One year later.

[FMW]

Happy Lemming is right, moving may not be a complete cure but will certainly remove the random run-ins or ability to show up where she thinks he might be (if OP does that). It also removes the triggers of memories connected to places and even other people.

 

I think Elaine is right as well, that holding on and wallowing (because OP is clearly doing that) might very well be her way of keeping her "connection" to him alive. I've experienced that myself, even though I work really hard on moving on and getting past heartbreak, I've felt the odd emptiness that can come with being willing to let go. (And in reference to the comment about the "haters", my heartbreak happened in the last year or so, so it's an every day reality, not just a memory for me.)

 

I'm not sure what's going to make the difference for you OP, but it makes me sad that you are wasting so much time in your young life hung up on this.

[Maddie82]

Op had no relationship with this guy. They had nothing but a one night stand, that's it. She was obsessed with him and quite frankly a year later and still acting like she lost a life long relationship is utterly rediculous. She needs therapy.

[Madd_hatter]

I’m guess most of the people posting here have never experienced love un reciprocated. It’s really not fair to say that I shouldn’t be so hung up on a guy who I have never been with. Who gets to decide that? So I should just snap out of it because someone said “Maddie, you’ve never even been with me!”?

 

I am trying my best. I’m not leaving my job, friends and family just to avoid seeing him. I will eventually get over this, but it’s not fair for anyone to belittle my feelings. Even if they aren’t “real” they hurt pretty badly.

[FMW]

Of course you have a right to your feelings and they are real. But unless you want to continue feeling like this you have to actively work on getting better and yes, snap yourself out of it when you feel like wallowing. Of course you'll have down days, but they shouldn't define this situation for you.

 

Posters are generally very empathetic, but after a time (sixteen months in this case) frustration sets in when the OP doesn't seem to have made much if any progress. Empathizing with your surrender to misery isn't something most of us are going to see as being helpful for you at this point.

 

I see the source of my heartache on a weekly basis, with the woman who "replaced" me, because I choose to not let him drive me away from my places and my people, so I understand where you're coming from. But I've also accepted that makes it harder for me and is prolonging my recovery. So I'm not surprised when I have down moments, hours, even days. But I refuse to stay stuck there so I keep pushing through. That's what I am encouraging you to do.

[preraph]

I’m guess most of the people posting here have never experienced love un reciprocated. .

 

I would bet that at least 80 percent of the people on here have experienced unrequited love. That's why they're so frustrated at you choosing to waste your life like this.

[Amethyst68]

I’m guess most of the people posting here have never experienced love un reciprocated. It’s really not fair to say that I shouldn’t be so hung up on a guy who I have never been with. Who gets to decide that?

 

I think the majority of people here and everywhere else has suffered from unrequited love. IMO the problem is you don't believe it's unrequited! I continually get the sense that you feel he's in love with you and just got married because it was expected or forced by outside forces. I think you don't want to move on because you think he's suddenly going to come to his senses and come running to you...

[Beachead]

To MH's defense,

 

let her express herself freely without judgement. I notice that a lot of people on here forget that not everyone wants advice or seeks solutions. Sometimes people just want to vent. They just want someone to hear them out and let them know, they're understood. People come on here because they're afraid of being judged for how they really feel about their situation in real life..or maybe they just don't have anyone to talk to about it. So this place, is pretty damn important. It might even be a last resort for some. MH has received a lot of great advice from all us but she'll accept it and get passed this in her own time when she is ready. Not when we expect her to be. If anyone is frustrated by her inability to move on, try to remember she's not forcing you to be here. If you're frustrated with her inability to move on, it's because you're expecting her to follow your advice and to get over it when you demand it. You expect her to perform to your expectations..when it's not about you. Don't project frustrations. Cool off, bounce to a new thread and offer that much needed wisdom to someone who can benefit from it.

 

With that being said, MH, there's not much anyone else can do except listen. You won't be able to snap your feelings away. You can't unthink it. The only way to heal through it is to drive forward by living. So live.

 

- Beach

Edited September 21, 2019 by Beachead

[preraph]

She doesn't have to read it if she doesn't want feedback.

[Madd_hatter]

Everything beach said!!

 

I know there’s not much else to be done. I’m not chasing him. He’s blocked everywhere. He is not in my life as a friend anymore or anything else.

 

I may slip up, and when I say slip up, I just mean the feelings have rushed back in for a minute, but I have not acted on them in any way.

 

It’s good to vent. I don’t talk about this with anyone in person so when I feel sad, lonely, or just miss him, I come here.

[nospam99]

MH, do you think you might be 'in limerence' with this man? I never heard of the idea until someone mentioned it in a thread here on LS. I had a woman (known to people who've read lots of my posts as Natalie) who I think I was in limerence with for about a year and a half. It took a combination of time and some 'things said' between us for me to 'move on'. But when that happened it was like throwing a switch.

[stillafool]

I think there is a thread on LS just for "venting" and you vent without getting responses. MH you may want to start using that thread if you want to vent without comments.

[Madd_hatter]

Hey guy.. hope you’re all having a good day so far.

 

I am not. I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop thinking about that night outside of the restaurant where we talked. I can’t control my feelings since then. It scares me because I can make progress and think I’m doing great. But one look, one word, one smile, and I’m complete jelly. No back bone at all.

 

Please don’t think I’m not taking anyone’s advice.. I am. I can’t control how my heart feels.

 

I can’t move away. My life is here. My work, my friends, my family. All these things are my whole life. Moving away.. starting a new life, completely alone, it scares the living daylights out of me.

 

I have a good job, good friends, a good apartment. I can’t give up all those things. I’ve worked too hard to get where I am. I’ve earned everything I have. With the help and support of the people who love me, I’m not running away to some place where I’d have to start all over again and this time alone.

 

I’m not trying to sound mean. I don’t want to give up all the things I care for. I’ve already lost the man that I thought I’d spend my life with. I can’t take any more loss.

 

I love my home. I don’t want to leave.

[Maddie82]

You didn't 'loose' him because you never had him to begin with. I get that you don't want to give up everything you have and you shouldn't have to. But continuing to mourn over losing this guy isn't helping.

Edited September 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[Amethyst68]

I’ve already lost the man that I thought I’d spend my life with. I can’t take any more loss.

 

I don't mean to be harsh but what made you think that way? You were never a couple and when he had sex with you he was in a relationship with the woman who is now his wife. You were aware aware of this when you slept with him that one time.

 

I really don't mean to keep shovelling on top of you but what there says happy ever after?

[Happy Lemming]

I can’t move away. My life is here.

 

How about a compromise...

 

When it comes time to renew your lease, move to the next town over. Are there any communities 30-45 minutes away?? I mean you could still commute to work, but you'd have new "stomping grounds".

 

New Church, new grocery store, new movie theater, new pub/watering hole, etc.

 

Are there any cities/towns down the road a bit??

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I’ve already lost the man that I thought I’d spend my life with.

 

MH, you need to get MAD at this guy. He USED you for one last fling before marrying the women HE wants to spend his life with. He's a jerk!! He used you and threw you away!

[HiCrunchy]

I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

It's hard for people to understand this intense feeling for someone.

They might minimize your experience by bringing up you only had a 1-night stand or similarly, in my case the short relationship I had.

 

I've done the no contact, the moving, blocking for a guy I dated for a short while. A lot of people couldn't understand how I could feel so strongly about him for more than 2 years now.

 

After doing all of the above, my flame has calmed now to ember.

If my guy came back, I have a feeling it would ignite it.

 

I am not going to tell you will move on like other people do, losing feelings for their ex...but I can promise you there will come a day when you are stronger and won't think about him every day.

 

Take care of yourself honey

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It's hard for people to understand this intense feeling for someone.

 

We have ALL been there. But she was wronged. This "man" does not deserve to be on the pedestal on which she has placed him. He's not a good person.

[HiCrunchy]

We have ALL been there. But she was wronged. This "man" does not deserve to be on the pedestal on which she has placed him. He's not a good person.

 

I disagree.

 

So many people stop loving someone and "move on" after not talking to them for a few months.

Only know of 3 people besides me that have been in love with 1 person after a break up for more than 1 year, all on love shack. We are unique. We cant just move one everyone else that just get someone "better" and fall in love again in by going no contact for a few months.

 

Not to mention minimizing our pain that happens because it wasnt long enough of a relationship or it was a hook up, u never dated....

 

Not everyone can understand.

Edited September 27, 2019 by HiCrunchy

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So many people stop loving someone and "move on" after not talking to them for a few months.

Only know of 3 people besides me that have been in love with 1 person after a break up for more than 1 year, all on love shack. We are unique.

 

Fair enough. I think you're right.

 

(But I still think she should be mad at him )

Edited September 27, 2019 by CautiouslyOptimistic

[Rayce]

I am with HiCrunchy… look into moving to just another town. I think you need a distraction... something that will take up your time and make you concentrate on something else. I know its hard right now but eventually you will find the strength to get pass it.

 

Wishing you peace MH

[elaine567]

Rejection is often the trigger for falling out of love.

"I love him, he doesn't love me"

Most people take a practical view.

This is a waste of my time, this is futile, this is something I need to get far away from as it will sap my energy and damage my self esteem.

It is destructive to my very being.

How can I ever be happy hankering after a man who doesn't want me?

I can't be happy in that situation so I need to fix it.

I need to fall out of love for my own sanity and to give me a chance to find happiness elsewhere.

 

Most recognise the harm they will do to themselves and so "move on".

Getting stuck on unrequited love, may be very romantic and the stuff of fairy tales, but we live in the real world...

[Maddie82]

We have ALL been there. But she was wronged. This "man" does not deserve to be on the pedestal on which she has placed him. He's not a good person.

 

The thing is, the OP sees it as something that it isn't. She's see's it as loosing the biggest love affair of her life when it was just simply a one night stand. He was already engaged to someone too. She meant absolutely nothing to him, yet she wallows day in day out about a guy who barely knows she exists.

[nospam99]

OP did not respond to my question. But, to me, this has limerence written all over it (been there, done that). What I've read AND what I've experienced is that it lasts as long as it lasts (average being 18 months to three years https://www.huffpost.com/entry/limerence_b_1627089). Having been through it, my best suggestion is that OP date. Date for fun at first. (Is it not easy for attractive (1!) young (2!!) women (3!!!) to find guys who will ask them out?) Hopefully (and most likely) she will meet one or more guys other than her limerent object who she will develop romantic feelings towards.

[elaine567]

To be fair to the OP, he was the childhood friend she hero worshipped for years, hoping he would choose her. Apart from a few kisses "in the heat of the moment" they never dated and he made it clear he did not want to be in a relationship with her

Nevertheless, she was on the sidelines waiting for the pay off.

He would eventually choose her... of course he would...

But he it seems had a different idea and got married to someone else, so the OP is heart broken.

10 years of love, all for nothing...

It is not easy, but she does need to give up on him now.

He is gone, the dream is over, onto the next dream...

Onwards and upwards...