redvelvey Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 My ex and I are trying to work on getting back together by giving each other's space for a couple of weeks. Is there still any chance this could work? I'm F (25) and my ex is M (27). We've been together for 9 months and my ex was always the clingy one in the relationship. Throughout the course of our time together, he ultimately disregarded his friends and his personal time. He dreaded being alone and always want to hang out together after work. I figured that was unhealthy, his obsessive nature, at the start. I demanded space once but quickly went back to our normal routine. He would always follow me when I try to hang out with my friends and was always upset when I do overtime at work. I tried to live with this and told myself that he is just trying to love me as well so it went on. Eventually, out of the blue, he just told me he thinks he would be happier alone as being in a relationship pressures him and stresses him out. So he decided to leave. I think after much argument and talking, he became burned out with hole that he has dug for the both of us. He missed hanging out with his friends. He sensed that at some point the relationship took away his freedom and his individuality. He said he is being a coward and is aware that leaving is a mistake. He loves me and deeply cares for me but he said that he doesn't want to hurt me further because he has his own ed up issues that he doesnt understand as well. We both never saw it coming. I was immediately okay with it until my anxiety kicked in. His fear of engulfment triggered me so bad that we run back and forth. I wanted to help him. I want to fight to keep what's left of us because despite his flaws, I believe what we had is worth it. Eventually, we both decided to not contact each other for 2-3 weeks to clear things out. It sucks for but he wishes that it will help me move as well but also considers it as a time for us to both think about what we want out of it. We agreed to talk after this period and give it a try. He said he'll give his best but we have to be both prepared for the outcome this time: if it works, it works; if not we have to amicably separate ways for good. The love is still there despite the tension between us. I was thinking of asking him to go to therapy together once we are both ready to talk again. Do you think we still have a shot? Do you think couples therapy after our separation is still a good idea? What can we do? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 I do not believe in breaks. I maintain that you can't take time off from a relationship. For a relationship to work, the couple must communicate openly & work together to overcome the problem. It's one thing to go sleep in your own bed one night but what you are describing is that you both have deep seated issues that need professional mental help to address -- him a fear & inability to be alone & you anxiety. 2-3 weeks is a drop in the bucket & simply not talking to each other does absolutely nothing to address those problems. In fact, this artificial & forced time apart probably exacerbated the problem. Since you mention nothing about actual medical care or IC I don't see the point in this self imposed exile. Plus real change takes years not 21 days. If you need couples' therapy to address what's wrong in a relatively short dating relationship (9 months) you are better off acknowledging the sad truth that you just aren't compatible. Stop trying to shove a round peg in a square hole. Address your own issues in therapy so you are in a better place to start your next relationship. Dating is not supposed to be this hard. It's an audition to find out the best person to be your lifemate. If somebody is not fulfilling your needs, you move on, you don't try to change them. Change has to come from within. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 Sorry to say but he has I guess detached from you and now wants to get back to his old life. You have been dating 9 months, you have a serious incompatibility issue and he has requested a break... I think it is really over, I would not raise your hopes that this is fixable.. Who really wants to attend couples counselling after only 9 months... Dating is about finding a person who naturally meshes into your life, not finding someone, anyone, and forcing them into fitting in. Let it go. We both never saw it coming. YOU never saw it coming... Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 Too much drama for a relatively short relationship, it shouldn't be this difficult so early on. I don't think the chances for this relationship are good. Free yourself to find someone you mesh better with. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts