Is it possible for a divorced man to want the marriage back but won't admit it??????

[wanda1974]

I have been divorced for two years. He ended it. We have an 8 yr old daughter, and have joint custody. He left me for OW. He has been with her since before we even seperated. There are just little things he does or says that makes me beleive he misses his marriage, but he's too bullheaded to admit it. He insists on living within 5 miles of his daughter and me, which I can understand. But, there have been times he has invited me out with him and his girlfriend, and I have gone. When he's having problems, he calls me. He asks my opinion on everything. He also wants to kick all my exboyfriends asses if they mess with me. i don't get it. He insists on us being the best of friends. ANy input on this??????????

[Topper]

I have no idea what want wrong in your marriage or why? He may simply have found a very comfortable middle ground. He may like you even care for you But doesn't want to be married to you.

When you say he wants to kick the asses of your boyfriends, is it out of some sense of protection? I mean is it because they have hurt you? Or are you saying he gets jealous of your relationship with the boyfriends

[Trimmer]

Good questions from Topper. Also, I'd be interested to know how you feel about going out with him and the girlfriend. Is it genuinely a good time socially, or do you suffer through it to be able to be around him?

 

Just like kids who hope that their parents will get back together, I would be concerned that this might be wishful thinking. You have made yourself available to him as a sounding board, a friend to lean on, etc... I wonder if it is not in your best interest to continue in this way - are you just heading for an eventual downer if someday it becomes more clear that he isn't coming back? I would love to think that my wife (we're separated and hurtling towards a divorce) has thoughts of reconciling, but those thoughts are an obstacle to me moving on and standing on my own two feet, so it's a risky thing to hope for...

 

On the other hand, I have to imagine that having a mutually respectful and even friendly relationship between your divorced parents would have to be a good thing for a kid, as long as it isn't confusing her (does she think you might get back together?) But if he is "stringing you along" (maybe not intentionally), and you are getting confused, it might be a crushing blow that you'll eventually have to deal with - whether now or later.

 

Can you give us any more insight about the separation and divorce that led you to this situation?

[wanda1974]

I have no idea what want wrong in your marriage or why? He may simply have found a very comfortable middle ground. He may like you even care for you But doesn't want to be married to you.

When you say he wants to kick the asses of your boyfriends, is it out of some sense of protection? I mean is it because they have hurt you? Or are you saying he gets jealous of your relationship with the boyfriends

 

Topper,

When I say he wants to kick their asses, it's because one got physically violent with me, and another dated me for a year before I found out he was married. Our marriage ended from years of bull**** from him, his drug use, and his cheating on me (of which I caught him red handed 5 times). Towards the end, I cheated on him, but he didn't know until after our divorce when I admitted to it. Thru the years of **** with him, I was always a good wife and mother, and he knows this...cooking, cleaning, mowing the lawn, rehabbing out houses for resale...etc. The girl he's with now doesnt' cook, clean, nothing. She's a mother of 3, but doesn't have custody of them...kind of makes me wonder why he would want ot be with her...

[wanda1974]

Good questions from Topper. Also, I'd be interested to know how you feel about going out with him and the girlfriend. Is it genuinely a good time socially, or do you suffer through it to be able to be around him?

 

Just like kids who hope that their parents will get back together, I would be concerned that this might be wishful thinking. You have made yourself available to him as a sounding board, a friend to lean on, etc... I wonder if it is not in your best interest to continue in this way - are you just heading for an eventual downer if someday it becomes more clear that he isn't coming back? I would love to think that my wife (we're separated and hurtling towards a divorce) has thoughts of reconciling, but those thoughts are an obstacle to me moving on and standing on my own two feet, so it's a risky thing to hope for...

 

On the other hand, I have to imagine that having a mutually respectful and even friendly relationship between your divorced parents would have to be a good thing for a kid, as long as it isn't confusing her (does she think you might get back together?) But if he is "stringing you along" (maybe not intentionally), and you are getting confused, it might be a crushing blow that you'll eventually have to deal with - whether now or later.

 

Can you give us any more insight about the separation and divorce that led you to this situation?

 

It did take me a year and a half to even be able to look at this girl, to me she was a "homewrecker", but after being in 2 homewrecking situations myself, I had to let the hate go towards her. So when I am out with him and his girlfriend, I just like to observe them...just curious if she's going through all the **** I did. One thing that's killing me is that he never took me on a vacation in our 8 yr marriage...they've been together 2 yrs, and he's taken her on 4 vacations...makes me sick. His reasoning to me is that I had to be home with the baby...whatever. So, as for me hoping we get back together, NO, I don't wish for that. My daughter, on the other hand, does. I guess the reason Ii'm wondering about what he's feeling, is I want to know if he knows he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. I don't want him back, I just want him to realize how good I was to him. He had no complaints about me except when I was pregnant, he always told me how fat I was....a**h***. I wonder if this new girl gets put down the way I did.

[Topper]

Wanda don't take what i am about to say the wrong way. I want to more then a few after Divorce group sessions. I would say that almost 100% of the woman in those groups would paint herself as being the near perfect wife. Woman seem to get caught up in the idea of being "perfect" They seem to be saying why would he leave such a "perfect woman?" I think that woman get so hung up on the kids the home The community that they forget about their husbands they assume That he sees a clean house as a sign of love.

Again I am sure he had his problems if he was using drugs and drinking That's a big problem.

in my own case My wife did like clean hose her yard and garden were near perfect. She spent so much time being this Martha Stewart Image, she forget that a husband is more then the Handyman, painter, and bank account for her image of perfection.

[wanda1974]

I didn't phrase myself as perfect. I am not, never was. But, I never FORGOT about my husband, or shut him out. He was too busy with his drugs, and being out with other women, I had to use my time somehow, so I kept a clean house and took care of my daughter. I certainly didn't mean to come across as being perfect. I just know that in the relationship he has now, the only thing he could possibly say about her is that "she gives good head". It makes me feel good to know that I had a LOT more to offer than that. Ya know where I'm coming from? Why are you getting divorced? What were the causes? Do you have children?

[theJerk]

yes it is. i'm living proof. five years post divorce and i still think of her every day.

[wanda1974]

Jerk,

Are you the one who filed?

[theJerk]

We were both very unhappy so I moved out. She was very suprised,

I've always been curious as to why. We went to a counselor but, things

were so acrid in the counseling session that afterward that I asked her if she

wanted a divorce. She said she did, so I filed.

 

As far as I know, neither of us cheated or anything. We were just really

unhappy. Looking back I think we were both a little naive about the difficulties

of the whole marriage thing. I guess it's good we did not have kids.

 

I emailed her a while back that I wanted to know how she is doing. She emailed

back that she was really happy and didn't really want contact so I'm respecting

that.

 

Of course there is more to it than that but then, there always is.