Texting my male friend. about platonic and romantic relationsips

[Amanda9]

I don't even know how to start this but I'll give it a try. I am a 35 year old female. I have been separated from my husband of 10 years for over 2 years now. The separation was hard on me because we have a young child and it turns out my husband was cheating on me and just not a good person in the end. But life goes on and I realise I'm better off. Luckily, I have primary custody of our son and I have moved on. I have a serious live-in boyfriend. We love each other.

 

 

I am happy with myself and my life but I don't have many platonic friends. I am really introverted and making friends has always been tough for me. My best friend dumped me a couple months ago. She has become heavily involved in her church and just thinks we "have nothing in common" anymore. That hurt too, because we had been friends since high school. She was my main support when my husband left me.

 

 

Anyway, I have this other friend. He is in a relationship of his own. I'll call him X. I have known X for 15 or so years. We never were in relationship officially but back in the day we went on a couple dates and kissed a few times. Then X went back to his ex gf (hurt at the time) but we remained friends. We don't see each other in person anymore, as a matter of fact it's been years. Our relationship is text based only.

 

 

Despite the fact that we only text each other, I feel very close to X. I feel like we can tell each other anything and our conversations always have a natural and easy flow. The topics are both serious and casual. He does flirt sometimes. The other day he called me "hot" and he said I should remind my bf that I am a catch. (Inappropriate maybe?)The other day one of his responses was "that's why I love ya". (Harmless or no?). I smile to myself lots when I text him.

 

 

I just...don't know what I am doing anymore and I need advice. (About what I am not sure). Although I don't text X all the time, I feel maybe it is unfair to my boyfriend. But I would feel a sense of loss if I cut the communication with X completely. I don't know if it's because he's my only friend this days (if you can even call it a friendship when you just text the person), or if I like the flattery, or if maintaining a texting relationship soothes my insecurities due to major relationship setbacks in my life. (husband and best friend).

 

 

If anyone can shed some light on all this, thank you.

Edited May 21, 2019 by Amanda9

[dispatch3d]

hmmm seems inappropriate to me, if I was the bf I would strongly disapprove of this.

[todreaminblue]

be transparent with your bf explain to him exactly how you feel get his perspective let him have a say and you will know exactly how he feels.....he might be ok with it....but...if he isnt.....you have to decide what is most important to you...your partner or a text based communication with a guy from your past....and you let go with that feeling of loss...what is least important sometimes we have to lose.....someone or something...for the best for us and for them.....deb

[Amanda9]

I know this. I'm wondering what's wrong with me that I can't do the right thing and forget about this "friend".

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm wondering what's wrong with me that I can't do the right thing and forget about this "friend".

 

Slippery slope. Despite the time and distance, you obviously have an emotional connection - and perhaps still a crush? - with X. Borderline inappropriate if you want to grow your live-in relationship. How much does your BF know about this texting connection with X?

 

Might be decision time, you simply need to decide which is more important to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I don't even know how to start this but I'll give it a try. I am a 35 year old female. I have been separated from my husband of 10 years for over 2 years now. The separation was hard on me because we have a young child and it turns out my husband was cheating on me and just not a good person in the end. But life goes on and I realise I'm better off. Luckily, I have primary custody of our son and I have moved on. I have a serious live-in boyfriend. We love each other.

 

 

I am happy with myself and my life but I don't have many platonic friends. I am really introverted and making friends has always been tough for me. My best friend dumped me a couple months ago. She has become heavily involved in her church and just thinks we "have nothing in common" anymore. That hurt too, because we had been friends since high school. She was my main support when my husband left me.

 

 

Anyway, I have this other friend. He is in a relationship of his own. I'll call him X. I have known X for 15 or so years. We never were in relationship officially but back in the day we went on a couple dates and kissed a few times. Then X went back to his ex gf (hurt at the time) but we remained friends. We don't see each other in person anymore, as a matter of fact it's been years. Our relationship is text based only.

 

 

Despite the fact that we only text each other, I feel very close to X. I feel like we can tell each other anything and our conversations always have a natural and easy flow. The topics are both serious and casual. He does flirt sometimes. The other day he called me "hot" and he said I should remind my bf that I am a catch. (Inappropriate maybe?)The other day one of his responses was "that's why I love ya". (Harmless or no?). I smile to myself lots when I text him.

 

 

I just...don't know what I am doing anymore and I need advice. (About what I am not sure). Although I don't text X all the time, I feel maybe it is unfair to my boyfriend. But I would feel a sense of loss if I cut the communication with X completely. I don't know if it's because he's my only friend this days (if you can even call it a friendship when you just text the person), or if I like the flattery, or if maintaining a texting relationship soothes my insecurities due to major relationship setbacks in my life. (husband and best friend).

 

 

If anyone can shed some light on all this, thank you.

 

Is the conversations that you have with X taking the place of the romance that you share with your man?

 

Is the flattery you get from X in some way missing from the flattery you're supposed to get from your man?

 

Do you feel it inappropriate to get texts from someone that flirts with you, calls you babe, stuff like that, while you're in a relationship? This one is easy, let me answer it for you. Of course you do, that's why you're trying to excuse it already and validate it by placing the excuse in the form of friendship.

 

Look, everyone deserves to have friends, but the difference between your friend and your boyfriend with whom you love in a romantic way is that there are different boundaries set up. No one has the power to tell you who you can, or can't be friends with, even if you give that power to someone else and they do so. However, if this guy doesn't respect your relationship boundary, and you don't do anything about it, how is your boyfriend supposed to enforce that boundary for you if you don't tell him, or he doesn't know, what is going on?

 

It is possible that perhaps this friendship is filling a void in the romantic department that somehow is lacking with your current boyfriend. Why is that? Do you feel that your current boyfriend doesn't "make you smile" the way X does when he tells you he "loves ya"? And while the "love ya" stuff can be excused as just friends telling each other they love each other, I sincerely doubt that's the case in your regard because you qualified the excuse with a romantic undertone.

 

I'm not trying to attack you in any way. I'm asking you questions that perhaps would give you a different perspective. What if your boyfriend had texts from a girl with the same content - how would you feel? Would you be suspicious of the nature of those texts and the nature of that friendship? Would you feel inadequate because he's smiles often at the text-only relationship that somehow is possibly filling a void that you thought you were filling?

 

Either hold on the reins on your friendship and set up boundaries and enforce the rules of friendship, or be with both, or go after the one you want. If you think you and X share a connection with each other that only you two have - why is it that both of you are not dating each other? Does he not feel the same way about you? Is this a one way thing - your perspective only?

 

I understand that often, after a divorce, validation of self-worth is often critical for healing. To be in a divorce is rough - it's literally the separation of what you vowed to not do. It's undoing what you vowed you wouldn't undo, and while I understand that, I also understand that sometimes, that separation can leave someone shattered in a way that they search for validation from others - even if it's not romantic - or borderline romantic.

 

If you want to remain friends with him, remain friends. But that means not mixing up the differences between being friends, and being more than friends. If you choose to be more than friends and share some kind of romantic connection, then you have to let your boyfriend know you've made that decision. I don't know the dynamic of your relationship, but if I was your boyfriend, I'd want to know that my girlfriend is getting her validation elsewhere. I'm sure you'd want to the know the same from your significant other.

[salparadise]

When did the texting begin? And besides the instance you mentioned, is there a lot of flirtation or is the interaction otherwise platonic? Are you keeping it hidden from your current boyfriend or is it all above board? Are you confiding in the guy and talking about ups and downs with the current boyfriend?

 

From your live-in boyfriend's perspective, if he knew you had dated the guy and are being flirtatious in the texts it would certainly be seen as inappropriate (micro cheating). Also, if you're texting on a daily basis (as opposed to just occasional) then you are siphoning off energy that would otherwise be invested in your relationship, and therefore it exists at the expense of your relationship. How would you feel if you found out that your boyfriend had a texting thing going on with a women he had dated previously, and that they were confidants and sharing a lot of personal stuff? Yup, reverse the roles and imagine how it would feel to you.

 

You need to get some female friends to hang out with as your social outlet. It can be cultivated, even if you are an introvert.

 

How long has the live-in boyfriend been living in? How long after the divorce did you start doing him? In my opinion it takes two years to equilibrate after a divorce, so I'm guessing that you're in too deep, too soon and maybe haven't done the self work you needed after the divorce.

 

The old saying, "the best way to get over a man is to get under another one" may have an element of truth to it... but moving him in, and with a young child? Ugh. If I was your ex-husband I'd be phukking livid.

 

My recommendations (which i know you won't like): reduce the texting to occasional and keep is strictly platonic (he's in a R too). Move the live-in guy out and give yourself time to get to know yourself independently before jumping into a new R. If things are really good and you see a future with the new guy then date with purpose but don't be adopting anyone. Keep your dating separate from your child, and prioritize the child.

[mark clemson]

IF you were married, I'd say what you describe is an emotional affair (EA) or at least the beginnings of one. The feelings can creep up on you slowly and before you know it you're really hooked on the other person. Happens all the time.

 

You're not married, so this is in the grey area of kinda/sorta emotional "cheating" on your BF. Not full fledged; but enough that you bothered to post about it here and clearly both of you feel something.

 

If I said your old friend was grooming you with flirty texts would you be offended? He would never do that! Maybe so, but that's one way to look at it. (Not necessarily the RIGHT way, but one way.)

 

Some BFs would flip if they knew about it. Others might think it's no big deal. There's no way to know in your case without asking or showing him the texts. A risk, but then you know. He's just a BF so doesn't have a "right" to know or to interfere in your choices. But he sure has a right to end it with you.

 

Bottom line is I agree that you should nip this in the bud. If you let it escalate, a year from now you might be done with your BF (or cheating on him) and flying out to be with the friend. This could happen quite literally - stuff like this happens all the time.

[d0nnivain]

What do you mean "forget about the friend"? I think all you have to do is be transparent & enforce boundaries. Platonic love is a thing & it's OK. Luv ya is vastly different from I love you.

 

I have serval male friends & work colleagues. All occasionally make flirty comments. Most of the time it's harmless but if somebody crosses my boundaries I let them know. Years ago at a party a drunk colleague was getting handsy. I grabbed his hands & told him to stop. He asked if my husband was going to kill him for flirting with me. Dead serious, I replied that my husband would never deprive me of the pleasure of killing him myself if he continued with the inappropriate behavior. Swear to God, the guy paled & backed off. He looked at my husband who shrugged saying, "You know D0nnivain can take care of herself."

 

Last night at an industry event one of the guys said something about taking me to a hotel. The commercial parking lot for the event we were at was across the street under a hotel. I had been asking if anybody was walking over there because it was pretty deserted. My guy buddy volunteered & made some bad joke about taking me to a hotel. Everybody knew it was joke because that is where the parking lot is. I joked back asking if anybody had a rolled up newspaper that I could smack my friend with it like the bad dog he was being. I got a bigger laugh then he did. This morning we were texting back & forth about a diversity seminar we're running together next month.

 

Our relationship is all above board. My buddy calls my husband "the competition." DH stated calling himself The Husband in response, kind of a one-upsmanship thing. It's all very funny & playful. When I got home I told DH that my friend said Hi to the Competition. DH texted my buddy "she's home safe with me. I win again."

 

You can have opposite sex friends with whom you discuss various things including relationships. You can flirt with them to a point as long as everyone knows where the lines are drawn & you put your SO 1st.

 

Just draw some brighter lines & you will be OK.

[Amanda9]

Is the conversations that you have with X taking the place of the romance that you share with your man?

 

Is the flattery you get from X in some way missing from the flattery you're supposed to get from your man?

 

Do you feel it inappropriate to get texts from someone that flirts with you, calls you babe, stuff like that, while you're in a relationship? This one is easy, let me answer it for you. Of course you do, that's why you're trying to excuse it already and validate it by placing the excuse in the form of friendship.

 

Look, everyone deserves to have friends, but the difference between your friend and your boyfriend with whom you love in a romantic way is that there are different boundaries set up. No one has the power to tell you who you can, or can't be friends with, even if you give that power to someone else and they do so. However, if this guy doesn't respect your relationship boundary, and you don't do anything about it, how is your boyfriend supposed to enforce that boundary for you if you don't tell him, or he doesn't know, what is going on?

 

It is possible that perhaps this friendship is filling a void in the romantic department that somehow is lacking with your current boyfriend. Why is that? Do you feel that your current boyfriend doesn't "make you smile" the way X does when he tells you he "loves ya"? And while the "love ya" stuff can be excused as just friends telling each other they love each other, I sincerely doubt that's the case in your regard because you qualified the excuse with a romantic undertone.

 

I'm not trying to attack you in any way. I'm asking you questions that perhaps would give you a different perspective. What if your boyfriend had texts from a girl with the same content - how would you feel? Would you be suspicious of the nature of those texts and the nature of that friendship? Would you feel inadequate because he's smiles often at the text-only relationship that somehow is possibly filling a void that you thought you were filling?

 

Either hold on the reins on your friendship and set up boundaries and enforce the rules of friendship, or be with both, or go after the one you want. If you think you and X share a connection with each other that only you two have - why is it that both of you are not dating each other? Does he not feel the same way about you? Is this a one way thing - your perspective only?

 

I understand that often, after a divorce, validation of self-worth is often critical for healing. To be in a divorce is rough - it's literally the separation of what you vowed to not do. It's undoing what you vowed you wouldn't undo, and while I understand that, I also understand that sometimes, that separation can leave someone shattered in a way that they search for validation from others - even if it's not romantic - or borderline romantic.

 

If you want to remain friends with him, remain friends. But that means not mixing up the differences between being friends, and being more than friends. If you choose to be more than friends and share some kind of romantic connection, then you have to let your boyfriend know you've made that decision. I don't know the dynamic of your relationship, but if I was your boyfriend, I'd want to know that my girlfriend is getting her validation elsewhere. I'm sure you'd want to the know the same from your significant other.

 

 

My current BF often compliments me. I am flattered by him, too, but it doesn't give me the same "butterfly feeling" if that makes sense.

 

 

I know that if the tables were turned I wouldn't like it. Like you said, I already know it's inappropriate. I do share with my BF some of the comments my friend makes. He says it doesn't bother him because he trusts me fully, but he also feels my friend is being immature.

 

 

I think one of the reasons it's hard to set boundaries is because yes, there is a connection with my friend. It's hard to know for sure why we aren't together. 15 years ago I wanted to be with him, but chose someone else. Yet he has hinted at regretting that decision. I think he feels a connection too and I'm pretty sure it's not one way.

 

 

It just seems complicated to me because like I said I am happy with my current relationship. I don't take getting into a relationship lightly because I have a son who is my first priority. My current BF is good to my son and I. I don't think it would be fair to my son, my BF, or myself to end things.

 

 

I know the right thing to do if I want to continue being friends with this man is to be *just friends*. But I don't know why it's not an easy choice for me, and I am quite upset at myself for it. Maybe I love both? Maybe I am too emotionally shattered after losing my husband that I'm not making healthy choices?

[d0nnivain]

I know the right thing to do if I want to continue being friends with this man is to be *just friends*. But I don't know why it's not an easy choice for me, and I am quite upset at myself for it. Maybe I love both? Maybe I am too emotionally shattered after losing my husband that I'm not making healthy choices?

 

That is a valid theory. If you are more flattered by attention from another man then your SO that is a problem.

 

Flattery is one thing. Everybody likes a compliment but when you crave them from somebody not your SO it's a slippery slope.

[Amanda9]

When did the texting begin? And besides the instance you mentioned, is there a lot of flirtation or is the interaction otherwise platonic? Are you keeping it hidden from your current boyfriend or is it all above board? Are you confiding in the guy and talking about ups and downs with the current boyfriend?

 

From your live-in boyfriend's perspective, if he knew you had dated the guy and are being flirtatious in the texts it would certainly be seen as inappropriate (micro cheating). Also, if you're texting on a daily basis (as opposed to just occasional) then you are siphoning off energy that would otherwise be invested in your relationship, and therefore it exists at the expense of your relationship. How would you feel if you found out that your boyfriend had a texting thing going on with a women he had dated previously, and that they were confidants and sharing a lot of personal stuff? Yup, reverse the roles and imagine how it would feel to you.

 

You need to get some female friends to hang out with as your social outlet. It can be cultivated, even if you are an introvert.

 

How long has the live-in boyfriend been living in? How long after the divorce did you start doing him? In my opinion it takes two years to equilibrate after a divorce, so I'm guessing that you're in too deep, too soon and maybe haven't done the self work you needed after the divorce.

 

The old saying, "the best way to get over a man is to get under another one" may have an element of truth to it... but moving him in, and with a young child? Ugh. If I was your ex-husband I'd be phukking livid.

 

My recommendations (which i know you won't like): reduce the texting to occasional and keep is strictly platonic (he's in a R too). Move the live-in guy out and give yourself time to get to know yourself independently before jumping into a new R. If things are really good and you see a future with the new guy then date with purpose but don't be adopting anyone. Keep your dating separate from your child, and prioritize the child.

 

 

 

I have been texting the friend for many years. I would say our conversations are usually platonic with the occaisional flirting (from his end). I don't hide it from my BF, and I don't text my friend if my BF is home because I would think that to be inconsiderate. I don't confide in my friend about my BF, but he confides to me about his GF when they have problems. I would guess we text maybe once a week, not daily or anything.

 

 

I agree I need female friends. Where do I start?

 

 

My BF has been living with me for 10 months. I have been separated from my husband for 2.5 years. I don't think my ex husband has a problem with the BF living here, because he moved in with his current GF and HER kids before my BF moved in with my son and I. (In case you are wondering I have zero feelings for the ex husband btw). Anyway, maybe it's too much too soon like you say. Part of the reasons my BF and I decided he could move in was he gets along with my son, we love each other, it helps both of us financially, and he lived an hour away and was staying here often anyway.

[Amanda9]

That is a valid theory. If you are more flattered by attention from another man then your SO that is a problem.

 

Flattery is one thing. Everybody likes a compliment but when you crave them from somebody not your SO it's a slippery slope.

 

 

 

What should I do to get off this slippery slope?

[The Outlaw]

It isn't really being fair to your BF or his GF, even though it is only text based. And if by chance either one of them have been burned before, it could possibly raise an issue. Just sayin'.

[d0nnivain]

What should I do to get off this slippery slope?

 

It depends. If you really think you prefer the text buddy to your SO, you may need to break up with the SO. Unfortunately, since the buddy is taken & we can't really tell if he sees you as more then a friend, you can't do anything. If he's really interested once you are free he will be shortly too

[Mr. Lucky]

It depends. If you really think you prefer the text buddy to your SO, you may need to break up with the SO.

 

Agree with d0nnivain, you're glossing over an important piece of information.

 

Forget the friend, your SO is being weighed against a LD text relationship - and coming up short. That's a valuable piece of intel regarding your current romantic situation...

 

Mr. Lucky