For those struggling with if they should stay

[winterkeep]

It’s been years since I posted here but wanted to let you know about my life on the other side.

 

First as a background, I met MM through work and we fell in love quickly and with great intensity. He was everything I wanted in a man and seemed to worship me, it was crazy and intoxicating I could barely think about anyone else, then he dropped the bombshell - he was married. He and his wife lived apart for work so it was easy to conceal.

 

He begged me to stay with him swearing that I was his soul mate and he was leaving and stupidly I did. There were so many other red flags I ignored too, I was so caught up in the promises and intensity he spun. We were long distance after the first month but spoke multiple times a day and had an overseas trip planned and paid for, about two weeks before he started becoming distant and the night before I was due to get on the plane he messaged me and told me he had an emergency at work and couldn’t go. I’d already spent thousands but heartbroken I cancelled my flights, I found out the next day it was a lie and he went anyway.

 

We were NC for several weeks until he rang me sobbing apologising with a story of panicking and not knowing what to do, stupidly I forgave him and that’s when the torture really started. I’ll spare you the details except to say I came to realise that he was a full blown malignant narcissist who only wanted to control me, he was happy to cause me pain when it suited him and I sadly stayed in this situation for almost a year. It nearly destroyed everything I was, in the end I was so broken and destroyed that I could barely function.

 

One day I decided to cut him off, I told him goodbye and blocked him then started the work on myself. It was hard and at times painful, for some reason u still missed him and longed for things to go back to those initial stages even if I knew it was fake. He tried every way he could to get in contact, even getting a new phone six different times, his pattern was the same, try to cajole me, then guilt me and when I still ignored him, attack me.

 

I stayed strong and became strong, I started to be happy again and to look at my experience objectively- eventually I met someone.

 

He is so unlike MM that they can’t be compared, he’s loving, kind and thoughtful and his life is filled with family and friends who love him for his heart, I’ve never seen him act meanly or cruelly to anything or anyone. I’m so happy, confident and at peace in this relationship- we’re now married and have a baby.

 

There’s hope out there for all of you but you won’t find it until you let go of your affair. There’s a website dedicated to supporting other men and women that I still read on and you’ll find story after story of women twisting themselves into knots trying to justify their affairs and find security with their MM, it’s heartbreaking.

 

Don’t waste any more of your lives on something that is broken, some women spend ten years with a MM only to miss their chance at children and love while their MM stays with the wife he claims to be so unhappy with - this is the norm from everywhere I’ve read.

 

You all deserve so much more than that, it will hurt for some time- but far less time than it would if you were to stay.

 

My exMM still tries to contact me from time to time, I still ignore him, he has no power over me anymore x

[LIRR88]

Thanks for the update, I am so happy for you! I’m glad you’re sharing your story, more people need to hear this. You’ll never find the true love of your life if you stay stuck in the affair cycle. You're an example of how putting yourself first and working on your issues can really turn your life around in a very positive way.

[Aloha123]

Thanks for taking the time to come back. Sometimes I feel like, because people understandably stop posting when they are no longer in pain, there is too much wheel spinning by those of us who are still in the thick of things and lack much perspective.

 

May I ask how long it was before you felt more better than worse, and how long before you met your new boyfriend?

[winterkeep]

Hi Aloha, it took awhile particularly the detachment phase of knowing that he was treating me badly and we’d never have an open, stable relationship but getting sucked right back in by him saying what I wanted to hear. I think this happens a lot in affairs as part of the relationship has to be fantasy for it to work, be it the fantasy of the future or the fantasy that the married person is stuck in a horrible or loveless relationship and that you’re their one true love. I say these things are fantasy as they exist without proof, because let’s face it, if MM really wanted to be with the OW he would.

 

I believe that this fantasy aspect keeps us around for longer than we would stay if a SG acted in the same manner because there’s no pretence in a regular relationship, but in an affair we become used to acting out an enormous part of the relationship on our own - his presence is minimal so we can explain his behaviours in whatever way is most palatable.

 

I think it’s better if I explain my recovery in terms of action as you could go for years not talking to someone, but unless you actively work on yourself you can still stay unhappy and stuck.

 

About a year after I’d stopped seeing him (but still kept him in my thoughts and let myself get drawn in when he’d Hoover around to make contact) I decided to do something for myself and booked a 4 week holiday to an overseas health retreat. For the first two weeks I made friends, exercised, at well, did yoga and relaxed in the sun- it was pure catharsis and I began to feel like myself again.

 

I was barely replying to his messages and was feeling good about it, I’d posted some pictures on Instagram of a training session not knowing that he was following me. I was pretty proud of the picture as I’d gained a six pack and was looking healthy and happy, I guess this pissed him off as he messaged a nasty message to me about it trying to put me down (typical narc behaviour!)

 

I just suddenly had enough, I was finally looking after and loving myself and just didn’t want him or his negativity in my life anymore so I blocked him.

 

That was it for me, and not long after I met my husband, we were friends for awhile and slowest developed a healthy relationship. I wouldn’t have been able to have cut MM from my life, nor would I have been ready for my H if I hadn’t learnt to love myself first.

[Abetterme]

Winterkeep - Such a great update. I think it speaks not only to how working on loving yourself allowed a healthy relationship into your life, but also how getting the crux of your “why” will prevent something like that in the future. Very happy for you! Thanks for posting.

[FMW]

That's really awesome, thanks for sharing!

[notmyfinestmoment]

Thank you so much for this post. We don't hear too often how we are going to be once we make it to the other side!

 

 

I am currently in the process of letting go. The sadness I feel overwhelms me quite often and then I question if I did the right thing by walking away. And while I can't say mine is a Narc (he doesn't try to control me, he is more of a lost soul), the patterns are the same as far as push/pull, etc.. And no matter what personality type they are, the bottom line is we deserve so much more.

 

 

 

When I read your post, I thought, WOW! This is where I am hoping to be!