Working with exMM hurting so much and feel so needy!

[conflictednhurting]

Just to clarify, as I said there was a few incidents over a 17 year period and my children were never present.

The recent incident on D Day happened while my children were in school.

My husband is a kind and loving father and has never lost his temper badly when the children are present.

[preraph]

Your children still know there is the threat in the house. I was always fearful my dad was going to hurt my mom. And yet, she said I was only a baby the first time he hit her and couldn't have known it. And then I was 12 when it happened again and present -- but in between all those years, I clearly understood the fear and threat living in the household and so do your kids. Don't kid yourself about that. He is modeling that behavior and that is telling your son it's okay to be violent with women and it's telling your daughter, This is the type man you want to marry, a violent one, and you'll take it.

[BaileyB]

Your children still know there is the threat in the house. I was always fearful my dad was going to hurt my mom.

 

He is modeling that behavior and that is telling your son it's okay to be violent with women and it's telling your daughter, This is the type man you want to marry, a violent one, and you'll take it.

 

Well said.

 

It is also telling your children to ignore their instincts, that rather than attending to a threat to their safety and well-being, they should give more chances than someone deserves when they cause physical harm and threaten their safety. I would be very concerned what you son is learning about how to treat a woman and what your daughter is learn about what to expect from a man in a relationship...

 

If you are walking on eggshells around this man, chances are pretty good that your children are too.

[conflictednhurting]

Please read my previous posts

The children were never present

D day was the only time it got violent like that and I am aware it is not acceptable to me. No kids present though

The previous times were very heated arguments with no kids present and a handful of times over 17 years

I do not appreciate what you are insinuating

[conflictednhurting]

Also looking at the amount of posts by both of you in all the different sections of this forum it is clear that you are not part of the other man / other woman section.

When posting here I was hoping to hear from people who were actually in the affair situation

[PhoenixRising8]

I will echo the previous 2 posts. My father was a physically and verbally abusive alcoholic. Although I didn't live with him full time, I saw enough of his behaviour that I always said I would never tolerate physical violence and I didn't, mostly. I didn't recognize my ex's threats of self harm as violence, because they weren't directed at me, but physical violence they were. The first time occurred when I was 6 months pregnant and he threatened to stab himself. That could have gone so wrong when I wrestled the knife out of his hands.

 

But my ex became increasingly mentally and verbally abusive. Mostly I hid it and believed my daughter mostly didn't know. Now she tells me she did and wishes we had parted ways sooner. I didn't recognize the verbal and mental abuse because I had become desensitized to it having grown up with it. So don't assume they don't know. They might not be able to see it or put their finger on it, but they can feel the tension. It's there. Because your mood and demeanour will betray it.

[PhoenixRising8]

Please read my previous posts

The children were never present

D day was the only time it got violent like that and I am aware it is not acceptable to me. No kids present though

The previous times were very heated arguments with no kids present and a handful of times over 17 years

I do not appreciate what you are insinuating

 

Please don't discount what pre and Bailey have said. I am both a former OW and a child of an abusive parent. Take my viewpoint or don't that's up to you but you are rug sweeping if you think they don't sense it.

[BaileyB]

Also looking at the amount of posts by both of you in all the different sections of this forum it is clear that you are not part of the other man / other woman section.

When posting here I was hoping to hear from people who were actually in the affair situation

 

Fair enough. Which is why, I didn’t offer advice on how to distance yourself from your affair partner.

 

What I do see, that is far more concerning to me, is the threat in your home. As I said, a man would only threaten me once with a hammer and a knife before I make myself scarce.

 

If you chose to minimize the risk, that is your choice. But, as Maya Angelou said so wisely, “when people show you who they really are, believe them.”

 

I hope you find the support you are seeking and I hope you stay safe.

 

I’m off now to buy a new house with the love of my life... best wishes.

Edited May 25, 2019 by BaileyB

[conflictednhurting]

Yes I agree children can sense fear and anger.

My point was they have never witnessed any violence but of course the sense when I am worried about pushing my husband too far in an argument.

This 28 week course will hopefully help but I'm not sure if the damage can be undone

[conflictednhurting]

Which is why I said I have some tough decisions to make

[Turning point]

Just to clarify, as I said there was a few incidents over a 17 year period...

 

It not clear if these descriptions illustrate an abusive man or a man in crisis. We only need to watch television for about 5 minutes to know what society teaches men about dealing with pain or crisis. You're husband may not have the tools he needs to cope well.

 

While I get how violent the drama sounds, he planted a knife in the butcher block which is in fact, the only acceptable place for it. You cannot displace the impact of this affair to make it all about his anger, but you do need a spouse willing to adopt healthy ways of dealing with anger and putting it behind him if the two of you are to have any chance of reconciliation.

[elaine567]

Turning point wrote;

While I get how violent the drama sounds, he planted a knife in the butcher block which is in fact, the only acceptable place for it. You cannot displace the impact of this affair to make it all about his anger, but you do need a spouse willing to adopt healthy ways of dealing with anger and putting it behind him if the two of you are to have any chance of reconciliation.

 

No, he came at the OP with the knife and lodged it in the table.

Also

The week of D Day my husband attended his counselor and was referred to a 28 week intense anger management/ relationship violence course which includes one to one and group sessions for 2 hours every week

[Amethyst68]

Remember the OP has said her husband had never been violent before, he had a temper and anger issues but this was obviously his breaking point and he went straight for help something no-one is actually recognising here.

In the meantime the OP felt so threatened she carried on her affair under her BS's nose knowing knowing it could cause him to snap. I'm not intending to be snarky here but I'm honestly not seeing any fear of reaction in OP's posts.

[BaileyB]

It not clear if these descriptions illustrate an abusive man or a man in crisis.

 

The thing is, this “man in crisis” has become abusive. And while I can understand how learning that his wife was otherwise engaged with another man was extremely upsetting and exhausted his coping skills... there are many men on this board who have discovered their wives infidelity, and very few have gone after their wives with a hammer and a knife. And that, happened after learning of the emotional affair and a stolen kiss...

 

And while I do agree that it is a good thing that he has decided to seek treatment, I would be very, very cautious here...

Edited May 25, 2019 by BaileyB

[oldlion]

Prior to Dday, has your husband been physically abusive to you? If physical abuse is a part of your marriage then it's time to get out of the marriage. If you want the other man to stop texting you then tell him what your husband is capable of and what he might do to him if he found out about the PA. If he is like most men who is just looking for sex he will become completely invisible. I do wish you well.

[conflictednhurting]

No physical violence before D day. Just guilty of getting angry if we got into a heated argument, which he knew I had an issue with. But as I said there were not many of those over our time together.

The course of therapy he is attending now is for anger control.

[elaine567]

...I'm honestly not seeing any fear of reaction in OP's posts.

I think the OP is not actually afraid of her husband, yes he let his anger get out of control on Dday, but he didn't hit her with the hammer nor cut her with the knife.

She maybe feels anxious or tense or unsettled due to his "justified" anger and desperation on that day, but she is not in fear of her life, hence why she continued the contact with her MM.

She has the husband "in training" for HIS issues, so all is good... he is to her a spent force...

 

Instead of pining for her MM the OP needs to spend the time and focus her energy in nurturing her kids, they need her. Her husband I am sure could also do with some TLC.

[conflictednhurting]

Elaine567 I agree with you, I have had my priorities wrong since the day the affair started

[pepperbird]

op,

if you can;t end your affair for yourself, do it for your kids. I get this man is a band aid for some less than stellar aspects of your life, but you have no right to expose your kids to seeing their father hurt you.

 

 

 

Ask any child who has heard their parents go beyond just an argument. If there is no physical violence, hearing terrible words can be just as hurtful. |

 

If possible, I would sit your husband down in a public place like a coffee shop. Explain to hm how sorry you are, but that you will not tolerate physical violence from him, and until he actually begins counseling and shows some progress, it may be best of you and he stay apart for a little while. Explain to him ( and keep your promise) that this isn't time that you will use to see this other man. It's time for your and your husband to cool off a bit and decide what steps to take next.

 

as for the affair, I'm sorry, but continuing it now, in any shape or form would be incredibly selfish, and quite frankly, would really make me ( and I would hope you as well) question your judgement as a parent. I don't get the impression from your words that you are really a selfish person at heart, but this affair sure is twisting you.

[conflictednhurting]

Thank you for your response Pepperbird.

I have had that conversation with my husband and he is clear where we stand going forward.

He is moving out for a bit of time to give us both a break.

I am 100% committed to continuing the NC that I started on Thursday no matter how difficult it feels.

I finally feel like the fog is clearing

[pepperbird]

It's smart of you to give yourself some time to clear your head and make good decisions.

 

one step at a time.

[mark clemson]

I'm glad to hear your husband is self-aware and concerned enough to attend anger management classes and to take a break from you (it sounds like to "cool off" a bit). He apparently recognizes he has serious self control issues. That said:

 

The day he confronted me about the phone bill he got me by the throat and held a hammer to my face in a public car park.

 

Then at home he came at me with a butcher knife and lodged in our kitchen table to get me to confess everything but I knew if I had done that then there would have been no going back with his actions.

 

He also nearly pulled my arms out of their sockets after I confessed to meeting twice and one kiss.

 

I think it's obvious that anyone who is capable of doing what you described should be treated with EXTREME caution.

[conflictednhurting]

That said:

 

I think it's obvious that anyone who is capable of doing what you described should be treated with EXTREME caution.

 

Yes Mark you are right, he is attending an intensive course and also IC so hopefully this will really help.

If not we will be breaking up.

[Turning point]

The thing is, this “man in crisis” has become abusive.

 

That's a conclusion that lacks sufficient evidence.

 

The OP has described only recent incidents that need mitigation, these do not in totality condemn him as an "abusive man." These incidents are also being addressed voluntarily. If I had a nickel for every case of infidelity that resulted in immediate anger management classes for the blindsided party I'd be quite wealthy.

 

Oddly enough, the thread title is a double entendre: "working with exMM" and "feeling needy." I take it we're not working with the husband, and we're now blaming him? I don't identify with how he expresses his rage but, I am watching the clock and with respect to DD the match has only recently struck the gasoline.

 

Let's also not forget how much the magician is holding in the other hand.

[mark clemson]

Hmm. Just my opinion, but to me personally downplaying or minimizing 3 instances (of intimidation through the threat of severe violence) is a fool's game. Once is not a pattern, but in my own opinion 3x is...