Wife's emotional affair with ex

[emotionallybroken9]

Hey all, I need your help. Been married for 7 years, dated for 2 years, 1 kiddo (5 years old). Wife emotionally left many years ago, but still showed signs. I didn't know she was emotionally out until I caught her text message emotional affair about 4 months ago with her ex bf.

 

She's been answering everything, but only if I ask it right. Essentially, only TODAY do I get more info. She and he texted in secret for 10 months. They shared PG pictures (apparently). They talked about old times. He wanted to meet up (lives in Canada, us in USA), but she said no because it's crossing a line.... apparently. But, she still continued the affair for about 4 months until I caught her by accident. I saw a stranger's text message and asked about it, to which she was immediately "truthful"

 

I only today found out that they had talked about sex, him sending her his one picture (apparently), and how she promised they'd meet up AFTER the inevitable divorce. I asked "did u send pics" she said "yes all pg", then 20 mintues later I asked "were all the pics pg?" she said "mine were..."

 

I think I'm done. I've changed so much. I know I could be even better, but man, when your partner has given up on you, gave you no love (TO WHICH SHE ADMITTED to doing on purpose over the last few years).

 

Like... she's even given up on me. Why would I keep committing time and life to this? I loved her. I loved our famiy. I worked 3 jobs bringing us from one country to another. I mean damnit, This year I got full time awesome ass job, amazing salary and insurance, but god damnit... why couldn't she be supportive during the tough years?

 

I'm so hurt guys. I really am. I read. I learn. I try to change for the better. I didn't deserve this. And the thing is, I just want her to be happy even now, but **** me. She JUST lied to me, or trickle truthed me, and its been happening for 4 god damn months now. And like I said, she's given up. She even said "this isnt working".

 

She loves me, but not IN LOVE with me. Thats fine at this point. But my confidence as a sexual man is GONE, and I'm SICK of talking to her and getting half answers until I ask the right question.

 

For now, it's heading to separation in June. She'll go visit her family with kiddo for the summer, then comes back in september to me in a different place. I told her who knows what'll happen, but she isn't trying to help me the way I need (affirmation, love, apologies, honestly just typical WS stuff thats expected), and she keeps thinking and saying that I deserve better, I'm too good, etc.

 

So... I'm being insane for staying right? ANd god... my kid... I can't let guilt be the factor to stay, but I want to stay. I never wanted to divorce, but how could I force someone to stay with me when they don't want to be to the point of having a 10 month secret emotional affair, leading to a physical union? How do I tell someone that wanted to get out of being with me THAT BADLY to stay with me????? And why would I?? Because I thought she could be awesome? She IS awesome, just not with me

 

So sorry.. just so broken and mad at her AND at myself for being mad at my soon to be ex-wife. Help...

 

I don't know what to do. I don't want divorce, but it takes two to make the marriage work, and she's given up, so do I give up?.... seriously, I hate this time right now

 

Also, how does one even life as divorced for another month? I don't want to move out. I don't want to hate her. I just want to be happy. I want her to be happy. I can't punish myself right? Or am I wrong for still not trying to win her over? I've been at it for so many years, how much is enough?

Edited May 20, 2019 by emotionallybroken9

[preraph]

Sorry. Not sure how bad her sending pg photos with the ex was. I mean, people exchange old photos. But if she's admitted she's kind of past wanting to work on the marriage, I guess divorce is imminent. You did a lot to provide. Maybe it gave her too much time to be on her own and get bored or whatever. Don't know.

 

I hope you just meet another woman who will be even better suited to you. Be sure and go to your kid's activities and flirt with single moms once you're out of the woods emotionally. Good luck.

[mark clemson]

There's no right or wrong as far as your feelings go and being torn is totally understandable. From what you say, if you need her love and loyalty to be happy then it sounds like there is really very little chance of happiness unfortunately. This question/answer stuff sounds passive aggressive to me - always a joy.

 

Wish I had great advice for you to make it work again, but I don't. The two of you could try MC if she'll go. It's a bit of a Hail Mary IMO, but maybe worth trying. Sorry I don't have more.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hey all, I need your help. Been married for 7 years, dated for 2 years, 1 kiddo (5 years old). Wife emotionally left many years ago, but still showed signs. I didn't know she was emotionally out until I caught her text message emotional affair about 4 months ago with her ex bf.

 

Certainly don't condone what she's done, but how do you expect success in a relationship that died "many years ago"? Your story shows the danger of ignoring problems and failing to address the disconnect early on.

 

Can't help but wonder what would happen were you both really vested in the outcome. I know you doubt her, but you might give her the opportunity to prove you wrong...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

It seems to me that you have intervened with the toddler, when they are starting to lose control but before the actual tantrum.

 

She hasn’t actually done anything that should irreversibly damage the relationship. Sure, your male ego is hurt and whether she decides to reinvest in the marriage remains to be seen...

 

But, like the toddler that can either calm and regain self control with a little love and attention - or erupt into a full-blown tantrum at which point, all has been lost... well, I suppose what happens here depends on whether the two of you decide to give your marriage the love and attention it needs.

 

This is a fork in the road, not a time to make an emotional decision without taking the time for careful consideration. If she is truly done or you feel that you can’t forgive and trust her again, then you need to divorce. If she gives you any indication that she is considering reinvesting in the marriage, I think I would want to try marriage counselling before breaking up my child’s family...

Edited May 21, 2019 by BaileyB

[Marc878]

If she doesn't file you'll linger on hopium and wallow in this awhile.

 

If they tell you they're done believe them and move fast.

 

Life's too short to waste.

 

Youll find she's nothing special. There are many out there who could fit that bill.

 

Get out of the victim chair it won't get you a thing

[Orokotikki]

I think, like some others, there may be hope for your marriage.

Here's the rub, you need to be willing to lose it, to have a shot at saving it - not that you have to save it!

 

Give yourself 3-6 months to really decide if you want to keep it, but see a lawyer immediately. If things are pretty amicable, you may even opt to see just a divorce mediation lawyer (but really I think I would recommend your own lawyer).

 

But you should be the one to take action. Show her the consequences. You may see her get smart real quick and change her tune and try to make things work, that is why you may want to reserve a final decision, because if she comes out of the fog, you think its worth saving after all.

 

The divorce can be stopped or dragged out if you need it to be, and if you decide you don't want to reconcile at least you will have shown the dignity and self worth of putting the wheels in motion yourself. Show yourself, your children, and her your strength, courage, and determination - rather than skulking around making fallback plans with other people (like her).

 

And if the ex has a regular GF or spouse expose to them - they deserve to know.

 

You can do a lot of good in this situation, and can grow to become a better man from it.

 

You can do this.

[aliveagain]

Please read up on the "180" follow it's recommended behaviors. The 180 will help you detach enough from her so you can make the right decisions for you and your children. Talk to a lawyer so you know your rights and your worst case scenario. Change your banking(after you talk to a lawyer) don't finance her affair. Make the affair a bad place to be. Expose the affair to the other betrayed spouse(it is the right thing to do), her family, to those that have influence over her. The ILYBNILWY is common when they are only in your marriage part time, she has split her time between you and the other man. She and the O/M have been scheming and making plans in secret against you. Decide what is best for you, leaving or staying, but don't leave your home without talking to a lawyer first. You can't fix this by yourself, she needs to be as committed as you and has to do the hard work. You need to decide if infidelity is a deal breaker.

[emotionallybroken9]

Thank you all. I’ll be back to post properly. Just a quick one. I told her yesterday that I found a program to get back the messages. She was sad because of how ashamed she is of the messages she and he exchanged, which I got her to tel me.

 

It’s sad. So sad. I was such a confident man until the last few years. She broke me down. Then this guy is everything she didn’t like about me/men, which blew my mind. Got her to say “I don’t want to be with you,” which later turned to acceptance then hysterical bonding twice in 4 hours.

 

Just sad. Sad that a great marriage isn’t viable when nothing major is wrong I’ll take your words. I’ll keep posting as stuff unfolds. All this happened in a span of a day.

 

I have to believe that they didn’t have sex, based on her reaction. But she’s lied to me for 9 months, sexting and allegedly not sending non-pg photos.

 

Sigh... I did NOT need this. Oh also, during sex, images of what they said kept popping up which made me not perform as much. In fact, I stopped it the first time but she was able to get me to continue.

 

I don’t get this. I don’t get cheaters. Either leave or stay. Don’t fill me up with hopium

[Orokotikki]

No hopium from me, bud, I'm a BH too, sorry you joining such a ****ty club.

As for the "they didn't have sex", I could not possibly believe that without a polygraph, but that maybe bc in my case she had an EA/PA.

 

Drink water, work out, if you have male friends find time to hang out with them.

As please read my last post several times. Pulling for you.

[emotionallybroken9]

Thank you. It is a ****ty club. You know it’s a bad club when you personally don’t have to do anything to get into it >.<

 

The only reason I say believe is BECAUSE there’s no other way to know other than a poly. But seriously, at that point, what’s the point of being married? I don’t even hate her for cheating. I’m pissed off because it wasted my time and psyche, and because I’m watching her throw her life away for a grass is greener syndrome. I recognize the affair wasn’t about HIM, but about her escaping, and he just happened to be the one to message her, but that fact added to the hurt and humiliation

 

Why a lawyer? She can have whatever. I just want sanity is all. I love her and my daughter. I have no reason to harm her or my daughter. They can have all my money if it’ll make them happy. If being with me is so bad, then there’s zero reason to be with me other than resources, right? Just take it then. For me to be happy, I can’t be in that kind of relationship, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love them. Just wish there wasn’t sooooo much sexting and preparing to physically get together after the inevitable divorce. But to be honest, I’ll never 100% believe that nothing physical happened, because we sure as heck weren’t always in the same room. That’s depressing. I can’t WILL myself to trust her, and she isn’t doing much to rebuild my trust. In fact, she’s just been lying and trickling me, and absolutely still is trickling me yet I can’t ever prove it.

 

I’m also using this thread to vent, because you guys will definitely know what I’m feeling.

 

Sigh... at least I’ll get out of this a little more mature, and maybe more confident as my sanity returns

[emotionallybroken9]

She and the O/M have been scheming and making plans in secret against you. Decide what is best for you, leaving or staying, but don't leave your home without talking to a lawyer first. You can't fix this by yourself, she needs to be as committed as you and has to do the hard work. You need to decide if infidelity is a deal breaker.

 

She ended the affair “allegedly,” which... good? Like, I’m still stuck with the woman that talked sexy to another man that she hasn’t done with me ever. It hurts. Best for me? A happy marriage. I CAN live alone happily, which is going to be how it is in September.

 

As for the lawyer, is it to protect my assets? I just have some savings. Like a few grand. I’ve been the only provider for about 5 years now, while also still being super dad and thoughtful hubby, but clearly I wasn’t >.> they seriously can have everything if it’ll make their lives better. I’ll start with 0$ again, and even take my kid and raise her as co parents.

 

Divorce isn’t/wasn’t ever an option for me... but I’m a Disney prince moron lol

 

Seriously did NOT see this coming, not did I see how detailed and graphic they got, especially after telling me it was just catching up texts. Sigh.

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mark clemson]

Suggest you DON'T let yourself be taken advantage of financially. It sounds like you're (quite understandably) very depressed but don't make a decision that you might very very much regret a year from now when you're feeling better. Think the lawyer is very good advice!

[aliveagain]

Cheaters are liars and everything is about them. We recommend talking to a lawyer because we don't know what you have for assets and as long as your married to her your financially tied to her and any new debt she creates. This is about getting you out of infidelity with as many assets as you can so you can build a nest for you and your children and not about her leaving you with everything so she can build a nest with the O/M. If she has no access to your credit cards, cash in bank she can't pay for rooms, gifts or travel to continue her fantasy. Cutting off her finances brings reality into their lives immediately.

 

I suggest you inform her that she will now need to find a job because you don't know how this is going to turn out, divorce is on the table. Cheaters don't expect to get caught but they do, just look at the thousands of members on this site alone, we all went through infidelity. What is it that you want knowing what you know now?

 

I just realized I am celebrating my 6th year on this site, still blows me away to know what people are willing to do to people they claim to love.

Edited May 21, 2019 by aliveagain

[somanymistakes]

Just to clarify:

 

Losing half the marital assets isn't being taken advantage of financially, it's just how the marriage business works. However, it's important NOT to give up MORE than you're required to.

 

She has no claim to anything he owned before they got married.

 

Legally she is not a 'cheater', no US court is going to consider exchanging messages with an ex to be a reason to deny alimony. If she'd slept with him then in some states that would count, but she didn't, so there's no sense fighting over that. Better to make the split as quick and clean as possible.

 

Lawyers are helpful because they can give you a quick overview of what both parties are entitled to and what you can and can't do while splitting up. Some people try to do nasty thinsg to get rid of marital assets during a divorce. DON'T! This can come back to bite you in court. For example, attempting to cut her off and leave her with no ability to pay for things during the divorce? Yeah, you will get heavily penalised for that later. (In the same vein, if she sudenly tries to max out all your credit cards once divorce is being discussed, she can be punished for that in court.)

[emotionallybroken9]

I suggest you inform her that she will now need to find a job because you don't know how this is going to turn out, divorce is on the table. Cheaters don't expect to get caught but they do, just look at the thousands of members on this site alone, we all went through infidelity. What is it that you want knowing what you know now?

 

Thank you and to others for the support <3

 

Finances wise, I don’t have anything I value. Maybe my computer for convenience? Like seriously, imagine being married to a man that doesn’t think twice about himself (and actually quite happy about that), but would use and do anything for family and friends. I don’t NEED anything to be happy, which SUCKS because relationships make me happy hah. A problem when you’ve been cheated on. Making people happy makes me happy. Sadly, even at the cost of my own happiness, which I’ve been actively working on and made quite the progress. I’m able to say “no” now and not feel bad about it

 

Anyways, came how about an hour ago. Had sex through me initiating and her actively participating instead of “I feel dirty” or “not in the mood.” Hugs, kisses, I love yous.

 

And when I think things are heading forward, I keep being mentally reminded that I thought this same thing many times, and it turned out she emotionally checked out 4 years ago without telling me, and she had a 9 month long affair ramping up to her leaving me and being physical (if not already) with her gross ex.

 

The mind is a terrible thing.

 

Thanks all. I’ll keep you posted. I don’t want a lawyer simply because I don’t have anything worth anything. I’m not trying to figure out what it is that I want. I just want both of us to water this marriage :/ regardless, she’s leaving in June for two months with daughter to visit her family (planned long ago.) I guess that’ll give me 60 days+ of alone time to sort out my thoughts.

 

If you don’t mind, I’ll keep posting cuz it’s helping me to get this stuff out. Counselling for me will happen later, definitely. I’ve read a lot on here and counseling/personal therapy seems to be the go to move with great success. I’ll read up on the 180 but I’m pretty sure it’s just “be happy with yourself,” which is fine, but different problem for me. I’m okay being alone. Would rather be with my family, but it’s not a personal choice huh.

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

I don’t want a lawyer simply because I don’t have anything worth anything.

 

Actually, you have a future worth protecting. For that reason alone, should divorce happen, you need representation.

 

Perhaps her trip is well-timed. I'm sure you'll miss your daughter - and wife ? - but some time alone will allow for reflection and planning.

 

Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[emotionallybroken9]

I miss my wife NOW lol. I just... wish she didn’t stray, you know? I wish I believe that when she makes love with me, she’s thinking of me and being forever with me, I wish that I believe that she won’t hurt me again, and again. She’s got a bad case of trickle truthing from the beginning of the relationship. But through it all, I NEVER doubted her; not until last night. It’s a bad feeling. Like my heart is being clenched by a phantom hand. My body feels like it’s constantly drained. My mind... when it’s blank, it hurts. It feels as if my mind is trying to suppress thoughts, which I’ll need to process. Sucks I can’t just process this and move forward because she keeps trickle truthing me.

 

I signed up to the gym two weeks ago, or was it three? Haven’t been. I’ve cut out most bad habits like tv and games. I hang out with friends sometimes. I play games with her. I’m pretty much a 50/50 parent with her, if not more. I read. I stopped watching porn long ago. I dunno. I dunno who I am. I’m being dramatic aren’t I? Ugh. So dumb.

[usa1ah]

Do not let her leave with the kiddo.

 

She won’t come back. Once out of country you won’t see again unless you move back home.

 

Let her go home if she wants. Just don’t let her take your kid.

 

See a lawyer about this ASAP.

[emotionallybroken9]

Good morning all. Time for an update... sigh, came so soon heh.

 

Last night we have sex. It was great. She even gave me a blowjob. This is HUGE because since summer she's said she doesn't like going down anymore. She feels it's like using someone's mouth as a tool, instead of lovemaking. She liked me going down on her though... but that stopped when she told me about blowjobs. Just kinda turned me off, you know?

 

Yesterday was me asking about pictures, videos, calls, etc. She said she sent him PG pics only. She never spoke on the phone with him. Never any videos. They only sexted about 4-5 times, near the end of the relationship. She told him that she "retired" from blowjobs.

 

Guess what? All lies. She sent him photos of her breasts and vulva. She sent him a video of her masturbating to him, but "only of her face". She spoke on the phone with him "once." They've been sexting throughout the whole affair. She told him she'll go down on him and then some.

 

She says that "Now" she's gonna be an open book. I looked at her like... what? She hasn't been honest since the discovery SINCE she emotionally distanced herself from me since she's been complaining that we don't communicate. Again she said it's cuz she was afraid of the pain she'd cause, and me hating her. But... here I am, still trying to START healing from a wound inflicted 5 years ago? 9 months ago? 4 months ago? 2 months ago? Last night? This morning? When is the reality of "choose your future" gonna set in?

 

I'm so upset at all that wasted time, energy, and love that was invested into another man when I was 100% committed to my marriage, wife, and myself.

 

The first response will probably be: get a lawyer to protect your future. I don't have anything TO protect. I'm not exaggerating that I have zero material attachments to this world, which is why it's difficult to see myself losing the human relationships that are meaning.

 

Another advice is maybe to get a Poly test. Why? Why bother? Why would a liar want to be with me? Why would I want to be with anyone that I'd have to use a poly test for? lol

 

My daughter is fine. If she takes her away then she's a monster and I deserve the consequences because, damn, I was so stupid to be with such a monster. I hope she isn't that. I can't say "think" or "know" anymore. Those verbs don't exist in my relationship life anymore.

 

What do I want? I want to know how far down do I have to go before I can start building up myself. I want to not think "she's giving me head to make up for what she did". I want to think that I'm not gross, ugly, unattractive, a horrible enough person to make another human want to escape my company this badly. I want to believe what she says so that I don't look through he text logs and pictures. I don't want those images and words to be burned into my mind, forever looping. I want to feel secure that when we have sex, it's sex with my lover, not my user...

 

I want to not question my reality. Ive been betrayed way too much in life. Why... like seriously. Even you guys keep telling me to do things that I don't do, so why am i at all surprised at the results.

 

For what it's worth, I don't hate her. I don't hate cheaters. They're just humans who make really stupid, uninformed, thoughtless decisions. The consequences are never considered without past experience, so I guess I'm the first mistake for people to learn from.

 

Oh, and just in case to any WS or BS reading this, I'm GLAD I know what I know, and only hope to know more. Don't get me wrong, the information is destroying my very core, but it allows me to make sense of how my life lead up to this point. It's also a VERY IMPORTANT CHARACTER TRAIT that the spouse needs to know to make life decisions. For example, I no longer think "Oh I know she won't/will like that," because i DON'T know what's in another person's mind.

 

Anyways, she went to work. I took kiddo to school. I took the day off work, cuz... **** going to work with my body feeling so defeated.

 

I guess... Day 0, here we go again, but I think we all know by this point that this isn't gonna be Day 0. I wish I felt more energetic but man I'm so drained, and it's only 9:30 am....

 

Edit: I just want to love her like I've always loved her. Knowing it wasn't on me is great, and I know that I still have room for improvement (forever right? silly humans), but now this bad pit exists inside me, which was never there before. I wish I didn't look at her and feel both the same intensity of love that I've had for her for the past 9 years, and the intense pain and fear of knowing she's able to perfectly deceive me over, and over, and over again.

 

I feel like I lost everything without even having done anything to deserve this. And it hurts knowing that she's hurting too, because lord knows all I want is for her to be what she wants to be. I'm sorry for the depressing rants, but they really are therapeutic, in a way.

Edited May 22, 2019 by emotionallybroken9
more

[mark clemson]

What's important to realize is that what made her do this in the first place is something that's broken inside of her. It's not you. If it was you, she could have divorced or worked on the marriage. She's instead chose a path that seemed easier at the time and was more selfish. It was in part because she still wanted you as well.

 

Her actions have clearly really impacted you psychologically (and it's quite understandable). Suggest you use some of your time off today to contact a therapist.

[Orokotikki]

Another reason people say to see a lawyer is it is an action you can take yourself which shows an appropriate response and protection.

 

I would strongly recommend seeing a lawyer for a free consult, just so you can say you did. If not, at a minimum I would go to the courthouse and get their 'divorce packet' and start filling it out.

 

Also, meet at least a time or two with IC.

Don't get paralyzed by inertia and love bombing, even if she gave all the bj's you ever wanted, unless you are OK with sharing your wife, she needs to change or this will come up again and worse, she will hide it better.

 

You can't get her to change, she has to want to recognize her failings (not the obvious surface ones) and make deep changes. What you can do is demonstrate it is necessary by enforcing and not shielding her from the consequences.

[emotionallybroken9]

What's important to realize is that what made her do this in the first place is something that's broken inside of her. It's not you.

 

This morning I asked her why she didn't just leave if she was THIS MUCH his girlfriend, and CLEARLY just sooooo out of love with me. Her reply was, "I was afraid of being homeless." It's like... man... I was just straight. up. used. And I TOLD her this for MONTHS, "Hon, we don't communicate. I really feel like I'm just a resource for you until you leave me." Her reponse was always, "No hon, I love you" and stuff like that.

 

I see her guilt for hurting me. The issue is that I don't feel/see her want for the relationship, just for the pain. AND SHES DOING A BAD JOB AT IT TOO LOL

It's why I'm in turmoil. She had sex with me WHILE being HIS girlfriend, so my mind is saying "shes just having sex with you now too you dumb ****. she's still leaving your ass." Then my other hopium mind is saying, "but that makes no sense. shes telling you she loves you, AND shes doing so much FOR you."

 

WHICH ONE IS RIGHT>>> ****!

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[emotionallybroken9]

....I would strongly recommend seeing a lawyer for a free consult, just so you can say you did. If not, at a minimum I would go to the courthouse and get their 'divorce packet' and start filling it out.

 

.....You can't get her to change, she has to want to recognize her failings (not the obvious surface ones) and make deep changes. What you can do is demonstrate it is necessary by enforcing and not shielding her from the consequences.

 

I'll definitely hit the lawyer. You guys are right. I keep getting lied to. I'm too nice. I'm too in love. Just to even see what it means, since i've never been divorced... sigh

 

#2 I learned about being about to change from this forum. I told her to move out in September, into a basement apartment or whatever. But that conversation happened two days ago I think. Then all that sex happened. Then I asked more questions which refreshed my journey. So as it stands, I'll tell her to not return in September, just so we both so what we really want.

 

Right? Like, it doesn't mean let's get divorced. It just means, let's see what we BOTH want, not just YOU or ME.

 

Ugh, such a waste of rent money. Sigh. Booooo.

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[aliveagain]

The absolute worst thing you can do is nothing, the second to worst thing you can do is to rug sweep this so things go back to the way they were. The way things were, her lying to you while she dates other men? There are many things far worse then divorcing a cheater, sharing her with other men is at the top of that list. She sounds like a serial cheater, if she hasn't had independent counselling to find out why she gives herself the approval to cheat then more cheating is all you can expect from her because she is still broken. It's like starting a 1000 mile journey in a car you know has transmission problems, how safe will you feel putting your children in that car in the middle of winter?

 

You need to respect yourself more because it's your responses to her that give her direction on how to treat you. You are in an abusive relationship, your goal is to get yourself out of infidelity and you are not qualified to fix her. She needs professional help. She also needs to know what your boundaries are.