First Post, so here goes...my introduction...

[Hurt And Broken]

Just like so many other people here - I never thought I'd find myself in a place like this. But here I am, in need of support...reaching out...

 

My wife and I are divorcing. We've been together for 18 years. When we first got married, things were great. They continued to be great for a few years, even after we both lost our jobs, lost our house, and lost our vehicle within a week of getting married. We picked up and moved on and we were able to do so because we had each other.

 

She had a son from a previous relationship and the dad was never in the picture. We later got pregnant and had a girl. It was then that I made my first mistake and had an affair. It's nothing I'm proud of, would never brag about, and regret every day. My wife did eventually find out and we worked through it. She took some of the blame, saying that it takes two for a marriage to work and two for a marriage to fail. She knew she was going through things after our daughter was born, and it was those things which played a role.

 

We were able to get things back to where they were. We were best friends and talked about everything and nothing, drinking a pot of coffee late at night, and sitting under the night sky in our front yard. Things were great again, but then in late 2011 she began getting sick. Her illness progressed and we ended up having to move in with her parents so they could help care for her while I finished my last semester of field school in undergrad.

 

She underwent surgery for thyroid cancer in 2012 and that began a chain of more medical issues. Between 2012 and 2017, she averaged one major surgery per year. Gastric sleeve, excess skin removal due to the weight gain from the thyroid issues, hysterectomy, internal adhesion removals...just to name a few. This also doesn't account for the panic attack seizures she had, the internal staph infection following the skin removal, and the recovery time from these things.

 

All of that took its toll on us as individuals, and on the marriage. After the seizures and thyroid cancer issue in 2011/12, we did what we had to do in order to maintain. Remember, we had two kids so I felt, as a dad, I had to remain the pillar of strength in their eyes. After all was said and done, we all came out of the experience with PTSD and increased anxiety.

 

Fast forward to 2019...we had our ups and downs. My wife says that I "saved her life" after everything that she was going through. She struggled, mentally, with obsessive thoughts, panic attacks, and continued seizures. Before the hysterectomy, we wanted to have more children too. We tried and tried and tried, but had no luck. She was also then diagnosed with 8 different food allergies. Eating anything for her was a challenge. As much as we used to love to go out to eat at new places, she now had a limited number of places which were safe, and only 1-2 dishes at each that she could have. She told me that if we were both single and met each other, she wouldn't want to put that burden on me, and I likely wouldn't opt in to a relationship with someone who has so many medical complications and considerations.

 

We've basically been separated for the last 2 years, nearly living as room mates. One night she came home from being out with friends and tells me that she knows that I want a divorce (I'd strongly considered it) and she knows that I'm not happy, and she's not happy. We could continue living in our routine and be tolerant of each other, or we could finally do what we should have done years ago so that we both have the chance to be happy again. Obviously, I cried. I knew she was right, but it still hurt. A LOT. We began doing research and we were at the courthouse together, filing paperwork a week later. This was back at the beginning of April.

 

She's in the process of moving out. She applied for an apartment, but in the area that we live in, her options are very limited. We don't want to move away from the school district since our daughter (who is 13) wants to stay in the school. We want her to stay in the school. Seeing my wife start to pack her things to leave, seeing boxes around the house, is painful. Seeing my bedroom and bed, a space we shared for years, now with only my pillow and a single blanket, is a hard image deal with.

 

I've fallen into a depression and my anxiety, which was already bad before, has gotten even worse. I'll be seeing my doctor tomorrow to get that dealt with. I am also in counseling to deal with everything.

 

Now, to make some matters even worse, I started seeing someone after my wife said that she was okay if I dated since we've basically been separated for so long and she's come to grips with the divorce. So...I did. But today, after my saying something because I was emotional and hurt, I was informed that she does not want a relationship with me, but we can stay friends. A difficult prospect to reduce yourself to when you've been intimate with someone and developed feelings for them. She also told me she had feelings for me. We went into the relationship too fast, I'll admit that.

 

Now, I feel like I'm going to remain single for the rest of my life. I don't feel worthy of love because not only could I keep a marriage together, but I couldn't even keep a new relationship long enough without screwing that up. I know this is an emotional reaction and its fed by my anxiety, and I know I'm probably not alone in feeling this way...but they're MY feelings and its now I'm feeling NOW. I'm sick of people telling me "you're not alone" and "you're not special there". I'm not asking to be special - I'm asking for my feelings and fears to be heard.

 

People also tell me that I need to get out with friends. My best friend lives a 4 hour drive away. My other friends who are close work hours that often keep them working 10-12 hours a day...so meeting up with them is typically impossible. They basically don't know if they'll be home at a time we planned something until they've been released from work.

 

So, there it is. Most of my story and the events of what brought me here. I'm hoping that I can find some supports...and maybe even offer support to other people as I'm able to.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read.

[FMW]

As you said, your feelings are yours and they are valid. But try and remember they aren't forever.

 

I went through ending a 23 year marriage, I fell really hard for someone else who after three years didn't even bother to tell me he was done, just ghosted me and moved on with someone else. So I've experienced some similar feelings.

 

You probably don't want to hear it, but truly the best thing for you right now is to just be single for a while - not forever - just for a while, to figure out your new "normal" and absorb all the loss and changes, process and move past those feelings of worthlessness.

 

I got out and made new friends. My thing was local live music where I felt comfortable going alone, as a woman. I can't imagine my life now without those friends.

 

You'll figure out your own thing, in time. Just try to "be" for awhile. Breathe. Feel all your feelings, but don't get stuck in wallowing in negativity. It really will get better.

[Marc878]

It mat seem like the end of the world but it's far from it.

 

Totally up to you.

 

Join a gym, take some classes on what interests you (cooking) etc

 

Learn to live alone. It'll make you independent and a more complete man.

 

Just takes time.

 

Limit as much contact with your X as possible or you'll stay wrapped up in that.

 

No friends with the X it does the same thing.

 

Good luck

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Welcome. You will find support here.

 

Two things:

 

1. You are not emotionally ready to be in another relationship. It would not be fair to the other person.

 

2. Use this forum for support while trying to branch out and find some IRL friends....not necessarily for emotional support, but just for something new/fun to keep your mind off things.

[BaileyB]

Welcome.

 

That is an awful lot for two people to go through... you have done well to get through it, but I’m sorry that you are divorcing.

 

I wouldn’t worry too much about the new relationship. You were not in a healthy place, so it was doomed to fail. Try not to internalize it too much.

 

The thing you need to do right now is be single for a while. Find a new normal with your wife and your daughter. Let things settle and focus on your mental health.

 

There is no reason to think that you will not find love and/or happiness as a single person again. It’s just going to take some time. Be kind to yourself...

[Mr. Lucky]

Great advice so far, to which I'll just add - let your child be your anchor in life. Be there for her and find joy in the little things you do together. As disorienting as this is for you, it's harder for her. Keep your mind and ears open and listen to what she has to say.

 

Better days ahead...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dandelioness]

 

.. the best thing for you right now is to just be single for a while .. to figure out your new "normal" and absorb all the loss and changes..

 

I agree with this. You're too raw to be working through another heart-ache. Depression and anxiety can be quite debilitating so recognize what you can handle before everything goes over your head.

 

It's time to make new friends. What are you into? Sports, going to the gym, cooking, etc. See if you can tap into something to meet like-minded people as FRIENDS. Develop a new social circle. How about a support group in your local area to help with anxiety/depression/etc?

 

It's honest to say you feel like you'll be alone for the rest of your life. That's really up to you though. You said you screwed up your new relationship. Figure all that out. Learn from this and move forward.

[Destiny Couple]

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

 

It sounds like you two have been through a lot, and what I would like to point out here is that you two have gone through so many huge challenges together. That is impressive, and you have a history together. You did it all together. My question is what do you think is really making you two think you can't make it work?

 

Would like to hear your thoughts

[vla1120]

Ending a marriage is never easy or pleasant (unless you're really lucky.)

 

Take this time for you. Learn to feel comfortable with yourself and being alone, not because you'll be alone forever, but because after coming out of a long term marriage, you need to reconnect with yourself and feel good in your own skin. I didn't do that after my 32-year marriage ended. I jumped right from the frying pan into the fire and married someone with whom I was not compatible. It was a huge mistake I am paying for now.

 

Everyone has given you great advice, especially Mr. Lucky (as always.) Take this time to make your child(ren) (if you are still involved with her son from another relationship) your number one priority.

 

Also, you've been through quite a lot over the past half decade or more. If you are experiencing depression or PTSD, you should definitely talk to an individual counselor. Take care of yourself.