He says his marriage is perfect

[central]

It is possible to have a (near) "perfect" marriage/relationship, yet still want both sex and an emotional bond with someone else. In fact, this is normal for people who are polyamorous. What may have been going on here is that he does not realize he is poly, or he is poly but his wife is not, so he cannot openly pursue his desires.

[Amethyst68]

I think many MM admit it to themselves only not to the OW.

 

 

Let's be honest quite often the MP (because MW do this too) are guilty o of admitting it to everyone but the AP. I know everyone thinks their partner is different but in my experience when they're in a place they're relaxed they're not that discreet.

 

 

I used to work in my local police headquarters. I really liked them but oh my god I would tell anyone I know to run fast in the opposite direction if they were thinking of marrying someone in law enforcement. No offence, I know there are some faithful ones in there but the cheating was rampant despite the sanctions that would be applied if they were caught or reported to the higher ups. These men (and women) would swear they love their families, they would die for them. The AP, a bit of fun, something they felt they deserved, sure they might say they love them if they felt it would get then something they wanted but it was a game, something laughed about over lunch.

 

 

Now I know some ended up with their APs but that wasn't through choice, they were helped in their decision by their BSs, although I'm not sure the OW was ever made aware of that fact.

 

 

I'm not the only person I've come across with stories like this. There are certain occupations which have a high percentage of cheaters and they are not subtle about it. Sometimes the only person not in the know is the BS, and then the AP thinks there is a level of discretion when in fact your relationship may be an open secret...

[Starswillshine]

But the reason this is so confusing to OW is that most men do not admit this to themselves. Most are not bold enough to say, "Yeah, I just want both, I don't care if that makes me a jerk." They believe their own narrative about their sex life not being good enough and having genuine feelings for the OW to make it OK. So then the OW thinks, "If the marriage is so bad and he has real feelings for me, why isn't he leaving?"

 

Of course, here we have an OP where the MM doesn't blame his wandering on the marriage, so she's asking a different question . . . "If his marriage is so great, how can he have feelings for me?" But it's not our feelings which protect us from having affairs. It's our self-awareness, our boundaries, our coping skills. A person who is strong in those areas won't concoct a narrative of justifications for doing something they know is unhealthy and wrong.

 

They admit it to themselves. They know they dont want a divorce. But a lot of women dont want ri sign up to be a side piece, so just like they lie to their wives every night and every moment, they fill their OW with romantic fantasies.

 

Of course it would be nice if everyone would be honest. I would have loved to not have been married to a cheater. But people dont get what they want when they are honest. Cheaters are selfish and self serving. I dont know why anyone would believe a word coming out of the mouth of a person who is cheating on their spouse.

[heartwhole2]

You know what's really tiresome? How much time women spend letting men declare that a marriage is a good one if the man feels happy and satisfied. It's not a good marriage if one of the partners is secretly watering another lawn. It's not a good marriage if one of the partners is only worried about his own satisfaction and not his partner's. It's not a good marriage if one of the partners feels like the rules don't apply to him and he can lie and cheat if he feels like it.

 

Who cares what the cheater's assessment of the marriage is? Whatever issues the marriage had without the affair (because every relationship has its own issues), the cheater has multiplied them a hundredfold, and then he has the gall to sit around thinking about how his marriage might be a little better for him if his wife was less demanding and more down with sex whenever he felt like it like the OW. How much time do you spend thinking about how your marriage might be a little better for your wife buddy?

 

In the stupid classic love triangle of a married man and a single OW, he's got two women concerned about his happiness while he's not truly concerned about anyone else's. If he were, he wouldn't be abusing one and using the other.

 

I encourage anyone trying to get inside a MM's head to step back and say, "The reasoning behind his actions doesn't matter. If he's lying to himself or to me, it doesn't matter. If his feelings are 'real' for me or not, it doesn't matter. What matters is that he is a selfish, conflict-avoidant, immature man who thinks his crap doesn't stink, and I am allowing it."

[DKT3]

But the reason this is so confusing to OW is that most men do not admit this to themselves. Most are not bold enough to say, "Yeah, I just want both, I don't care if that makes me a jerk." They believe their own narrative about their sex life not being good enough and having genuine feelings for the OW to make it OK. So then the OW thinks, "If the marriage is so bad and he has real feelings for me, why isn't he leaving?"

 

Of course, here we have an OP where the MM doesn't blame his wandering on the marriage, so she's asking a different question . . . "If his marriage is so great, how can he have feelings for me?" But it's not our feelings which protect us from having affairs. It's our self-awareness, our boundaries, our coping skills. A person who is strong in those areas won't concoct a narrative of justifications for doing something they know is unhealthy and wrong.

 

That doesn't work, it wouldn't get them laid. But on the rare occasion they do (and we have examples here) MW/OW still dont believe it, they still believe that he must somehow be unhappy.

 

Why he doesn't leave is obvious to EVERYONE except the MW/OW. women for the most part replace their husband when they cheat, they degrade their marriage, magnify issues so leaving in their minds at that moment seems like the best move. Simply put, most men dont do that. They dont replace their faithful wives with someone else's unfaithful wife, they wont walk away for that, despite telling them they will or want too. For men MW/OW is extra, complimentary not the main focus, even when they tell them they are.

[Aloha123]

You know what's really tiresome? How much time women spend letting men declare that a marriage is a good one if the man feels happy and satisfied. ."

 

I agree with you on some level, but if you were to ask my MM's wife whether their marriage was good, she too would absolutelysay yes. In fact, she has literally said on facebook that marrying him was the best decision of her life, that he is the best husband, etc. etc. And yes sure people tend to exaggerate on facebook, and of course the reality is that she is living a complete lie, but her husband DOES in fact prioritize her, they do have a great sex life, are still attracted to each other, do fun stuff together, are basically attached at the hip.

 

So except for her husband's little "problem" that the wife doesn't and likely will never know about, they are both right in their assessment of the marriage being pretty good.

[Starswillshine]

I agree with you on some level, but if you were to ask my MM's wife whether their marriage was good, she too would absolutelysay yes. In fact, she has literally said on facebook that marrying him was the best decision of her life, that he is the best husband, etc. etc. And yes sure people tend to exaggerate on facebook, and of course the reality is that she is living a complete lie, but her husband DOES in fact prioritize her, they do have a great sex life, are still attracted to each other, do fun stuff together, are basically attached at the hip.

 

So except for her husband's little "problem" that the wife doesn't and likely will never know about, they are both right in their assessment of the marriage being pretty good.

 

This was the same for me. We did a lot of things together. Liked the same hobbies..traveled frequently. Went to concerts all the time. And had sex nearly daily if he wasnt traveling for work..I was the sexually adventurous one. Ask him and he would tell you I was an amazing wife.

 

But it's like eating the same thing everyday for every meal. Some people kist crave different..some crave chaos. Some like messy. Easy thing to not be a confused OW... don't get involved with a lying, selfish person.

[aliveagain]

Been having affair with a MM for the last year. I have been married for twenty years, I love my dh but our sex life is beyond repair and I was only looking for some no strings fun (as awful as that sounds) MM and I were clear from the start that we wouldn’t leave our marriages and for the first few months everything was fine, meeting up once a week etc, texting a few times a week. Then he started wanting to talk on the phone and a full blown EA blossomed from that. He’s always maintained that his home life is perfect, a fact I can’t understand, if it was that great why would he enter into a full blown emotional and physical affair with another woman? We talked for at least an hour on the phone every day, he told me he thinks about me all the time and I’m like his second wife. All the time maintaining how perfect his marriage is. I ended it last week as I can’t bear to hear him say how great things are at home all the time. I’m finding it quite galling to be honest. I’ve gone no contact but I miss him like crazy and am having to sit on my hands to sto myself from texting him. I suppose my question is can a person be in a perfect relationship and fall for another person so hard? Or if you really truly love someone does that make you immune from infidelity? Finding it so confusing and hard right now to make sense of what’s happened. I feel like I was blindsided by him into an EA.

 

Are you saying that your husband can no longer have sex with you because of medical reasons? Why is bringing a third person into your marriage the right thing to do if you still want your marriage? Will your husband and children finding out end your marriage? Why was an affair your best solution? Why do you care if the O/M has a perfect marriage, why does it matter to you if this is only about his penis and what that penis does for you? Do you intend to tell the people that love you what you did? Why are you making your life so much harder then it needs to be, are all the important people in your life going to survive this? Are you better off now that you have done these things over where you were a year ago or is your life even more messed up? I only ask these questions to help me with my journey as someone that was betrayed by one I thought was happy and fulfilled.

[snowcones]

For MM, two is better than one... and this is the case for them even if they are in an unhappy marriage. Don't even get caught up in whether or not he's happy. He's not going to leave.

[Amethyst68]

If you've ever read in WS and divorce forums, a large number of the ones who had left were posting basically saying it wasn't their decision. Their BS had basically had enough and thrown them out. Some of them were trying to figure themselves out but some of them just went to the OW/OM told them they chose them because they don't have to find somewhere to stay.

[heartwhole2]

I agree with you on some level, but if you were to ask my MM's wife whether their marriage was good, she too would absolutelysay yes. In fact, she has literally said on facebook that marrying him was the best decision of her life, that he is the best husband, etc. etc. And yes sure people tend to exaggerate on facebook, and of course the reality is that she is living a complete lie, but her husband DOES in fact prioritize her, they do have a great sex life, are still attracted to each other, do fun stuff together, are basically attached at the hip.

 

So except for her husband's little "problem" that the wife doesn't and likely will never know about, they are both right in their assessment of the marriage being pretty good.

 

What is the measure of a good marriage? Is it attraction and fun times? The absence of too much conflict? One partner "prioritizing" the other when he's not investing time, energy, and money into a secret secondary relationship?

 

I'll share my definition of a healthy and loving marriage. It's two partners who inspire each other to be better people, who work toward common goals, who deserve and give the benefit of the doubt, who resolve conflicts in healthy ways, who create a stronger whole than the sum of their parts, who complement each other's weaknesses, who provide selfless support when the other is going through a hard time, who create a joyful home, who are honest with themselves and each other.

 

When my husband had his five month affair, he behaved very oddly due to the stress and guilt. And I'm glad he did. If he could have cheerfully acted like everything was normal, that would mean he's farther along the psychopathy spectrum than I could see ourselves walking back from. Only a person who lacks empathy can deceive the person they promised fidelity to and act like it's no big deal because they're still being a good husband. And what is a marriage without empathy?

 

We could all find some dude to give us good sex and fun times in about ten minutes. But I want a lot more than that out of my life partner. Ignorance is not bliss; it's having your reality stolen from you by someone else's selfishness.

[norudder]

I have some threads on loving 2 women and polyamory if you're interested in reading, posters contributed some good insights.

 

Generally if there's deceit it's plain selfishness and an unhealthy understanding of "love" different from a majority of others base definition.

 

The takeaway I'd suggest for you is to realize it doesn't matter his views on his marriage, other than it's made you think. Use that as a springboard for focusing on your own behavior, beliefs, values and how much integrity they have to one another, or how much they are out of sync......

[Aloha123]

I'll share my definition of a healthy and loving marriage. It's two partners who inspire each other to be better people, who work toward common goals, who deserve and give the benefit of the doubt, who resolve conflicts in healthy ways, who create a stronger whole than the sum of their parts, who complement each other's weaknesses, who provide selfless support when the other is going through a hard time, who create a joyful home, who are honest with themselves and each other.

 

Yes i agree with all of this, but I think we are talking apples and oranges. Yes, sure, on some macro level of course my MM's marriage is terrible, particularly from the wife's perspective if she knew what was actually going on -- that he has been cheating on her mercilessly for more than 20 years with various women.

My only point was, for the time being, from both of their perspectives, they would and do describe their marriage as great. For what it's worth, my mm probably is a complete sociopath insofar as his ability to completely compartmentalize and not even feel guilty about his affair when he is with her or to let it infringe on his attitude or feelings towards her.

As for the fun/passion/sex versus true authenticity/support, of course the latter leads to the former, and yes it is quite possible to have the former without the latter, and yes everybody wants both. I happen to have a marriage that has neither, so for me one of those aspects would certainly be better than nothing. And yes we are almost certainly headed for divorce, btw. But I don't want to hijack this thread.

Edited May 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DumbCow]

Maybe the marriage is “perfect” for them. Maybe she knows that he has affairs & it’s part of their deal. Maybe she also has affairs & they enjoy ‘comparing notes’. You will probably never know the truth of what motivates him.

 

From what you post he has always been completely honest with you. What makes you think that he’s not completely honest at home with his wife?

 

Many of the responses here are from people putting their own experiences, beliefs, morals etc onto your MM but (obviously) they do NOT know him, his thoughts or his marriage. Some people are far from the ‘norm’ & live their lives by their own (sometimes VERY different) rules.

[Aloha123]

?

 

Many of the responses here are from people putting their own experiences, beliefs, morals etc onto your MM but (obviously) they do NOT know him, his thoughts or his marriage.

 

Yes that's what people on this forum do. So you have to take everything with a grain of salt. BUT, you'd be shocked at the extent to which most affairs follow a similar script, have a similar dynamic, etc., even though everybody wants to think they are the exception.

[DKT3]

Most things with human beings follow a similar pattern, behavior is simply not as varied as most believe. Affairs are even tighter cast then most. People who have affairs like to believe that anyone could have affairs, which is false. I mean they could physically but mentally and emotionally they couldn't. While some will no matter the status of their marriage or how well their spouse treats them.

 

It funny that the common opinion is people don't cheat in good relationships yet they say not all affairs are the same...hmm ironic.