Had a break up over something I did. Is she over reacting?

[spiderowl]

You have learned that fondling a woman when she is asleep and not in a position to give consent is a bad idea. That is one thing.

 

This woman is very mixed up. She also has a violent side. I do not know whether she has been abused or not, but I am sure every child who was abused does not grow up to have a violent side.

 

I think she just has too many issues for you to hope for anything resembling a normal relationship with this woman. I would not be surprised if she was all over you one minute and then rejecting the next. She probably has no idea what a normal relationship would be like. If you like drama and rejection, then carry on trying to get back with her. If you want a lasting relationship that is not full of crises, look elsewhere.

 

It seems to me that you accepted some things while 'lovemaking' that not everyone would be comfortable with. You need to ask yourself about whether you really do prefer rough sex to 'vanilla' sex. This is relevant because if she likes the same kind of thing as you, then she will be more attractive to you than many other women. Ask yourself what is drawing you to this woman and is it healthy for you?

[basil67]

That has shown me that the touching thing wasn’t a big deal after all and she blew it way out of proportion. We got past it and she still finds a reason to dump me

 

This woman is a hot mess and you should stay away.

 

But touching a woman when she's asleep after she's already told you not to do it is a huge deal and definitely a breach of consent. If you can't get your head around consent, you're going to find yourself in all kinds of hot water in future. At best, dumped. At worst, with her taking action against you...it probably wouldn't go anywhere for lack of evidence, but do you really want to find yourself in that position?

[preraph]

It was also wrong to ask her for sex after you'd agreed to be just friends. That's kind of creepy. Just because she has a hard time saying no due to past abuse doesn't mean she's cool with it.

 

Now that she's moved out, she can maybe find herself.

[MrWobblyTickle]

This woman is a hot mess and you should stay away.

 

But touching a woman when she's asleep after she's already told you not to do it is a huge deal and definitely a breach of consent. If you can't get your head around consent, you're going to find yourself in all kinds of hot water in future. At best, dumped. At worst, with her taking action against you...it probably wouldn't go anywhere for lack of evidence, but do you really want to find yourself in that position?

 

She never told me not to do it. It never came up until 3 days after it happened. We spoke about it and she admitted she over reacted. I can get my head around consent absolutely but in this case the bounderies were not set or clear. It was definitely an excuse to end things. She found another way out even after we sorted it saying she was gay again. The only time she said not to do it was afterwards when we spoke about it and I didn’t do it again.

[MrWobblyTickle]

It was also wrong to ask her for sex after you'd agreed to be just friends. That's kind of creepy. Just because she has a hard time saying no due to past abuse doesn't mean she's cool with it.

 

Now that she's moved out, she can maybe find herself.

 

Yeah I agree it wasn’t cool but it was a spur of the moment thing and it didn’t last long. We spoke afterwards and she said she didn’t mind at all and it hasn’t come up since I last spoke to her. We still talk now and get on.

 

The thing is in this whole thing I am definitely the one who has been taken advantage of. She even admitted she missed me and was just feeling horny. She is getting on with life and I have been left a broken mess but I am starting to sort myself out.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, please, don't go back for more with women like this in the future.

 

We warned you that this wasn't going to end well. I realize the heart is a tricky beast to convince, but you must do a better job of paying attention to the red flags from here on out.

 

If you don't, you will wind up in similar situations many times in your life.

[Highndry]

Time for @Downtown to make an appearance. OP, you should read about BPD. This woman sounds like a textbook example.

 

And all of these women up in arms over the "fondling" make me absolutely sick. When you're naked in bed with a woman, having already screwed her in every way imaginable, reaching over and caressing her to try to initiate another go 'round is far from a sexual assault. You know how many times in my life I've woken up to a woman grabbing my junk, wanting more?

 

I don't blame young men and the MGTOW movement. This is precisely why it's happening.

Edited July 20, 2019 by Highndry

[basil67]

She never told me not to do it. It never came up until 3 days after it happened. We spoke about it and she admitted she over reacted. I can get my head around consent absolutely but in this case the bounderies were not set or clear.

 

No, you're not getting your head around consent. If boundaries are unclear, then assume non consent. If she was really, truly OK with it, she woudn't have had an 'overreaction' to start with.

[elaine567]

Consent is easy, sleeping women cannot ever give consent as they are asleep...

[MrWobblyTickle]

Time for @Downtown to make an appearance. OP, you should read about BPD. This woman sounds like a textbook example.

 

And all of these women up in arms over the "fondling" make me absolutely sick. When you're naked in bed with a woman, having already screwed her in every way imaginable, reaching over and caressing her to try to initiate another go 'round is far from a sexual assault. You know how many times in my life I've woken up to a woman grabbing my junk, wanting more?

 

I don't blame young men and the MGTOW movement. This is precisely why it's happening.

 

This is exactly what I needed to hear thank you. It is funny that you mention BPD because over the last few days I have been reading up on it. I mentioned to a friend about how this girl has Hirsutism (dark hair on her chin, breasts, stomach, buttocks etc) and they said oh she probably has Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I looked that up and she has the symptoms for that. She is quite male like in her ways as well. The way she walks and talks about women.

The way she conducts herself etc.

 

Then I found an article that says there is a link between PCOS and BPD. I know I cannot diagnose but there is strong evidence she has BPD. After researching it I noticed quite a few traits she has that would link this all to BPD. They are:

 

Her relationships seem to be on and off. She was with a girl for 4 years before me but she said that was on and off. Me and her are on and off. She saw a girl after she dumped me the first time and that lasted a month or so she said. She can also be child like in her interactions. She wanted to pinky swear with me when we broke up the last time that we would remain friends. She was giggling while we were breaking up as well and seemed very happy after we agreed just friends. She has a lot of cuddly toys in her bed and her belongings are quite child like. She also goes all quiet and shy if something is wrong. She seemed to value me a lot and then just chucked me away out of nowhere over text. When I tried to say goodbye for good she went all apologetic and that made me feel bad. She also said she slept around after breaking up with her ex the second time. They broke up 3 or 4 times. She is also terrible with her money and always in the minus. Also the self harming and suicidal thoughts. She once told me if she didnÂ’t have her drawing she would be self harming instead. Said she would be dead if it wasnÂ’t for her friends. She has told me she has anxiety and depression.

 

IÂ’ve also noticed she lies a fair amount. For example. When I saw her on POF she said she was on there cancelling a subscription. Also told me she could show me the bank transfers to prove it. I knew it was a lie because the account was new and didnÂ’t have the gold star that upgraded members have. She later admitted it was a lie and she was looking for someone to talk too. I did say to her she could of told me to go away and mind my own business but she said she didnÂ’t as she realised she was about to lose me for good.

 

We are friends at the moment but I have to contact her first. I am always the one to suggest hanging out as well. If I do suggest it she can take ages to get back to me. This feels like it is done as a control thing.

 

Also thank you for your comment on the “Fondling”. I totally agree. Even she said she over reacted to it. Another potential BPD sign. The over reaction. Also due to the sex we were having I never thought it would of been an issue. She said it was the worst thing I could of ever done to her but she got back with me a third time and slept with me after so yeah it can’t of been that bad.

 

I hope @Downtown makes an appearence soon.

[MrWobblyTickle]

I think it may also be worth mentioning she only ever wants to talk about stuff she likes or her day. We are staying in contact but this feels one sided. Friends have warned me that even though she said we won’t ever get back together she may start flirting again in the future. Also weirdly enough if I ask her a question such as “how are you?” She won’t acknowledge it or answer it. Seems to have a very avoidant behaviour.

 

The other thing I don’t get is if she is only into women then why bother with me in the first place saying she is Pansexual and requesting rough sex. None of this adds up tbh.

 

Also I read some of @Downtown posts and they are very interesting.