Perhaps better off single

[chillii]

Worry not, @hotpotato

 

Women are happier without children or a spouse, says happiness expert

 

From the article:

 

 

 

For a few years maybe , after they've had it 20 yrs already and in not a very good relationship marriage .

But if that was really the case then what is hotp even doing here or the other millions of women in forums complaining about the same things, and why are there millions of women out there at all kinds of ages even looking for something lasting and loving and the real deal then..

And why do men get so much pressure from a woman to do something with the relationship and why are most women of all ages on 4 or 5 date sites at once,

And why are 90% of single women mid 20s to 30s and upward , so worried about meeting someone and their clock.

 

Women tend to talk tough and grandstand when asked these things in something like that or bragging to friends, fear and exhaustion .

Sure yeah some , but l don't believe most for one second. Hell l wish l could find one now after 20yrs of marriage , that just wanted some forever part time thing, that'd be a dream come true for me now.

But in 50s, it's still the same as it ever was, pressure to do something with this , where are we going what are we doing time time time.

l don;t believe one second 3/4 of the bs all over the net. None of it is even remotely like what l see in my world in RL.

Edited May 30, 2019 by chillii

[littleblackheart]

People tend to think everyone wants what they want and forget we are all wired differently.

 

When someone tells me they are searching for their happy forever, I believe them and don't judge them for it, at any age.

 

When I tell someone I don't want to be in a relationship, I don't want to be thought of as being 'in denial' or 'in the closet' or 'being damaged' or 'overcompensating'. It's actually quite liberating to know you have a very fulfilled life on your own terms, in the same way happily paired up people function better as part of a couple.

 

There is no grandstanding or 'talking tough' when a woman (or anyone) tells you they don't want to be in a relationship. Not believing them is part of the social conditioning thing, really. For all the people online complaining of not finding their match or continuously dating, there are a ton living a normal, quiet life whether in a relationship or not.

 

I don't personally think happiness and relationship status are connected at all. You can be happy or miserable single, you can be happy or miserable in a couple. I personally choose to be positive either way, and I don't want to be in a relationship.

[JuneL]

I agree with littleblackheart on a couple of points. First, it’s possible childless never married women can be happier in this time and age, when you can easily hire people to do stuff/pay for stuff that traditionally the other gender would do for you. But I wonder which category someone like me belongs to: While technically I’m never married and have no kids, I do have a serious partner.

 

Second, one can definitely have a very fulfilling life without kids or a partner. I had a friend in a miserable marriage who used to impose her “finding a husband to find your happiness” idea on me when I was single, I would tell her “then people like Isaac Newton and Mother Teresa who died a virgin must be damned” But if one says s/he prefers to stay single out of bitterness, it’s a different story.

[guest569]

I guess there are cases where people (women? Men?) kid themselves but im with little black heart. I trust the people who say they're happy. Not everyone wants marriage and children. Society has tried really hard to force this lifestyle upon us in obvious and subtle ways. Not everyone gives a toss about "biological clock" or have maternal and paternal NEED to reproduce, or even any desire to whatsoever. Trust me! Certainly don't pretend to know what I think and want just because of my age and gender. You really think all women in that 20 year span want exactly the same thing?

 

There's also a tonne of parents out there who never wanted the kids and still don't. They daydream about what their single life might look like now. There are others who can't imagine their life without their kids.

 

First, it’s possible childless never married women can be happier in this time and age, when you can easily hire people to do stuff/pay for stuff that traditionally the other gender would do for you.

 

Or they do it themselves, heaven forbid!

 

I basically give any job a go aside from electrical, and I wouldn't expect a partner to do electrical either unless he was qualified. I don't climb on the 2nd story roof and probably wouldn't be keen to let my man do that either.

 

I was at the hardware shop once asking about something and the response was "do you have a dad or boyfriend at home to do it?" that was 2014 not 1950. He was an older chap so I get it. Plus, I've hired people to do things that are beyond me and they usually botch it up anyway.

 

Oh.. And when I've had boyfriends, most of them couldn't do anything anyway and would pay someone to do it.

Edited May 30, 2019 by smiley1

[Mysterio]

Actually, I had sex on the first date with my last ex.

 

At this point, I wouldn't bother trying to go on a date with a man I don't immediately want to have sex with. I wouldn't mind dating a man I'm not super attracted to, but they almost always force my hand by trying to have sex asap.

 

I could go up to guys and ask them out, but I don't want to. Most of them have girlfriends. I'd almost have to go back to online dating or be a side chic. I don't find joy in meeting men. I dony enjoy relationships anymore.

 

Hot Potato. I still believe in you. You will meet an ideal man someday. About having Sex the first date. How long did you know the guy from when he was introduced.

 

For me. Even though it's expected from men. I can't imagine having sex on the first date with a woman. Making out yes. Sex. No way. She would have to be someone I knew for a long time and be the driving force behind that. I am way more methodical than that. I am more looking for a deep personal connection beyond the physical for me.

[chillii]

lt always hits me so bizarre the way especially women seem to equate having someone with jobs round the house or sperm banks.

Jesus when l think of having someone verses being alone , what she does for me is the last thing on the planet l think of. Like say cooking or house work stuff or shopping or whatever , you know sort of the female equivalent of how women talk about having a man and stuff round the house.

ls that really all people think a relationship or marriage is and that's what it's all for or about ?

 

The things l think is closeness , true partner in crime, best friend, life you build and have together you can't have with anyone else, affection ,closeness, intimacy., literally sharing of life like nobody else, the only person in the world you'll tell things and vise verse, 1000s of convos you'll never have with another human being,knows your every breath, you turn to, there for,share your very soul with, you'll know each others every breath like no one else on this planet.

Don't people in general even think about any of this stuff, or maybe they've just never actually had it so they don't even know it, god knows. But jobs round the house don't even enter the scale. Stuff like that is just a nice little bonus that might come with the real stuff.

Edited May 31, 2019 by chillii

[hotpotato]

Hot Potato. I still believe in you. You will meet an ideal man someday. About having Sex the first date. How long did you know the guy from when he was introduced.

 

For me. Even though it's expected from men. I can't imagine having sex on the first date with a woman. Making out yes. Sex. No way. She would have to be someone I knew for a long time and be the driving force behind that. I am way more methodical than that. I am more looking for a deep personal connection beyond the physical for me.

 

That's very sweet of you, Mysterio.

 

My ex? I'd maybe met him a week or two before.

 

The best people here could figure is that I'm low key seductive. Hmmm I dunno. My ex actually asked if I were a virgin on our first date. Frankly, some guys see what they want to see. A former stalker said I was wearing sexy shorts to entice him. No, iwas wearing athletic shorts bc it was 90 with 75% humidity, and I was probably wearing shorts the day we met. I'm not on these dates saying thongs like, "Spank me, daddy?!!"

[JuneL]

lt always hits me so bizarre the way especially women seem to equate having someone with jobs round the house or sperm banks.

Jesus when l think of having someone verses being alone , what she does for me is the last thing on the planet l think of. Like say cooking or house work stuff or shopping or whatever , you know sort of the female equivalent of how women talk about having a man and stuff round the house.

ls that really all people think a relationship or marriage is and that's what it's all for or about ?

 

The things l think is closeness , true partner in crime, best friend, life you build and have together you can't have with anyone else, affection ,closeness, intimacy., literally sharing of life like nobody else, the only person in the world you'll tell things and vise verse, 1000s of convos you'll never have with another human being,knows your every breath, you turn to, there for,share your very soul with, you'll know each others every breath like no one else on this planet.

Don't people in general even think about any of this stuff, or maybe they've just never actually had it so they don't even know it, god knows. But jobs round the house don't even enter the scale. Stuff like that is just a nice little bonus that might come with the real stuff.

 

True. But let’s face it, having such a partner is not the majority of married couples with kids. Single never married women are no longer social outcasts. They can be (much) happier than those in a miserable or meh marriage.

[heartbrokenlady]

The things l think is closeness , true partner in crime, best friend, life you build and have together you can't have with anyone else, affection ,closeness, intimacy., literally sharing of life like nobody else, the only person in the world you'll tell things and vise verse, 1000s of convos you'll never have with another human being,knows your every breath, you turn to, there for,share your very soul with, you'll know each others every breath like no one else on this planet.

 

 

This. This is what my relationships all started with. And finished with self serving manipulation and deception. Sooooo burnt out, singledom is balm to my soul.

 

I'd still love the ideal that Chillii writes about. But I'm too cynical now. I love doing the things that give me pleasure. Going to my favourite beach. Being creative. Reading. And I'm probably happier doing them alone than I would be doing them with an other half.

 

Single can be a choice. I'm happy with it.

[chillii]

Really , sorry to hear that. l sounded a bit mushy in that one l know but in 50s that is what l'm living and it still just blows me away, thought my time was over for sure.

It should grow though if anything but yeah l know that often isn't the case or as june said , lotta miserable married people out there too.

Unfortunately they were just the wrong people for you though and l know how hard it is to find believe me,we're very lucky if we do at all let alone keep it l know, it's not just you though never think that.

[JuneL]

Worry not, @hotpotato

 

Women are happier without children or a spouse, says happiness expert

 

 

As it turned out, there’s a huge error in that “study”...

 

https://www.vox.com/platform/amp/future-perfect/2019/6/4/18650969/married-women-miserable-fake-paul-dolan-happiness

[littleblackheart]

Yes, I read that. As I mentioned upthread, I don't thing the study matters so much as the shift in societal expectations in terms of accepting that single, childless women can be as happy as anyone else, as opposed to being afflicted with some sort of deficiency.

Edited June 9, 2019 by littleblackheart

[Mysterio]

As long as the Single childless woman does not care for physical affection and companionship. More power to them.

 

As a man who loves physical affection and emotional connection with a woman. Its hard on me being single. I am not a loner by nature and I am also not needing to be attached at the hip as well. I am well balanced.

 

Modern Day society bombardes us with music/tv/Moives and social media images basically stating that if you are not in love or withougt a love match. Something is wrong with you.

 

For me. I don't feel something is wrong with me. I have never had a great match all around. Thinking about myself. No matter if the woman is tall or short. Lean or slightly chunky or Black/White/Asien/Latino etc. Close in age or 10 yr plus.

 

The woman I end up going long term is going to have to be towards me. Sweet/Soft/Kind/Loving/Giving/Physically Affectionate and really making the moves on me. Enough to spark me into her. There is only so much I can give and after 24 yrs of really trying to make an effort with women romantically. I have to give myself a break.

 

I do notice that for some reason. I have mentioned this before. The more I come off as Aloof or not really trying to connect with a woman romantically. When it happens. I don't have to really work it as much. As opposed to really working it when I try. Which is setting up the dates etc. I still can't figure that out. Its like my life is telling me. Don't sweat it. Just go about your life and a great girl will pop up. No use to trying with other women when your life is going to bring the ideal match to you anyways.

[JuneL]

I think people should just respect the fact that not everyone has the same preferences.

[hotpotato]

As it turned out, there’s a huge error in that “study”...

 

https://www.vox.com/platform/amp/future-perfect/2019/6/4/18650969/married-women-miserable-fake-paul-dolan-happiness

 

I'm sure some married people are quite happy. I'm also sure there are a lot of ifs, ands, and buts.

 

I realize since I've given up on dating, I no longer worry about trying to be pleasing to a man. I love just being myself even if it meant being by myself. I'm back into a certain hobby full swing. In the past, if do it for guys, and they'd reject me. This hobby developed a negative sure around it. I know logically i shouldnt make that association, but i cant help how it felt. I feel relieved.

[chillii]

I think people should just respect the fact that not everyone has the same preferences.

 

 

 

 

Yep , who gives a damn l say , live and let live what's it matter what anyone else does.

[Mysterio]

I was at a night club on Saturday night. I saw a lot of women there. I got know vibe that they were happy. It just felt like a lot of them were there to escape boredom. I was there for the band.

 

Better of Single only works is if you have no desire for having an intimate connection, with the opposite sex/same sex and your family/friends/co-workers are enough.

 

Also, if you already have had at least a 1-2 yr relationship with a romantic prospect and your out of it now. You could chill. If you have not had that situation and its been a long time/your still out there dating. Its a lot harder to turn that off.

 

I am toggling between still wanting a romantic partner in a single women/Letting that woman come to me. As I keep stating here. I only seem to get any attention when I am in a " I don't care to romantically connect with a woman mode.

[chillii]

One of the biggest issues l've found for a guy l'd say mid 40s onward , is in a woman that can actually do this. lt might work the same for women too meeting a guy l dunno l don't have relationships with guys haha.

But since after my marriage and single again late 40s at the time , anyone l met , had stuff and often very big stuff, big enough that you literally may not be able or want to take on, no matter how perfect for you she might be.

And my gf is no different no matter how we feel about each other, l literally just do not know if l can take on her stuff.

Sure at these ages, everyone's gonna have it, but there's stuff and then there's stuff.

So in these kind of ways l have seriously wondered myself too about just staying single.

[JuneL]

One of the biggest issues l've found for a guy l'd say mid 40s onward , is in a woman that can actually do this. lt might work the same for women too meeting a guy l dunno l don't have relationships with guys haha.

But since after my marriage and single again late 40s at the time , anyone l met , had stuff and often very big stuff, big enough that you literally may not be able or want to take on, no matter how perfect for you she might be.

And my gf is no different no matter how we feel about each other, l literally just do not know if l can take on her stuff.

Sure at these ages, everyone's gonna have it, but there's stuff and then there's stuff.

So in these kind of ways l have seriously wondered myself too about just staying single.

 

Can you give a few examples of such “very big stuff”?

[chillii]

Tbh , in our case it's a bit too personal , but there also are big financial issues too on her part as well.

But just in other more general situations for example, came across it all, from kids with very serious problems , to big health problems that was really common, to physical stuff, financial problems ex troubles , or just too messed up after life, bpd , you name it on and on or often a good serving of a whole bunch of things .

Or say one girl for example so together even owned 5 houses and she seemed like such a sweetheart, 49, but within about 2 wks cracks, biggies, all this personality stuff started coming out very weird shyt even scary, l dunno what was wrong with her.

[chillii]

Like don't get me wrong, a lot of things are no ones fault or just the way it's gone, life, or we all make mistakes, my life ain't perfect either, it's just that taking many things on that are just coming with it. can be a huge decision.

[hotpotato]

Sometimes I think I feel like a failure for not doing something that comes easily to most women.

 

Today I admitted to myself that I can't imagine that a guy would want to date me more than a few months.

[Mysterio]

When I look at myself. I don't feel like I have much baggage.

 

I work a Big hospital. My job is basically secure. I have a cat. I live in a Condo. I don't have a car. I have a great relationship with my brother and parents. I have great friends. I don't have anything that I think will hinder a woman and I romantically or getting together. I have no kids. Never been married and my exes are not a major factor in my life.

 

I am a Black male age 48. I work out 5 times a week. I am doing intermittent fasting, So I am not hovering around 200 lbs. I am working out more to lose more weight. I stand 5/9. Look lean-ish. Shaved head. I listen to a lot of music/podcasts. I have certain shows that I watch, but I got off the cable and I don't want to feel locked down to my Condo watching every tv show under the sun. I go to a lot of music gigs as a patron. I think I am chill most of the time. I can talk on a variety of subjects and I am not a Loner. Yet I can do solo ventures.

 

I dress up when I have to and try to remain stylish. I don't think a woman getting involved with me is going to have major problems from my end. Unless she wants to live together/have kids right away. Or even sleep together very soon.

 

I feel like I am single more by default than deliberate intent. Or the Woman in my social environment are not as easy going to date.

[guest569]

cat is baggage tho..

[hotpotato]

7 things about dating intj women

 

This article is so relatable. I generally don't make it past the first few months of a relationship.

 

I don't care for dating games. I'd rather just say what I mean and mean what i say. It's caused issues with people on here as well.

 

My last ex said I wasn't very nurturing. Yet no matter how sweet ive tried to be, the result has always been the same. Other intj women get this, too. I'm just not traditionally girly.