Counteracting unhealthy influence if co-parent or is it hereditary?

[norudder]

I posted about my oldest daughter before, (10 yo) about encouraging more social participation. Things have been a little more positive in that direction, lots of good advice- thank you.

 

She's been opening up more conversationally at home, but some of the things she shares has me wondering whether to be concerned or just keep an eye on.

 

Her dad has self proclaimed himself as sociopathic. Not in a criminal way. He doesn't feel things how others do, doesn't understand emotions or care much to try other than in ways it impacts him.

 

My daughter's views have become increasingly "logic" based, to the exclusion of emotion. She's said she doesn't really care what people think of her, or care much about anything. When I ask how she feels about events she says "nothing, not good or bad", every time. Is she depressed? She says no.

 

I remember a specific time last summer her dad mocked her about something and she cried, in tears when I picked her up after work, about how parents shouldn't make fun of their kids. I told her I agree, and I'm sorry that happened.

 

As it's not like this was a one time having an off day kind of thing for him, someone admittedly lacking empathy, I'm wondering if this style of his has "shut her down" as a self preservation defense since we have 50/50, if she's immitating him as a way of being similar and close/bonding to him, or if she's truly going to be somewhat sociopathic herself?

 

I try to demonstrate and teach empathy in my own home and in our time together, my youngest is probably too emotionally sensitive and needs boundaries to not be taken advantage of! My oldest I wonder if the moments, like clapping for the girl who had stage fright at the talent show, are driven by pushed down empathy or a more black and white "this is what the rules for society are" thought process.

 

And of course, the divorce guilt. Maybe split homes has traumatized her childhood. Maybe if i was there to run more interference dads impact wouldn't be as strong.

 

Anyone had a similar situation or recommendations? TYIA.

Edited May 23, 2019 by norudder
Added age

[Mr. Lucky]

And of course, the divorce guilt. Maybe split homes has traumatized her childhood. Maybe if i was there to run more interference dads impact wouldn't be as strong.

 

Anyone had a similar situation or recommendations? TYIA.

 

Too many unknowns. For instance, were you still married, interactions between you and your husband could have a different effect on both kids, either good or bad. Going down that rabbit hole benefits no one.

 

I think some of these cards are played at birth. Like you, I had 50/50 with my son and growing up he always seem more like me than my ex, with some of that influence coming from his stepmom. But as an adult with kids of his own, I do see some of my ex's detachment in him, as though he's slightly removed from the situation.

 

I think all you can do, as you've already sensed, is to provide a counter-balance. You can't control him or what happens when she's there, so your obvious focus should be on providing a loving, nurturing environment, and let her figure out things from there. Might be time to break out the Serenlty Prayer, it's a great fit for times like these...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Have you ever taken your daughter to talk with a counsellor?

 

My partner has a son and he is particularly concerned about the influence of his ex wife (who has significant issues with mental health). He does his best to counter-balance the situation by doing as Mr Lucky suggested - providing a loving, stable home and modeling certain things. But, he has also not be closed to the idea of counselling to help his son understand and learn how to deal with his mother - particularly important during the teen years.

 

Not saying you need to find a counsellor today. Just reminding you, there is support available.

[norudder]

Thanks Mr Lucky and Bailey. You're both right, going to keep on doing best I can and I've had her in counseling before. She and her sister were both going to a "team" practice, but it wasn't a good fit with the one she got paired with. Sister had a great rapport with her therapist which soured her attitude a bit more I think. I might revisit that with someone new.

[preraph]

A minimum of two things at play. One, she modeled after him, and he's a sociopath without empathy, by admission.

 

Two, being raised by a sociopath means she wasn't properly loved by him, which his a form of neglect, and that leads to lack of empathy as well.

 

A Yale study shows that children are not born "good" and must be taught empathy. They're actually little savages unless you do or they pick empathy up from the ether of school and other places. So you need to double down teaching your child to always stop and think of others, in ways such as this example.

 

Sylvia wants you to invite her to your birthday party, but you don't want to. How would you feel if someone you care about, maybe Mary, didn't invite you to her party? Just think about that for awhile.

 

Tell her to treat others how she wants to be treated and to always stop and think about what she's doing to see if it happened to her in the reverse, how would it make her feel. And watch her around animals. If she abuses them in any way, send her to a child psychologist and keep her separated from them until she's assessed and treated. She may need therapy anyway. And it's a fact that when a child needs therapy, very likely the entire family needs it because that's how she got how she is.

 

You can lose empathy from a head injury in just the right place, but I've read a lot about sociopathy and not heard of anyone inheriting a brain anomalie. It's learned behavior, it's neglect, it's not being loved by your role models. One person like you cannot always make up for a bad one!