One year later.

[Maddie82]

I don't think she has any intention of stopping this constant wallowing though. Nothing has changed in a year.

[HiCrunchy]

OP did not respond to my question. But, to me, this has limerence written all over it (been there, done that). What I've read AND what I've experienced is that it lasts as long as it lasts (average being 18 months to three years https://www.huffpost.com/entry/limerence_b_1627089). Having been through it, my best suggestion is that OP date. Date for fun at first. (Is it not easy for attractive (1!) young (2!!) women (3!!!) to find guys who will ask them out?) Hopefully (and most likely) she will meet one or more guys other than her limerent object who she will develop romantic feelings towards.

 

This explains more of the lines of what op, I and others r experiencing right now!

Others dont understand how intense these loving feelings r. It's not ur normal heartbreak. Its loving somone intensely and unconditionally, even without having love returned.

 

Op, no matter how crazy it looks to other people that you and I (and a few members on loveshack) cant move on for more than 1 year even in no contact, dont let it hurt ur feelings. We r just experiencing something completely different to most heart break so most advice although helpful doesnt work as well as traditionally loving someone.

 

OP I know it's hard, but ur battle will be a little harder than the standard break up advice.

 

I have been getting better, too. We r in this together, eventually we will get through it.

Edited September 27, 2019 by HiCrunchy

[LoverOfDance]

HiCrunchy, you have no idea how wrong you are. This world is a BIG place and MANY people experience worse than you are experiencing. No matter how bad you have it, there is always someone somewhere that is going through worse.

 

I was stuck on someone I never dated for 6 years. A lot of people understand what it is like to have deep and intense feelings.

 

Op, I haven’t said anything to you for a while now because it is actually pointless to say anything. We have all said everything that could possibly be said. Right now, we are all just repeating ourselves.

 

Op, your mind is not ready to move on. There is nothing anyone can do for you. You will have to suffer through this until you finally get that epiphany that will help you move on. It really sucks and I wish so badly that I could help you.

 

I promise you, the ONLY way to get over this man is to STOP seeing him. Don’t check up on him online. Avoid places where you think he might be. Literally erase him from your life completely. This strategy is not called avoidance like some might think, it is called DETACHMENT. If you do this for a few years, you will start to feel like yourself again. Your feelings may never completely go away but you will finally start to see things much clearly. You will see that you don’t really want or need this man in your life.

 

Your problem is that you are not ready to move on. If one day, you find yourself finally desperate to move on from this man, adopt the detachment strategy. I wish you all best and I wish you peace of mind.

[HiCrunchy]

HiCrunchy, you have no idea how wrong you are. This world is a BIG place and MANY people experience worse than you are experiencing. No matter how bad you have it, there is always someone somewhere that is going through worse.

 

I was stuck on someone I never dated for 6 years. A lot of people understand what it is like to have deep and intense feelings.

 

I never said worse, just unique. Of course people have it worse. But....yeah that's what I meant on the whole "minimizing of feelings". A clear example of it.

 

I said unique because standard breakup advice of just go no contact and in a few months u will fall out of love doesnt work in cases like mine or OPs. That's standard procedure for most break ups. And for most breakups that works

[LoverOfDance]

Crunchy, I am certainly not minimizing your feelings. I am trying to say that it is not as unique or as rare as you think.

 

I am also trying to say that there are ppl who even experience worse. If they can survive and come out of their hardships stronger, you can too.

[Rayce]

It about validation of feelings... MH is hurting and is seeking comfort. We all process things at our own speed. I call it tolerance.. so what if it takes one person an hour, day or week and me 5 years...

 

Hope your feeling better today MH...

 

wishing you lots of peace

[Beachead]

Took me 4 years to let go of one ex. 2 years to let go of another and 2 more to let go of my recent.

 

Tried to be "friends" with the first which extended the process. With the second, I didn't want friendship but wouldn't take her off of Whatsapp, so she breadcrumbed me and played on my hope, constantly reopening those wounds. With the last one, I forced myself into NC within 2 weeks post-breakup and did everything I was supposed to do, but still took 2 years to heal.

 

I can say this, I needed to go through all of it to learn what I know today. Sometimes, you can't take a person's word for it. Sometimes, you have to do it your way, make your mistakes and suffer the process, so that you can come out wiser BUT if you're going to do that..then make sure you own your responsibility in the you will go through and forgive yourself for putting yourself through it. When you do that, you remain open-minded to learn from the process.

 

If a person is able to do that, they only come out of this, only ever gaining.

Edited September 28, 2019 by Beachead

[Maddie82]

Took me 4 years to let go of one ex. 2 years to let go of another and 2 more to let go of my recent .

 

This guy is not an ex. They never dated. They just had a one night stand.

[stillafool]

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/limerence_b_1627089). Having been through it, my best suggestion is that OP date. Date for fun at first. (Is it not easy for attractive (1!) young (2!!) women (3!!!) to find guys who will ask them out?) Hopefully (and most likely) she will meet one or more guys other than her limerent object who she will develop romantic feelings towards.

 

She's already tried dating but it didn't work. She'd rather be with the man who doesn't want her. I don't know OP's age as to whether she is young or not.

[Beachead]

This guy is not an ex. They never dated. They just had a one night stand.

 

I'm just sharing my healing timelines with everyone to show how long the process can be if you make mistakes, don't have the tools, or have simply done all the right things but are at the mercy of time.

 

A relationship is not a requirement to be heartbroken over a person. You can be heartbroken over friends, family and certainly people you've caught feelings for, where nothing came from it. All you need is a connection and some history with a person. She met him as a kid and they grew up together. She probably liked him since then. That's over a decade of creating a fantasy of hope and expectation with him, which was completely shattered by his choosing another woman and eventually marrying her.

 

A person can certainly take a long time to accept this if they've immersed themselves into that fantasy long enough. They wouldn't know any other reality but that bullsh*t they've lived in. Habits and certain trains of thought that have been established over a long period of time can be difficult to break and reverse. Possible..but difficult.

Edited September 29, 2019 by Beachead

[elaine567]

She's already tried dating but it didn't work. She'd rather be with the man who doesn't want her. I don't know OP's age as to whether she is young or not.

 

She is 23/24.

[Happy Lemming]

She met him as a kid and they grew up together.

 

Which afforded him many years and many opportunities to develop a relationship with her, he did not.

 

At any point (past 12-13 years old), he could have asked her to be his little girlfriend. They could have dated in high school and beyond, if he wanted her to be his girlfriend, which he did not!! The writing was on the wall, she was a friend and nothing more.

 

It is quite clear that this guy wanted to "sow one more row of wild oats" before getting engaged to his present girlfriend, that is all.

 

There was never anything more between them, other than a childhood friendship, then a one night stand.

[Madd_hatter]

Ok I did something majorly dumb. So irresponsible. So embarrassing. I made myself look like a complete stalker and an obsessed moron.

 

I was looking at someone’s Instagram profile (someone I should not have been checking out), and I liked a picture from a year and a half ago!!!!! It was a picture of this person alone! I unliked it as soon as I saw what I did but I’m pretty sure he’ll still get the notification.

 

I’m so embarrassed, I have no idea how to cover this. I’m almost 100% sure he saw it. There’s no way he didn’t. I even had a friend do the same to me to see if the notification still comes up and sure enough, it does. Even when she unliked it instantly, I still got the notification of her name, and which pic it was.

 

I’m so absolutely mortified, I can’t believe my stupidity. How the hell do I recover from this??!!!???!

 

I am beyond freaking out, beyond panic mode! I feel physically ill.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If this is the guy you're still hooked on, I'm sure he knows you're still hooked on him, so I wouldn't worry about it so much.

 

This has happened to me before (I was on the receiving end of the like/unlike) and I just shrug and chalk it up to human nature. Everyone who is on social media does this from time to time.

[Madd_hatter]

If this is the guy you're still hooked on, I'm sure he knows you're still hooked on him, so I wouldn't worry about it so much.

 

This has happened to me before (I was on the receiving end of the like/unlike) and I just shrug and chalk it up to human nature. Everyone who is on social media does this from time to time.

 

It is the same guy

 

I know he knows but it’s still super embarrassing.

 

I haven’t checked any of his social media for months. I don’t know what got into me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It is the same guy

 

I know he knows but it’s still super embarrassing.

 

I haven’t checked any of his social media for months. I don’t know what got into me.

 

I wouldn't worry about it. All you did was just give him an (UNDESERVED) ego boost. I don't think it makes you look like a stalker.

[Beachead]

@Happy Lemming

 

I know that but after a year of everyone talking to her about things, it's more than obvious she isn't ready to move on yet for whatever reason. She's simply looking to be understood right now. That's all. We've all said what needed to be said and there's nothing more to say. She has to experience it now; what holding onto someone like him, for the better part of her 20's will do to her life. She's got to suffer a more and eventually grow tired enough to want to stop on her own. Nobody can explain this or teach this to her. She doesn't have any prior experience to help her make sense of the advice she's receiving. Anything we tell her she'd have to therefore accept blindly..and right now, our words and explanations are just not good enough.

 

Until then, it's best to just listen and gently nudge her in the direction she should be thinking in, whenever she comes back here.

Edited September 29, 2019 by Beachead

[preraph]

Your goal should be to stop doing that and to stop caring what he thinks. It's sad you're still focused on this. I really think you need to find another therapist if you didn't like the first one. I know you are hoping he contacts you now and that's why you did it, whether consciously or subconsciously. So now you're back to flirting with a married guy. That's not alright.

[lana-banana]

It happens. A few months after we started dating, my husband's ex accidentally liked a photo of mine from years ago. Within minutes she'd locked down and changed her entire profile to remove all identifying information but I already knew who she was; I'd seen her profile before.

 

I know it's hard to believe but this is not a "major crisis". This isn't even a big deal. If this guy wasn't sure you weren't over him, he is now. He might've mentioned it to his wife or friends, if he cared at all. There's nothing you can do about it other than forgive yourself and move on. And in the future, if you do choose to stalk someone's social media, don't use your primary account! Always assume that you're going to slip up and make a mistake, because that's what humans do.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I really think you need to find another therapist if you didn't like the first one.

 

And if you really think this is a major crisis. Giiirrrrlll, so much is gonna happen in your life worse than this!

[The Outlaw]

Absolutely nothing may come out of it, so don't worry about it.

[Springsummer]

I really think you need to find another therapist if you didn't like the first one..

 

psychologist cost over 200 bucks per hour in my city. even with insurance, it's not cheap:(

[HiCrunchy]

I'd block him so it doesn't happen again.

[Springsummer]

So this is totally out of nowhere. I met a guy! We texted for a couple weeks then he asked me out. We went on a real date. He was super nice. He’s actually saving himself for marriage which I thought was kinda cool. That is initially what I wanted to do. He told me that it’s not too late to retake that vow. So that’s what I did. No more sex until marriage. Whenever that might be. I feel very refreshed. He’s so uplifting, rather then dragging me down like you-know-who.

 

How is the progress with this guy?

[LoverOfDance]

I’m very concerned for you OP. When I was on here struggling with my own predicament, all I got was tough love and insults. I’m surprised at how nice ppl are being towards you. I’m glad that they are being nice. However, i’m beginning to think that maybe you need some tough love.

 

Seriously, this man is MARRIED. How is this so hard for you to understand, smh. I’m very concerned for you. If you keep this up, you’ll end up in some kind of affair with this man. It’s hard to watch someone consciously and slowly walk themselves into an affair. It’s only a matter of time. If you don’t wake up from this mess, you’ll help him cheat again. You don’t seem to have any control over yourself because you’ve already helped him cheat before.

 

I would have advised you to simply go ahead and see him since you want to see him so badly but I am very concerned that you just can’t control yourself around him. You have an addiction to this man and sometimes going cold turkey is not the answer. You have to slowly wean yourself off the thing/person you are addicted to. Unfortunately, in your case, I don’t know if you can slowly wean yourself from him because it seems like you don’t have much control over yourself when you’re with him. If you start seeing him again, I feel like an emotional or/and physical affair will ensue.

 

I actually wonder what would happen if his wife found out you slept with him. Maybe you need to come clean. If you told her and she chooses to stay with him, she’ll definitely be watching you like a hawk to make sure you don’t come anywhere near her husband again. If she leaves him, well, this would be your chance to find out if anything can actually ever happen with this so called Prince Charming.

 

Honestly, you should seriously consider telling his wife. They don’t have kids right now so honestly, if you cared about that woman one bit, this would be the best time to save her and also save yourself from this hell you’ve been living in for God knows how long.

 

Nothing stays hidden under the sun. She will definitely find out one day and if you ask me, I believe you should have told her before the wedding even happed.