Struggling after being "dumped" by FWB

[soul_to_squeeze]

Hi everyone, thanks in advance for reading and for any advice you may have. I have been struggling with this on and off for months and thought some outside help would be beneficial.

 

 

I have known "Dave" for about 5 years, we work in the same place. We never worked closely together until a couple years ago when we got partnered up on the same assignment. We have remained working side by side since then. The job is complex and can be stressful at times and we definitely rely on each other for problem solving and support. We have always worked well together. We are also friends and can talk about just about anything, joke around a lot, etc.

 

 

I'm sure you have an idea where this is going. Dave has been in relationships most of the time I have known him while I have been single for years (partly due to a lack of effort in dating and partly just wanting to do my own thing, travel, etc) but I am obviously reaching the age where I do not want to be single any more. Last summer Dave broke up with his girlfriend at the time. For about a month afterward he sort of hinted at us sleeping together and one night we were drinking and he proposed FWB. I had not been laid in over a year at this point and had no desire to sleep with a stranger. I found him reasonably attractive and went ahead with it, even knowing at the time it wasn't the best idea.

 

 

During our initial discussion I mentioned that I had been interested in him in the past but he was never available, I also said I would be interested in dating him if I had a chance. He did not directly answer that statement, but we continued our conversation, agreed to start sleeping together and agreed that we would have an exclusive FWB arrangement and that if either of us wanted to move on, we would let the other know and that would be that.

 

 

It was great for a while, we met up every couple weeks or so and had really good sex, although I did find it ended up being me asking for these meetings more than him, even though he had originally proposed the arrangement.

 

 

After about 3 months I overheard from others in the office one day that he had a date that night. It caught me off guard because he had been telling me just a week earlier that he did not want a girlfriend, wanted to stay single for a while and so on. (these were statements he volunteered and were not the result of me asking him to get serious or anything like that). I honestly took it pretty hard and had almost a mini panic attack at work. I realized then that I must have developed a small amount of hope and feelings for him. I'm not proud of it, and I should have known better.

 

 

I asked him if we could get together and talk, he was very surprised that I was upset and part of the discussion was that he had never really thought about us dating each other. The next few days I went through a lot of anxiety that I was about to be ditched. I initially apologized to him for even asking about his dating situation, tried to be extra nice to avoid losing him. Then when it became clear that it was about to be over I ended it because I knew I would only get hurt worse if I tried to hold on at that point. I avoided him as much as possible for the next few weeks (I was on a temporary assignment at the time so for a few weeks we were not working side by side). Meanwhile he continued to see the girl he had met and started dating her. Within a few months he is now falling in love with her and basically living with her, going on vacations together etc.

 

 

I am well aware I made a dumb, hormonal decision to get involved with a close coworker. I have been able to put it aside for the most part at work and we still work fine together. He is also a good friend that I don't want to lose, and he hadn't done anything wrong so I knew I couldn't take out my hurt feelings on him.

 

 

I made the mistake of having some hope that maybe we would end up together somehow. When we talked he asked why I had thought that. My response was that we are good friends with a shared sense of humour, common interests and we obviously have good sexual chemistry. To me that seems like an ideal relationship. He basically told me that I hadn't done anything wrong but that he has a type that he always goes for (both physically and personality-wise) and that while he liked a lot of things about me, I just wasn't quite his type.

 

 

The reason I am asking for advice is that this has left me feeling like a piece of absolute garbage. He had the chance to be with me and he tossed me aside for someone, basically a stranger, who he saw as better. Everything he says he likes about her (easy going, fun, good job etc) are traits that I also possess. This has rocked my confidence and left me feeling like a piece of crap, only good enough to **** until a quality date-able woman comes along. I haven't been able to shake it and it really gets me down sometimes. Every time I hear about how great this person is, it hurts but obviously I haven't let him know. I can't help but wonder why this person is better than me. I have been trying to date but have had a lot of first dates that have gone nowhere. It has been about 3/4 of the time they were interested in more but I was not. So I don't think I'm repulsive, and I think Dave and I are similar in terms of overall attractiveness. I am kind, friendly, in good shape, I would say I'm decent-looking, funny and a good friend.

 

 

I know I messed up but I think he could have volunteered during the original discussion that I wasn't someone he would date. I may have made a different choice if I knew that, or at least wouldn't have developed hope for something more.

 

 

How do I stop feeling like a second rate human because of this? And yes I have learned my lesson not to do FWB with coworkers or with someone you would like to actually date. What I need help with is stopping letting this make me feel like garbage.

[emeraldgreen]

You're not garbage. Unfortunately, Dave wanted to dump some dirty water after his breakup, and because you were available, it was convenient. Dave, like most of us, like the thrill of the chase a bit too, so intimacy is something he had to work for with the girl he wanted to date. Due to your agreed deal, intimacy with you was a sure thing. It's hard to change the rules along the way.

 

It's natural for you to want to be treated well and perhaps even loved after being close to someone physically for an amount of time, so don't be hard on yourself. You overlooked Dave's avoidance of your dating suggestion so that's on you, but to be fair, he also didn't give you the heads-up about the new prospect because he wanted to keep you on call for booty.

[Dandelioness]

Ok, so she's the better option for 'him'. It doesn't mean you're "garbage", even to him or he wouldn't have been a friend to you (let alone sleep with you).

 

I think you may have misread him entirely. He broke up with his girlfriend and needed a boost. You said ok. Nothing was said that suggested it could lead somewhere. You were the one who initiated the FWB .. every couple weeks or so.. which doesn't sound promising, either. He just was not in that head space. That's all. He simply reached out to a "friend" who was nice.

 

Don't over think it. FWB is not meant to be taken seriously. In the future, if a guy asks you again, say NO if you think you'll likely fall for him.. or at the very least, expect something more to come from it. Maybe FWB isn't for you.

 

What to do? Give it time. Cognitive behavioral therapy? Retrain your thinking about your self worth so you can meet people who will appreciate you, too.

[darkmoon]

they haven't had their first argument, not yet... not so great then

 

 

 

you also need to change jobs or departments

[elaine567]

FWB is an arrangement for sex, end of.

Dave looked around for someone to have sex with and he didn't have to look far... A FWB is someone you would never date, never get involved with and that is exactly what happened here, you thought it was the start of something with your friend Dave, but he knew he would never date you, hence he made the FWB proposal.

You made a huge mistake here.

He wasn't proposing dating or a happy ever after, he was proposing sex pure and simple.

It was I feel a pretty douchey move as you were coworkers and actual friends and the possibilities of this going pearshaped were high, but when men need sex, then they often don't care about the consequences... If he was a real friend he would never have put you in that position.

 

Women in general like to feel valued, loved, desired and validated, so FWBs rarely work out well for women, as being used for sex doesn't sit well.

I guess he started fading as a) he probably knew you were getting too involved and b) you were not really his type and he was looking around elsewhere for better prospects.

 

is getting a new job a possibility?

[FMW]

Don't try to remain friends, that will only hurt you more. Be cordial, but keep any conversation about work and nothing more. It's unfortunate, but the reality is your previous friendship is no longer possible.

 

Honestly, a real friend wouldn't have started a FWB situation after you told him you would be interested in dating him. A real friend wouldn't have wanted to take the chance on hurting you or losing your friendship.

 

There's nothing wrong with you, you're certainly not garbage. Like most of us do at least once in our lives, you ignored the signs from the very beginning that you shouldn't give your heart to the relationship. Just learn the lesson and put this in your rear view mirror.

[minime13]

The reason I am asking for advice is that this has left me feeling like a piece of absolute garbage. He had the chance to be with me and he tossed me aside for someone, basically a stranger, who he saw as better. Everything he says he likes about her (easy going, fun, good job etc) are traits that I also possess. This has rocked my confidence and left me feeling like a piece of crap, only good enough to **** until a quality date-able woman comes along. I haven't been able to shake it and it really gets me down sometimes. Every time I hear about how great this person is, it hurts but obviously I haven't let him know. I can't help but wonder why this person is better than me.

 

I want you to read the above and then apply it to your below dates that you were not interested in.

 

I have been trying to date but have had a lot of first dates that have gone nowhere. It has been about 3/4 of the time they were interested in more but I was not. So I don't think I'm repulsive, and I think Dave and I are similar in terms of overall attractiveness. I am kind, friendly, in good shape, I would say I'm decent-looking, funny and a good friend.

 

Were these guys garbage, or simply not your type? There isn't a single soul out there who is *everyone's* type, and we all have different things that attract us to certain people. That doesn't mean that the lack of attraction means the person is garbage. It simply means they aren't a good fit.

 

Next time you want to try out a FWB relationship, make sure you don't secretly hope it turns into something more. Take it for what it is at face value, and communicate. If your feelings start to change - bring it up. Talk about it.

 

That way, you know you're on the same page...and if you get to a point to where you're not, it makes it far easier to break off the sexual relationship and transition back into being platonic.

[Beendaredonedat]

This has rocked my confidence and left me feeling like a piece of crap, only good enough to ****

Why would you frame it that way?

 

You BOTH agreed to the arrangement and if you look at it the way you are (as noted above) then he was only good enough to **** as far as you were concerned as well. Surely you don't really feel that way about what you had with him so why believe he thinks that way about you or what it was he had with you?

 

Unfortunately you went into this in the wrong way. Instead of going into it with some sort of expectation that the sex would lead you to a relationship, you should have gone into it accepting the arrangement at face value.

 

Sadly more women than not bond emotionally with who they are having sex with. Paradoxily, more men than not can more easily compartmentalize sex from emotions and stave off becoming emotionally bonded.

 

Don't ruin your own self worth by keeping up the narrative going on in your head that you are some how lesser than his girlfriend. You are not so learn the lesson this was meant to teach you in that you are not able to compartmentalize sex/emotions so don't put yourself in a FWB/FB situation again and get on with your life with confidence and self-worth in tact.

[stillafool]

No it doesn't make you garbage at all! He meant he has a physical type and she meets it along with her personality. I think everyone pretty much has a type. I know I do. Don't you OP?

[GeorgiaPeach1]

I think men can tell which woman will allow herself to be a FWB and which woman is relationship material. Something about this woman and the way she carries herself let him know he couldn't play the FWB card with her.

[Yokoyan]

you are not garbage. your story reminds me why i don't want to fall in love ever again.

[elaine567]

I think men can tell which woman will allow herself to be a FWB and which woman is relationship material. Something about this woman and the way she carries herself let him know he couldn't play the FWB card with her.

Another poster put it succinctly.

A woman you can be proud of = relationship material.

A woman you are not proud of = casual/FWB material.

 

OP.

I guess as soon as you accepted the FWB arrangement, you went down in Dave's estimation and he removed you from the potential relationship pile...

[Lotsgoingon]

You got rejected, that's it ... and your brain has gone into rejection-hurt mode. Our brains can go there whether with a serious relationship or with an FWB.

 

Definitely, do an honest FWB next time. No expectations. If you cannot do that, don't do FWB. BTW: lots of people, perhaps most, cannot do a "clean" FWB relationship, especially if they genuinely like the other person.

 

Right now, your nervous system is in panic--that's why you feel bad. Over time, your prefontal cortex will step into the discussion ... and your higher brain will tell you, look, if someone isn't totally into you, you don't want to be with them. It's a paradox ... but I want them!

 

If someone doesn't see dating you as a gift, a prize, you don't want to be with them. You'll feel even more rejected.

 

Also, you never know the nature of attraction. Could be he felt something very strong with you ... and chose to be with someone who has less confidence, or is less demanding and so on. And look when you find the right guy, this pain will vanish ... disappear ... get pushed far back into brain storage.

 

Hang in there. You just need to get through the next few weeks. During initial rejection, we do this thing of seeing ourselves only through the point of view of the person who doesn't want to be with us.

 

Over time, you'll see yourself through your own eyes. Your strengths, your smarts, your attractiveness--those qualities are all there. It's just your brain is stuck on seeing yourself through his eyes. But you'll bounce back ... your strengths are real ... they haven't gone anywhere. Keep sharing those strengths with the world. And ultimately you'll value them and get centered in them and you'll value yourself again, despite his lack of interest in serious dating.

Edited June 14, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[The Outlaw]

You aren’t garbage because he didn’t want a relationship with you. A FWB relationship is only for one thing but it’s always so high risk because someone can or will develop feelings for the other person, only to end up hurt because the other one doesn’t feel the same way. It doesn’t make you less desirable or wanted. But there’s always someone else out there that will want you for you. Just don’t give in and give up, he isn’t worth it.

[spiderowl]

Yes he could have made it clear from early on that he would not date you, that it was purely a FWB relationship. He didn't. I suppose that is something that would be difficult to say to someone, but I am sure there is a way to make such things clear.

 

Now, regarding feeling like garbage, you are not. You have all the qualities a good man would want. I am sure you are attractive or you would not have had the interest you have had from men. As I see it, relationships are a bit like watching microbes through a microscope. As you watch them, some blend and merge, others bounce off each other and continue on. They all look alike so there is no judgement involved - just that for some reason, some stick together and others don't. It appears to be a purely chemical thing that they do not have any choice in.

 

Why can we not look at our relationships like this? We should not judge ourselves because one person moves on and becomes attached to another. When you meet the right person, the same will happen to you, both of you will become attached to each other - the connections or whatever holds those microbes together will be there.

 

The only thing I would say is to be less available if you really like a guy. FWB is ok if you only want FWB. If you want more, he's got to value and respect you and have to fight for you to spend time with him. It's a basic thing and I know it should not be the case, but it is. Just suppose he had fallen madly in love with you and you were not feeling the same. How would you feel? Pleased, concerned, panicked? By making yourself less available, he would be having to choose to spend time with you, work for it, and appreciate it when he got it. There is such a thing as basic attraction and chemistry but additional factors like prizing someone do matter. We tend to take for granted that which we find easy to get.

 

The above is in no way suggesting you were 'easy'. You clearly are very selective with who you spend time with. The guy you were with just didn't get the chance to see you as a 'prize' because you were there for him.

Edited June 23, 2019 by spiderowl