Heartbroken and confused

[Cha11]

Ok so my partner of almost 10 years works away in another state every few months for about 2 weeks at a time. A few years back I found out he was using a site that involved cam-girls and paying for phone sex, I wasn't sure about how he was using the site but he assured me it was just a porn thing and he doesn't use the paid part of the site and I was fine with that but told him if hes chatting with women I'm not comfortable with that. Fast forward to today and he's away for work but clearly forgot to delete his history on our shared computer and I have discovered he has been chatting with, calling, skyping, sexting with other women for a long time. I can see that he's even logged in today to have a chat with some women but is yet to even send me so much as a text to see how I'm going.

 

I'm absolutely heartbroken and I honestly feel so betrayed to the point I have been questioning our whole relationship. I have never thought our sex-life had problems or that he ever felt unwanted or unsatisfied enough to need so much attention off these sites, I don't know how to feel or what to even say to him right now? Like I said I'm fine with porn but this feels much more personal...10 years is a long time and I feel like I don't actually even know him. Anyone who has been through something similar or has any advice on what they would do next? Thank you

[d0nnivain]

When he gets home I'd show him what you found & ask him to explain. It would probably require MC & a lot more transparency plus a diminution of his work travel if possible for me to be willing to stay. If he gaslights you I'd be very leery of continuing. At minimum there are some long, painful & difficult conversations in your future. I hope it works out.

[FMW]

Yes, you have to confront him (as calmly as possible) about what you found. Wait until he's home, that conversation needs to be had face to face. That also gives you a little time to gather your thoughts and feelings in a way to best communicate.

[Guildford]

You need to ask yourself: how much do you value you relationship this your significant other (SO) and can you live with his predilection for cam-girls? It appears that his attraction for them is quite strong. It is said that one person cannot hope to satisfy all of their partner's social, emotional and sexual needs. Some people have entered into an open relationship, sometimes half open, in order to satisfy their partner's needs. You have already accepted pornography, and with the advance of technology the availability of cam-girls is an inevitable extension. I believe that you need to ask yourself if you can accept this extension, because I suspect SO will not be able to break the habit.

 

If you confront him with your evidence he will probably agree to stop logging on to the cam-girls, but in fact he will simply become far more diligent with deleting his browser history. Your only clue will be when you log on and find a clean browser history. Good luck with what ever you decide.

[elaine567]

Whether you decide to stay or go, your relationship with this man is essentially over, you have lost him to a harem of cam girls.

Guildford is correct, if you say anything he will just hide it better.

He is now valuing them more than you, there is nothing you can do about that.

[bachdude]

So sorry you are dealing with this OP.

 

He is beyond *looking* at porn - he is *interacting* with cam girls online. We are all adults here and know how this works. It's cheating and should be treated as such.

 

You've been together a long time, I realize. And I am assuming you aren't married and don't have any kids together.

 

But why not find a guy you can trust and doesn't put his cam girls before you?

[The Outlaw]

People will do anything they feel they can get away with, except he got caught. If you feel that you can mend the relationship, talk to him about it. But the sad truth is that, once trust has been broken, the relationship is over. But in any case, I hope it works out for you.