Hanging out with female coworkers?

[JEG88]

So my two office-mates are females who are close to my age, and we work in the same function on a daily basis. We've been a team for about 7 months and work well together so far.

 

They are transplants from other parts of the country, so they don't yet have much of a social circle in the area other than their SOs. I'm native to the area and also have a GF.

 

They are always suggesting for the 3 of us to hang out, go do workouts together, have a drink after work, etc. I get it given they are newer to the area, and that part of it is inviting me to feel included. I do humor them and hang out or workout sometimes to maintain a good team dynamic, but being an introvert I don't accept most of the time. Especially considering it's odd telling my GF "hey, I'm going to hang out with 2 women my age after work having a drink."

 

I tend to socialize with guys on other teams about sports and fitness and all, but at the same time I'm noticing my immediate coworkers becoming clique-y on the job as well. Not including me on certain meetings, not copying me on emails or conference calls, etc.

 

The weird part about it is they are in good with my boss as well, so if I were to bring this up I could see it making things weirder.

 

Any advice on how I can approach this to protect my job as well as maintaining an acceptable team dynamic?

[alphamale]

stop hanging out with co-workers outside of the office. trust me on this...no good comes of this

[JEG88]

stop hanging out with co-workers outside of the office. trust me on this...no good comes of this

 

Oh I know, and I'm very conscious of it all and how it may come off.

 

The problem is that socializing outside of office hours is heavily emphasized in our company culture: potlucks, happy hours, company activities, etc.

 

And I like working at the company. So I have to find some kind of balance to "maintain" but not get entirely sucked into co-mingling my work and social life.

[Mr. Lucky]

S Especially considering it's odd telling my GF "hey, I'm going to hang out with 2 women my age after work having a drink."

 

Any reason your GF couldn't or wouldn't join you for these hangouts?

 

I have female friends - but not from work. Mixing those two circles has too many potential complications ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JEG88]

Any reason your GF couldn't or wouldn't join you for these hangouts?

 

I have female friends - but not from work. Mixing those two circles has too many potential complications ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Circumstance pretty much. Her work day ends later than mine, especially if she has to take overtime. She also works about 60 miles away from my office. I've invited her many times, but the commute and driving time for her to join is a killer since we're in a heavy metro area.

 

The boundaries I have maintained are that I only agree to a hang out on a weekday, never on a weekend, and in the vicinity of the office. I feel those two things would open a whole other can of worms.

 

My main thing is still how I can pull away from that hang-out dynamic, without becoming a social pariah in the office through their gossip or whatnot.

[d0nnivain]

Carve out an hour once per week to hang out with them. It is good for team dynamics. Stop thinking about the fact that they are women; they are only co-workers.

 

If the happy hour runs late, invite your GF to show up. Let her get to know these other women & possibly be friends with them.

[Lotsgoingon]

I've hung out with success and fun with lots of coworkers, female coworkers.

 

Definitely if you feel yourself getting too close, then bring in your GF.

 

But for an introvert, sounds like once every two weeks or once a month is what you feel comfortable with ... I wouldn't get pulled into doing this several times a week. You'll suffer that introvert's social exhaustion. I might meet them for lunch at work more frequently, but after work, not so much.

[JEG88]

I might meet them for lunch at work more frequently, but after work, not so much.

 

This has been what I focused on recently, and it's worked pretty well.

 

Still spend time with them during lunch "outside of talking about work" for the sake of team dynamics, but have cut back significantly on before- or after-work hangouts.

 

Definitely has helped reduce the social energy I need to expend at work at the expense of energy for my actual job.

[guest569]

Any advice on how I can approach this to protect my job as well as maintaining an acceptable team dynamic?

 

Im not sure that I understand. Why is your job at risk?

 

I think you've already got some decent boundaries there and it's fine that you're not accepting every invite. And it's still important to show up now and then. But you have to have that balance so you're not spending 24/7 with colleagues.

 

I don't understand the big deal about their gender. Are you concerned that people are gossiping? And the fact that you mention you have a girlfriend. Is there a vibe, do you fancy them?

[central]

If you want to socialize with them, discuss it with your gf and see how she feels about it. If it bothers her at all, then it's probably best to keep the interactions at work, and work-related. Or introduce them to some of your other friends who may not have gf or coworker issues.

[Thegameoflife]

So my two office-mates are females who are close to my age, and we work in the same function on a daily basis. We've been a team for about 7 months and work well together so far.

 

They are transplants from other parts of the country, so they don't yet have much of a social circle in the area other than their SOs. I'm native to the area and also have a GF.

 

They are always suggesting for the 3 of us to hang out, go do workouts together, have a drink after work, etc. I get it given they are newer to the area, and that part of it is inviting me to feel included. I do humor them and hang out or workout sometimes to maintain a good team dynamic, but being an introvert I don't accept most of the time. Especially considering it's odd telling my GF "hey, I'm going to hang out with 2 women my age after work having a drink."

 

I tend to socialize with guys on other teams about sports and fitness and all, but at the same time I'm noticing my immediate coworkers becoming clique-y on the job as well. Not including me on certain meetings, not copying me on emails or conference calls, etc.

 

The weird part about it is they are in good with my boss as well, so if I were to bring this up I could see it making things weirder.

 

Any advice on how I can approach this to protect my job as well as maintaining an acceptable team dynamic?

 

What I'm reading is: How do I be part of the social group, without really being part of the social group?

 

When I was in school, I would ditch as many days in the year as possible before I faced repercussions. At the end of the day, if you want to still be considered part of the group, you need to show up enough to be included. If you pay attention, you'll figure out exactly how many days, and when a day shouldn't be missed; like a celebration drink.

[mortensorchid]

stop hanging out with co-workers outside of the office. trust me on this...no good comes of this

 

I agree 100%. Coworkers are not friends. It's easy to think that coworkers are friends because you spend more time with them than you will with anyone else. Be nice, not too nice. Don't share a lot of things about yourself with them or what you do outside of work, either other jobs or for fun. People can and will take things and use them against you, and you will never escape. And don't do social networking with them either, same thing. Humans are social creatures and we crave companionship in a variety of situations because we're isolated and lonely people, but don't find this with a coworker. If coworkers ever ask you to join them for lunch or anything outside of the office, plead a previous engagement or having a lot of work to do you have to get to. And NEVER drink with a coworker. I've been abused in the worst ways possible by coworkers and know to be introverted with them and keep things all business.

Edited June 14, 2019 by mortensorchid
Adding more to this thought

[alphamale]

And NEVER drink with a coworke

 

that's the truth sister

[basil67]

Hubby has had a large amount of friends from work over the years, both male and female. No bad has ever come from it but there's been lots of fun nights out and the networking is awesome. The current job he has is courtesy of an old workmate. Actually, that same workmate was also instrumental in setting us up

[dispatch3d]

I would not enjoy going out for drinks with two female coworkers all the time, especially if I had a gf. For me lines blurr way too easy to make that a good idea.

[OatsAndHall]

I can relate; I'm a teacher and hanging out with the rest of the staff past school hours and building solid relationships is damn-near considered mandatory by some administrators. I don't like it and try to avoid it whenever I can. Inevitably, there's always some gossipy, unprofessional crap that goes on and I don't want to be tied in with it. At my last school, many staff members got together on Thursday nights at a local bar, hung out and I was always invited. I would make an appearance for an hour or so, once or twice per month, and then head home. I was still kind of a social pariah as I never went often and was always the first to leave but it appeased the powers that be.

 

 

You situation is a bit different though as we're talking about two female co-workers. That makes things a little bit touchier and can open up the doors to some issues. In the situation I described above, I wouldn't show up to the Thursday night shindigs if I was going to be the only male. There were just too many things that could go badly, especially if there's alcohol involved.

 

 

 

So, I would suggest that, if you're worried about your job security, you meet up with them once or twice per month (weekdays only), keep things short and sweet and then get home. Talk things over with your SO and stop meeting up with your co-workers if it bothers her. It shouldn't be if you explain that you feel obligated to go out and you limit your time with these co-workers. But, regardless, throw in the towel with the co-workers if your gf takes issue with it at all.