Working with exMM hurting so much and feel so needy!

[conflictednhurting]

Hi,

 

First time posting but have been reading a lot of posts and they have helped me realise that the man I thought was my soul mate has more than likely been playing me...

D day was 12th March when my husband found my phone bill and saw the calls to his number, he had his suspicions as I had been totally distracted by my new love that although I tried to hide it he could sense the change.

I have been with my husband for 17 years and married for 12 and this is the 1st time I have done this and am pretty sure my husband has been faithful.

 

 

I lost both my parents suddenly within 18 months of each other, very traumatic as I witnessed my mother die outside the doctor surgery after a reaction to an injection and then only having my dad left he died 13 days after being diagnosed with cancer. These events changed me and I am in counseling.

 

 

 

My husband was dealing with issues that surfaced from his childhood and as a result we were going through a bit of a rough patch. The married guy in work started texting me as friends, I was quick to cut it off and remind him that we were just friends.

He continued to actively pursue me on a daily basis and gradually introduced compliments etc. After a bad incident with my husband in November I let my guard down and started to enjoy the attention from my new friend and loved our daily interactions. He was never someone I was attracted to but now I was addicted to our contact and falling for him.

 

I ignored my conscience and the red flags. He was such a great listener and I honestly feel as though he was love bombing me at the beginning...red rose, a poem and a small painting of our secret text code....he made me feel so special.

Told me I was the woman of my dreams and he would leave his wife for me but I always said I would not break up my family while my kids were young.

Deep down I knew there was no future but continued as I loved every minute of it....I had said to him we couldnt leave for the affair that we had to break up first and then get together..

 

 

On D Day I called him as soon as I could and told him my husband wanted to call and tell his wife so he told her himself the same day.

When i called him he said this changes nothing about how I feel and we agreed on a version of the truth to tell both partners.

 

 

Since then we have both been working on our marriages.

We work together but he is in a store and I am upstairs in an office. We have still been texting in work, not the same as before though.

 

 

I know it is wrong but I still feel like I NEED him in my life even if it is just texting daily in work.

 

 

He has been so much better at not mentioning hurt or any sort of feelings since D Day, I have mentioned my feelings a few times but felt foolish as he did not respond in same manner.

 

 

I was away for 5 days with my husband and friends, this was the longest we have gone without communicating since the beginning and when I returned to work it was as if he was just replying to my texts, but I kept texting as I needed him to be in touch with me.

On the second day he didnt respond to my good morning text which has never happened before so I had to accept he was pulling away which was so confusing as the week before I went he was so attentive with his texts and bumping into me at work.

I sent one more text and then decided that was it. He sent 3 more texts and I did not respond which is a first for me.

 

 

That was Thursday and it is hurting so much. He is away and I will not see him again until Tuesday in work, he is away without his wife and my husband is away so I know that it is safe to text him so the temptation is so strong.

How can I go no contact when I will see him at some stage during the working day?

I know he is stubborn so do not expect him to text me again since I ignored 3 of his.....I shouldnt care about this but I know it will hurt.

It is like the affair fog is only lifting now and I feel that his love was not as great as he proclaimed as he seems to be able to switch it off so quickly.

Where as I fell for him.

 

 

I know the right thing is to go no contact and cut him off completely but going through the hurt scares me.

 

 

I want to make a go of it with my husband and know that as long as I am still in touch it is not giving it 100%.

I am not sure if we will survive this but I owe it to him since he has given me a chance.

 

 

Any advice how to handle seeing him in work and the daily hurt and pain would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

Thanks

[BaileyB]

First things first, my sincere sympathy on the loss of both your parents. I lost my mother shortly after her diagnosis of cancer, it does change you. I can’t imagine how losing both parents in such a short period of time would feel. I’m so sorry for your loss.

 

It goes without saying, forming a relationship outside of your marriage may have been the “bandage” that you needed, but it’s not a good long term strategy.

 

I am concerned that you have still not been completely honest with your husband. You have told him a “version of the truth” and you continue this emotional affair to this day... IF you value your marriage and want to keep it, the only answer is to end all contact with this other man. As painful as it will be, you must rip the bandaid off and stop texting him. I’m surprised your husband hasn’t asked you to look for another job - that would be the first thing I would do.

[conflictednhurting]

First things first, my sincere sympathy on the loss of both your parents. I lost my mother shortly after her diagnosis of cancer, it does change you. I can’t imagine how losing both parents in such a short period of time would feel. I’m so sorry for your loss.

 

It goes without saying, forming a relationship outside of your marriage may have been the “bandage” that you needed, but it’s not a good long term strategy.

 

I am concerned that you have still not been completely honest with your husband. You have told him a “version of the truth” and you continue this emotional affair to this day... IF you value your marriage and want to keep it, the only answer is to end all contact with this other man. As painful as it will be, you must rip the bandaid off and stop texting him. I’m surprised your husband hasn’t asked you to look for another job - that would be the first thing I would do.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for your reply BaileyB.

To be completely honest, if my husband knew about the PA our marriage would 100% be over and there would most likely be physical violence.

The day he confronted me about the phone bill he got me by the throat and held a hammer to my face in a public car park.

Then at home he came at me with a butcher knife and lodged in our kitchen table to get me to confess everything but I knew if I had done that then there would have been no going back with his actions.

He also nearly pulled my arms out of their sockets after I confessed to meeting twice and one kiss.

So it was fear that prevented me from disclosing on D Day, although I know its not the right basis to make a go of things I fear what would happen to me and ex AP if truth was known.

 

 

Yes I have stopped but only since Thursday and I know it is the only way.

[BaileyB]

To be completely honest, if my husband knew about the PA our marriage would 100% be over and there would most likely be physical violence.

The day he confronted me about the phone bill he got me by the throat and held a hammer to my face in a public car park.

Then at home he came at me with a butcher knife and lodged in our kitchen table to get me to confess everything but I knew if I had done that then there would have been no going back with his actions.

He also nearly pulled my arms out of their sockets after I confessed to meeting twice and one kiss.

 

I’m changing my advice. Physical violence is never acceptable in a marriage. This man has been physically abusive to you - do not stay in this marriage. Develop a plan to exit the marriage safely, and leave as soon as you can.

 

Why you would ever play with fire when your husband has been violent with you in the past is beyond me. Risky. You need to take your safety more seriously than this. And, you need to set higher standards for yourself and your marriage.

Edited May 25, 2019 by BaileyB

[FMW]

If your work does not necessitate interaction with the other man, try to avoid seeing him as much as possible, don't respond if he reaches out. It sounds childish, but it has worked for me - don't even make eye contact with him. Ignore him. In time it will get easier, you just have to be willing to deal with your emotions in the meantime without seeking him out.

 

Your husband sounds like a dangerous man. I think that is your more serious issue right now. No matter what you have done, physical violence and threats are completely unacceptable. I'm not sure how you "work" on that.

[elaine567]

You have a maniacal husband and you are still texting this MM, what on earth are you thinking about?

[heartwhole2]

I'm sorry for the loss of your parents and for how your husband treats you.

 

Your husband is abusive and there is nothing to "work on." Was the "bad incident" with your husband physical abuse?

 

Please know that no one deserves to be harmed in this way. Call a hotline and figure out your next steps. If you are not in therapy, please start.

 

I encourage you to rekindle other friendships or to reach out to family members. You are going to need emotional support, but the MM is not the one to give this to you. As you can see, he is pulling away. Either he will pull completely away or you will wind up back in the affair, but neither of those is going to provide you with healthy emotional support, which you really need right now.

 

The book "Not Just Friends" will give you some insight into affairs if you need that right now, but your safety should be your number one priority.

[BaileyB]

You have a maniacal husband and you are still texting this MM, what on earth are you thinking about?

 

Indeed. You are putting both your lives at risk.

[conflictednhurting]

Thank you all for your responses

 

 

 

The week of D Day my husband attended his counselor and was referred to a 28 week intense anger management/ relationship violence course which includes one to one and group sessions for 2 hours every week so we are both hoping this helps as I know I should not and cannot accept that behavior.

 

 

Yes, I have been playing with fire by continuing to text during working hours.

None of my behavior from the beginning of this saga has been rational or sensible.

 

 

The issue has been/is my lack of control when it comes to this man.

 

 

If I followed my head and not my heart I wouldn't be posting here

[conflictednhurting]

Thank you Heartwhole2

Yes I have a counselor but she is not around until June when I will return to her.

 

I will get that book as I need all the help I can get

[BaileyB]

The week of D Day my husband attended his counselor and was referred to a 28 week intense anger management/ relationship violence course which includes one to one and group sessions for 2 hours every week so we are both hoping this helps as I know I should not and cannot accept that behavior.

 

The issue has been/is my lack of control when it comes to this man.

 

With respect, I think the issue has been/still is that you have a physically abusive husband.

 

While I applauded his effort to go into intensive couselling and do better for himself, I would have a strict one strike - you are out - policy as it relates to physical violence. Why you would ever want to stay and take the risk is beyond me...

[conflictednhurting]

Finding my Way, I can avoid contact with this man most days so intend to start that from Tuesday when he returns.

I will ignore him and not respond if he reaches out.

 

 

The responses here are what I needed to help me stick to my guns and continue what I started on Thursday.

[conflictednhurting]

BaileyB, it is difficult to hear that.

I suppose because I had the affair and broke trust I feel that I somehow deserve it, this probably stems from my childhood.

I have been in counseling for 11 years for issues stemming from my childhood, low self esteem and social anxiety were the main issues....but a long story there

[elaine567]

Does your husband still have access to your phone bill?

No matter how much counselling he gets, if he found out the affair is ongoing then I am sure it would be like a red rag to a bull.

[conflictednhurting]

No he does'nt but I have been messaging on an app and deleting each day.

Even typing this makes me feel sick with my behavior

[Naivewomen]

I know you are hurting now. You have already realized that he can ignore you and pull back. Ask yourself this question, would he ignore and pullback from his wife like this? Why do you feel like his stubbornness is acceptable and justified. It's a major character flaw of selfishness. Hes not concerned at all about your emotional well being. Remember this when he reaches out again because I promise you he will!!!!! Be prepared, stronger and pay close attention to his ACTIONS!! He has already given you major red flags!! Take it from a naive blind woman for years. I'm trying to save you here.

[BaileyB]

I suppose because I had the affair and broke trust I feel that I somehow deserve it.

 

NOTHING that you could EVER do would mean that you deserve to be physically abused. NOTHING!

 

And to be honest, this isn’t “he became angry and grabbed me, or slapped me across the face (still never acceptable). What you have described in VIOLENCE. He has threatened bodily harm, perhaps threatened your life with the knife in the butcher block. He means not only to lose control and hurt you - he means to intimidate, threaten, and cause bodily harm to you. That scares me.

 

And yes, if he sees that you are still in contact with this man - for he know you work together? - therapy or not, he is at high risk to lose control and I would not want to see what he would do.

[conflictednhurting]

Thank you Naivewomen, yes it his so helpful to remind myself of his flaws and each day there are more coming to light. He got to me when I was vulnerable and now I have to be strong and resist it, but just dread the pain for the first while. Its hard for me to believe I was so blind when I was in the depths of it

[BaileyB]

No he does'nt but I have been messaging on an app and deleting each day.

Even typing this makes me feel sick with my behavior

 

To be fair, you present as a good person who has suffered a lot of trauma and has made some rather self-destructive choices (both, in your choice of husband and affair partner).

 

It’s time to gather your strength, make some better decisions, and reclaim your right to a safe and happy relationship and your personal wellbeing. Your focus right now should be on what you need to do to be safe and to create a happier and healthier future for yourself.

[preraph]

At some point, you need to take responsibility for your own choices. You have chosen to stay with a very violent husband, a man who should not be modeling behavior around your kids, and you have chosen to pursue a married man that you work around, which always leads to chaos.

 

You are the biggest influence in what happens to you in your life, not anyone else, nor God. Your choices determine what your life will be like, and you would be better off with NO man than with either of these.

[BaileyB]

You would be better off with NO man than with either of these.

 

Amen sister!

[Turning point]

When I read your story I can't help but notice how incredibly invested you are in something as small as a text message. The story of your life certainly deserves more print space than a sticky note.

 

The death of our parents is hard to reconcile, but in such a short window as you describe you were also denied witness to how one grieves and copes with the loss of another.

 

Remember your parents, and how much of them lives in you, how much of what they taught you was invested into your marriage. When we remember people, and practice the best that they gave us we allow them to live on in the continuity of ourselves and our children.

 

It's not this man or his text messages that has you hooked - it's the fear of loss. Your vulnerability is what he loved bombed. Heck, you didn't even like the guy. Letting go of this guy and your communication with him might help you to understand how full your life still is. You have so much to be grateful for and it's worth so much more than the next little bit of text.

 

You and your husband have a lot to work through but, you are fortunate to have the time and ability to do so. That's got to be a story worth writing a better conclusion too. Surely, the next chapter deserves more space than a sticky note?

 

That being said - what of your husband's behavior now is consistent with his past behavior? Has he acted out in such violently dramatic ways in the past or is this something new? You can't remain in a marriage that isn't safe or healthy and it's possible your husband is incapable of reconciliation and moving past this affair. If that's the case, then your story will not include him either. That does not however, need to diminish anything about the character you choose to play going forward.

Edited May 25, 2019 by Turning point

[conflictednhurting]

You are so right Turning Point, it is the fear of another loss that has me reluctant to end it.

There has been a few occasions over the years where my husband was so angry I feared he might hurt me but he has never hit me previously, his anger has always been an issue though so I am hoping it will finally be addressed as I know that we have no future if not.

We are going to try but I do understand I can not continue in a marriage where I am afraid of pushing him over the limit.

 

Yes Peraph you are right, and by starting the no contact and posting on this forum I feel I am finally taking responsibility for my actions.

 

BaileyB that is exactly what I want to do and it starts with cutting the MM off and maybe having to make some difficult decisions in my marriage in the future.

[BaileyB]

We are going to try but I do understand I can not continue in a marriage where I am afraid of pushing him over the limit.

 

You are so right! That’s no way for anyone to live...

 

Baileyb that is exactly what I want to do and it starts with cutting the MM off and maybe having to make some difficult decisions in my marriage in the future.

 

Think of it this way... We don’t know much about your relationship with your parents. But, if their loss causes you to seek a relationship that in turn, causes you to examine your pattern of unhealthy relationships which in turn leads you to choose to create a better future for yourself... then what a gift your parents have given you, indeed. It’s not a path that anyone would want for you, but if the result is that you learn that staying with these unhealthy partners is no longer acceptable for you, that you want and deserve more for yourself, what a blessing.

[BaileyB]

And one more word of caution... if your husband is aware that you are even considering leaving the marriage - know that the most dangerous time for a woman is when she tries to leave the relationship. Be careful, if you chose to stay and/or when you decide it is time to leave.

 

And, if you do not have children with this man - do not bring them into a home with an abusive partner. That is the most irresponsible decision you could ever make. Stay, if you want to risk your own safety and well-being but you have no right to bring children into an unstable and violent home.

Edited May 25, 2019 by BaileyB