What do I do that I haven't already?

[mortensorchid]

I was telling someone this story yesterday, one that I have referenced many times on this forum in the recent past. I was rejected by someone about 4 1/2-5 years ago. I had a crush on a coworker, I put a present in his office mailbox anonymously. After acquiring his phone number, and after I was no longer at the job I texted him "Want to hang out?" He texted back "I am not interested in you romantically sorry to be so blunt." I was an adult about it, I walked away, erased his number, and never spoke a word to him ever again.

 

Here it is almost 5 years later. I have been rejected by men before and since, but this particular one was very embarrassing and it somehow put a box on things. I have been under a black cloud ever since then, thinking how no one wants me. I'm also 44, I'm too old to attract anyone. I see a shrink, I am on meds, but this one just broke something inside of me.

 

What do I do besides keep moving forward? I have lost all hope.

[JuneL]

Did he know the gift was from you? Why did you send it anonymously? Tbh, that added a little creepy factor. Was he receptive when you interacted with him before the rejection?

[FMW]

Have you dug into that experience with your shrink? If it seems to you to be a pivotal event then you need to put time and effort into figuring out exactly why. Of course you felt rejected, but why was that particular rejection a turning point?

 

I've only ever talked to a counselor once, a few years ago following a few big losses in my life, but the counselor in that one session was able to help me understand why I was reacting the way I was.

 

Tell your shrink you want to explore that issue, don't just gloss over it as part of the big picture. And be open to considering what she/he may have to say.

[mortensorchid]

Did he know the gift was from you? Why did you send it anonymously? Tbh, that added a little creepy factor. Was he receptive when you interacted with him before the rejection?

 

He was but I think that was just being coworker friendly. When I revealed that it was me who put the present in his box he said I was one of his guesses as to who put it in his box, thanks for it. Creepy? Well maybe but people have been secret admirers for a long time. Once I was rejected I never sent him a present again, I wonder if he still has it. But I digress...

 

I have tried to figure it out on my own. I really lost a lot of hope after that rejection. I have been under this black cloud ever since - I am too old, I am worthless, I am nothing, no one wants me, etc. I am too old to have children, I have to accept that fact, but I am also too old to attract someone at all.

[JuneL]

Would you have been so hurt if he just gave you a gentle rejection like saying he’s really busy or giving you a short reply with a long delay or saying he’s seeing someone?

 

If he was interested, he would have reciprocated your thoughtful gift with some gesture, like taking you out to a farewell lunch at least?

Edited May 22, 2019 by JuneL

[FMW]

I am too old, I am worthless, I am nothing, no one wants me, etc. I am too old to have children, I have to accept that fact, but I am also too old to attract someone at all.

 

We've covered the age thing before. I'm 54 - I get plenty of attention and asked out on a regular basis. Maybe it's easier since I'm past child bearing years, so the criteria is limited to just enjoying each other at this point, not building a family.

 

I think you know it, but I'll say it anyway. The problem is feeling worthless and unwanted, which probably involves some level of ongoing depression. You're not perceiving things clearly, you're seeing everything through a dark curtain. If your shrink isn't helping with this then maybe it's time to look for another one who can.

 

I'm sorry you feel this way - but try to accept that your perception is off and sending you into a negative frame of mind that can be felt by others and it's keeping them at a distance. And that just convinces you that you're right and keeps you stuck.

 

I've had bouts of depressive moods over the past few years and I have to tell myself the same thing, so I'm not dogging on you.

[mark clemson]

I have tried to figure it out on my own. I really lost a lot of hope after that rejection. I have been under this black cloud ever since - I am too old, I am worthless, I am nothing, no one wants me, etc. I am too old to have children, I have to accept that fact, but I am also too old to attract someone at all.

 

 

Perhaps your inner emotions are so visible on the surface that it's scaring men off? Consider the idea of "fake it 'till you make it" - maybe discuss that idea with the therapist? Not sure if pretending/putting on a superficial appearance of being happy (or at least neutral/positive) is within your purview, but consider it.

[alphamale]

Perhaps your inner emotions are so visible on the surface that it's scaring men off? Consider the idea of "fake it 'till you make it" - maybe discuss that idea with the therapist? Not sure if pretending/putting on a superficial appearance of being happy (or at least neutral/positive) is within your purview, but consider it.

 

i'm pretty sure that mortensorchid's problem has to do with her physical appearance

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

i'm pretty sure that mortensorchid's problem has to do with her physical appearance

 

Highly unlikely. She has had plenty of men be initially interested in her.

 

I think it's probably more of a personality thing. MO, you probably should try to work on your overall "warmth" if that's possible. Based on what you shared here, you are carrying around a lot of hurt from this rejection, which likely translates to abrasiveness.....that is not attractive.

 

We all have "mental movies" from past hurts that play over and over in our heads....I can think of 5 in just the 10 seconds I stopped to think about it. One that actually left bruises on my body (although that one was not as hurtful as the mental movies that recall incidents of hurtful words). It may take therapy (it did for me), and it may not ever be resolved completely (it hasn't for me), but you have to find a way to just not let it define you, and live on.....

[Mr. Lucky]

but this one just broke something inside of me.

 

Boy mortensorchid, not sure how long you'd last in a man's body. Rejection is part of the game for us in dating and relationships.

 

I've always looked at failure as practice for success. Discouragement just become a self-fulfilling prophecy in that it limits your mojo, often assuring the next attempt is equally ineffective. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

I hope you make some progress with your therapist. Not being in the game isn't the answer...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I personally love the baseball analogy... A “star” hitter in baseball has a batting average of usually somewhere in the .300’s. That means that even the best hitters in baseball miss 6-7 hits out of 10 trips to the plate.

 

I know, you have had a lot of discouragement. I had too - things just never seemed to work out for me. But, I am living proof that it only takes one... And, I was in my late 30’s when I met the best one.

 

Try to keep your chin up. And, definitely go back to your counsellor. It takes strength to seek help, there is no shame in asking for support.

[NuevoYorko]

I get the impression from your posts that you self sabotage regularly. For example, you reach out, flirt, go on a date, somehow put yourself out there - and then immediately shut yourself off, I imagine to avoid having your feelings hurt. The present incident - maybe that hits you so hard because you remained more vulnerable. I don't know. In any case, I definitely get the impression that, soon after you initially attract a man, you get very negative, maybe even to the point of acting weird. That would be a red flag to most of us and we move on.

 

You've shared regularly here about your bitter feelings, often around your idea that men prefer "trashy" women to someone like yourself. Bitterness is a quality that sits like a cloud around a person. You might want to work on that in your therapy. Unless your "shrink" is mostly just a pill prescriber; in that case, see a "talk" one.

 

You really do post here a lot. You get much advice. You rarely acknowledge the majority of it. Then you come back with another scenario basically repeating the last one.

 

I hope this is not coming off as harsh. I really want you to break through this and find your way.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I'd go on a date with you - even if it was only us using each other - you're getting a free meal and I'm getting hopefully delightful conversation not about the weather or some other nonsense.

 

Just saying.

 

(What I'm trying to say is that you just had a guy hit on you and I've never even met you - why are you losing hope again? I don't even get hit on - trust me - you're doing much better than you think.)

[chillii]

Everyone gets rejected no one gets what they want all the time.

Admittedly that was a funny way to go about it so you were really brave and went way out on a limb even if it didn't pan out to be the the best idea, that's the gamble.

ln a way you should still feel proud of yourself, really, took a lotta guts.

But the so called rejection, not really he was just honest , it's best all round, happens to everyone.Wish l;d been that honest a few times would've saved everyone a whole lotta trouble.

 

You should dump that therapist btw shop around, pretty obvious they aren't helping much.

l do agree with co and one thing l could suggest is some warmth, it's not fake or changing who you are it's just picking yourself up a bit, like a correction.

And try not to feel and think so negatively , that stuff really shows a mile away and shuts things down in seconds.

Anyway , chin up , and forget the damn gift thing man 5yrs, who cares, we all make mistakes.

Edited May 26, 2019 by chillii

[Ruby Slippers]

I have been under a black cloud ever since then, thinking how no one wants me.

I think this is what's holding you back. Men and women date and find love at all ages.

 

A friend recently turned me on to the Emotional Freedom Technique / tapping, a method that's been very successful in helping people dissolve barriers to personal growth that have been plaguing them for decades. She's had amazing breakthroughs, and though I'm just delving into it, I see great potential as well.

 

There are lots of great videos on YouTube - just search on EFT and EFT tapping for "X" issue - confidence, romance, love, money, etc.

[thefooloftheyear]

Throw yourself down a flight of stairs? I dunno…

 

I'm kidding of course....

 

And that's the point...Until you relax and take yourself less seriously,. the black cloud lifts, and you no longer are the wet blanket will you ever get on the right path..

 

Guys, and women< cue into this and they become avoidant of you..I know its tough, because how can you be upbeat when there is so much failure or disappointment, but you gotta try or find a way to have some enjoyment and success in other venues, then perhaps this will change your outlook..

 

TFY

[Destiny Couple]

I like to think that during a time like this, that good things when we least expect them. I know it is hard at the moment been in a place like this, but when we feel like we have hit the bottom, there is only one way to go; up.

 

I'm sure you are a unique and special person yourself, I would not let others dictate this notion and move forward by concentrating on yourself, and your goals and the relationships will come in time. I was in a similar position and it's amazon how one day something can come and turn our lives around. Hang in there and good luck. Like to know your thoughts on this.