Broke NC after a death and feel horrible

[bluesunflower]

Hey guys, I just really need to vent because I feel like I am so bottled up and about to lose it.

My ex and I were NC for one month, and I was doing alright. I wasn’t great by any means, but I was doing so much better than I thought I would be.

Then I had a family member pass. Out of nowhere, I craved to talk to my ex. It became unbearable. I pushed it down for three days and finally reached out. I told him my family member died, who he has spent time with, and I got a standard sorry for your loss response. After this, I sent a paragraph venting, hoping stupidly we could have a heart to heart like we used to. No response.

I waited another three days, trying so so so hard not to contact him. I’d hide my phone, distract myself, do anything to push it down. It was pathetic.

Then I reached out again, after witnessing a complete breakdown from a relative and feeling shaken up and desiring his support. I sent a lengthy message, mostly referencing the many deaths he has had to process at a young age and asking what got him through it and also praising that he’s still here today through all of his tragedy in his family (young deaths, suicide, illness, etc.)

No response. I waited until the very end of the day and I sent an apology text, citing that i didn’t mean to overstep and I would stop contacting him now. I still have not heard from him.

The good news is, at least for a while, I won’t have the urge to contact him as I feel absolutely humiliated and I want to hold onto the little dignity I have left.

I’m just kinda here to vent, I’m really disappointed in myself as I was doing so well. I’m just frustrated it got harder as time went on and with tragedy. Hopefully I can put this behind me soon.

[FMW]

It happens, don't beat yourself up.

 

But if you do get tempted to reach out again remember this experience, that when you were at a low point and feeling vulnerable he had no desire to be there for you. This doesn't make him a horrible guy, but it shows you clearly he is NOT the guy for YOU.

 

I know the first month seems like forever, but it's nothing. Give yourself more time and things WILL get better.

[d0nnivain]

I'm really sorry for your loss.

 

Death effects people differently. You went to a former source of comfort but his callous behavior caused you more pain. I see his lack of a response as more evidence that you should be apart because he's not a compassionate person.

 

Find another outlet for your grief. Get some grief counseling if you really need to get out your feelings over your loved one's passing. Lean on good friends & family but let this EX go.

[The Outlaw]

Don't. You were in pain and just wanted to reach out to someone that you knew understood you. Whether we like it or not, everyone one of us needs that support. Very few of us if any can do it alone.

[bluesunflower]

It happens, don't beat yourself up.

 

But if you do get tempted to reach out again remember this experience, that when you were at a low point and feeling vulnerable he had no desire to be there for you. This doesn't make him a horrible guy, but it shows you clearly he is NOT the guy for YOU.

 

I know the first month seems like forever, but it's nothing. Give yourself more time and things WILL get better.

 

I definitely agree with your point about reminding myself of this experience in the future. It has really changed a lot for me. Through our off/on relationship, it was never solid, he always said really hurtful things to me, we broke up constantly, but we never have gotten this low. This shows me the relationship, and more specifically the friendship with it, is completely finished. Even in our worst moments, even if we were broken up for a few weeks and not speaking, if I reached out like I did this time, I would have gotten a response and an offer to help. We always went back to saying that at the end of the day, we wanted to keep our strong friendship because we always felt a tight bond. So this is just a wake up call that I need to move on from this idea of keeping this relationship/friendship with this person who wants nothing to do with me. Thank you so much for your response. I am struggling immensely right now, but I am in therapy now and working on myself, which I had neglected for the entirety of this relationship.

[Turning point]

You went to a former source of comfort but his callous behavior caused you more pain. I see his lack of a response as more evidence that you should be apart because he's not a compassionate person.

 

There's no evidence to support this negative characterization of the other person.

 

No Contact is a hostile state of being, at best a form of personal protection. We don't know who imposed this or why.

 

What we do know is that after a lengthy period of withholding the OP reached out based solely on personal NEED.

 

Regardless of who was behind the NC decision, the imbalance speaks for itself. The other party was kind enough not to react beyond offering sympathy, and maintain what had been a purposeful state of being.

[bluesunflower]

I'm really sorry for your loss.

 

Death effects people differently. You went to a former source of comfort but his callous behavior caused you more pain. I see his lack of a response as more evidence that you should be apart because he's not a compassionate person.

 

Find another outlet for your grief. Get some grief counseling if you really need to get out your feelings over your loved one's passing. Lean on good friends & family but let this EX go.

 

Thank you so much. I started going to a counselor a month ago when the breakup happened and it has been helping. I do have a few good friends, but most of them are my ex's friends (I've talked a lot about this on other threads on here because it has just made everything so much messier) and I have found that I really need to expand my friend group. I'm not sure where to start but I really do need to just start over and meet some new people and try new things because I am very unhappy where I am in life right now.

 

I agree with you that it really shows my ex's lack of compassion, and to be honest, it's been a huge shock. Maybe it shouldn't be, as he was genuinely an emotionally abusive person (and I do not use that lightly) but I'm used to him always being there in some way if I needed it, so it's a big switch.

[bluesunflower]

Don't. You were in pain and just wanted to reach out to someone that you knew understood you. Whether we like it or not, everyone one of us needs that support. Very few of us if any can do it alone.

 

Thank you, I really appreciate your response. It's been so hard.

[bluesunflower]

There's no evidence to support this negative characterization of the other person.

 

No Contact is a hostile state of being, at best a form of personal protection. We don't know who imposed this or why.

 

What we do know is that after a lengthy period of withholding the OP reached out based solely on personal NEED.

 

Regardless of who was behind the NC decision, the imbalance speaks for itself. The other party was kind enough not to react beyond offering sympathy, and maintain what had been a purposeful state of being.

 

We never decided on NC, as in we never had a conversation outlining it or anything. After we broke up, I didn't hear from him and I wanted to try my best going NC as I know it is the best way to go. So on his end, he just didn't want to talk and I wanted to do what was healthiest for my mental state.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by "maintaining a purposeful state of being" in regards to not responding to a text.

 

I would take no response over a harsh one, which I think would have been the case if he did respond as he has sent a lot of nasty texts to me and would explain it later as him not wanting to talk. So, if he doesn't want to talk, the better option is definitely to stay silent so I will agree with you. It doesn't change the hurt that I feel. It's never smart to break NC but I felt so broken and not myself after this death and seeing it affect my family that I went to the person who has provided me the most comfort in the past. I'm not saying breaking NC was right, but I felt like I was stripped away back to basics and I only genuinely knew him for immediate comfort. It was scary and awful and trust me, I wish I didn't feel the need to reach out to him either. It would have saved me all this.

Edited May 25, 2019 by bluesunflower

[BC1980]

Experience is a good teacher. After a breakup, you have to learn how to live life without your ex. If the breakup is fresh, it's a natural reaction to want to turn to an ex when something happens because that used to be a source of comfort. It's also a reminder that you are broken up. A lot of people want to reach out on birthdays and holidays too. I bet almost everyone has done this and had to learn from experience. Don't beat yourself up, but learn from it.

[bluesunflower]

Experience is a good teacher. After a breakup, you have to learn how to live life without your ex. If the breakup is fresh, it's a natural reaction to want to turn to an ex when something happens because that used to be a source of comfort. It's also a reminder that you are broken up. A lot of people want to reach out on birthdays and holidays too. I bet almost everyone has done this and had to learn from experience. Don't beat yourself up, but learn from it.

 

Thank you. I really do feel like this has shaped my future experiences with him or (god forbid) any future exes. It has just really opened my eyes.

[nolanola]

Don't beat yourself up. It is really hard to go from being very close to someone to basically having to cut them out of your life (which is what NC is). I think it's perfectly natural you would want to reach out to him because he was your source of support for so long. I completely understand.

 

Take a screenshot of your post that you started the thread with and keep it where you can see it (on your phone maybe?). Re-read it when you feel the urge to get back in touch with him. I know you probably don't want to think about him in a negative light but maybe this will help you to pull him off a pedestal. For me, the easiest way to not hurt about my ex is to repetitively come back to his negative qualities and the things he did that hurt me. Because when I think of that stuff, I don't even want him. Every time I start to think of something good about him, I go back to my mental list (and I have it written down in my phone for reference!). It helps.

 

It will get better with time, I promise. I think almost everyone has fallen off the NC wagon a time or two. With my previous ex, I fell off so many times and humiliated myself several times. One time, I drove by his house (you know, to see if he was out on a date) and as I was leaving his neighborhood I decided to stop for gas. As I was leaving the gas station, who should pull in except my ex. He totally saw me and I had no reason to be in his neighborhood other than to be at his house. I wasn't sure if he saw me, but I was so anxious about it I sent him a weird text and he was like "what is wrong with you". I actually thought I would die of embarrassment. But you know what? Eventually I got up the gumption to go NC and stopped stalking him. I stopped driving by his house and texting him. Now it's been almost 10 years and I am so over him. You'll get there and you will move on from this.