Overcoming an Affair

[Lost33]

Hi everyone,

 

I found out two months ago that my husband was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. This co-worker started at my husband's job and he even told me how flirty she was and he didn't understand why some of the males were acting like they're attracted to her (he said she wasn't). He works in a male dominated profession (mechanics) and this female co-worker became the end of poor jokes and she went through a hard time being a female. My husband had to train her and helped her get through. He said she noticed she was mistreated. At the time, I was proud of him because it's nice to look out for others. Then one day her car wouldn't start and he fixed it for her in the parking lot but more needed to be done. He said she was driving this vehicle to college an hour away and thought it would be a fun project to work on.

 

Now he's doing work for her, me thinking it's just one time, I'm ok with it. My husband is AMAZING at fixing cars. Well then it turns into more than once legit working on this car. I hung out with them once and thought she was great. Then there was a car show him and a bunch of co-workers went too. I hung out and had fun. Their relationship escalated to friends pretty quick. Things started getting past the line for me and I told my husband to stop. He blew me off, "we're just friends" etc. Fast forward some time later, my intuition told me to look on his computer while he was at work.

 

I found he had a fake FB account and had been messaging her, saying "I love you" etc. I texted him we were done within minutes. I bagged his stuff up and threw it in the garage. He begged for a second chance and left work to come home right away. It took a toll on me mentally and physically. I had so much stomach pain, this is pain I've never felt before. I honestly would've rather been hit by a car than go through this. My husband deleted everything between him and her. I managed to get us a therapy appointment the next day. My therapist said it's fixable but advised me not to tell others about it incase we do overcome this. (why I'm here)

 

I need a place to vent. My husband has been treating me better, even before this affair happened and is truly putting in the effort to fix things. I just can't help but have so much anger. Mad at him that he could do this to me and mad at her that she knew me and would wedge in my marriage. I won't ever do anything to her but I pray bad things happen to her, honestly. I don't bring up the affair much to my husband as he feels bad. I'm just so torn. Is there anyone who has overcome an affair and continued with a happy marriage?

Edited May 22, 2019 by Lost33

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Your husband just told another woman he loves her - while hiding it from you.

 

While you think you might be able to fix this, and you probably could, but why do you want to fix it in the first place? When you figure out why you want to fix your marriage - and it's for a reason you can justify - then, and only then, will fixing your marriage be possible. No need to waste money for a therapist yet if you don't know why you want to fix it or not.

 

I have always thought love conquers all - and I really do not want to let go of that archaic and arguably elementary way of thinking - however, I keep getting proven wrong even within my own failed relationships. Perhaps that is the case for you as well - love just isn't enough anymore in this day and age. Or, perhaps it is. Only you can really decide that - and then your husband, but you first.

Edited May 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[heartwhole2]

My husband had an affair a few years ago and we are reconciled now. It is possible, but first of all you need the whole truth.

 

How do you know it wasn't a physical affair? Most adults who have access to one another don't say "I love you" and then chastely sit next to each other without touching. And most people who cheat admit to less than they really did, at least at first. My guess is that they had sex. Can he prove they didn't?

 

Next, you need to worry more about your emotional well-being and less about what other people think if they know the truth. I don't think your counselor's advice was completely sound. Not telling anyone isolates you and makes you carry a secret for your husband. I told a few trusted friends, mainly friends I didn't see regularly or who weren't part of my regular social group. This allowed me to have support without "everyone" knowing. I do agree that there's no need to tell everyone in the world.

 

After this, you need STD testing (no matter what he says about sex) and to visit a lawyer to know your options.

 

My husband has been treating me better, even before this affair happened and is truly putting in the effort to fix things.

 

It's very common for betrayed women to compare their husband in CYA mode to the guy they were married to before, and to think, "Well, at least he's treating me better." But no one can make up for infidelity with a little extra kindness or attention. What you need to see is real character change, and that will take years. My husband is still in IC and has grown immensely in his coping and communication skills and his empathy and remorse.

 

I don't bring up the affair much to my husband as he feels bad.

 

Why is him feeling bad so unacceptable that you will allow your own pain to overwhelm you instead? He is the one who broke your trust, and if he wants the honor of remaining married to you, then he needs to work on himself, earn back your trust, and support you in every way that he can. It sounds to me like there is a power imbalance in your marriage if you are afraid to make him face the natural consequences of his horrible choices and if you value his feelings over your own.

 

Is he still working with the OW? How do you know the affair is over?

 

Rebuilding after an affair is possible, yes, but if you never talk about it, then you are not rebuilding, you are rug-sweeping.

[Amethyst68]

I'm sorry you're here. Please don't mistake your husband's current treatment for remorse it's more likely to be regret at being caught or as another poster put it CMA!

 

 

Does the woman still work with your husband? Something you have to be very careful of is the affair being taken underground, something that is extremely easy to do if they're working side by side every day. Check for burner phones or for hidden apps, even apps that may be getting add and deserted on a daily basis.

 

 

I would also question the fact that it was only an EA, grown adults who have easy access to each other tend to take the affair physical.

 

 

Finally it is your right to ask any questions you need to. Who cares if your husband feels bad, he didn't care about you when he cheated, he now has a responsibility provide any details you need.

 

 

Take care of yourself and remember you do not need to make a decision about your marriage immediately, take your time.

[Lost33]

Thank you for the input. We are trying to work it out as we are in our 30s and have been together over 10 years. We've grown up together in our 20s. Honestly, before the affair happened, our marriage was weak.

 

 

As for him having sex, I'm hoping they didn't. He says they didn't. I have cameras outside my home, so I hadn't seen her coming over to my house. I only work three days a week and if they were physical, it couldn't have been for long. Next time I see my doctor, I will ask for testing.

 

 

This woman is a complete downgrade from me. My husband says he liked the attention she was giving him. His work was making him work 12 hour shifts for a whole month and she works right next to him. He said her showing interest in him was what he liked. I've realized after being in a relationship for so long, you tend to stop paying as much attention to someone compared to when you first fall in love.

 

 

I figure I might as well try to fix this. I hope he learned his lesson and we can strengthen from this. If not, then I'm gone. I can afford my living expenses on my own. Even through this affair, I know he loved me. He puts my laundry away, cooks dinner so it's ready for me after work, fixes things for me, etc. I never have to nag him or ask him to do something twice. This affair is the only thing and we need to re-spark our chemistry so to speak. A book I read said some people end relationships too soon without trying to fix it that they end up regretting it.

 

 

I have talked to a friend. He's heard me yell for weeks straight and I need to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is changing. My intuition does feel that it's over between them. I stalked him leaving work (creepy but I needed answers). I wanted to see how he left work. Turns out she left work 10min before him and he left went straight to his car. He is looking for another job right now. They also got new layouts so they aren't assigned next to each other anymore.

[preraph]

Oh, men are often very vulnerable to women who need their help. I'm sure she made him feel like a hero for fixing her car, as any woman would, but only certain men would take it to heart and NEED it that much. I have an ex who was that way and still is, to his wife's lament.

 

Glad you caught him and reacted immediately and definitively. We get so many posters on here just grasping for some justification and riding the fence about whether to even say anything because they don't want to have to make a change. He knows you're serious and you got into counseling, so see how that goes. I imagine in the end, he just liked the appreciation and validation and you know, a lot of guys just fall in love with a woman they see repeatedly. If it weren't for that, I might not have had some of my boyfriends when young.

 

I hope you can work it out. I mean, my car has been in the shop for 3 weeks now, and so maybe I'm biased, but you do NOT want to give up a good mechanic. Hopefully your immediate action nipped it in the bud.

[Mr. Lucky]

Honestly, before the affair happened, our marriage was weak.

 

This affair is the only thing

 

Contradictory statements. You have lots of ground to cover and a husband who's probably a reluctant participant. Amongst the obstacles will be his likely failure to be truthful and your understandable difficulty in letting go of your anger.

 

Hope things work out, keep us posted on your progress...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Turning point]

I have always thought love conquers all - and I really do not want to let go of that ... way of thinking

 

Love does conquer all. However, in a relationship you are still but 1/2 of the equation. Love is a choice, and a choice that must be repeated at each challenge by both people if a relationship is to flourish.

 

We can succeed at love and fail at relationships because the two are not co-requisite. We alone can choose love, but it takes both people to choose the relationship, and then choose to fill it with love.

 

Love is not power - it does not conquer our partner's free will. You cannot love someone into loving you back. The power of love to conquer all arises when two people are united in their choices - a unique combination of sword and shield working together.

Edited May 23, 2019 by Turning point

[heartwhole2]

I don't blame or judge you for wanting to see if you can work it out. As I said, I've reconciled after an affair.

 

But I do want to prepare you that it takes a lot of work. An immense amount of work. Years of work. I'm glad you're not naively assuming that they couldn't have had sex, but since you know you might not even have the whole truth, how can you rebuild without knowing what you are rebuilding from? How can you move forward with someone who might be lying to your face currently?

 

I hope he learned his lesson and we can strengthen from this.

 

He can't have learned anything yet. That will take time and therapy and a willingness to look his ugliest parts square in the face. He can know that he wants to try, but that's about it at this point.

 

The lesson isn't "Don't cheat on Turning point because she'll get mad and I might lose her." The lesson is "I have so much growing to do. I need to learn how to be my best self. I need to treat my wife and strangers alike with the respect they deserve. I need to be a person who lives in the light and who doesn't do things he needs to hide from those he loves. I need to do this because in living this way, I will bless others and be blessed. I have broken my wife's trust because I was selfish and immature and OK with lying and using another woman. I can't undo that or make up for that, but I can put myself in my wife's shoes every day and do everything I can to deserve the gift of a lifetime with her."

[Lost33]

Oh, men are often very vulnerable to women who need their help. I'm sure she made him feel like a hero for fixing her car, as any woman would, but only certain men would take it to heart and NEED it that much. I have an ex who was that way and still is, to his wife's lament.

 

I hope you can work it out. I mean, my car has been in the shop for 3 weeks now, and so maybe I'm biased, but you do NOT want to give up a good mechanic. Hopefully your immediate action nipped it in the bud.

 

 

That is my thoughts exactly, he liked being the hero and helping. I think she saw how much he can do and wanted to take my place. This woman is also a flirt/hoe and either she liked him or was just using him to get free labor. When he ended it with her, from what he said was he told her before work started that he said he was just going to keep her as a co-worker and repair the relationship with his wife. He said she cried and got angry but he left her there and went into work. As far as I know she hasn't tried to get him back, she is blocked on fb/phones, etc. That FB account was deleted. I truthfully think I caught this in the beginning.

 

 

Mr. Lucky - When I saw their relationship getting to close, I confronted him and he blew me off, he was in denial. But when I actually caught him on FB talking to her behind my back and bagged his clothes up for him. He realized he was in the wrong. From my perspective he dropped her like that, done. Course I'm not with him at work but his behaviors/signs I was seeing have stopped completely. Time will tell.

 

 

Heartwhole2 - you do have a point and you're right, it is a LOT of work. Two months into repair, I'm not yelling at him anymore but I get waves of anger that I could yell. It's all stuff he's heard before over and over. Two months in and he seems different in a good way, focusing his attention on me and not doing his signs/behaviors anymore. Although he lied and cheated on me, he had always been there for me and done things for me. Before he cheated, I was wondering if I would be happy in a different relationship too but I never acted on it. That's how I know our marriage was weak at the point she entered. We're doing the counseling and reading a relationship book together, the 5 Love Languages, we've realized how we have different love languages and it's giving us a new perspective. All I can do is try and let him continue to try to fix this.

[preraph]

It's going to be dicey at work for him now, very awkward. I hope she leaves there, but she'll probably hold on hoping to change his mind.

 

Meanwhile, after the dust settles, find some way to make your man feel like a minor hero, because he's needing that. Think of something that he does real well and find a small project you need done. Start with, Honey, I was going to try to do this myself, but you do it so much better than me. I know, it might make you nauseous, but he needs that and so do we all sometimes, to feel we have something going for us. I mean, it could be hang a picture or trim a branch that needs some muscle.

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr. Lucky - When I saw their relationship getting to close, I confronted him and he blew me off, he was in denial. But when I actually caught him on FB talking to her behind my back and bagged his clothes up for him. He realized he was in the wrong. From my perspective he dropped her like that, done. Course I'm not with him at work but his behaviors/signs I was seeing have stopped completely. Time will tell.

 

I was referring to your statement that your marriage was "weak". If you're going to come all the way back from this, you'll need to address those pre-existing conditions. This isn't just about his affair.

 

Also, be aware that, at this point, you know what he allows you to know. It's very hard for even the most remorseful spouse to be truthful about all the shameful things they've done. Even in therapy, few reveal everything and, much like Congress and the Mueller Report, you're stuck reading between the lines of a heavily redacted version.

 

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. Be brave about your own choices and what works for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lost33]

Thank you all for the support.

 

 

As far as I know, they are assigned to different areas of the building and hardly see each other now. I ask him if she makes any efforts to reconnect and he says work has been too busy to even socialize and that no she hasn't. We have good friends who also work where he does and their stories are consistent with how busy they are.

 

 

The book, 5 Love Languages by David Chapman has helped a lot and will help fix our issues. The love languages are

1. Words of Affirmation - praise, compliments, notes

2. Acts of Service - cleaning house, making lunch, chores, etc.

3. Quality Time - spending 15 mins uninterrupted talking or activities together

4. Gifts - buying flowers, surprises, buying take out food, etc.

5. Physical touch - flirty affection, back massages, hugs

 

 

The book describes how everyone has a primary language. We realized that we are completely different and that's how our marriage has gone down hill.

I am #1, I love praise and compliments, if I am buttered up, I can get anything done. My husband on the other hand would always critique that I didn't make the bed right, didn't washes dishes right, he's OCD so you can see how this would negatively affect me. I became pretty unconfident with myself when I was around him - he wouldn't be mean but I'm sensitive and I try to please people.

My husband is #3, he likes me to be in the garage with him and simply spending time with him. What happened thou is he would critique too much that it resulted me not wanting to spend time with him because I honestly felt like negative feels would happen the more I tried to please him by doing things he wanted = this horrible cycle then her coming into the picture. With her working with him (and fixing her car), it's that quality time/attention she gave that filled what I wasn't giving him. He told me it wasn't physical intimacy, just the emotional needs he was wanting.

 

 

Since we've read the book, we're both trying to change how we show our love to each other's language and it's helping. My husband now leaves sweet notes for me every single morning I wake up. He doesn't critique me anymore on how I clean (he can clean better than me) and we're cooking dinner together. I'm spending more time with him. So I feel things are repairing. It does hurt to think there are things he could not be telling me but I am going with my intuition that things have stopped and if he is still lying to me/continuing then I will find out eventually. Maybe he's sincerely learned a big lesson on this and will not ever do it again, if so, then our marriage could be wonderful.

Edited May 24, 2019 by Lost33

[Lost33]

Hi everyone, back after a few years. We are still married but I just feel history will repeat itself. I'm starting to find myself being attracted to other people and not wanting intimacy from my husband anymore. I'm at the point of done trying to make the marriage work. While we get along and I don't scream or yell at him anymore, his affairs (found out about two!) killed a part of me that will ever be intimate with him like I used too. I'm thinking about asking for a separation from him. We don't have kids so I just want to split things 50/50 with him and start fresh. I'm nervous about it but I feel it is time.

[vla1120]

10 minutes ago, Lost33 said:

Hi everyone, back after a few years. We are still married but I just feel history will repeat itself. I'm starting to find myself being attracted to other people and not wanting intimacy from my husband anymore. I'm at the point of done trying to make the marriage work. While we get along and I don't scream or yell at him anymore, his affairs (found out about two!) killed a part of me that will ever be intimate with him like I used too. I'm thinking about asking for a separation from him. We don't have kids so I just want to split things 50/50 with him and start fresh. I'm nervous about it but I feel it is time.

I'm sorry to hear this, but it's not unusual. I stayed in my marriage for 32 years, 18 years after the last time I knew he cheated. We divorced over 8 years ago and I JUST found out he was cheating at the end of our marriage. I had no idea because when a cheating spouse gets caught, they only reveal what they think they have to reveal to appease their betrayed spouse. Now, I am 61 years old and angry with myself for giving him 32 years "because of the children." Guess what? He is now estranged from our daughters! I should have left him LONG AGO when I was still young enough to have some happy, rewarding years with someone who might have really loved and cherished me. 

We only get one ride on the merry-go-round. You have given your marriage everything, and haven't gotten the same in return. Not having kids makes it even easier. Trust yourself. Be strong and give yourself a true chance at happiness!

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Lost33 said:

I'm at the point of done trying to make the marriage work. I'm thinking about asking for a separation from him.

Ease your nerves. Start with a private and confidential consultation with an attorney. You will need to dissolve the marriage legally , not just "separate and divide it 50/50".

That's the first step in easing your worries about it. Do not discuss anything with him until you have your ducks in a row and have appropriate legal advice on how to separate then divorce.

For example, why bother "asking for separation" when  an attorney will tell you you can not make him leave the marital home and it is unwise for you to. This isn't just a breakup.

You are both checked out. Completely. Set yourselves free to find happiness again. But first get advice on your next steps.

Edited April 11, 2022 by Wiseman2

[S2B]

If it’s done then file and be free.

life is too short to stay when your heart isn’t in it.

[BaileyB]

I don’t think anyone could fault you or say that you didn’t try. 

For me, we can try to work it out after the first affair. There would be no hope of reconciliation after the second. 

[stillafool]

Chances are high he will again have another affair and if you don't leave you'll be here again in a couple more years complaining about your bad marriage.  Since you don't have children, why are you putting up with him treating you this way?

[Lost33]

Thank you everyone. The marriage wasn't always hell, he is a hard worker and always made sure I was safe. He maintains difficult things around the house like if something is broke he's smart enough to fix it quickly even if he has no experience with it. He also supports me with my animals. I do feel he is truthful right now and not doing anything but my heart is somewhere else. 

I think in the healing process of my acceptance it altered my ways of desires. I always had that Disney "happily ever after" idea of marriage and that is destroyed. To accept him with other women I see sex now as something you want to please yourself not someone else. Not sure if that makes sense but I've been finding him less attractive to be around and finding others more attractive. I never used to be that way, I used to be the woman who never thought of being with other people but now I do. I would never cheat because that's not fair to anyone but when I tell my husband this he begs me to work on our relationship. We were in the process of starting ivf with an unknown reason why there is no pregnancy but I think it's because we're not meant to have children together. Its hard for me to mention separation for it and ask for break but he gets dramatic about it and even slept in the truck outside one night. I don't want anything bad to happen but I'm at the point I'd rather have alone time.

I just feel unsure, he is the one and only person I've ever been with for 13 years. It's hard to just end it for me.

 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Lost33 said:

. We were starting ivf . Its hard for me to mention separation for it and ask for break but he gets dramatic about it and even slept in the truck outside one night.

Sorry this is happening. You seem woefully undecided. You're in the process of trying to get pregnant and in the same breath telling him you want a divorce?

Keep in mind marriage is not dating. You don't just break-up. So your frequent discussion about that is causing tremendous turmoil for both of you.

[BrinnM]

On 4/18/2022 at 6:25 AM, Lost33 said:

Not sure if that makes sense but I've been finding him less attractive to be around and finding others more attractive.

Yes, totally makes sense! He was unfaithful, and that chipped away at your attraction and love for him. A one-time incident of cheating is already bad enough, but multiple times? Must be really devastating. 

On 4/18/2022 at 6:25 AM, Lost33 said:

but I'm at the point I'd rather have alone time

Understandably so. You will probably be happier single, in the long run, even if it's difficult to completely restructure your life without somebody whom you've been with for so long.

Have you had the separation discussion yet? 

[Lost33]

Everytime I start the discussion he wants to save the marriage. Kind of like when he cheated and was trying to keep me he gets super sweet and doesn't nit pick my habits. He used to always complain about my parking skills in the garage but that stopped. And talks about us being together for fourteen years. It pulls my heart strings but my head tells me he's a serial cheater. It's a major life change. Now he's saying how he hopes to get ivf done this year but I'm putting the breaks on that. I'm at the point that I'm done trying but he makes me feel bad about not.

Honestly I went to a tarot/ psychic and I didn't tell her anything about my life and she picked up on it right away things in my marriage. She said I'm full of honor and that my spouse isn't but that I have a prosperous future and will meet someone with honor. My husband is the only man/person I've ever been intimate with and I think that's why it's hard on me.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lost33 said:

My husband is the only man/person I've ever been intimate with and I think that's why it's hard on me.

That's excellent insight. You're afraid to leave or be alone. That may be why you're undecided and put up with bad treatment, perhaps too paralyzed to seek constructive advice from an attorney about what your options would be in the event of a divorce.

No tall, dark, handsome stranger is going to miraculously appear until you decide which direction you wish to go.