Wife's emotional affair with ex

[mark clemson]

Agree. You ARE being too nice and too in love at least at the moment. Once you truly know your own mind on how to proceed, firmness will help immensely I think. You're not there yet, but you will be.

[Bryanp]

If the situation was reversed, do you honestly think that your wife would be acting so passive and accepting as you? Nobody and I mean nobody loves and respects a doormat. If you don't respect yourself then who will?

[emotionallybroken9]

So I was sleeping when she came home after work. didn't know she was home. Mentally I was in a bad place. She was in bed (I was sleeping on the couch watching tv). I lay beside her. She cuddled me. Told her, "hey, make me feel better." She starts hugging, kissing, gets naked, gives me blowjob to completion. I felt better, but still a thought intruded, "If shes doing this now, guess thats what she said she do for him." Regardless, it passed quickly.

 

Later, we moved on to the living room to play a video game. I told her that I need her to accept responsibility for the OM's W/EXW (No idea which it is, since he couldve just lied to her.) I didn't want the guilt of the woman being with the OM without knowing he's able to deceive her for so long, especially since the woman apparently hates my wife as she married the OM after my wife and he split up over a decade ago.

 

Let that be a lesson to people, btw, that even after a decade, EX's still can cause havoc if past feelings weren't sorted.

 

Anyways, later told her that I have no idea when I'll reach the end of the pit she threw me in, to which she said this is it, and was always afraid I couldnt love her knowing these facts (lol, heard that one before, like 5 posts ago?). Told her "I hope you learned that yiu clearly did NOT know me. But, we need to have a separation to figure out what we both want. Whether I believe you or not doesn't matter right now. We both don't appreciate each other at all. We're taking each other for granted. This separation will show us what we each want. Maybe you don't want to be with me. Mayb I don't want to be with you. This isn't a divorce. This is for us to move forward, because our last relationship SUCKED. I want to meet the new you, and for you to get to know the real me." Then we hugged and she went to get our kid from school.

 

I'll sort out the details this week. But ideally, when she goes to visit her folks, she'll search online for a new place to rent near work. The kiddo will stay with me in the original home, since I don't feel it's at all fair that I move out, or kiddo has to relocate to accomodate this trial period. Ha, now I get why they call it Trial Separation. hah.

 

Anywhoo, that's pretty much it. I don't really feel like asking her for any more details, cuz whats the point. She's flawed. It's the past. Plus, I think I got all the details that I need to start the healing process. I don't think she had enough time to visit a guy in a different country, when the alleged start date of the affair was only last year. So no physical stuff (thank ****ing god I'll tell you that much), but, I need the time with my daughter alone, to see what life is like without my wife. And really, for her to see what life is like without me and the stress of child rearing ,which I love btw!! I work hard, and I play hard haha. Get to improve on my cooking skills, since one less adult to cook for woot!

 

This all begins around mid june. She'll come back in August, then hopefully we'll have a place checked out and good to go for September. Too bad I can't start today, but, that's life; full of many, many dissapointments.

 

Edit: Emailed a Lawyer today. Will contact more tomorrow. Just so mentally drained right now. Thanks for your support and suggestions gang. I'll keep you updated.

Edited May 22, 2019 by emotionallybroken9
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[NH58]

What makes you sure that she won't go to see him while she is away? Canada is a short flight away.

[emotionallybroken9]

What makes you sure that she won't go to see him while she is away? Canada is a short flight away.

 

Because at this point why hide it? We're getting separated whether she wants it or not. I kept thinking about this. WHY would IIIII want to be married to someone that constantly lied to me. WHY would SHE want to be with me when she clearly wasnt getting intimate from me. There's really no point in hiding any further affair.

 

Right now, she's displaying signs of someone that is trying to help me. She ended the affair the same day. Last night around midnight I asked, "I dont get it.. you ended and confessed almost immediately about the affair. But, you went into it sooooo deep with him. How could you just end it like that?" Her response was: "I don;t know. When you brought it up, the affair became so real." I didnt know what to do with that so I just moved on.

 

They're both gonna be in the same country during the family visit. I WANT to say I'm confident that there isn't more, but it's probably better to assume I'll NEVER know the true, 100% extent.

 

What's sad is that this guy now has pictures and videos of her, during her marriage, cheating. Told her that I hope he never decides to post or share them online to make money or to gloat. The look on her face broke my heart. She never considered that. She called herself stupid. I hugged her and then went to my computer. What else could I do. She ****ed up. She gave another man sooooo much power over her. Sad. I was getting mad that I'm humiliated as a man, but really, I'm not. I'm not the cheater. I'm not the one that did this. So, now I'm here.

 

I feel better today. First time in a while I didn't wanna smoke weed to forget this nightmare im in. Seriously, I appreciae this chance to grow, but what a waste of time and money, and energy I'm tired of feeling tired!

[Marc878]

It's always better when you wake up and quit playing yourself.

 

Limbo is a self imposed state. Only you can keep yourself there.

 

BTW cheaters lie a lot so don't trust a thing she says. You'll be much better off if you drop the hopium pipe permanently

[emotionallybroken9]

@Marc878.....

 

I'm trying brother, I'm trying. 10 years... a decade... crazy to think it was all thrown away for an emotional (again, no idea or possibility of knowing this) relationship. Actions speak louder than words, huh. Thank you for the support.

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Marc878]

@emotionallybroken9....

 

Always and what she says she's done (her words) and what really happened probably don't correlate well. The golden rule: cheaters always lie a lot.

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[usa1ah]

Why do you need a lawyer? Because she will leave you broke and penniless for the next 20 years if you don’t get one. It’s not about protecting what you have, it’s about protecting your future.

 

Do you not want a real relationship one day? Are you just going to quit on life? Do you not want to be a dad to your daughter?

 

Your wife is a monster for what she has done to you already.

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[emotionallybroken9]

@usa1ah....

 

Please, don't call her names. I still love her. I'm trying to protect myself here, so please don't make me have to protect her too. I need to keep my mind on me. She's a human that made a horrible choice.

 

The problem is that THIS IS THE ONLY PROBLEM. She is a good person in every other way. She takes care of me. She loves me. She's understanding. She's respectful. She's trying. But she's a human too. She's a liar. She procrastinates. She's got a quick temper. But that's what makes her human. A human that I loved, faults and all. And she knows my faults, and still treats me well. Then THIS **** HAPPENS. It's a HUGE FAULT. It hurts to see her realize she's a horrible person. It hurts because she refuses to accept it. She NEEDS to accept she's horrible so that she can decide if thats who she wants to be, or ****ing choose what you want to be in the future. Show me you want to be with ME, not for my money. This is why the separation will make it clear for me.

 

You're right about the future. I need ot think 5, 10, 20 years down the line should this go to hell.

 

But yeah, I love her, whether I'm with her or not, so please :bunny:

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Orokotikki]

There is so much I wish I could explain to you which my IC explained to me.

My IC was a man whose wife had cheated on him, just like me, if you can find an IC experienced with infidelity it will be of great help to you.

[emotionallybroken9]

@Orokotikki....

Yup. And guys, all these tips and suggestions, I take them to heart. It's 2019... the collective minds are usually good. Somehow, since the truth came out, I feel better. Like.. **** finally makes sense. Like, FINALLY. ****... I was so needlessly wounded. Sigh.

 

Thank you. I'll keep posting. I started a journal to just write down my questions and thoughts instead of just bombarding her with it. If the thought loops in my head, then I'll talk to her. I need to figure out what's actually bothering me. Right now, the biggest thing is that dark pit feeling in the stomach, like.. "there's gotta be ONE more bad thing AT LEAST." Whether I believe it or not, I cant get that feeling to go away

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[vla1120]

I started a journal to just write down my questions and thoughts instead of just bombarding her with it. If the thought loops in my head, then I'll talk to her. I need to figure out what's actually bothering me. Right now, the biggest thing is that dark pit feeling in the stomach, like.. "there's gotta be ONE more bad thing AT LEAST." Whether I believe it or not, I cant get that feeling to go away

 

I don't know if cheaters lie for self-preservation or what, but even if you do ask your wife questions, you will wonder if her answers are sincere and truthful. Please save yourself the heartache and suspicion and don't even ask her for any more details. Having more details won't make the situation any better, nor will it help you to heal.

 

Keeping a journal is a great idea. Many times, I have gone back to read my journal just to remind me where I was and how far I have come. Also, if you easily forgive, like me, it could be helpful to go back and remind yourself how deeply you were hurt and deceived. Sometimes I needed a reminder.

 

Finally, and there is no gentle way to put this, so I'll just say it. Women don't normally talk about leaving unless they have a soft place to land (which is why she admitted she was afraid to be homeless if she left you.) If she is making future plans with this OM (that she might work on developing over the two months when she is in his country), she's going to want to keep you as a backup in case that falls through. I almost wish she were not going away for two months. If you want to work on salvaging your marriage, she needs to be there - in the marital home with you - attending MC. Maybe she can cut her two-month visit short with her family to come back and work on your marriage with you. If I were in your position, that is what I would want.

[emotionallybroken9]

@vla1120 *ok mods, I wont quote if unnecessary

 

Unfortunately, it involves her folks having a house sale and what not. She's going to help, and take our kid to enjoy the family home before they sell. I couldn't do that to my daughter, and really, to my wife as well.

 

If I still had a real doubt she was still planning to leave, then I wouldn't even bother working it out. But right now, the plan of separation seems the most logical for me, right? The question is, how do I handle it? Do I do NC for months? Do I date with no sex? (No thanks, because thats been our relationship, and not in the mood to waste more of my youth on a dead bedroom). I just dont know.

 

Like I said before, I wish we could start the separation NOW so that I can have the space and time to process stuff. To see what life is like as a single dad. To see if she's worth the pain she's caused me. To see how I can be happy WITHOUT her. If she takes away from that happiness, then she's not worth it.

 

Accepting her character right now casts doubts. If those doubts are still there after a year, then this is done. This works out financially for me, and lets her feel life as a single mom too.

 

Thoughts?

[vla1120]

Given what you have said, yes. I would go NC except concerning your 5-year-old. Maybe you can have a good night call each night while they are away. Other than that, you have no reason to discuss anything with her, unless it is about the living arrangements when they return, etc.

 

This will give you the two months to explore your true feelings on your own. It will also send the message to her that she's going to have to deal with the consequences of her betrayal. I'm a little bugged about the fact that she's probably going to get to have her cake and eat it too, if you pay for an apartment for her when she returns. But that's what happens quite often to the main breadwinner. I paid a pretty penny to finally get out of my 32-yr marriage with my first husband, and I am still paying in some ways - which is why everyone is telling you to have a lawyer. You not only need to protect yourself today, but you need to protect your future, as well. My ex is getting 50% of my hard-earned pension because that's state law where I live. Make sure you know your rights and protect yourself.

[emotionallybroken9]

Oh no, I'm not paying for her apartment. I cant afford that. She's starting work when she comes back, and she has SOME savings now. But like I said, we were a new family, starting off, just this september I got an amazing fulltime career, and an aspiring business future. Instead of enjoying this present, where we both worked so, so, SO hard to create. And for what? Nothing apparently. So, she needs to be able to support herself since that was her plan. They even planned for our divorce to be in September.

 

Yeah, daddy daughter is gonna take a big hit. I'm concerned about what happens in September, more than now. NC now is no big deal. NC in September, when kiddo is living with me. I don't think the wife can get/afford a two bedroom apartment, and no way I'm moving out of my own hard-earned apartment.

 

I don't think she'd be that heartless, to take away my money and use me for financial security Nevermind.

[aliveagain]

The first thing you need to do is sit down together and discuss the rules of separation. If reconciliation is on the table then No Contact of any kind with the O/M is an absolute must. She doesn't get a trial run with O/M while you wait for her back home. You need to expose the affair to his girlfriend/wife and you need to expose the affair to her parents. Don't tell her your doing it just do it. She needs to have a consequence for the humiliation she has brought into your life. Nothing like exposure to bring a real dose of reality into her life. The men that I know that cheated(no longer in my circle of friends) on their wives had similar character traits, they bragged about their conquests and showed their buddies pictures the women sent them as proof. They got a power rush for the control they got over another man's wife. All it did was prove to me that these guys can never be trusted in my home. Gone.

 

When your wife sent that POS pictures of her privates, what she did was give the O/M control while emasculating you in the process. A polygraph is a tool to help you deal with a dishonest person. It can be a requirement of the separation if reconciliation is a possibility. You both have to pass one before you get back together. How else do you learn the truth from a liar, specially if she is still in her affair? I don't know about anyone else but when I gave my marriage oath I meant it for life, fact is, you can't control other people. Use the polygraph as a tool to get the truth, whether or not you ever take one is up to the two of you. I would never trust anyone that refuses to take one. Wow, this is my 3,333 post.

Edited May 23, 2019 by aliveagain

[vla1120]

Whew! Good! I'm glad you are not paying for her apartment. I was afraid she was going to have the best of both worlds at your expense.

 

I still have serious doubts about whether she's going to abstain from contacting him while she is away from you and closer to him. That's just a recipe for disaster, in my opinion, but there is not much you can do about that.

 

If reconciliation is still on the table, is there any chance you could make your way up to her folks' house for a few days or a week to visit during that two-month period? If you are leaning toward separating, then there would be no reason, but if you're up in the air, I think it is imperative to determine whether he is still in the picture - especially when she is closer to him.

[emotionallybroken9]

Hey all, just another quick one.

 

She SEEMS remorseful, but she seemed remorseful 4 times before

She’s been answering questions, making love, talking, etc. I think if she starts reading threads on here it would be really good, and you know what? She’ll do it too.

 

So why all this? Because she was out of the marriage but too afraid to leave on her own. Makes sense. New country. Dead marriage. No current stability. Feeling trapped. Finds an escape. Gets caught. Reflects on her own character and behaviour throughout marriage. Applogises for being cold, cruel, and horrible to me. For giving another man something that was so precious.

 

Her biggest regret? The lies after DDay. She DESTROYED the value of her word. Even when I WANT to believe her, there’s now all this doubt because she’s trickle truthed me.

 

Yes I’d do a poly. I have nothing to hide except sneaking off to take naps in the car when our child was first born >.> working full time then coming home straight into dad mode, with no family support or anything, all in a foreign country. Regardless, I don’t want to poly her. There’s no point. It’s not that I don’t believe her. It’s that if I need a polygraph TO believe her, then there’s just no trust. Sure she won’t lie this time, but does that mean I’ll have to poly her everyone something suspicious happens? That’s not a marriage. That’s two partners running a business.

 

So far the plan is still: NC from June to August. Her move out in September. We see what we want and learn about each other.

 

I’m happy we’re moving forward, just sucks this had to happen.

[emotionallybroken9]

@vla

 

The night of discovery she told him to never contact her again. He replied ok. She blocked him on Facebook. She deleted/(never had) his number. She lied to me to not get kicked out. She was scared. It was self preservation.

 

Like I said earlier, I think the affair was bound to happen, regardless of WHO it was. Anyone saying the right things was gonna get her. She was out.

 

I don’t want to go to her folks place. And she said she’s gonna cut the trip in half to spend summer with me.

 

What kills me is the look on her face when she realizes this guy has photos and videos of her, AND he TOLD her he does this with married women all the time. “I’m so stupid,” she says. Sigh. She’s not. He has experience. He’s done this before. He knew what to say/do. And since she was done with me, it was quite easy to justify the attention and the excitement.

 

I’ve been reading these forums for years in order to “fix” myself, so I have a pretty good idea of the mental hell a remorseful spouse is going to go through.

 

I’m hopeful for recon, but only if she WANTS it. She says/shows she wants it now, but I’ve seen this before. For both our sakes, she needs to figure out if she WANTS to be 100% in this, during the good AND bad times. She definitely needs to get her ass into IC, which she will.

 

So that’s where we’re at now. I want to think she’s remorseful, based on what she’s displaying. I want to believe she’s telling the truth, so that I can begin to think she won’t do this to me again. I want to help her, regardless of the end result, because it’ll also help me. I want to get to know this new person in front of me, and see if we’re compatible.

[aliveagain]

@vla

 

The night of discovery she told him to never contact her again. He replied ok. She blocked him on Facebook. She deleted/(never had) his number. She lied to me to not get kicked out. She was scared. It was self preservation.

 

Like I said earlier, I think the affair was bound to happen, regardless of WHO it was. Anyone saying the right things was gonna get her. She was out.

 

I donÂ’t want to go to her folks place. And she said sheÂ’s gonna cut the trip in half to spend summer with me.

 

What kills me is the look on her face when she realizes this guy has photos and videos of her, AND he TOLD her he does this with married women all the time. “I’m so stupid,” she says. Sigh. She’s not. He has experience. He’s done this before. He knew what to say/do. And since she was done with me, it was quite easy to justify the attention and the excitement.

 

I’ve been reading these forums for years in order to “fix” myself, so I have a pretty good idea of the mental hell a remorseful spouse is going to go through.

 

IÂ’m hopeful for recon, but only if she WANTS it. She says/shows she wants it now, but IÂ’ve seen this before. For both our sakes, she needs to figure out if she WANTS to be 100% in this, during the good AND bad times. She definitely needs to get her ass into IC, which she will.

 

So thatÂ’s where weÂ’re at now. I want to think sheÂ’s remorseful, based on what sheÂ’s displaying. I want to believe sheÂ’s telling the truth, so that I can begin to think she wonÂ’t do this to me again. I want to help her, regardless of the end result, because itÂ’ll also help me. I want to get to know this new person in front of me, and see if weÂ’re compatible.

 

Regardless on what you decide about staying together, she needs IC and don't waste money on marriage counselling until she gets into IC. She needs to deal with her FOO issues first(family of origin, the significant caretakers and siblings she grew up with, her first social groups, all these have a huge part on her behaviors today). There was someone on here recently who's wife was having an affair with the owner of the restaurant she worked in. Turns out he was using the security system to video the two of them having sex in the restaurant kitchen which he shared with his buddies and sold copies to adult porn sites on the internet. The POS she was having the affair with went as far as selling the restaurant and this poor guy's wife was a negotiated part of the sale. She was required to have an affair with the new owner which she agreed to because she didn't want to be exposed. The worst part of this are the video's which are all over the internet. I can't remember if their teenage daughter saw it.

 

Once you put your privates on a video or in photographs and send them to someone on the net you loose control of what happens to them. Her affair partner is a sleazebag who has a history of doing this with married women, expect the worst. The first people children Google are usually their parents. Does he know your last name and where you live? You both can get through this but honesty and communication is a key requirement. Get professional help so you have the best chance at success. Don't forget to discuss the rules of separation with her if reconciliation is on the table.

Edited May 24, 2019 by aliveagain

[DKT3]

I tend to not reply to betrayed husband thread anymore. BH (myself included when in your position) are the most delusional when it comes to believing and accepting the true nature of their situation when it comes to infidelity. We fear the truth so we dont really want to seek answers. Its easier to do the minimum and rug sweep.

 

Reading your story and this little voice keeps saying to me that you are a rebound guy. Basing my opinion on your words and her actions I suspect that she never got over her ex, and because of that never really committed to you or fully engaged in your relationship.

 

Funny thing about people, more specifically women, is they tend to tell you the truth we fail to hear it. You deserve better, she says. Why do you think she said that? Especially since she appears to want to stay married.

 

I would strongly suggest you have a conversation with her about informing her parents about the affair. Why? I suspect she was planning to use this time away to explore more with the ex. By informing her parents they will most likely hold her accountable for missing hours in the day. No matter if they say anything to her or not, she will know they know and would be less likely to dissapear for hours at a time.

 

Unfortunately the trust you speak of will never fully return. I wish it did. But the truth is, from now on you will always second guess somethings she say or places she go. I do, and my wife is about as good as you could have after these situations. If you dont believe you can handle that, maybe it's best to just go your separate ways now.

[Marc878]

I want to believe!!!!!!

 

Words don't mean ****.

[Chaparral]

It’s a fact you will never truly trust her again. However, you will never truly trust any woman again. Be thankful for that. Always be on the lookout for red flags.

 

Statistically speaking, separating means you will likely fail

In your marriage. Only about 1 in 5 marriages survive separation.

 

What are you doing to know that are not still in contact?

[oldlion]

You, my friend, are a KISA (knight in shining armor) who badly wants to rescue the fair maid from the terrible dragon. What you won't accept is that the fair maid is pulling for the dragon. Never stay with someone that doesn't love you, for in time it will suck all the joy out of your life. You are going to have 60 days to figure out who you are and what you really want and who she is has shown herself to be and what she has shown you she wants. Use those days wisely. I do wish you well.