Separating soon

[confused1109]

Here's the backstory

My spouse has had many emotional affairs/caught flirting over the course of our 17 year marriage. At least 4 of those escalated to a physical affair, I am not so sure that some of the others didn't as well I just have no proof. I found out last summer that he has added a lot of girls on snapchat since I last checked it and at least 2 of them he had been flirting incessantly with.

 

He's always been very manipulative with me and able to control me to get me to do what he wants, would use anything he could to put me down in front of family and friends, talk about how pretty other girls were to family and friends in front of me, basically just try to make me feel as worthless as possible.

 

I confronted him about all of the affairs and flirting back in Sept and told him I wanted a separation, we decided to wait till after the holidays and then I started having a lot of anxiety problems, parents sick, other life stress so it's just been a holding period for the last few months.

 

We've finally decided to separate in June.

 

Our sex life has been non existent for months but he still gets in the shower and tries to rub on me and I push him away but every time he comes in and tries again, sometimes ends up getting himself off in front of me. If I lock the bathroom door he gets mad and says I could've just said I didn't want him in there but i've tried that and it works once or twice and then he's right back at it. He's been emailing me all week with stuff we need for the apt, schedules for when we have the kids, it's like he's going along with all of it but then last night comes in the shower again and gives me weird, pathetic, puppy dog eyes the rest of the night when he's not on his phone.

 

I feel like him going along with this apt thing was him trying to manipulate me and see if I would get scared and decide to stay. I don't even know what my question is at this point, I just needed to vent and say that I feel violated and manipulated. I'm not an assertive person, I don't like conflict, I want this separation, but I am worried about the kids (boy 14 and girl 10) as we don't fight in front of them. That is my biggest hold up, but I also know that seeing us live like this isn't a good representation of marriage for them either.

 

Some advice on how to make the separation happen and be as easy as possible on the kids would be appreciated.

[stillafool]

If you two are going to separate you do so by deciding who is responsible for what and when. Who cares what he thinks at this point? If he is going along with you getting an apartment be glad he isn't putting up a fight. That's less stress on you. Also if you don't want him to come in the shower when you're in there always make sure to LOCK the bathroom door so he can't get in whether he likes it or not. Of course he's going to try to have sex when he wants it because he happens to be horny at that moment and you're around so he goes for it. I don't understand what you are confused about, please explain.

[PegNosePete]

Have you seen a lawyer? You should definitely see a lawyer before doing anything!

 

Even if you don't want to do anything right now, you should get professional legal advice. Many do a free initial consultation and you should take advantage of this as much as possible. See 3 or 4 at least and get a good understanding of how the law works in your jurisdiction.

 

When you see the lawyers, don't waste your free time by discussing emotional stuff or reasons for the divorce or how he treats you. Just discuss the practicalities such as finances, living arrangements and kids.

[lifeofapirate]

A 17 year marriage is certainly worth taking a long, careful look at before ending, but I'm unsure if you are interested in saving it or not based on his behavior over the course of your marriage. He has certainly not been the model husband and even now, with a divorce looming, he seems out of touch with you and the true seriousness of the situation.

 

I get it either way. If you are interested in trying to save your marriage, I want to say that trusting him will be difficult going forward. I'm certainly not saying you shouldn't try and if you want to stop your divorce then I would still suggest making sure you have legal representation. That can often slow things down so that you both have time to really consider the pros and cons and so that there is time to possibly rekindle your love. People can change, though his behavior is usually going to be something that he will struggle with or at least lean toward in the future.

 

But it really sounds to me like he isn't fully aware of the consequences or what is really going on. It's the proverbial wanting to have his cake and eat it too.

 

I wish you the best going forward no matter what you choose.

[Mr. Lucky]

My spouse has had many emotional affairs/caught flirting over the course of our 17 year marriage. At least 4 of those escalated to a physical affair, I am not so sure that some of the others didn't as well I just have no proof.

 

I'm trying to understand your timeline. Did you find out about the affairs as they were occurring over the course of 17 years?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

A 17 year marriage is certainly worth taking a long, careful look at before ending...

 

I don’t know, her husband has had four affairs that she is aware of over the course of the marriage, is there really that much to think about? He is a serial cheater. His behaviour could best be described as rude and disrespectful... At worst, it could be described as emotionally abusive.

 

Personally, I would say that he is a selfish and entitled man who has no respect for you. I would say that he has been abusive. I find it difficult to think that your children are not very aware that their father is a selfish man who does not treat their mother with the respect that she deserves... You can chose to stay if you want but it’s kind of hard to rebuild a marriage when your husband is texting and flirting with several other women... I personally, would be planning my escape...

Edited May 24, 2019 by BaileyB

[FMW]

I had plenty of reasons to divorce after 17 years - unfortunately I waited another 6 to finally pull the plug. It sounds like you are done, and for good reason, so don't bother wasting more time.

 

Go see an attorney and make a list of everything that will need to be decided (asset division, child custody, etc.). It's easier to go into the discussion with your husband when you have a good handle on what you want and what you might have to compromise on. That should help lower the emotional temperature, at least for you, when you have the serious discussion with your husband.

 

I'm sure others here have good advice on how to handle telling the children.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm sure others here have good advice on how to handle telling the children.

 

OP, kids aren’t dumb and at that age more perceptive than you think. Also, living inside the same four walls, only so much you can hide. Don’t insult their intelligence, emotionally or intellectually.

 

They’ll mostly want to know how this will affect them. Be honest and unafraid to say “I don’t know” if that’s the case.

 

Best of luck moving forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

OP, kids aren’t dumb and at that age more perceptive than you think. Also, living inside the same four walls, only so much you can hide. Don’t insult their intelligence, emotionally or intellectually.

 

Exactly. If you think you are doing them a favor by staying in an emotionally abusive marriage with a man who is constantly focused elsewhere, you are probably sadly mistaken...

[vla1120]

Show absolutely no emotion toward him. Lock the bathroom door and don’t engage with him or show any reaction when he gets angry about it. I stayed for 32 years and it had serious consequences for my daughters (29 and 35 year old daughters have never had a healthy relationship and have no prospects on the horizon.) As others have said, kids are very intuitive. They realize more than you know. Consult the lawyer. Start keeping a journal to remind yourself how manipulative he can be (and with someone like him, having an attorney is especially important!) Seek IC to learn how to respond to the manipulative behavior. Set very strong boundaries with him. Take some time to concentrate on yourself and your children. Hopefully you have a support system close to you. You can also continue to post out here for support. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.

[Dandelioness]

My spouse has had many affairs

 

He's very manipulative and able to control me

 

[He] would use anything to put me down in front of family and friends

 

Our sex life has been non existent for months

 

[He] gets in the shower and tries to rub on me and I push him away but every time he comes in and tries again

 

If I lock the door he gets mad

 

I feel violated and manipulated. I'm not an assertive person

 

You have valid reasons to feel violated and manipulated. What's holding you back most is your lack of assertiveness. In this situation, your children will be happier to see their mom happier and out of this abusive relationship.

 

Don't give him the power. Speak very little. Don't justify yourself or your actions. You don't need to.

[confused1109]

I'm trying to understand your timeline. Did you find out about the affairs as they were occurring over the course of 17 years?

 

Mr. Lucky

I found out about most of the flirting and texting as they were occurring, one of the physical affairs I found out about as it was occurring the others were brought to light when I finally said something to my sister last year (the affair was 5 years ago and at the time he begged me not to talk to family or friends about it so I didn't). Apparently he had told my brother in law and so my sister already knew, but he had also told my BIL about another affair 9 years ago, and my sister had found emails on an old computer of his about another affair 12 years ago, when I confronted him about those he fessed up to another one that happened before that.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not an assertive person, I don't like conflict

 

Well, in light of his activity, you've found out the dangers of a passive approach. The lack of consequences seems to have enabled him to act out more and there doesn't seem to be a period in your marriage when he wasn't also involved with someone else.

 

When a "flirty, texting" spouse cheats on you, he's shown you pretty clearly who he is. Hopefully, that strengthens your resolve to put yourself in better place and make the choices you need to move forward. Be up front with your kids about what you're doing, though not necessarily why ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

He's having sex with you against your consent. Dump this guy. I think you'll have a happier life. I wouldn't be able to live with that kind of disrespect and humiliation. Honestly he sounds disgusting. But you need to probably get a attorney, let a judge or attorney hammer out the details and then make him stick with them. Otherwise he's just going to do what he wants when he wants just like he's doing now and take advantage of you. so get it legal on paper whatever arrangement with the kids and that sort of thing and the money. Don't be afraid. This is going to lift the giant weight from your shoulders.

[confused1109]

Thank you all for the clarity. Sometimes it helps to put into words what is going on, then read it back and realize just how ridiculous it sounds. Also having all the support and advice here helps to see things more clearly. I know what needs to happen and am working towards put it into action.

[chryssy83]

Totally not on the same level, but when my cheater husband and I separated but were still living in the same house, he would walk in the bathroom when I was showering or come lay in bed with me in the morning to talk sometimes. No sexual stuff but I felt violated by it. I’ve come to realize that people like them have issues with boundaries and they like having multiple relationships. They like attention even if it’s negative attention. I understand why you are confused—his behavior is contradictory and he doesn’t abide by basic social norms. After what I can only assume is years of manipulation you probably tend to question yourself way before you consider asserting yourself. That’s all to be expected for someone in your situation. That does not mean it’s okay.

 

I am not yet divorced and I’m only 7 months out from separation (about a year out from discovery of an affair although I suspected before that). Things are likely to get worse for you before they get better but I will say that I have caught glimpses of a life that isn’t characterized by lies and BS and it’s gonna be amazing. You will be fine, your kids will be fine. This is hard, but as one of my friends says to me—- you’re gonna look back and realize the end of this marriage is far from the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.

 

Best of luck to you, don’t move out until you consult with an attorney. Focus on self care and caring for your kids as you get through this season.

[confused1109]

Chryssy83 thank you so much! That is exactly how I am feeling. He will walk by and touch my back and although innocent enough it makes me feel so violated. He is so contradictory, one day he says he will stop trying to have sex and the next he sending me text about how he wants me and then trying to kiss me. He's manipulated me so much over the years I question everything I do and say before I do it.

 

I am ready to catch those glimpses and see how good it really can be. Thank you for reminding me we all will be ok.

[confused1109]

Well we told the parents this weekend and starting moving stuff to the apt. He seems so eager to get it all set up yet still says he's not. I offered to wait another week to tell the parents because it was Father's day weekend but he wanted to go ahead. Yet after getting back from telling them he goes right to touching my back and making comments about wanting sex. I don't get it, how he can be so seemingly ready to do this but then want sex and say he doesn't want to lose me. So many mixed signals and words that I can't keep it all straight. This is how our entire marriage has been, say one thing do/act another.

 

I'm a wreck after telling the parents, they were shocked because we've never told them of any problems or let them see any, he would never let me talk to anyone about any of the cheating so I held it all in till I just burst last fall and spilled it all to my sister and best friend (come to find out he had told my BIL about 2 of the affairs and made comments about wanting sex with other girls a lot to him so they already knew a lot). I feel like I have failed and disappointed the parents. We still only told them that we've been having problems for a couple of years and have tried everything but just can't make it work. They don't understand and I get that because this is all new to them.

 

We're telling the kids this week, I'm a wreck, moments of second thoughts, just live like this forever but I know that's not healthy either.

[Mr. Lucky]

We still only told them that we've been having problems for a couple of years and have tried everything but just can't make it work. They don't understand and I get that because this is all new to them.

 

Nobody, family included, is owed any more detail about your marital issues than you are comfortable giving. Beyond that, with kids involved, you'll still be co-parenting with their father, so that interface should be your sole focus.

 

Unfortunately, since some family members know more detail, you might have to be prepared for some "leakage". Old Chinese proverb - 3 people can keep a secret as long as 2 of them are dead.

 

moments of second thoughts, just live like this forever but I know that's not healthy either.

 

Not only not healthy, probably not possible. The emotional price of continued dysfunction is steeper than most are willing to pay. You'll be a better person, parent and friend from a healthier place...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

The kids will probably get an attitude but they will be okay. Don't tell them adult things. Just assure them that they will still see plenty of both of you.

 

Tell him to get his hands off of you. This man has no boundaries. you need to tell him no or he's still going to try to come around for sex. And don't start ever letting him drop by unexpectedly or any of that. I don't trust him not to sexually assault you further.

[confused1109]

Mr. Lucky you are right, they are only owed what we want them to know. We are a very close family, spend a lot of time together on weekends, my mom and mother in law trade off watching the kids so we see a lot of everyone. That is what makes it so hard. But still that doesn't entitle them to more info than we are willing to share. We are going to co-parent very closely and share 50-50 custody so we still have to amicable.

[confused1109]

preraph, the kids will be ok, albiet some attitude is to be expected.

 

No, he doesn't know boundaries at all. I seriously think he thinks I am just supposed to stick around for the sex and if that's all there was to our relationship he would be just fine with that.

[stillafool]

Thank God that it's almost over and he will be out soon. If you don't feel comfortable letting your parents know the true reason for the upcoming divorce then don't tell them. But, if you need support and want them to know that it isn't your fault that you were married to a cheater I'm sure they will understand and wouldn't want you living a miserable life. Don't be afraid to confide in your family as they are there to support you.