What does your picker is broken or you have type even means?

[Curiousroxy86]

What does it mean when people say “your picker is broken” or “you have a type and your type isn’t good for you”. I’ve seen these phrases used on here a few times and wondered what that means to the person who says it.

 

Are they referring to a person picking their dates off of looks and chemistry at the beginning or are they referring to a person ignoring red flags in dating at any time?

[Redhead14]

It's about not properly vetting and evaluating dating partners. Accepting things that don't meet your early dating needs. Not paying attention to the flags and/or your gut. Being "desperate" and having low-self esteem so that you accept poor behavior and treatment, etc. Making exceptions to your own "guidelines" -- must-haves, don't-wants.

[d0nnivain]

Both.

 

I have a type. I like medium sized men with dark hair & light eyes. If you line up pictures of all the men I have ever dated in my life, with a few exceptions, they look like they could be related to each other. They are that physically similar. Blondes just don't do it for me. What those men look like has little to do with who they are as people. However, there too I have always tended to date intelligent, well educated men with dry wicked senses of humor who were self confident.

 

As for your picker being off, the refers to you being the common denominator in all of your relationships. What is it that you bring to the party that causes you to repeat certain patterns over & over. If you always find yourself drawn to emotionally unavailable men, or Peter Pan types, or "bad boys" or alcoholics, you do need to recognize that pattern & break it.

[FMW]

Specifically as to "your picker" being broken, it means consistently getting involved with people that it's obvious (at least to everyone else) from the get -go are not going to work out for you. That could be for any number of reasons, but it means not heeding the warning signs.

 

I think most of us have "types" physically, intellectually, personality-wise, etc. The problem would come in if your "type" is one that involves cheating, lying, abuse, etc.

[Curiousroxy86]

Thank you all for responding

 

The red flag one makes total sense to me

 

The type I still scratch my head on.....

 

If a person has a physical type it makes sense that they are decreasing their pool by only accepting red heads for example and say no to blondes and brunettes. I can understand it would be considered wise to maybe give other hair colors a chance too since hair color seems to be a very trivial thing to decrease your own dating pool over. Like Donnavain said that has nothing to do with how a person treat you. That I get.

 

But same example you have a person that’s into red heads. Well just because every person they dated was wrong for them and they also were red heads surely doesn’t mean they should stop dating red heads all together. Surely doesn’t mean that red head make bad partners. I would think they should stop dating whatever characteristics make that person wrong, right? Which would point back to red flags and not that the person is a red head.

 

Also on type I can understand if your attracted to people who are more susceptible to bad behaviors you don’t want. Like if you like guys who are drop dead gorgeous and you only dated such and they were cheaters, mean, selfish, narcissistic. Well it doesn’t mean that all gorgeous guys are that way but A lot (maybe most don’t really know for sure) are that way because they have gotten by on their super attractiveness. So what is one to do? Stop dating gorgeous guys all together? Or do they continue to give both gorgeous and maybe not so gorgeous but at the least decent looking enough guys a chance too but just take heed to red flags? I would think the latter but red flags being the key again

 

I guess I don’t relate to the “type” cause I don’t have a type per se. All of my exes did not look the same. They did not all have the same personalities. They did not have the same vocation. They were all the same race though. I did find them attractive enough some very goodlooking some just average. I only picked guys who I find decent looking enough who were into me. I would say my biggest downfall pattern was red flags. If they were into me at the beginning but showed some not good behavior I didn’t enforce a boundary or cut them loose. It would end up having to be really bad before I ultimately decided to breakup. So that I recognize was problematic for my love life. But I don’t recognize anything as far as type. Like unless my race is just bad for me which many who are of the same race do argue that lmao I don’t see how anything physical would equate to why my exes were wrong for me.

 

So I guess type is more problematic because of who you are filtering out of your dating pool if the type is trivial I guess.

[d0nnivain]

You can stick to your physical type because in the end you have to be attracted to the person but be a bit flexible: if the person is a few inches shorter or taller, if they have a few extra pounds be open minded. My husband is younger then I am; when I dated him that was the 1st time I ever dated a younger guy.

 

 

The characteristics & integrity of a person that is more important. When you see the red flags, heed them. I used to be attracted to really aggressive men but couldn't figure out why they balked at commitment. Turns out I was being as aggressive as they were & the while thing was just toxic. When I softened my approach, I attracted & met better men.

 

When you start enforcing the boundaries & stop tolerating the bad behavior it will save you time & heartbreak.

[nospam99]

When I was an adolescent, my type was a blue-eyed blonde with big T&A. I also went through a deep 'redhead period', largely due to a high school crush on a cheerleader who I've never said two words to. Ironically I married a blue-eyed blonde. But by then my type had broadened. Hair and eye color have meant nothing to me since I became an adult. My point is that, at least for my case, my type got flexible. The major characteristic of my type now is waist to hip ratio, tried, true, and, according to research, common to most men.

 

There was this short, smart, Jewish brunette with long hair and a great body who I had a crush on in my twenties. Think Cuddy from House MD. Definitely 'a' type for me. Both Natalies, Portman and my recent lost love, fit that type.

[preraph]

Both.

 

I have a type. I like medium sized men with dark hair & light eyes. If you line up pictures of all the men I have ever dated in my life, with a few exceptions, they look like they could be related to each other. They are that physically similar. Blondes just don't do it for me. What those men look like has little to do with who they are as people. However, there too I have always tended to date intelligent, well educated men with dry wicked senses of humor who were self confident.

 

As for your picker being off, the refers to you being the common denominator in all of your relationships. What is it that you bring to the party that causes you to repeat certain patterns over & over. If you always find yourself drawn to emotionally unavailable men, or Peter Pan types, or "bad boys" or alcoholics, you do need to recognize that pattern & break it.

 

^ Great explanation. It's just a way of saying if nothing works for you, it's because you're making the wrong choices. I mean, it seems like a simple fix, but it often runs deep and might take therapy. It's easier said than done to go for a different personality or looks type than what you desire, but the reasons you desire it may be rooted in unhealthy patterns from childhood.

[Curiousroxy86]

The characteristics & integrity of a person that is more important. When you see the red flags, heed them. I used to be attracted to really aggressive men but couldn't figure out why they balked at commitment. Turns out I was being as aggressive as they were & the while thing was just toxic. When I softened my approach, I attracted & met better men.

 

When you start enforcing the boundaries & stop tolerating the bad behavior it will save you time & heartbreak.

 

Thank you for your input. I agree on enforcing boundaries and stop tolerating bad behavior. That is what I do now and am way less stressed out and more happy in dating and relationships because of it. Oh how I wish my younger self did that.

 

What did you mean by you were aggressive as they were? Can you give examples?

[d0nnivain]

In a debate we each had to have the last word. We competed about who had the more prestigious jobs or who made more money. I work in a highly competitive industry so there were always elements of one-upsmanship in everything.

[Curiousroxy86]

^ Great explanation. It's just a way of saying if nothing works for you, it's because you're making the wrong choices. I mean, it seems like a simple fix, but it often runs deep and might take therapy. It's easier said than done to go for a different personality or looks type than what you desire, but the reasons you desire it may be rooted in unhealthy patterns from childhood.

 

Yea but a lot of times i felt like people who say this to someone is saying the obvious which is your choosing the wrong men but pin point things that don’t necessarily make a man “wrong” and I’m like huh

 

It always is presented as “Oh she went after her type (guys she is attracted to) and that’s why she can’t find a good man or that’s why all the guys she dated were wrong for her”. But most people go after people who they are attracted to at the beginning and I’m like so she should just go after people she don’t find attractive? Attractive people bad unattractive people good??? Just didn’t make much sense to me.

 

I can see if she finds jerky behavior attractive. Because that’s the clear direct problem. If you like a**hole behavior then your not going to be treated well. But I don’t think that people who date jerks actually like the fact that the person was a jerk. I think they were attracted to other things about them and overlooked the fact they were a jerk.

 

So that has always confused me but I’m getting clarification in this thread now

[Curiousroxy86]

In a debate we each had to have the last word. We competed about who had the more prestigious jobs or who made more money. I work in a highly competitive industry so there were always elements of one-upsmanship in everything.

 

Oh ok make sense

[d0nnivain]

It's a bit of a balance. You can like the good qualities you like but when you see bad or jerk-like behavior at that point you have to acknowledge that this isn't going to be sustainable.

 

I really do like confident men. There is a difference between confident (a good quality) & c0cky, arrogant, a-hole (bad). I had to realize that before I learned to ditch the jerks & find the good guys. My husband is a Marine Vet. He is serene under pressure but very unassuming. He hates being the center of attention; in my younger days I never would have seen him because I was too busy fawning over the guy hogging the spotlight.

[Curiousroxy86]

I totally agree I have zero tolerance for a**hole behavior

[stillafool]

It means stop picking bad boys, emotionally unavailable men, men you have to chase and men who really aren't into you.

[Dandelioness]

Look up the different "attachment styles". A "secure attachment" is the healthy types. All the other types I'd say are "broken" and in need of attention.

[alphamale]

picker = penis ??

[Curiousroxy86]

Look up the different "attachment styles". A "secure attachment" is the healthy types. All the other types I'd say are "broken" and in need of attention.

 

I’ve heard of attachment styles. Apparently avoidant and anxious are a match made in hell

[Curiousroxy86]

picker = penis ??

 

Lol smh I just can’t with you