about in real life, so I ask them what are the most recent fun experiences they've had. Instant disapproving look. How am I supposed to telepathically know what they like to talk about?

 

On the other hand, if I go to a physics club or chemistry club or French club, the conversation is fantastic because I know I have at least one item in common.

[elaine567]

(Excluding the socially awkward, shy, or women with issues) truth is if they were interested in you, they would talk about just about anything enthusiastically.

That is how it works.

They are simply not motivated enough to put on the charm.

Edited May 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

Yet quite a few here have been praising the confident man who walks up and has a little bit of the "I don't mind too much what you think, I'll impress you and have a great conversation" attitude?

 

I think the "don't care what you think" is for the men, so they don't take it too hard. I mean, you don't usually know the woman well enough that you should care that much if you are ignored or rejected. Could be any number of reasons: She's taken, she's lesbian, she only likes blondes. So there's no reason to get your feelings hurt and assume it's a slam on you.

 

But confidence allows a man to be calm when dealing with women. Perhaps self-assured makes other people relax and let down their guard.

[preraph]

Having experienced both types of rejection, I'd have to disagree. I prefer it when a woman rejects me after a few dates and sex rather than before. Of course, I have far, far more experience with rejection from the start, so that probably affects my point of view.

 

Well, that's because women don't like to be used for sex and men apparently do!

[Shining One]

I won't deny that I enjoy sex. However, in my mind, it's more like this: A woman who rejects me at the start is saying she sees no potential in me. A woman who goes on several dates and sleeps with me is saying she see's some potential in me and was willing to give it a shot.

 

I've learned to deal with rejection quite well over the years, but if I had a choice, I would prefer all of my rejections to be the second type. I'm sure you would prefer all of your rejections to be the first type. My point is, which is "worse" is a matter of opinion for the one on the receiving end. Neither one nor the other is universally worse.

Edited May 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Shining One]

Well, I've been rejected up front, ignored, ghosted. Tonnes of guys on online dating don't respond, or give one word boring texts, or are flat out rude, or just drift away.

I think it's a difference in labelling. When I think of rejections, I think of this: Person A asks Person B out and Person B says no. The example you provided I would label as a breakup. Edited May 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

It's not a breakup because there was never exclusivity. It was just "not dating anymore."

[Shining One]

I'm referring to the love of her life saying he doesn't love her any more. I admit, I'm assuming it's a breakup because I wouldn't refer to someone I was never in a relationship with as the love of my life.

Edited May 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[guest569]

Haha, it's 100% a rejection and of course led to a breakup. I'm not sure why you see it as either or, but rejection was one of the main feelings there.

Edited May 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

Because just dating is not a commitment. You can't break up with someone who isn't your girlfriend and is just one girl you date.

[guest569]

I also felt like.. That's it there is noone else. But I later found that there are others who want to date me, which makes it easier. So I can see your point (or was it OP) about cumulative up front rejections. It could make one feel quite hopeless, whereas I guess if you've dated someone and then been rejected at least you got somewhere, even if not very far in some cases.

[guest569]

Because just dating is not a commitment. You can't break up with someone who isn't your girlfriend and is just one girl you date.

 

Shining was referring to my experience with my first bf which was indeed a breakup.

[basil67]

I see online profiles where women give two sentences, and I am supposed to magically come up with an exciting conversation. No clue on how to do that?

 

No! You must ignore those who give two sentence. If they aren't bothered to do a helpful intro, they aren't going to be bothered to put forward any effort in getting to know you. Honestly, they aren't worth your time.

[basil67]

I see online profiles where women give two sentences, and I am supposed to magically come up with an exciting conversation. No clue on how to do that?

 

No! You must ignore those who give two sentence. If they aren't bothered to do a helpful intro, they aren't going to be bothered to put forward any effort in getting to know you. Honestly, they aren't worth your time.

 

Also, instead of trying to work out what her interests are, you're better off looking for a mutual interest. Again, if they aren't holding up their end of the 'getting to know you' process, forget about them. They aren't worth the effort.

[guest569]

Hmm not necessarily. Maybe she hasn't filled her profile in yet, or maybe not keen to over share on the profile. 2 sentences is a LOT on some of the apps. Does mean she ain't a chatter box lol.

 

Also in the real world, you don't get someone's life story before even saying hi. So I kinda think it can't hurt to develop some small talk (and I think it's fine to have a few ideas up your sleeve on generic topics to discuss)

Edited May 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Garcon1986]

Do you have some general suggestions on what constitutes being a good flirt? The only way I know how is with the extremely nerdy crowd, and with them I've had quite suggestive conversations about integral calculus or biochemistry.

Edited May 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[thefooloftheyear]

Turn your pants pockets inside out and ask her if she would be interested in kissing the bunny on the nose...:laugh:

 

TFY

Edited May 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Shining One]

Haha, it's 100% a rejection and of course led to a breakup. I'm not sure why you see it as either or, but rejection was one of the main feelings there.

I'm not sure why either. My ex-GF of 4.5 years broke up with me in March. I don't feel "rejected" per se. I felt we gave it a shot and it didn't work out, so she decided to end it. Sure, it hurts a lot worse than some random woman I just asked out saying "no", but I still don't feel rejected. I'm weird though, so that may just be me.

[Gretchen12]

People who are awkward, don't know WHY they're awkward. If they knew, they would stop doing that and stop being awkward.

 

Sometimes awkward people think they are awkward because of what they don't do (be witty, outgoing etc.). Actually the awkwardness is what they do (that they shouldn't have done).

 

You may do something that you think is ok, something you do with your friends and family, but often it doesn't go over well with the general population because it's too specific. Not being awkward means having a good sense of what is generally acceptable.

 

As for meeting women, a lot of men approach women, and overall I am not seeing men push the envelope of acceptability. When they push those limits is when they fail.

 

I have two good things to say in support of you. First, you look good and you're smart. Second, i have read many of your posts and I have not noticed misogyny. Misogyny is quite prevalent on internet forums. Oh yes we recognize it when we see it. You have not had good luck, but you are still a gentleman to all women. Frustration yes, but no hatefulness. So kudos to you.

 

Like I said before, you need to get out but you need not try too hard. (And move to another region!)

[gaius]

(Excluding the socially awkward, shy, or women with issues) truth is if they were interested in you, they would talk about just about anything enthusiastically.

That is how it works.

They are simply not motivated enough to put on the charm.

I normally would agree with you Elaine but I think Garcon is a little different in the way he interacts with people. Imagine you were at a party and you met a guy who just asked you questions. Didn't play off a whole lot of what you said. When you started to give off vibes you didn't want to talk anymore he didn't pick up on them and just kept talking. Even if you were attracted to him at the outset I think you would start feeling a little uncomfortable after a bit. Which is what's probably happening with these women.

 

Your first step Garcon should just be figuring out non sexual interaction to be honest. You walk into a Subway at 7pm, there's a girl behind the counter. You don't know anything about this girl but you do know that she works at Subway, you know that working with the public means she has to put up with annoying customers, you've seen Subway workers putting up with annoying customers yourself, and you know she works late. So you don't have to read her mind, you already have a wealth of information to mine for conversational purposes. Just from walking in the door.

 

So now you're stuck there for two minutes while she puts together your sandwich and sticks it in the toaster. Based on what you know about her, what do you talk about that she might find interesting? A lot of times I'll just comment on the busyness of the place and that usually spurs them to start talking about their day, which makes for a comfortable and friendly two minute wait for my sandwich. A single guy could run laps with those two minutes though if he knew what he was doing.