Random thoughts on Singleness

[central]

I have a number of these older women in my meetup group and I know many of them well. As a group they also tend to be unhappy and lonely, especially if they don't have offspring.

 

Three of my dearest female friends have never been married and have no children. They enjoy a relationship when one comes their way, but don't seek them out. They have full and happy lives with careers, hobbies, travel. Of course, they also have me as a non-demanding friend (one calls me her pseudo-boyfriend lol) with whom they can go to wine tastings, cuddle and watch movies, or go out to dinner or dancing. A couple of us have even traveled together, with or without my wife. And it gives my wife a break to hang out with her other female friends and do something without me occasionally - or we all get together and do something.

[Inflikted]

On one hand, I can very much accept the fact that it makes no sense for me to attempt to be with another person due to my life situation. No reasonable woman that's worth having around would accept me for who I am, and that's totally fair, and I completely respect that.

 

On the other hand, it bothers me that it feels like the power to date is basically completely out of my hands. Well, I guess I can't entirely say that, because technically, I have the "power" to better my life, I just can't figure out how to do so. It's frustrating to know that, though I'm already 30, I can't even start trying to date for at least another 3-5 years at minimum, perhaps longer if I can't figure my stuff out. I just hate that notion of knowing it'll be several years before I can even start, and even that is if everything goes well.

[hotpotato]

Singledom has been a great relief for me. I don't have drama in my life, aside from work stuff. I feel very creative. I get to spend a lot more time writing. I can go to a coffee shop and chill there for hours on end.

 

I'm not sure if women hold the power in relationships. I never did, and I never had a bunch of suitors. For awhile I did have guys who wanted to date me but were significantly older. I figured out why, but now I'm older and I've been through tough times.

 

I've been dumped Every time I dated. I was the one who wanted to work through things. I got tired of feeling like it was my fault. After all, I could look past their faults which were sometimes quite major.

[chillii]

l dunno where women hold the power comes from , maybe from guys that just can't get gf's dunno, load of bs though and once again just read through any forum like this one.

Not saying guys hold the power, like women sometimes they do sometimes they don't sometimes it's 50 50 or a bit either way whatever.

But l'm 50s and have had to choose a few times now since divorce , is that the power they're talking about, l dunno.

look at it this way , if you want someone but they're 50 50, then l guess they hold something, if they want you but your 50 50, then you hold something, what goes round comes round, everyone has their moment.

But whatever, so called power has no place in any real relationship or marriage.

[guy45]

Holding the power may imply someone in the relationship is not getting what they want, in which case the relationship is pretty much doomed.

[Mysterio]

Ok Chilli. Who has the power in the following situation?

 

Couple A. Got together in 2013. Still together now. 2 bio kids together. When they hit together the woman was separated. She is still not divorced and the ex husband. Who has his own live in Girl friend. The man. DT can’t do anything about it until the ex plays ball with DT’s fiancé C. C’s ex is the one that broke them up and n the first place. C for some reason does not want to really lawyer up and C and the ex have two teens together.

 

Couple B met on line. T the man had to travel 14 hrs to her town, and change his work cycle one a month to see her. So they could spend 6 days a month together. There was no change on her part at all. The have a kid together now and T moved to be with her.

 

That’s a lot of power the women have over the men don’t you think. No way would the women do that for their men if the situation was reversed.

[Mysterio]

All I want and can give is interesting conversation and laughs. I would like the lady and I to explore mutual social and recreational activities. We have physical affection between us. We are also flexible and give each other space.

 

I think that’s easy. Obviously personal temperaments would factor in. I am not saying everything has to perfect.

[Lotsgoingon]

.....That’s a lot of power the women have over the men don’t you think. No way would the women do that for their men if the situation was reversed.

 

Actually no, that's not representative of a lot of power in the hands of women. Surely, you're aware that the vast majority of time--until very very recently--wives would move at a moment's notice (they were often expected to) once a husband got transferred in his job. Talk to older women about this ... there was a ton of "We're going to Chicago," by the man ... going on.

 

It's only very recently that men have agreed to move to be with their professional wives ... but I don't see the man as disempowered ... The man in these situations is 100x more empowered than women throughout the 20th century ... who often put careers aside to help their husbands ...

Edited July 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[chillii]

....That’s a lot of power the women have over the men don’t you think. No way would the women do that for their men if the situation was reversed.

 

 

Seems lopsided on the surface yeah, but every couples different, no one outside knows what really goes on and all circumstances

But as l said earlier my situations, never had an issue with women not doing whatever myself or fairness.

These things are all about the quality of person and relationship you tangle yourself up with.

Edited July 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[chillii]

.....That’s a lot of power the women have over the men don’t you think. No way would the women do that for their men if the situation was reversed.

 

 

Yeah seems to be pretty lopsided there mostly.

But every couples different, and no one outside knows what really goes on.

But as l said earlier my situations, never had an issue with women not doing whatever myself or fairness.

These things are all about the quality of person and relationship you tangle yourself up with and two peoples situations.

Edited July 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[OatsAndHall]

IMO, it's all relative to the individual(s). A friend and I had a discussion on this topic the other day. He's happily married but asks me about my dating life consistently. I've told him on many occasions that, yes, I do date, but it isn't a huge priority in my life. I'd like to meet someone that I click with but I'm still perfectly content being single.

 

 

 

He just doesn't understand this and is under the firm opinion that my life would be so much more fulfilling if I was in a relationship. He can't wrap his head around enjoying being single and I believe it's due to the fact that he's in a good marriage. He'll back off a bit when I remind him how miserable his first marriage was and how much happier he was after they divorced. I toss out this line; "Dude, would you rather be single or in a relationship that doesn't click?"

 

 

 

He's one of many friends I have that are in good marriages/relationships and I'm happy for them. They've found their "one and only" and they're building quality lives for themselves. But, I have other friends who are honestly only married or in relationships because they hate the thought of being alone.

 

 

 

One friend has been married for 13 years now, has two kids and complains about his marriage constantly. According to him, his wife doesn't work full time, doesn't cook or clean, drops the kids off at daycare when she's not at work, etc..etc... Many of us have asked him why he's still married if it's that bad and his response is always the same; "We have a life and kids together." Alright, great, then don't complain about your marriage.

[chillii]

Yeah seems to be,,,,

 

ooops. ... anyway yeah , it's a diverse and individual as things oats is saying , people are different , couples are different , good is good even better is better , but shyt is really sad way to live and couples , people, attitudes , come on all kinds of levels.

 

 

Couples l know that have stood the test of time , 25 30 yrs , they all seem to have a really close and devoted work together type thing going. you can see that kind of thing in a good couple.

Edited July 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Osho]

My personal experiences with being single has always been that when I’m chasing to find someone it always elides me. Or I end up with something I don’t want. Kind of like forcing a plant to grow.

 

When I just stay focused on things I can control it usually finds me. Or I should say she finds me.

[hotpotato]

I get a lot more attention from guys. I'm no longer in denial-i was a butterbody. I do enjoy the different life I have now. More guys ask me out now that I don't want to date.

 

Guys in the past complained that I'm not a great conversationalist. I embraced my quietness and am slowly getting back into creative writing. I journal a lot, too. I take classes and am getting back into old hobbies.

 

I read that single people experience fewer negative emotions. That's true for me. Sometimes I have aggravation, but it's not like what I went through when I was dating.

[Mysterio]

For me searching for love is stress and thinking about it as well. All the things I have to do to find love is a chore. If a woman is into me. Its not like I am putting her through the wringer.

 

I dress well and can talk and I don't force things like heavy duty physical affection from the get-go. I am breaking my anti Online searching for love rule. I am joining Match.com and focusing on meeting two women that I am browsing and seeing if it goes well. Just meeting. Nothing heavy duty than that.

 

At the end of the day. All I would expect is a woman and I both romantically engaged with each other with Interesting Conversations and Laughs. Doing Shared Social and Recreational activities. Physical affection with Respect and support and flexibility and space. Some variation of that. Not some high octane adventure, not some going through the motions as well.

 

I do intermittent fasting. I am losing weight. It's been steady, but not super hard or easy. Steady is the way to go.

[Mysterio]

Breaking down what I want.

 

Interesting Conversations and Laughs. I want that relationship where we can always talk about what's going on in our lives and how it changes our perspective. I always want to be able to laugh with each other and tease each other. So it lowers any agitation we may come across from each other as life can't always be roses and sunshine.

 

Social and Recreational activities. I love interacting with my social environment. I am not a homebody 99 % of the time. I actually feel depressed If I lounge around my Condo and watch movies.

 

Physical Affection makes me happy. I love to give and receive it. I don't need sex every day. A Hug/Kiss would be great. A make-out session as well. Sex. I could do with 2 times a week when we are both up for it.

 

Space and Flexibility. I would want my lady to have her own space and not have us both attached to the hip. I am not that guy at all. Flexible means to me. Working around my work cycle and hers. Planning time to spend together and apart as well.

 

Respect and Support. If that is not in our world. There is no need to be together in any capacity.

 

As I see myself heading into my 50's in the next 2 yrs. I see the woman and I as a solid couple. I am a Black male age 48. People think I look like I am in my Late 20s to early 30's.

 

The woman will be white because those women are in my social environment. My music tastes lean towards Rock and Roll/Metal and Jazz and anytime I go to those venues. I am surrounded by more white people. She will be younger than me and there is a 50/50 chance we will have one bio child between us and we stay married till we pass away in our 90's.

 

I am basically a late bloomer. The tied will turn. I can't see myself single for the rest of my life. It does not make sense to me. If I can lose weight and it be steady. I can have a romantic relationship that more or less works for me and her. I don't think that I am that demanding. Unless the woman wants to get live together/get married/have kids right away. I don't even think I want to jump into bed right away as well or at least a month. Then again when it comes to physical affection I am weak with that sort of thing. I have walked away from FWB before. So we will see what she brings to the table whenever I meet her.

[Rayce]

I agree searching for love is so stressful.

 

I just want to meet a guy that I click with and want to bang... we can then go :bunny::bunny: together off into the sunset. lol...

 

Is that too much to ask for?

[Mysterio]

I wanted to add another with being single for a long time. Some things I don't get. I have a friend that was with his Wife for 29 yrs. They separated and he had a new GF for 1.5 yrs and now they broke up. For him. You would think that having a year break would be great. He only had 6 months off.

 

The desire to couple up is really a strong thing for some of us. Just like having kids as well. For me. Having kids is a low priority. I have no major desire to have a child. My Ex DD. She has always had a great desire for it and now had to have a child through invitro to bring her daughter into the world.

 

For me with Singleness. I have the ultimate freedom and can call the shots. Yet I feel like being coupled up is what I really desire. I read so many thoughts and feelings from posters distraught over their singleness and the bottom line is that it just has not happened for them yet. I do think that some people would be better off as singles. If you have no desire to give or receive companionship and physical affection. Then being Single is a great status to be.

 

For me. If I could override the desire for romantic companionship and physical affection. Then being single would be the way to go. My ex DD could not override her desire to have a child. So had her child without a father. I think our desires are natural. Its just getting them met is tricky. Seeing a Hooker or having a FWB will not work. My single female friend JC is not going to be into a FWB. She has to have a BF. She is not into me that way. So us being a couple will not work. For me JC has the looks, but personality wise. We would not come together as being a couple in my head. I can't see her being the loving devoted Gf that greats me with affection. I will get that from another woman that is into me.

 

I sometimes wish that we humans had a switch that we could turn off and on when the right person comes along. The switch for me in desiring a woman in a Romantic Long term relationship has been turned on for a long time now. So I might as well see it through. I don't expect heavy duty sex and all that I want every day. Just some variation throughout the week. Going back to what I was saying about Hookers. I can't see a hooker because I need a connection beyond meeting a woman an hour before. I want to make love to a woman that knows that Led Zeppelin and James Brown are my favourite music artists. Or that Red/7 are my fave colour and number. I love Cheeseburgers and milkshakes. Quirky stuff about me. I also would love it if she desires affection from me.

 

I am at an age where I can clearly see a bit better on what works and what does not work. I need to be with a woman that desires me and those women, are the ones that will pop up and tell me. Going after random women does not work. So for me its more of a waiting game, if I want it to go my way. Although in the next week or so. I am going back to Match.com to see if this is the case and reach out to a couple of women, whom I have browed thier profile.

[Mysterio]

I agree searching for love is so stressful.

 

I just want to meet a guy that I click with and want to bang... we can then go :bunny::bunny: together off into the sunset. lol...

 

Is that too much to ask for?

 

Its not too much to ask for. I think in our day and age. There is too many choices. Our Grandparents and some of our parents had it easier.

 

I have noticed that my male friends that are attached. The woman is more the driving force in getting them together. My male friends are happy for the most part. My female friends are partnered up. They sort of have a little gripe here or there about their men.

 

I wish it was easy and it sort of should be. Perhaps we need to have a little more faith in the universe. The singleness is not tortured. It's the craving of physical affection in a loving Long term way that's hard to override. This is coming from someone that has mostly been single for the most part of his life.

[chillii]

Ahh right sorry l never realized through your threads there's been that much singleness .

Shame mysterio , you seem to be a cut above most with your ideals about relationships like you'd make a great partner.

Just wondering, have you got any idea why things have just gone the way they have ?

Did you bury yourself into some career or business for 20 years or something , or maybe just never come across the right girl , or ?

[Mysterio]

I have not met the right woman as of yet.

[Rayce]

Good work putting yourself out there and coming up with a list but honestly I have tried all of those and it didn't work for me... I will keep trying them though cause you never know.

[Inflikted]

I always wish I had made better choices in my 20s. I really put myself into a position where being single as a 30 year old guy now feels insurmountable. I'm no longer in a place in my life where I'm meeting people, and even if I stumbled onto someone, I lack the experience and the social skills to be able to make it work. In a way, I feel like I've doomed myself to this life by not having made more of an effort to have a more enriched and well-rounded life in my 20s.

 

What makes the situation even harder is that, over the last year or so, I made the first two friends I ever had, and they happen to be a couple who have been together for a few years, now. While I know no relationships are "perfect", they have a really nice thing going with each other. Heck, it's the kind of relationship I always hoped that I'd be in some day. It's heartwarming and inspiring, but at the same time, it's tough to constantly see my friends having the life I wish I could have.

 

Further, I think I might go as far to say that I love my friends (platonically, of course). Minus the intimacy and physical affection, I feel about my friends the way I envisioned feeling about my future partner. I can't even imagine liking someone "more" than my friends.

 

I've been in a weird place, lately, because there's been a lot of good happening in my life over the last several months, and because of it, I suddenly find myself wanting more. I've been obsessing over my lack of "love life" for a couple weeks, now, at least. And it's creating a lot of frustration for me.

[spiritedaway2003]

I don't know if I'm just weird. My take on being single is simple:

 

I'm fine with being single. I'd still rather be single than to be in a relationship full of drama. I'm not intentionally staying single. If I meet the right person (which that connection), then I think being in a relationship with that special someone is blissful.

 

In other words, I'm not bothered by my singleness to be concerned about the relationship status. Until my latest mistake (which I'm recovering from), I'm comfortable with who I am and what I've got to offer when the right person comes along. If he comes along.

 

I know a big part is that I haven't really put myself out there enough to meet more people, so that's something I'll need to work on.

[Rayce]

The worst part of being single is having no one to talk too about things and not having anyone to bounce ideas off of. Most of my conversations are totally random and center around whatever activity I am at. I can't even remember the last time I had a deep serious conversation with someone. I miss that.