elaine567 Posted May 24, 2019 Share Posted May 24, 2019 (edited) I normally would agree with you Elaine but I think Garcon is a little different in the way he interacts with people. I agree but my "new" lack of interest/attraction would still be the reason for my change into monosyllabic answers and unenthusiastic responses. This is where the creepiness factor come in too, he doesn't get my non verbal communication, telling him "Enough is enough, I am no longer interested" so I am getting a little creeped out, "Should I run?" Edited May 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 Garcon, Do you think you might benefit from a dating coach? I heard of there’re less expensive ones who will coach via email. You might want to let your coach (or a buddy) see your messages before sending them to your potential dates during the early stage of interactions. It seems that you still have much difficulty telling whether a joke is flat, or how to interact with newly met people without jumping into a big novel on a topic only you’re interested in. All of my previous and current boyfriends are very intellectual, but we got into those topics organically. You don’t want others (much less strangers you just met) to think talking to you is such a painful chore. A lot of us are rooting for you, because you’re respectful to women despite your lack of (too much) success in your dating life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Garcon1986 Posted May 25, 2019 Author Share Posted May 25, 2019 I did indeed spend money on a dating coach in 2012, and he helped me get through the painful steps from zero skills at all to where I am today. I think my two most basic issues are - I think my humor is more along the lines of Mr Bean, whereas the majority of the world likes the humor of Stephen Colbert or Dave Chappelle - who can teach me how to make humor like that via an online medium? I've attempted to learn it online but have failed. I think discovering other people's interests is a painful chore for me in about 3/4 of cases, because the local women sense something they don't like about my body language and will refuse to open up even despite my best efforts. I can enjoy great conversations with the medical students closest to me but that's because we are all about the same intellectually. I can sense that part of that is personal/ professional boundary, of being nice because they don't want to insult the "officer on deck" or "I'm here just because I have to be". I fall flat in guessing what someone likes when I have nothing to go on. Yesterday I got a scowl even for something as normal as asking for the water machine from a new nurse. How could a dating coach teach me something like allowing people to feel like they are in a natural conversation from far away? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 I think a lot of the people you work with genuinely like you. Of course, some is polite professionality, but even that can earn mutual respect. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 (edited) The Mr Bean analogy cracked me up, btw , even though it wasn’t intended to be a joke! I think it’s important to be spontaneous, instead of having a few canned jokes ready. The easiest way to start a convo with someone you don’t know well is to pay attention to what’s going on around you. Just make a quick comment about your immediate surroundings and things will develop organically with the right chemistry. Also, be a good listener!! p.s. That new nurse could just be having a bad day. Don’t take things too personally Edited May 25, 2019 by JuneL Link to post Share on other sites
Author Garcon1986 Posted May 25, 2019 Author Share Posted May 25, 2019 I'm game for speaking with another dating coach but could you advise me on which chap to ask advice from? I think we've isolated my primary problems. The challenge is how to get real time feedback on my interactions. I've spent plenty of time just reading coaching advice and it hasn't totally resolved my situation. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 Yeah. You don't have to be a standup comedian. I find Stephen Colbert cold and rigid, myself and don't like his humor. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 Garcon1986 wrote; Yesterday I got a scowl even for something as normal as asking for the water machine from a new nurse. How could a dating coach teach me something like allowing people to feel like they are in a natural conversation from far away? In some departments there is a definite hostility between nurses and doctors, some nurses feel their role is not to assist doctors, they are professionals in their own right and are not happy being at the beck and call of doctors, especially young ones. Could that be the issue here? As for a dating coach is there not some local person who could give you one on one personal instruction? Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 I'm game for speaking with another dating coach but could you advise me on which chap to ask advice from? I think we've isolated my primary problems. The challenge is how to get real time feedback on my interactions. I've spent plenty of time just reading coaching advice and it hasn't totally resolved my situation. I don’t think you need to get one of those overpriced famous coaches. The following NYTimes article may provide some pointers: http://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/28/style/should-i-hire-a-dating-coach.amp.html Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 I agree but my "new" lack of interest/attraction would still be the reason for my change into monosyllabic answers and unenthusiastic responses. This is where the creepiness factor come in too, he doesn't get my non verbal communication, telling him "Enough is enough, I am no longer interested" so I am getting a little creeped out, "Should I run?" Exactly. Or you get so frustrated you end up giving a cold shoulder so obvious people can see it from miles away. Honestly some of my best education about conversation dynamics have just come from people watching. Sitting somewhere and listening to people chat, seeing the back and forth, seeing how they respond to different things. When I was writing my last post some guy was at the Subway counter making lame jokes about onions. The girls gave him a pity laugh but even though the jokes weren't funny I got the vibe they appreciated him trying to entertain them on some level. That was his style and it worked for him. You can also study yourself and your energy/reaction after every encounter. I've noticed when I'm relaxed and a little aggressive people tend to respond to me way better than when I'm trying too hard. Women tend to respond to that energy in a sexual manner once in a blue moon as well, which means I have to be careful where I put it out as I have no interest in anyone except my wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Garcon1986 Posted May 26, 2019 Author Share Posted May 26, 2019 Can you describe the scene when you are relaxed and aggressive gaius? Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 Was that dating coach years ago useful in helping you meet your past dates/girlfriends? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Garcon1986 Posted May 26, 2019 Author Share Posted May 26, 2019 Yes my very first thoughts about dating were that it was hopeless, that everybody was taken, that nobody would like me, and that my expectations were so distorted by the modern movie scene that I would only be happy with Natalie Portman. I was absolutely despondent in 2012. The chap who coached me was instrumental in getting me up to my current day dating skills; I have him to thank for getting all my dates and relationships. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 Thanks for responding. You mentioned in a couple of places that confident men are supposed not to care about what women think. Not sure where you got that idea from. But it’s true that a confident man doesn’t give a $hit about the outcome of his encounter with a particular woman. He just lives in the moment and be spontaneous; he knows he can meet another quality woman if things don’t work out with this one. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 I know we have skated around race before, but could all these dating troubles you encounter be simple racism, not the kind of racism that involves violence and hate speech but more of the kind of racism that shows up as irritation or annoyance with those seen as "foreign" or that shows up as a disinclination to date anyone "different". I just feel if your social skills were seriously awry, the effect would show up in your clinical practice too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Garcon1986 Posted May 26, 2019 Author Share Posted May 26, 2019 Elaine the ladies in my immediate vicinity don't explicitly tell me, but their actions show me that they only date within their community. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 Oh, for sure that's what it is. It's about people usually prefer to date within their own race or culture. Which is why I keep saying he's got to get out of Mississippi and get to a big urban place with multicultures and lots of blendy people. Like where I live, Dallas, it's really blendy, but it's not blendy with Asian. Asians here kind of have their own community and I can only recall twice in my lifetime seeing a white girl with an Asian guy on what looked like a date. But West Coast and probably East Coast is going to be a lot more blendy and a better place for him, where there's more people like him who don't feel particularly drawn to Asian cultures but are Asian or just people who are totally used to being around Asians because there are so many in that location. There's no shame in saying people aren't always attracted to people not of their own kind. It's natural. A Yale study says even babies are like that. It's what you're familiar with, it's the face you can read, it's the body language you can read. People are afraid of other cultures because right away, they don't even know if they can communicate with them or if it's going to be awkward. They don't know if the person is hostile toward them because they're white or black or whatever. And just communicating with them doesn't cure any issues that do exist. So people keep their distance. But Garcon is in a position where he wasn't raised particularly like most people in his race he would encounter and is more comfortable around non-Asians, I guess. But they're not more comfortable around him. Fortunately, he's in a profession where he'll meet all kinds of people, but he still is going to have a better chance once he gets to a more urban multicultural town. I truly believe he has a niche somewhere but not where he is. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 (edited) But there’re lots of individuals with a multicultural background in the medical research field. Also, I bet many medical students and residents are not from Mississippi originally. I met tons of people who had lived in multiple continents during my grad school years and beyond. In fact, the vast majority of my friends (no matter the race) have lived in multiple continents just like Garcon. I think Garcon should do well with someone with a multicultural background, instead of someone who is 100% American. Edited May 26, 2019 by JuneL Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted May 27, 2019 Share Posted May 27, 2019 Generally when I'm relaxed and aggressive I'm relaxed and happy, with no worries on my mind. I've got a spring in my step and I put out a genuine confident and friendly energy. I also make good eye contact, engage people and run the conversation. Not nessicarily do all the talking, but direct it. I was like that this morning and as I was leaving from getting lunch one of the women who worked there came up to me and started talking about how amazing my manners were, that I had cleaned up my mess and pushed in my chair. I commented back a few times but she just kept going on and on so after about 15 seconds I kind of cut her off and wished her a good day. Back to being stern and aloof I think. Leave me alone! Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted May 27, 2019 Share Posted May 27, 2019 People could be onto something could be your area and general mentality there. Apart from that . l'd also imagine anyone work related , nurses or med students could feel a bit of intimidation as well as caution being work related and all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Garcon1986 Posted May 30, 2019 Author Share Posted May 30, 2019 I am in a business conference in Washington state. I had interesting conversation and lots of sexy eye contact with Dutch and Italian ladies and kept the interest level for two whole hours. It’s amazing to get that feeling again and be amongst extremely intellectual ladies. Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 I am in a business conference in Washington state. I had interesting conversation and lots of sexy eye contact with Dutch and Italian ladies and kept the interest level for two whole hours. It’s amazing to get that feeling again and be amongst extremely intellectual ladies. Oh sheesh. This would be so frowned upon where I'm from. What sort of business is going on here? Just surprising to me that you keep going for women in your profession as I would be keeping them extremely separate 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 I am in a business conference in Washington state. I had interesting conversation and lots of sexy eye contact with Dutch and Italian ladies and kept the interest level for two whole hours. It’s amazing to get that feeling again and be amongst extremely intellectual ladies. Garcon: Did you get their numbers and make a move? Not sure how many times I have said this, but you don’t go to some professional setting with the mindset of hitting on women; such romance should develop organically. We had a senior established guy in the profession who was hitting on younger women in a prestigious conference, and the organizers decided not to invite him again. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 It is inappropriate to hit on random women in a professional setting. They are there in a working capacity, not there for horny guys to ogle at and pick up. Politeness may have meant they put up with your "sexy" nonsense. Like at the dancing class, you may find you are eventually banned from attending... Subtlety is key, "lecturing" women for 2 solid hours, I guess is not a success story... Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 Garcon: What do you think about the 3 posts above? Link to post Share on other sites
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