How to make casual relationships work when you fancy someone else?

[Binary]

I keep getting into casual relationships but they end up messing me up because they fall in love with me and then get jealous when the girl I’m interested in messages me. I always give them access to my phone because as far as I’m concerned we are in it for just a bit of fun and I have no reason to hide anything but they always get jealous and send pictures of themselves to the girl I’m speaking to.

 

Like me and the girl I fancy are just talking and not exclusive to each other, but it’s making me lose both as she thinks I’m not interested and I don’t understand why it can’t just work. It seems girls can talk to multiple guys but when a guy does it he’s sleazy. But when I comment on a girl doing it she just says that we aren’t anything serious so it’s not a problem.

 

Do I hide my phone from them, but then when my crush messages me she’s going to suspect why I’m not messaging back. I’ve tried being open but they just stare at my phone and joke about why I don’t say those things about them which always turns out to be real.

 

Then if I just commit to one girl I’m interested in she ends up just not liking me in the end anyway and I could of been having some fun in the meantime.

[Garcon1986]

First ask yourself if casual relationships are truly the kind that you want? If you think the answer is a resounding yes, then there's nothing intrinsically wrong with that.

 

 

The next step would be to set expectations. If women like you enough to start falling for you, then you are pretty charming. What you should spend more time on is to let the ladies know that you only date casually, and if they want to continue, they'll have to accept you always leaving the options open. People generally are OK with that sort of thing if they are warned up front. What you've experienced is people feeling deceived.

 

 

Go for the casual relationship if you really enjoy it mate. Just make sure all parties know what your expectations are.

[Binary]

...Go for the casual relationship if you really enjoy it mate. Just make sure all parties know what your expectations are.

 

Honestly I would prefer a solid relationship but I keep getting let down so I decided to try it out a bit. But it’s a train wreck every time, I tell them exactly my plans of not committing to them to keep my options open but then they just attack me. Just had a girl walk out on me because my crush was flirting with me and I was flirting back, I didn’t show her these messages but she went onto my phone and read through them. But then she’ll be flirting with other guys and I won’t make any noise about it because it’s not a problem. Like she’s literally got some other guy to pick her up from mine, double standards much.

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Garcon1986]

In my interactions with women, most of them disagree with the concept of casual flings on a moral level and equate it to using women for sex - so if you are meeting people who get upset at you for this, the healthiest thing is to move along. No point in dealing with drama if you don't have to.

[d0nnivain]

Stop giving your phone to people. Nobody needs to see it. You are essentially throwing your crush in these other girls' faces. It's one thing to be casual; it's another thing to highlight the fact that you are using somebody. Just cut that out already.

 

The idea that you are on a date with one girl, on the phone flirting with another girl, actually makes you rude. Pay attention to the one you are with & put the phone down! If you can't do that, stop casually dating.

 

As for your crush, if you are in contact with her, why aren't you dating her? Just date the one you want & this "problem" evaporates.

[Binary]

It’s not that I’m giving my phone to her, we are both in bed messaging people on our phones and while I was asleep she unlocked my phone and read my messages.

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

It’s not that I’m giving my phone to her, we are both in bed messaging people on our phones and while I was asleep she unlocked my phone and read my messages.

 

Are you kidding me? What kind of people have sex with each other, then message other people? That's disgusting & so disrespectful. You don't have to be exclusive but you absolutely can't be this obvious. It's just rude.

 

While I'm rarely a fan of snooping if some guy just finished having sex with me & picked up his freaking phone I'd be outta there or kicking him out faster then he could disconnect the call. Because these silly women didn't have enough self esteem to take the high road & I can understand why they resorted to snooping. You really pick winners here & then you wonder why they don't respect your boundaries. OMG. Think this through.

 

Finally if these flings are just casual, stop spending the night! Hit & quit it then go home. When you sleep over people develop feelings. Leaving sets very clear boundaries. Instead you play games & give women the idea that you like them. Stop doing that.

 

Your behavior is causing all of these problems When you change, the issues will disappear.

 

Plus if the crush is the 16 year old child you fancy, once these women find out that you are basically a pedophile, no wonder they get upset.

 

You are 21 years old. It's time for you to start acting more responsibly, or at least politely.

Edited May 26, 2019 by d0nnivain

[Binary]

Plus if the crush is the 16 year old child you fancy, once these women find out that you are basically a pedophile, no wonder they get upset.

 

You are 21 years old. It's time for you to start acting more responsibly, or at least politely.

 

Since I’m UK based it’s not illegal here and you can think it’s wrong or whatever but it’s just a cultural difference, I normally tell all the girls I speak to about it and we have a laugh about it. I like all the intimate stuff and I spoke to her about it and she said it’s fine because she knows it doesn’t mean anything which is fine because I’ve had girls do the same to me.

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Garcon1986]

Well you can't coerce these ladies to think exactly in the way you do. You'll have to incorporate some of the Dalmatian's (d0nnivain) advice. These women obviously disagree with the way you do things. You are right in that there are double standards in dating - but you'll have to start dating your favourite lady as a steady relationship or at the very least, stop texting other people right after you have sex.

[Binary]

I’ll try it, but whenever I commit to a girl they continue to sleep around and use some excuse like we aren’t anything official yet so why does it matter.

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Garcon1986]

Well one of the few things that is an absolute in dating is that you can't have it both ways:

- you can't want to sleep around and have women think you are also dating someone in a steady relationship. That's what the majority of women disagree with. Women want to feel special in some way.

 

 

If a woman you like is sleeping around when you have explicitly told her you don't want that, then you've got to move on. That's called a woman who is cheating on you, and she is as guilty as you cheating on someone else.

 

 

Emotionally feeding into women who have low self esteem will not get you any further than more casual flings. Then, if you try to reel in a woman into your life with high self esteem, she will definitely run the other way from the casual fling life.

 

 

Women who abuse a double standard - well you've just discovered that they aren't your cup of tea.

[d0nnivain]

You do not have to commit. You just have to

 

* not tell them about your crush. Silence is fine. Talking about the others is crass.

 

* not text other women right after you have sex with a woman.

 

* stop staying the night. It gives people the idea that you are more serious then you are.

[preraph]

Well, this is all your fault. If you have a crush on a woman who likes you enough to be texting you, then you need to ask her out TODAY and start dating her exclusively on your end (don't tell her that but just to not mess it up). So what's the problem? If you have asked her out already and she's said no and put you in the friendzone, then you may as well cut off communication with her because persistence does not win people who aren't attracted to you, and if she was attracted to you, she'd have said yes.

[d0nnivain]

So what's the problem? .

 

The crush is 16 years old. OP is 21.

 

But it's the UK so that massive life stage & age difference are just fine.

[Foxhall]

"I love you as I loved you when you were sweet sixteen"

 

lovely romantic old song,

 

I dont know the romance seems to be all gone out of it now and its all just about screwing around/casual sex for a lot of you,

 

I am speaking as someone late 30s now, but I think you kids have got too casual about it all,

 

my eastern european friend, she is a great girl actually, but some of her sexual antics have been quite an eye opener for me,

 

and how openly she speaks about it. lol I suppose it is good in a way,

 

yet it is gone to a stage where having sex is as simple as having a cup of coffee and I do not think that is a good thing,

 

we need to see more romance again.

[ChatroomHero]

When you are with the casual fling, the things is you can't treat them as a casual fling during the time you spend with them.

 

It won't work very well if you are with someone and agree to be FWB, but when you are with them discuss other girls or give them your phone so they can see/think about the other girls. The only way I find it works is if you are with them, the time you are with them you are focused on them and not other women. Once they leave, that is where the responsibility and consideration leave. But while you are with them you need to be treating them like you are in a relationship during that time.

 

Even if they are not 'in love' with you and not looking for a relationship, if you want it to work you can't treat them like a fling. It will make them feel used, dirty, 2nd choice, etc. Even if they agree and only want FWB, they can't help feel like it is wrong or cheap or slutty if you make them feel that way or constantly remind them of that while you are with them. I have found I would push the women away with my actions to keep them at arm's length and avoid them wanting to get serious, which would not surprisingly push them away.

 

Chances are you don't treat them as well as you could because you don't want them to fall for you, get jealous, complicate things...but if you are firm and honest with what you want and at the same time treat them very well when they are with you, in my opinion that is the only way it will work for any long period of time.

 

I found that even when I was blunt from the start like, "I am not looking for anything. You and I will never date. I will not "be there" for you. This will not turn into anything", and the woman agreed, pretty quickly it fizzled because they just felt unappreciated even if they agreed with what I said to start. When I treated them basically like someone I was dating but in between meeting went our own ways, it lasted longer and was less complicated.

 

I'd recommend not allowing them to see your phone, not discussing other women, not even talking about how it is not a serious relationship but treating them like you would treat someone you were dating while they are with you, the difference is in between meetings you don't get into each others day to day. Basically you can't treat them like just a booty call very long if you want it to last for a while.

[spiderowl]

It is ok to have casual flings with women if you tell them upfront that is what it is. What is not ok is to be rude and text others while you are with them. That person is with you in bed and you cannot be bothered to pay them attention? No wonder they are annoyed with you, it is very disrespectful.

 

If you are with someone else, turn your phone off. Unless you have children or teenagers who depend on you in some way, you don't need to have the phone switched on. Receiving and reading texts from others is just rude.

 

You do need to be absolutely clear with the women who are your casual flings. Spell out to them what you mean by 'casual'. Make it clear you are not likely to fall in love with them because you are interested in someone else. Do not raise their expectations. If they still want to risk dating with you and sleeping with you, that's their risk.

 

People know in their hearts what they are doing. These women obviously feel that their friends are 'friends' only. If these women see you responding to someone with obvious delight and interest, they are going to resent your rudeness. If they complain to you, you should have turned your phone off!

[Beendaredonedat]

Just had a girl walk out on me because my crush was flirting with me and I was flirting back,

You were doing this while with another woman? If so, that's rude and insensitive and you should tell the girl on the other end of the texting that you can't chat now but you'll get back to her when you're able to.

 

I suspect that if you are upfront with your casual sex partners then they are only getting hissy with you because of your rude insensitivity. Try being a tad more discreet and see how that works out for ya.

 

It’s not that I’m giving my phone to her, we are both in bed messaging people on our phones and while I was asleep she unlocked my phone and read my messages.

Serious question not asked in malice... how old are you? I suspect you are a Millennial who can't live without being doing something on the cell phone long enough to be human.

 

Dude... you just schtuuped a gal. Get real!

 

I’ll try it, but whenever I commit to a girl they continue to sleep around and use some excuse like we aren’t anything official yet so why does it matter.

When you "commit" to a girl do you have a talk about exclusivity or do you just deciden in your head that you are committed? Edited June 2, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[chillii]

Yeah , your trying to make yourself do something and be at peace with something ridiculously unnatural.

lf you really really like or love one person your not interested in being with others , you want that one.

But she obviously isn't interested anyway so the first thing you should do is stop having anything to do with her and forget her. Maybe then you might get yourself sorted out a little and move on.

[snowcones]

I keep getting into casual relationships but they end up messing me up because they fall in love with me and then get jealous when the girl I’m interested in messages me......

 

 

Ugh. You sound just like my half-brother. He's 40 and does the same thing you're doing. I don't see an end to it. I foresee this exact dynamic repeating for the rest of his life.

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator