I got closure, but now what?

[Kuro_Gin]

I broke up with my ex 1,5 years ago and I was having a hard time moving on. Recently, we ended up being around each other too much and he send me a lot of mixed messages with his behavior. So I had a conversation with him and he cleared his position towards me.

 

This feels like closure to me, but I'm disappointed in the results, understandably, since he was my first love, I care for him a lot, and I still have some feelings for him. But he has moved on and given me closure.

 

So, I don't know what to do from here on out. I'm kinda sad and disappointed, I'm feeling like a chapter has closed and I'm not exactly thrilled. I don't know what the next step should be.

 

Any advice?

[elaine567]

That is the problem with "closure", it does nothing for the pain of the loss.

[nolanola]

I think any time you have contact with an ex that you're not over, it's going to stir things up. It can be something big, like seeing them and talking to them (especially what you describe, as you talked about your relationship and I'm assuming what he said is not what you wanted to hear?) or something small, like someone mentioning them or seeing something that reminds you of them. There is going to be some aftershock. It can be big or small, meaning it can last for a while or not very long.

 

It's going to sting for a while, but as it seems that he's said he's moving on you have no choice but to move on too. Acceptance is rightfully the last stage of grieving because it takes a really long time. It's ok to not be fully "over it" but you need to accept that he is. That means you go back to NC or LC or whatever you were doing to minimize your contact with him. The only way you can have contact with this guy is when you're over him and you aren't yet. That's ok.

 

I don't know how long you guys were together, but I don't think 1.5 years is all that crazy to still be grieving something. I personally think going as NC as you can is the best way to move on and heal and that means not only not talking to them or seeing them, but not looking at their social media, not checking in on their friends or new girlfriends, not going to places where you might run into them, not looking at their pictures, etc. Someone on one of the other boards said that an it should be like an ex died - meaning that you still care about them, but they aren't there anymore. It's harsh but I think it helps. I also think identifying the negative things in a relationship (take the rose colored glasses off) can help too. We all tend to idealize someone that left us, but often if we really look at it, there are things that are really unattractive about that person or their behavior. That can help us to want them less. I have a list in the notes app of my phone that I can look at when I need to remember why my ex acted like a jerk.

 

Another thing that I think helps is to make new connections and memories in your life. Try new things. You don't have to date if you're not ready, but try to get out of the house. Go to a new group or meeting. I joined a book club and have met some nice new people. That has helped.

 

Write in here when you need to, that helps too.

[FMW]

It's natural that things will seem a little unsettling to you for a while. Not completely letting go of your ex for the past year and a half has been something that became part of your normal life. It sounds odd, but letting go of him now leaves a hole and brings it's own sense of loss.

 

Try to relax and give yourself time to figure out your new direction. What do you want? What brings you enjoyment? What interests you? Focus on figuring that out and being open to new experiences.

 

Try to see it as an exciting new opportunity to have a fresh start on something better.

[devilish innocent]

It's natural to feel disappointed if you were starting to get your hopes up and they just got shot back down again. The feeling will pass. Just know that this means that there is a whole new chapter waiting for you. If he's telling you it wasn't meant to be, it means eventually you will meet somebody else who will be even better for you.

 

For now, move on with your life. Focus on your hobbies and your friends. If you're feeling up to it, maybe you could even start meeting new people.

[Redhead14]

Closure does not equal feeling better about it . . . Closure puts a "period" on the scenario so that a person can start moving forward with their life without the wondering/hope of getting back together, etc. The pain still has to be processed.

[preraph]

What you need is to accept it's over and move forward with your life. How long you let it make you miserable is strictly up to you. You can reject misery and just decide enough is enough and stop punishing yourself.