Telling kids about divorce and the questions they ask

[Trimmer]

Unfortunately, we're at the point where we will soon tell our kids (ages 6 & 8) that we are going to get a divorce. Things are "amicable" - no fights or overt hostility - we remain cooperative and supportive in taking care of the kids, household operations, family responsibilities, etc...

 

I've been doing a bit of reading up. We plan to talk to them with all 4 of us together.

 

Although up to a certain point I would have done anything to work on our marriage together, that willingness was specifically rebuffed, (i.e. she's "leaving".) However, I'm willing to suck it up, put on a brave front, and for the good of the kids, put it in terms of what "we" have decided to do, although I want to avoid outright lying...

 

I'm trying to anticipate questions we might get from the kids - I'm pretty sure I have an idea of what some of the basics might be, but I wanted to brainstorm any others that might come out of left field, just so I can have considered them in advance, and be prepared to answer them in a constructive, respectful way. Questions I'm prepared for, or at least, ones that I'm aware might come up:

 

What's going to happen to me/us?

Where are we going to live?

Why are you getting a divorce?

Did I/we do something to make you mad?

Do you still love each other?

Do you still love me/us?

Did you love each other when you made me?

Is there a chance of getting back together again?

 

We also plan to keep it pretty basic, and not offer a lot of embellishment or long lectures, instead allowing them to ask what they want to know about. We will reassure them that this is about mom and me, that it is not about them or their behavior, that it doesn't change the nature of our bonds with them as parents and children, and that we will continue to respect and support each other as parents. I'll be open to questions or them sharing their feelings or just needing to be reassured at any time, now or in the future.

 

I know not to let them harbor any hope of us getting back together (as hard as it is for me to avoid that myself...)

 

I know to reassure them that they will be just as safe, loved, and cared for as they always have, and that's actually the one part of all of this in which I have the most confidence and feel strongest, because its the one thing I know, in my heart, to be absolutely true.

 

Anyway - are there any other likely questions anyone can think of that might come from this age range? Any specific things to be careful of (like avoiding the hope of reconciliation)? Any comments or criticisms of my approach, or any other suggestions?

 

With a heavy heart...

[Merin]

 

What's going to happen to me/us?

Where are we going to live?

Why are you getting a divorce?

Did I/we do something to make you mad?

Do you still love each other?

Do you still love me/us?

Did you love each other when you made me?

Is there a chance of getting back together again?

 

With a heavy heart...

 

Damn... Sorry to hear of your situation...

 

My Kids were younger when I divorced thier Dad.... they are now 8 and 5...

 

But at the time my oldest was 5 years old so yes... it was difficult to explain to her...

 

One suggestion I would make is to go to a book store (like Barnes and Noble) and in the childrens section they have books for your kids age group explaining divorce on a Kids level...

 

Secondly, when you tell them as you've said keep it simple.... I told my Daughter simply that sometimes Mommies and Daddies cannot live together anymore... that it was nothing she or her sister did or didn't do, that both of us still love them more than anything, that they will still be in both of our lives... I have custody of my Kids so we let them know when they could count on spending time with thier Dad as well...

 

When it comes to the question Don't you love Mom or Dad anymore... thats a rough one.... I told my Kids that I will always love thier Dad but that I love him as a FRIEND... that I wish him well and want him to be happy....

 

Divorce is rough... just give them a lot of affection, be honest when talking to them that yes it hurts... BUT that everyone is going to be okay.

 

Hang in there....

[Mz. Pixie]

My exh totally bailed on the talk. He was there but he didn't say much. We talked to them separately, my oldest first. I told him that we loved him, but that sometimes parents couldn't live together and that we were going to be divorced and living separately. I told him that he didn't do anything to cause this, that we still loved him just as much and that we would work together to come up with a schedule where he could see both of us lots. As I was sitting there telling him, his face just collapsed and he started to cry. It was the most hurt look I've ever seen on his face. He asked why we couldn't all live together and I explained that it was because we were having trouble getting along. After a bit he was okay. The next night he sat down with us to tell his sister and him being there comforted him. He was very grown up in looking back on it. We kept it more simple with my daughter and I don't think she really still understands and I'm remarried (she's 4). She tells me alot "Mommy, daddy still wants to kiss you" and stuff like that. Which breaks my heart........

 

Don't give too much information that they don't need. The one thing I've never said is that I didn't love their dad anymore. I wouldn't want them to think that my love for them might change. My daughter even told our neighbors daughter the other day, "My mom still loves my dad, right mom?" and of course I said yes, I had to.

 

It's hard, and I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

[Haunani]

Trimmer - I totally sympathize with you. I had that same conversation with my kids just 2 days ago. So far, it's been okay, and we're holding up. Aside from the fact that my eldest 19 years is closest to his Dad, I guess he somehow realized that I (the leaver), has chose the "enough is enough". It wasn't timed, nor scheduled, it just so happen be the right time to do it, to say it, and it just worked out.

 

My 2 younger ones 15 and 7 miss their dad, but they understand what I've gone through and that he's never really been around for them so it's easier for them to not have him here anyway, that's so sad. But true.

 

Stay strong, and remind them that you both love them very much, and like you, I gave no indication there would be any reconciliation, though I know in my eldest's heart, he's truly hoping. And it's funny cause the stronger I get, they get too. For me it's been a long time coming, so this should be truly no shock to them, but I guess it still is - it's like a death of sorts, grieving, but you will be fine, believe this, make your words match your actions and you'll do fine.

 

Good luck.

[Trimmer]

Thank you so much, you guys, both for the advice and for your words of support. Other than my counselor (who maintains an appropriate sort of personal detachment...) I haven't really confided in anyone about this whole situation, so it's nice to get some heartfelt feedback. It just sucks and I know it's not the worst thing anyone has ever gone through by far, but it's the worst thing I've ever gone through, so I really appreciate your kindness.

 

I know what you mean, Haunani, it's like coming to terms with a death.

 

As for the kids, I think it sounds like my general thinking is more or less on track. I hate that this is happening, but like I said, my relationship with them is one thing I have unquestioning confidence in, and so I believe that both in my words and my actions to follow, that I'll do OK.

 

I will be alright; we will be alright - it's just a matter of starting out on a different journey.

[lynnered]

Get help dealing with your own painful feelings about the divorce. If you're able to make a healthy adjustment, your child will be more likely to do so, too. Also, getting needed emotional support and being able to air your feelings and thoughts with an adult will lessen the possibility of your child shouldering the unfair burden of your emotional concerns. This may include trusted friends or family members or a therapist.

Be patient with yourself and with your child. Emotional concerns, loss, and hurt following divorce take time to heal and often happen in phases. That's healthy.

Resist the temptation to make up for the child's loss with material things, food treats, or special privileges. Emotional hurt is best healed with care and support from loved ones, not things.

Recognize the signals of stress for your child's age. Consult your child's doctor or a child therapist for guidance on how to handle specific problems you're concerned about.

good luck

[Trimmer]

Thanks, lynnered - these are all really good, thoughtful points, and I agree with your philosophies here. My counselor also works a lot with children, so I think I've got a good resource available.

[Trimmer]

We talked to the kids today. I think it went pretty well, and yes, I do realize the absolute head-exploding insanity of that statement. My wife didn't say much, but I don't have any bad feelings about that because I think I did pretty well myself. I like to think I was doing OK and she didn't see the need to correct or add anything...

 

The kids reacted pretty much as I might have expected, knowing their personalities. Our 6 yr. old son - a happy-go-lucky little guy - sat on my lap and just stayed in close physical contact, listened seriously but didn't say much, and then was like "OK - I'm gonna go outside and play now." Our 8 yr. old daughter "got it" right away. About 5 seconds after the word "divorce" floated out into the air, she melted and started crying. She hid under a blanket for most of the time, but I was reassured that she immediately sought out and stayed in physical contact with my wife, as opposed to withdrawing.

 

We kept the rest of the day kind of low key and typical, and the kids even made mention of it at various times during the day, so I feel good that it is "out in the open" enough that they feel they don't have to avoid talking about it. I'll be keeping a loving eye on both of them (I know that my son's benign initial reaction doesn't mean that he wasn't - or won't be - affected by it as time goes on...) and we both made it clear that we are open and available for questions, sharing feelings, etc...

 

So, at the end of this day when things turned upside-down in their lives, I am confident that they still feel safe and loved, and I also have confidence that our actions moving forward will continue to prove that to them.

 

Hearing your suggestions was key to making this work as well as it could have. Merin - your reinforcing the idea of keeping it simple really helped me to focus on that. I tend to get into "lecture" mode and keep going on and on. I really kept my mind on keeping it simple, and it turned out that after hearing the basics, they mostly needed to be quiet and close to us. Mz. Pixie - same for you with not spewing out too much information, and also, hearing of your experience with your son collapsing into tears in front of you kind of prepared me for that possibility, and it made it a little easier to stay strong for my daughter when that happened to her.

 

I'm tired and a little (a lot...) emotionally raw right now, but I mean this sincerely: all of you guys helped, and I appreciate it deeply. Thank you so much.

[Ladyjane14]

You know, I have a friend who has been through a few really tough experiences. And I mean, REALLY tough experiences, the least of which would be dealing with her husband's infidelity.

 

She's dealt with stuff that puts people in therapy, and she's come through it all whole and sane. She's an awesome person.

 

But she told me that the day she told her children about her impending divorce was the toughest day of her life. That says something, particularly in comparison to what she's already endured.

 

Anyway, it sounds like you did a great job, all things considered. There will be alot more questions. Some will seem kind of silly, but kids just don't know what to expect....so keep them informed on the basics.

 

Pay special attention that they know what's going on in regard to their daily agenda. Who's picking them up from school? Who's going to soccer practice? Are you still going to play ball with them? Are you making pancakes on Saturday? Things like that.

 

Kids are self-centered. Not in the negative way we think of "self-centered" adults. It's normal for them to be that way. They need to know how these new developments will effect them in a daily way.

[RecordProducer]

Pshychologists say that 6-8 is the hardest age for children when their parents get divorced. I was 6.5 and it was terrible for me. I didn't realize how much I suffered until I was an adult, but I know I suffered a lot. The worst part was that my mother moved in with another man who treated both of us badly. He later even molested me. She was very much against my father at the time. I just don't want to remember how awful it was for many years...

 

Even changing school in the first grade for difficult for me. I was a happy kid and suddenly my parents ruined my life. I didn't blame anyone, I just was so unhappy. I still think that my mother could've handled things much better. She acts like "how could I know?" She couldn't know anything. She couldn't know I was unhappy, she never asked me. She forced me to call the step-monster "daddy", she wanted to turn me against my father... etc. The step-monster beat the sh*t out of her about once a week, swore and cursed and cheated. Yeah, right, she couldn't have known anything...

 

Just spare the kids. Children are very fragile. I fight with my mother about 10 times a day. I've been living with her after I got divorced. I believe the constant antagonism between the two of us is due to all the things that have happened in the past.

 

My kids were 2 when my ex and I split. They don't want us to be together again. They want me to marry my BF, they love both him and their father.

[Mz. Pixie]

Trimmer, I'm glad it went okay..... sorry about your daughter. I know how bad that hurt........ I'm with LJ. I've been through terrible stuff, abuse, etc but telling my kids that was the hardest thing I've ever done.......

 

Hang in there!

[Trimmer]

Just spare the kids. Children are very fragile.

 

I agree. I sometimes hear people who divorce go on about how resilient kids are and how they will be just fine, etc.... But I think that tends to be us trying to convince ourselves as adults that what we're doing is OK. It shouldn't relieve us of our primary responsibility to care for them with all our hearts, and to provide a safe, nurturing environment for them to deveop within.

 

When you get married, an almost universal part of the ritual (in my culture, anyway) is to stand up in front of family and friends and state your vows. You promise commitments to each other, and to a large degree, I think you are also announcing commitments to family, friends, and society.

 

When children are involved, I think we should make divorce vows, too. To my STBX-mother-in-law, to my STBX-sister-in-law, I promise to continue to love and cherish your grandchildren (niece and nephew), to care for and protect them with the same energy and honor as I always have before. I promise to treat my STBXW, your daughter (sister), with respect in general, and especially in front of the children, whether she is present or not, and to expect the best of them in their behavior and respect towards her. I will not use the children as tools of any kind in my relationship with her (i.e. I won't communicate with her through them, I won't question them to investigate her activities, feelings, lifestyle, etc.) I will never put the children into a position of having to decide or divide their loyalties between us.

 

And so on. Maybe this is the kind of thing you do when you go through those court-required parenting classes as a condition of divorce.

 

RP - if it helps you to know there's one less thing in the world you have to worry about, I stand before you now and make these promises to you, too. Thanks...

 

LJ and Mz.P - yeah, it was painful beyond imagination, but the thing that helps, and allows me to look to the future with hope, is that I truly believe that we are both equally and strongly concerned and focused on providing a stable, loving, nurturing environment for our kids. This helps us to remember that our egos and other issues need to be dealt with respectfully and kept in perspective, and frankly, I'm starting to see this in action, so like I said, I'm hopeful.

[Mz. Pixie]

Just last night my son started crying about the divorce and it's been over a year. He said he wanted his dad and I to get remarried. I'm married to someone else!

 

My new husband was really good with him and helped me to reassure him but I am so depressed today that something I did has caused my child this much pain. You know, he misses me when he's with his dad, and misses his dad when he's with me. He wants us to be one big happy family and is coming to the point of knowing that's not ever gonna happen again.

 

My exh and I are not co parenting very well so Trimmer if you can do that then great. He unfortunately will not show me mutual respect. We share joint custody and he just thinks he makes all the rules and is unwilling to compromise on big issues. That is why I'm going to have to take him back to court and I've practically done everything but beg to keep from doing. I know in the end he will be the one who misses out. See, I'm one of those women who actually wants her exhusband to have his time with the kids- but if he can't make logical decisions because he's so blinded with rage because I've moved on then we can't do that.

 

Gosh, I need a valium.

[reservoirdog1]

When XW and I decided to split, my daughter was 6. My son wasn't even 3. I remember the conversation. My daughter was aware that their mother and I had been arguing loudly recently, so it clearly wasn't a total shock. We started meandering around the topic in a cautious way, when suddenly my daughter said "I know what's happening! You're getting a divorce!" I was very impressed (and saddened) by her perceptiveness.

 

After that we had a fairly tearful conversation with my daughter (and me) crying occasionally. Did what we were supposed to do and told her that it wasn't her fault, that she hadn't done anything wrong. Her response was "I KNOW that" (with a tone of voice that suggested "I'm not a complete idiot, you know").

 

Two years later, the adjustment has had its ups and downs but has been not too bad overall, at least outwardly. The frequency with which she asks why we had to get a divorce has diminished. There has been a recent bump in the road, because her mother recently moved into a new house with her BF. Plus my daughter changed schools and my parents (who she's really close to) moved away recently. Lots of changes so she's been a bit unhinged lately.

 

God, I never want to go through this sh*t again.

[ThumbingMyWay]

God, I never want to go through this sh*t again.

 

man...after reading some of these stories....and thinking about my situ....and knowing how sensitive my 6 yo daughter is.....I just got teary eyed thinking about how devasting this would be for her and her lil brother. I could never do this to her....it would break my heart and hers....

[GuySimple]

Trimmer and others...Had you or your spouse moved out prior to telling the kids?

 

My W and I have been talking about separating. I don’t know if it will end up in divorce but I am not sure what to say to the kids.

[Lil Honey]

Guy Simple:

 

I think the kids should be told before anyone moves out. It's like giving them "fair warning." If the time comes for you, the others have given very good ideas and support.

 

Trimmer:

 

I'm proud to know that you and your EX are taking the high road through this for the kids. So many people don't/can't/won't.

 

I waited several years to leave. I told my EH that I wasn't leaving to "take him to the cleaners" and that I wanted us to get along without arguing. I told him that we needed to be good examples to the kids for handling things maturely.

 

My daughter was 20 and my son was 17. My EH never discussed telling the kids, so I sat them down separately and told them alone. Each cried. My daughter's first words were, "Where are you going?" She had already been out of the house, so I told my son that he and his dad would be staying in the house. I didn't want to take him away from his dad and I didn't want to take him away from the only home he'd ever known.

 

I told them both that they would always be loved by both parents and that we would always be a part of their lives. (Let's face it . . . it only makes sense to get along with the Ex because there will be other life events with the kids - weddings and babies - when two exs will be in the same place at the same time.)

 

I know that he (my son) has really missed me. I can't even tell you in words how much I miss him.

 

I did what I had to do for my own sanity and happiness.

 

All you can do is keep moving forward.

[Trimmer]

GuySimple: My philosophy is the same as Lil Honey, in that we wanted to tell them before making any big lifestyle changes. We (my wife and I) were discussing who else to tell about it and when, or whether to just sit on it and let it kind of get around by itself. My feeling is that if there's anyone that you feel close enough to (family or friends) that you'd rather they hear it from you than "on the street", then take the initiative to tell them face-to-face first. And my kids are definitely on the very top of that list. I want them to feel that they are the most important consideration in this process, so I don't want them to have any inkling that they're being left out of any information

 

Lil Honey - Thanks for your kind words... I ache for you, missing your son. I can imagine how strongly you must feel, and at the same time, I know that I can't imagine it. Do you get to spend some time with him (just not living together), or are you mostly out of the loop?

 

Mz Pixie and reserviordog - I'm not a counselor or psychologist or anything, but I have a theory (probably not at all original) that kids re-experience their memories of significant events (deaths, divorce, traumas) at different stages of their development, as they become able to process and understand more and more of the complexity and nuance of things. So I wonder if this is why it kind of "pops up" again every once in a while.

 

Mz Pixie, While I may not be a psychologist, I am a hopeless optimist (even after all this!) and I would look at it this way - your son has got this experience in his life that he needs to work through, and will probably do it again as he gets older, but I bet there's nothing unusual about that. He probably won't be in constant turmoil and pain, but will just have to deal with it once in a while, from different angles and perspectives as he matures. Now, I see the fact that he is recognizing his deep feelings and expressing them (crying and talking about it) as well as allowing himself to be helped and comforted by the family around him as an absolutely positive and healthy thing.

 

Imagine a kid who just swallows it and lets it build up inside for years, or one who needs to get it out, but has no loving family or friends around as a support structure to unload on. (See Delia's thread as an unfortunate example.) I don't intend to minimize his sadness, or your anguish as you observe and comfort him, but it sounds like you are providing the kind of love and support I would wish for my own kids - or any kid in that situation. Good for you, I admire that - stay strong! Like folks here have told me - let him know, show him, that he is loved and safe, and you are giving him the energy and emotional tools to get through this.

[name]

Well done on being there, Trimmer, I told my kids alone. The 6 year old cried for her daddy, I wish he'd felt able to be there to cuddle her.

 

My kids were about the age of yours, the older is very sensitive. They handled it really well. Most do, those that don't are ususally those whose relationship with either parent is significantly damaged or those that have some other traumatic event at about the same time.

 

Be prepared for relapses. My youngest has been fine throughout but the older found it more difficult. Initially she was very happy with some of the changes, though she missed having her Dad around as much as she was used to. A few weeks later, she had a very bad week, needing to see him every day, doing a show and tell on separation (with photos of dad!) at school etc. I was calm, comforting, it passed.

 

My daughter asked some very tough questions around this time. If yours do the same, you may find your resolution to present a united front is tested. It's so important for a child to feel loved at this time and know their parents agree on what's best for them, even if it doesn't feel right. Dissent scares them. The times my ex broke ranks (so to speak) were the times my kids found it most difficult. That's no coincidence. Now (4 months later) she still gets upset ocassionally but it passes very quickly and she is generally a very happy child.

[Mz. Pixie]

Name-

 

What struck me as funny about your post was that your child wanted to do show and tell at their school about the separation. My son had insisted on me telling a story about their dad at dinner right before he broke down after dinner in the car. At the time I thought it was really wierd- and unusual. He wouldn't give up until I told the story- everyone laughed, including my new husband and we moved on.

 

Trimmer- thank you for your nice words. I agree that the kids should be told BEFORE there is a move. Otherwise their left there with their mouths open saying "Where is daddy going?" or worse "Doesn't daddy love us anymore" This nightmare happened to a friend of ours- who ironically is now dating my exhusband. Her child took months to recover. A friend pointed out to me yesterday that while I had years to formulate in my head that I was going to leave and deal with all the emotions associated with that, my son is fairly new to this. That made huge sense. Hang in there honey!

[sylviaguardian]

Trimmer,

 

I was a bit shocked to read your post here because I didn't realise that things had gone so far for you. What can I say? There are some situations in life that just suck all round and there is no positive spin to put on it. I know that divorce hurts children terribly and that must be so hard to deal with as a parent but no child or family is the same and the effects of divorce are not so bad for some kids depending on how the situation is handled.

 

In your case, it sounds like your kids are first priority, which is how it should be. I won't offer any advice, although my parents divorced when I was round about that age. It sounds like you have all angles covered.

 

So sorry for you trimmer. This is a toughie.

 

Syl

[Trimmer]

I was a bit shocked to read your post here because I didn't realise that things had gone so far for you. What can I say? There are some situations in life that just suck all round and there is no positive spin to put on it.

 

Well, in trying to make sense out of all this, it seems like 80% of her decision was made before she told me she was in such turmoil, and she finished the other 20% without allowing me any insight or participation in the process. She had claimed all along that the OM was just a friend / business colleague, but once I discovered some illuminating text messages and proof of some recreational travel they had done together, well, you know.... I suppose our "irreconcilable difference" is that, almost right up to the end, I would have done anything to become a better husband to her and a better person within our marriage, but by the time I was aware of this, she had no remaining interest in that happening.

 

...no child or family is the same and the effects of divorce are not so bad for some kids depending on how the situation is handled.

 

... and there's my positive spin right there, Syl. I think about the bond that I have with my children - and somewhat ironically, I suppose, the ability I believe my wife and I will have to contiue a civil, respectful relationship - and I think yes, a big part of this sucks big time, but the whole thing doesn't suck; our lives aren't going down the tubes. The bond between us is broken, but the bonds between each of us and our kids can remain strong - not unchanged, I'm sure, but strong.

 

And all that positive energy that I believe I could have put into renewing our marriage... instead of dumping it down the drain and saying "screw it then", I'm still going to apply it to my life as an individual, as a father, and as a friend to the people I choose to be around. I get "do-overs!"

 

See, Mz Pixie - told you I was an incurable optimist!

[Lil Honey]

Lil Honey - Thanks for your kind words... I ache for you, missing your son. I can imagine how strongly you must feel, and at the same time, I know that I can't imagine it. Do you get to spend some time with him (just not living together), or are you mostly out of the loop?

 

Before I left, my son was doing stuff with his dad a lot. That's understandable. They'd go hunting. They'd fix a vehicle. You know, guy stuff. Not only was I feeling alone in the marriage, I was feeling like I wasn't really needed as a mom anymore either. I know, I know. That's to be expected when they turn into teenagers. It was still hard to swallow. THAT is why I moved out. I felt that he needed his dad more . . . and that he wouldn't even miss me.

 

I moved about four miles away from the house. I moved to the closest apartment so that if he ever needed me for anything, I was right there.

 

I won't paint a pretty picture. It's been hard. For some oddball reason, I thought that he might show up at the apartment once in a while just to say, "Hi." He's been there only twice to help move a couple of my things. He's never called me there unless I left a message for him to call.

 

He has done things (like bought things or gone somewhere) and I didn't know until later, because his dad hasn't told me. That's where I think it's different. When they are little, each parent has to know what's going on with school, etc., so that the kids still get picked up on time, etc. I feel that if I was still there, I'd know what is going on in his life, simply because I'd overhear it. As it is, someone has to "go out of their way" to inform me.

 

I don't see him much, because he is working a lot of hours now and has friends that he goes to car shows with . . . young man stuff . . . but when I do see him, I ALWAYS hug him and tell him how much I love him and how much I miss him.

 

If I could undo the hurt that I think I caused him (real or imagined on my part), I most certainly would. It's like I took away the things he believed in.

 

With all of that, I still think that I did the right thing. My heart hurts because I miss my son, but my heart is happier overall.